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My father-in-law is in his late 80's and we have been told he could have weeks to live. My husband and him had a strained relationship growing up but he always said he was the better of two parents (he compared it to taking Mussolini over Hitler). My father-in-law has always been against my husband getting married to anyone and has never cared for me. We were married a number of years before we had a child (over a decade) and he was rarely around, had girlfriends, traveled, gambled, did his thing.
When our daughter was born, he came to the hospital, never said one word to me but was nice to everyone else. He had little to do with us or our daughter and when my dad passed away, he thought he would begin to play grandpa. My daugthter was 15 months and would not warm up to him. As the years passed, we let her get to know her grandpa and after his girlfriend died, he wanted to be entertained, so he wanted to go out once a week. It finally got unbearable because all he wanted to do was scream the entire way about politics, that "N-word" President, how his doctor was rude to him and he wasn't going back, how he wanted to find old girlfriends and sports (which he knows we don't keep up with and care nothing about). He would rarely say anything to his granddaughter or claimed he just couldn't hear her (the child doesn't speak softely) because he can't hear well -- but refuses to get a hearing aid.
As he got out less and his temper flared more, occassionally she would go in and see him at his house.
Last year for his birthday, she got him a large standing plush heart. She was so proud of it and took it to him. He is moody and one day told my husband, "I have that damn heart thing away to one of those women (either a visitng nurse or cleaning help). I almost tripped and just gave it away. Hope she isn't upset, but well -- if she is, she can just get over it!"
Well, my daughter found out the heart was given away and she didn't understand why her grandpa just couldn't move it instead of giving it away. Needless to say, she is hurt and says she doesn't really want to be around him much.
He has had anger/mental issues for as long as my husband can remember. He spent time in two mental facilities during WWII while in the military, he had a lobotomy, his first wife divorced him because she was physically abused and he gave up custody of his daughter, he has had restraining orders issued against him as well as having to retain a lawyer for a bar fight while drunk. Compared to his earlier years, he has calmed down, so to speak.
He does not wash his hands after using the bathroom, does not want to shower because "it will mess up his feet with sores from diabetes" and the cleaning ladies have said they have found soiled clothing and items shoved behind bedroom dressers, etc. My husband said that is typical behavior for him.
Yesterday, he called my husband and as he walked into his house, he found his dad with a gun to his stomach saying he was going to kill himself. Now social services/hospice/etc. are getting involved.
We have kept our daughter away from him because we are concerned about the cleanness of him, the house considering he soils things and has open sores on his legs (which he refuses to let the nurses wrap all the way). We are also concerned about his mental stablilty. His nurse feels like he may have weeks left, but it is anyone's guess.
There are people who would think we should let our daughter be around him, especially in what may be his last days and that it would be wrong to keep her away. She is 8. We are concerened due to infections (he is currently infected in his legs) and about his mental state.
Have you limited a grandchild's contact with their grandparent due to issues like this? Even though he cares nothing for me (has made it clear), I have no desire to keep his grandchild from him (especially in his last weeks/months) but I also do not want my young child infected or harmed (even emotionally). My husband already contracted an infection from him many years ago, so I am already paranoid.

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I would be more concerned about his mental health infection than his sores. Your daughter is only eight years old! You have no idea what this man might say to her. Any one willing to use a gun to try and kill themselves is not fit to be around any child. Hasn't this man done enough emotional harm to your husband? Your priority is to protect your child, not appease "there are people"!! That man never earned the right to be a grandfather so why should he be entitled now that his days are numbered? Your daughters wellbeing far outweighs doing what you think is the right thing to do.
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Sounds like this man is suffering from a mental disorde, and possible alzheimers diseaser. A parent's job is to keep one's children safe from harm, whether from mental or physical abuse, and this grandpa is too sick to be able to have a healthy relationship with this child. Talk to the child and explain why it would be difficult for her to visit him; if she insists, I would take for very short visits and warn her of possible behaviors, and never leave her alone in a room with him.
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At the age of eight, is she able to understand about his mental illness? Has she asked to see him? Has he asked to see her?

I agree with Debralee. I wouldn't feel an ounce of guilt keeping her away. She is not a prop. She is your child. He is a nasty human being and the less exposure she has to him, the better.

The lesson in all of this is "kindness begets kindness". People who are cruel may end up alone and bitter. I know he is "mentally ill" but that can't erase his past and current behavior.

You and your husband are very understanding. Do what you feel you have to do for your FIL during his last days but your daughter comes first. You owe no one an explanation.
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My mother has suffered from schizophrenia with bipolar disorder since her teen years. She was in and out of institutions during my childhood. She was non-medicated when out of these institutions as they only had thorazine back then which turns you into a drooling limp rag (no kidding). My dad expected her to work.

Needless to say, things did not go well. We had a very dysfunctional home. Adults screaming at children, threatening violence, posing physical threats (willingly or not--poor hygiene) is considered child abuse. Back in my childhood, everyone stayed out of others' business.

Unfortunately, that's why there are so many dysfunctional people today. After over a decade of counseling, I was able to at least understand the damage & why/how it happened.

Didn't make it go away, though. It never goes away.

Don't let it happen to your loved ones. Your father-in-law needed to have been confined a long time ago. Unfortunately, back in WWII they just did not have the drugs they have today.

Now there are meds that allow the mentally ill to function outside of an institution (as long as they take them as prescribed).

Very few mentally ill patients have to be confined long-term now. However, my understanding from one of my meetings with a psychiatrist for my mom's disability claim is that once those synapses die, there is no recovery for brain tissue.

In other words, it's just too late to help those patients function outside of an institution.

My mom has been in a NH for 13 years now. She has had to go to psych ward at nearby hospital 3x already.

They are trained professionals. Usu they can take care of problems quickly without help. However, last time I had to start a fire under them to get her the care she needed.

I recommend studying the particular type of mental illness your father-in-law suffers from on the internet in the form of research material as in WebMD or Mayo Clinic publications--not blogs, Wikipedia etc.

There is a lot of material on the internet that is totally wrong, posted by people who either don't know any better or whatever. So don't believe everything you read. You will have to study & see if it matches other posts.

I hope you don't have to do what I had to do & make dr appts just so you could learn how to deal with mentally ill people (and their detrimental effects of their abnormal behavior on immediate and extended family).

This is the very expensive method for gather info! (and even the experts don't agree all the time--just don't know a lot in this area yet). Unfortunately, they do not have the technology to learn enough about the brain to figure out what is going on to cause this bad brain chemistry besides just the basics w/r/t neurotransmitters.

Best of luck with it.
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My grandfather was a similar nut job. I rarely saw him, and was sheltered from his craziness. He was a con artist, gambled, beat his wife and later girlfriends, etc. I remember him with fondness as a kind funny man that I rarely saw. Even now I have a hard time reconciling the man I knew with the man I've heard about in stories. I think it was for the best when I was young.

I think you should protect your daughter as well. You need to do what is best for your daughter, not a man who has made poor choices. You can explain it to her when she's older.
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To GASouthernBelle,

She is asking about her 8 year old daughter, not looking to take on a research project to gain a greater understand of her FIL's extensive mental health problems and cruel behavior.
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Just because someone is related to you, does not mean you adjust your life or VALUES to be around them. When is any kind of abuse or danger acceptable? NEVER!
Treat this old bastard with detachment and see to whatever legitimate medical needs he has since it is cruel to ignore elders who can't fend for themselves.
Let her stay at a girlfirend's house to play when you must visit him. You are in charge of who your daughter is around, NOT HIM. He does not deserve to try to ruin her life, or throw away her heart. He does not have one!
Please learn to stand your ground with people like this and do not second guess your reasoning.
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Hi joycews, I wouldn't put the children in an infectious environment. You are kind, and gracious, enough to even let your children still be around him considering the circumstances. I would just keep it limited. We have a similar situation with my Dad, also Diabetic (never washes his hands). So I squirt hand sanitizer in his hands a lot. Before meals, snacks, before the grandkids come over, before we do activities, I think it's just a good habit. He hasn't complained(yet) he even says thank you, most of the time, and yes, he can be a grumpy old grouch when it comes to showers, meds, or some grooming. But that works for us, and I stick to it. You have a very good heart, considering his history. My Dad is kind of the same, in a lot of ways. And it's not easy to live with, or to be his caregiver. But my heart still goes out to him. He's 78 w/Alzheimer's and maybe in HIS last days, or weeks. Only God knows. You're doing a great job, keep up the good work, and follow your heart. God Bless, and take care.
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With all due respect, perhaps she is being "kind and gracious" to the father in law, but why doesn't her 8 year old daughter deserve the same treatment?
It is a parent's DUTY to protect offspring from danger. This man is dangerous.
Not looking for an argument, but I think people get desensitized to unacceptable behavior when constantly dealing with awful people. I chose to draw the line with certain people in my family, and I am a loud mama grizzly. I love it when nasty or weak people hate my guts. Yep:) xo
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First of all, anyone who has really had a lobotomy cannot do the behaviors you are describing. That said, since he is in hospice and your daughter already feels negative toward him, he ignores you, and previously infected your husband, why would you want to go near him? Wish him well, talk to him on the phone if he calls, but people who don't get hearing aids and expects everyone else to adjust their level of speech is not only selfish, but shows a complete lack of respect for others. That said, he is not going to change, but you can model your behaviors for your child by not letting her near him. This is how to deal with people who have unhealthy and disgusting habits. Good luck!
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I just read a lot of great answers, and I wouldn't let my child next to a person like that. She is at a young age and doesn't need that in her life. Don't feel guilty about her not seeing him, it just appears that he is a selfish person even at his age. Put him in a nursing home.
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Your daughter has already been harmed by her exposure to your FIL, let it stop now. Your FIL does not have a "right" to contact with her. Protect her - it is your job. Forgive me for being so blunt, but I feel strongly.
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If she is not asking, don't bring it up about the fact that you do not take her for visits. If she insists, explain that he is so sick that he does not know what he is doing and that it is not safe for her. Start preparing her for his passing, almost as if it has alread happened. Make it his illness that stops her from having a relationship not anyones actions or choices. when she is older you can give more technical and emotional info. but for now she just needs to know its not her fault and that he cannot control himself anymore. you don't have a relationship with him either so she is not alone. I am dealing with a recently diagnosed schizophrenic mother who is getting better but I would not leave my young child alone with her as its not safe emotionally or physically. Kids are pretty intuitive, they can tell when things are "not right" and can be empathitic but, do we need to put them through this is its not necessary? I say not. Hope theses ideas help. Also, he is lucky anyone even gives him any attention based on his past behavior when he was somewhat well. Personally, I would leave it up to social services and let him go completely. Best to you.
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The 8year old daughter has PRIORITY here and absolutely needs protection. Wish to hell my mother had protected me from.... Honest to God, I can't even believe we are having this discussion, unless you need proof for your husband. If you need that, here you go:

You never allow your children to be around cruel, vicious, dangerous, mean people, whether or not they are mentally ill, have Alzheimers.

You certainly do NOT expose your child to infection.

There is nothing she can gain in this situation, and so far she has lost much. I am sooooo confused; are we going for a will here? Does he have money to give away and you're hoping for a shot at it?

Once again, people can call me a witch, but I'm a protective witch. This time however I count MANY of us.
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Amen, Pamela Sue. Quit calling yourself a witch. You are absolutely right. It is called "righteous indignation." Jesus exhibited that emotion when necessary. Showing strict boundaries through firm declarations is a strength, dear one. I wish more people would cut through the crap and get to the point. Thank you. xo
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Thank you Christina. Sometimes I feel like I can feel everyone's pain and I can't make it better and I want to. It especially hurts when it's a child.
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Hi, thank you to everyone for all the answers. My daughter had been asking to see him and we explained about the infections and after the heart incident, she did not ask as much.
She has had issues understand why "gandpa treats her daddy so mean" and we have explained that he has always had issues and that some people are always that way. She has asked why her daddy helps him and my husband responded that even though he was a bad parent growing up that he was fed and clothed (which is of course what you should do for your kids) and that he will at least attend to basic needs because God wants you to forgive.
She has prayed for her Grandpa and we have explained that he may not have much longer to live. I have asked her if she wishes to go to the funeral when the time comes and she has indicated yes.
I did want to address a couple of things that posters brought up. One of the reasons I asked the question is I know our family is not the only one in this boat. In fact, many have situations where they have their elderly family member living in the same house. I know of a family that for years has been dealing with a child with Asphegers (sp) that would have similiar behavior as my father-in-law. They have to have someone in the house with him and his sister if they will not be home. They have no option. I had people in my family (extended) that was "not right" growing up. I was around them occassionally and was never the worse for it. I know she needs to know there are people in the world not playing with a full deck so to speak, so that is why I asked, "how often do you take your child around family like that."
Yes, he did have a lobotomy. Some patients many decades ago were left essentially like vegetables but others calmed down and functioned in labor jobs (like he did) at a low level. I do belive there has been another mental illness that has went undiagnosed (I believe he is a possible sociopath) but now conveniently gets rubber stamped as Alzheimers (which is the case with many elderly people).
To the poster who asked if we are just hanging around for the money or a shot at it...the answer is no. If he goes to needing the additional care as has been suggested he will essentially be broke in a matter of weeks. His home is in need of repair. He has no investments. As by the hundreds of posts on here from other caregivers, I would venture to guess 99% are not in it for the money.
My husband is simply trying to show our daughter that yeah, sometimes decent people still exist. Even when you have been treated like crap.
She is limited even more now because he has set up an infection. She has asked me to be upfront and honest with her even if it is something that would be sad and I promised her I would do so. I would rather her not even go to the funeral but I have been told that closure is important and she has said she wants to go.
Thanks to everyone again for sharing their stories and helping with opinions and suggestions.
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Bless your heart, Joyce. Certainly understand your position, and so good of you to respond and explain. I think protecting children from things they are not mature enough to handle was the key here. We all know nasty in one form or another, and especially caregivers of less than loving, kind parents.
For me, sometimes the image we create is worse than the one you are describing to us:)
Additionally, perhaps you were not given enough credit for your perspective. When I see a question posed that maybe sounds like the person does not know better, I take the more drastic approach. I like that you filled in the info after you got a good representation of opinions. Very smart.
Ultimately, we all want the best scenario for children and caregivers when subjected to difficult people we have to care for. You are a great Mom:) xoxo
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