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My partner and I are going through a rough patch and I told her I want a separation. I was pretty involved in the care of her mother who has Alzheimer’s but I broke off all contact in May because her mom mistreated me. She has had to pick up all the slack because her sister doesn’t help. She recently had to fire the caregiver because of an incident that happened and has no replacement yet.



Despite us being on bad terms and me not even talking to her mom in months she asked if I can - at least temporarily - help her with her mom because she is overwhelmed.



I didn’t want to do it BEFORE the separation. I don’t want to do it now. I am starting to feel guilty a little because even though I want to split up I don’t know if it is right to watch her struggle to care for her mom. On the other hand, I couldn’t care less what happens to her mom right now.



What would you do in my situation? Should I just suck it up for a month?

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I wouldn't care for my MIL even if there wasn't a split.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 24, 2024
olddude,

We can always count on you to tell us how you feel without beating around the bush. I love it!
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No. Not your circus, not your monkey. If you're serious about splitting up and moving forward, just say no.
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I would be honest with her and tell her how caring for her mom in the first place influenced your decision about separating.

Then, I might tell her to call a few caregiver agencies to help out in the interim and wish her luck on finding a new permanent caregiver. Or you could suggest placement in a facility for her mom.

Be honest with yourself too. You know that you don’t want to be in this situation anymore. It wouldn’t end well if you caved in to your ex partner’s request.

You don’t owe her anything, not even an explanation if you don’t want to go into detail. I think that you are feeling empathy for your ex in this situation, not necessarily guilt.

You’re not talking about a child who deserves love from both parents. She can hire someone to help with caring for her mom.
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You can give her some advice, moral support if you want, but I would not walk into that minefield of emotion.

Talking about, dealing with, my MIL is the ONE THING that keeps me and my DH apart, emotionally and physically and mentally. He puts her first and I feel it, and know it--and know why--but it's very hard to be the last person on the list.

I do not, and will not, help in the physical care of my MIL. I walked out 4 years ago and have not and will not go back.

Do NOT walk back in to that.

Esp if MIL knows you're splitting up. While that would thrill MY MIL to pieces, it would come at such a cost.
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NeedHelpWithMom Jan 24, 2024
So very happy that you divorced your MIL years ago. She wasn’t ever kind to you or anyone else. No one deserves to be abused.
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Don’t do it. This will not end well for you.
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It never ceases to amaze me the nerve people have. My ex MIL treated me like dirt under her expensive shoes. I would've cared for her when hell froze over, let me tell you. Abusive behavior warrants NO GUILT on your behalf and certainly no caregiving services either. This ship has sailed for your ex and her mother.
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It seemed MIL needs to be in facility care from your previous messages. I would be concerned for your ex but would not want to enable your ex continuing to care for her mom at home.
Perhaps MIL could go in respite care while your ex takes some personal time and finds her a home.
I know this must be a tough decision to make.
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I wouldn’t provide care to my MIL and I’m in a good relationship with my spouse. Caregiving is hard enough with a person who’s kind and cooperative, someone you like, but when it’s a person you don’t like or mistreats you, it’s definitely a pass. I’d hope you move on with your life and put this in the rear view
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Just say no.
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You have choices ,

1) You do not have to help at all . You can tell your partner you are sorry she’s overwhelmed but she will have to find another solution.

2) You can help by running some errands and dropping off some food for a limited time , but you are not obligated to do anything .

3) OR…..If you are looking for reconciliation you could offer to help with a hard deadline of her placing her mother in a facility . And by help, you should not do the hands on caregiving . You could come over and make some meals , do some cleaning and laundry, errands , grocery shopping .
Explain that it is not a good idea for you to do any hands on caregiving considering how you were treated . Don’t be left alone with this woman . You don’t need her accusing you of anything .
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