Things are so much worse. Brother and his wife instructed AL to have me arrested if I participate in mom’s care.
I’ve taken y’all’s advice and stepped back. Up until December when mom lost her dentures. So I ran myself ragged driving her to her dentist on the other side of town 3 times to get her new dentures. During which she started having gastrointestinal problems and inability to swallow. I took her to ER on 12/22 and managed to get her on the schedule with a gastroenterologist which was not easy during holiday. Then on xmas Eve I went to visit and give her the beautiful quilt I made for Christmas. She was in poor shape, diaphoretic, still in nightgown and sick from the contrast CT she had on 12/22. My out of state brother had been to visit her a few hours earlier. When I got ready to leave, she got up, lost her bowels and teetered backwards smashing into the door frame. I ran screaming to the DR for help cause no one was on the floor. Once EMT’s were called I told CNA that I would meet her at the hospital. Lo and behold I learned my brother refused transport because he was already a couple hours away. I was sickened and could not believe people could be so cruel. I had a long-standing trip to see my granddaughter I had not seen in 2-1/2 years due to Covid departing on 12/27 and since she was flat on her back and all she could eat was ice chips I decided to hire a private caregiver to care for her and get her seen by her doctor on Zoom while I was gone. Also 12 employees had resigned, and staff was short due to holiday and Covid. Turns out mom had suffered a T-12 fracture in the fall. My SIL started raising cain and demanded AL get rid of the caregiver which they did not. I paid the caregiver bill with one of mom’s signed checks then all hell broke loose. I ended up reporting to APS the failure of all of them - AL included - to get her medical care.
The private caregiver and me nursed her back to some semblance of health so when APS interviewed her - she threw me under the bus and said she hadn’t required a caregiver. It was determined I violated her rights and my brother, his wife, and APS investigator banished me from the AL under threat of arrest other than visits. I realized I had been scapegoated again. None of the parties involved took responsibility for their failures during her health care crisis. So I’ve stayed distant. But once a scapegoat always a scapegoat - now mom wants me back - asked me to take her to the doctor and the director at AL who had initially told me I was banished is now saying I can take her to the doctor.
I want to know what changed, and when, and who changed it? My brother and SIL who deserted her and absconded with all her money or who? He also hijacked her medical chart so I can no longer communicate with her doctors and he took her out of the care of gastroenterologist that was to do endoscopy to relieve the acid built up in her gut which I believe has led to gastroparesis (she is brittle diabetic). It feels like he has left her in AL to die and tormenting me by the fact that all I can do is come visit and watch her wither.
I am absolutely sick and having physiological illness due to their (all of them) narcissistic abuse. BP sky high, broke out in eczema. I knew they would want me back because he signed her up for another year and transferred her care to in-house quack so as to isolate her and keep me from taking her to her private specialists. But I feel out of self preservation I have to say NO.
Q: why can’t APS and state agencies recognize when a POA is neglectful and why won’t they do something about it? He and his wife have the AL eating out of their hands - it’s all so ugly and I’m distrustful of all of them. I am not going to jail for trying to help my mom. I had to help her because I witnessed the fall. But pleasing her is killing me.
Step away from this train wreck.
So mom asks for something.
You need to say "sure, mom. Have brother buy it for you'."
She protests that you need to buy it?
"No mom, I can't afford that. Brother has control of your funds, by your choice. Please get in touch and ask him."
Maybe there's a good explanation for this, but from where I sit, you are being used.
Christian charity only works if the folks you're donating to aren't grifters.
So, she wasn’t coerced into signing the POA - she did it of her own free will. Wish I had known that before I gave a lawyer $5k. I haven’t been allowed to take her out of the facility since she signed it in January. The one time I did I got written authorization from my brother, then when I wanted to take her to lunch on Mother’s Day he said no. I’m not doing this anymore - not submitting to narcissists. Done!
I'm a guardian and conservator. There's a lot of oversight when it comes to conservatorship. In my particular case, funds have to go into a special bank account that is approved by the court. The bank itself keeps a close eye on what's going out of the account. The court requires me to pay all bills by check (which is not possible, of course, because many places do not take checks). I am not allowed to pay any recurring bills electronically, per both the court and the bank. What I can't pay for with a check goes on a credit card that I reserve only for her expenses. I reimburse myself with a check, but I have to provide copies of all receipts to the court, and they have to clearly be for my LO's care. I have to provide copies of all canceled checks. If I fail to account for some expense, or the judge doesn't agree with the purchase, I have to reimburse the estate. I cannot write a check over a certain amount. I cannot pay any one person or service provider more than a certain amount. I cannot sell large property without the judge approving of the purchase price. In some states, the judge tells you the amount you can spend on care items per month, and if you need to go over that amount, you have to get permission. And permission can take weeks, since the courts are all backed up from COVID (still).
Of course, laws vary state to state, but generally conservatorship comes with a big list of things you cannot do. There are checks and balances in place to prevent a conservator from just running away with someone's money. And yes, it's not foolproof. But the courts are not naive. This is not their first rodeo.
The Britney Spears case really did a disservice to conservators because it gave the public the idea that it's just a way for unscrupulous people to profit from their family members. In actuality, the courts make it pretty hard to do that, which is a good thing. Although sometimes the amount of red tape makes it hard to do the job.
Were I you I would not be taking ANY part now in Mom's care. Either the brother, who you claims absconded with all the money, or the State would have to assume care. I would be willing to visit. That is all.
You are currently making accusations against a family (your own), an elder at risk (your Mom), State Authorities (APS), and care facilities, and you are telling us that you and you alone are not responsible for anything at all. While certainly ALL THAT YOU TELL US may be the absolute truth, it isn't something for us to investigate or KNOW the truth of.
We can certainly give you our sympathy and I know every one of us does. But there is nothing we can do in this situation.
I wish you the best and wish your Mom the best as well. I hope others have advice for you that will/might be of some use to you. I am so sorry for all of this chaos. I would maintain the distance you created when you say that you "stepped back".
You have to protect yourself from her. She obviously plays mind screw games with you and you keep participating. Stop!
You can have a relationship without being involved with her care, her money, her son or any of the drama. You decide what activity you are going to do with her and spend your visit doing that. Keep it short and sweet. Keep her engaged in something that doesn't allow her to cry about the consequences of her choices. If she starts in, leave, hang up or walk away, you aren't her dumping ground. Don't comment on her situation other then to say, you chose your son to be your POA mom, so he is the only one that can address that for you, sorry. Then let it go. Do this EVERY SINGLE TIME. When she starts complaining and wanting to move, oh mom, I am sorry to hear that, gotta call brother, he's the one that has the authority to help you. Don't comment on the situation, on her son, what you think of him, nothing, just direct her to the source of authority she chose and make yourself absent. Be a broken record with it.
DO NOT try for guardianship. She will devour you, your life, your health, your emotional well-being and probably make a statistic out of you. She made choices that she is now living with the consequences, don't try to save her knowing that she will throw you under the bus as soon as her son shows up.
You are starting to sound a bit unhinged with it all, maybe walking away without a backward glance is what you need for you. I know it's hard when you desire a mother's love but, she doesn't have it to give you, period. You are reaching for a rainbow with her, save yourself.
"And yes - he (my estranged brother) is positioned to inherit all her money - that’s why he doesn’t want me involved."
Your mom DISINHERITED you, right?
You need to step away from these folks and make of life of your own.
In which case, you would be financially responsible not only for YOUR lawyer, but for HER lawyer's fees and all court costs.
The fact that APS does nothing means that mom is competent enough to call the shots.
You CAN'T help folks who don't want your help. If you need an instructive book about this issue, read Liz Scheier's "Never Simple". A heartbreaking tale, similar to yours. Liz saved herself, as should you.
Step away before they totally destroy you, TW.
The decades long struggle of that gal to help a mother who not only didn't WANT her help, but who wasn't mentally able to avail herself of the help of ANYONE, was just excruciating.
I would bet you anything that the friends of the author of that book told her over and over again that she could not help, yet for decades, almost until the death of her Mom, the author tried and tried and it had serious repercussions on her own life (tho made a great book).
TWillie has told us that she feels that she cannot visit to discuss with Mom and bro and SIL, that they are "looking for an excuse to arrest" her.
I always wonder what the story would be "on the other side" in these long affairs, as threats of arrest don't come out of the blue normally, and APS has already been drawn into this and found no case.
I got a private message note from TW telling me that she doesn't want my opinion, so clearly I have stepped on yet another toe in the Forum, but there is really not a whole lot one can do to help in some cases, and in many I suspect our sympathy holds people back in the mire they are stuck in.
I am leaving TW to your kind sympathy and butting out of this thread. Too bad I don't read responses very often to comments, or I would have known that was her wish April 14th!
Better late than never.
Wish all well.
"It’s been a while since I’ve posted cause I’ve been sticking to my guns and seeing my mom every 3 weeks. Started my new job - my main focus- on my feet 6-8 hours a day very hard to adjust to. Went to visit my mom today (after I went to the cemetery to put flowers on my son’s grave) and she was clearly antagonist from the moment I walked in the door. She’s angry cause I’m not bringing her back to my house for a festive Easter holiday which includes taking her to HER church, spending the night then me driving her home tomorrow. We’re talking at least 180 mile trip. I was going to take her out today for dinner - well that wasn’t enough. I’m sorry, I don’t color eggs and make coconut cakes anymore. My husband and my son are dead. My daughter and grandchildren are in other states. I don’t cook - I eat on a TV tray except for the occasional meal out which would have been a treat and we could have enjoyed if she wasn’t so rigid. She told me that she don’t know why she asked me to come, that she could gave gotten SIL to take her to the store and that I think I’m too good to go to her curch. So I left. Somehow I don’t think Jesus would want families to fight over how and where they are going to spend their time together IF they even do - on Resurrection Sunday."
There is NO reason for you to torture yourself trying to please this person. For whatever reason--mental health issues most likely--she is incapable of love.
This means you can move closer to your daughter and grandchild.
You don't have to be in CA to be more accessible for visits. Look into small towns around larger cities in neighboring states.
You will be so busy starting the new season in your life that your mom and her son won't even have any head space.
I am sorry for your losses, we aren't suppose to bury our children but, it happens and we find a way to continue living. You will, as soon as you're not entangled with the BS your mom keeps barfing on you. Right now, you don't have much positive to occupy you, so get busy and create the plan for the way forward. Unplug that Hoover!