Sex and dementia. How do I deal with my husband?

OMG WHEN YOU GET AN ANSWER PLEASE LET ME KNOW, I HAVE THE SAME PROB, I AM NOT AT ALL INTERESTED AND THIS IS ALL HE EVER TALKS ABOUT WELL THIS AND CAMPING 2 THINGS THAT ARE NOT HAPPENING FOR ME ANYMORE, AND WHEN I DON'T GIVE IN HE GETS SO VERBALLY ABUSIVE I HAVE TO FINALLY GIVE IT UP, BUT I ABSOLUTELY HATE IT, I LIKE YOU NEED ADVICE ........HELP BEING A CARE GIVER IS MORE THAN ENOUGH WORK WITHOUT THIS TOO.

PS MY HUSBAND IS 85

Presumably he is the one with dementia and you don't want any further sexual relationship with him....if so that is a great sadness for both of you....from experience with a wife with Alzheimer's at age 70 (I am 72), I still have those sexual needs, but she clearly does not enjoy it anymore....at our ages, it isn't the physical act itself, although pleasurable in and of itself, but rather the feeling of intimacy between the two of you that is important....that intertwining of your lives at the deepest level, the giving of your whole self to another and the receiving of love, affection and yes reaffirmation and acceptance of you as a person and a man....this is what counts now in the twilight of our years....in my case, there is a real difficulty in that I get the feeling I am almost a "child predator" as her Alzheimer's moves into the severe category.....sadly, now, just holding each other closely will have to suffice, and it will....I suggest you try to understand and respond positively as much as you can....

Can he do it? Lucky him! My husband needs the pills, and they don't always work, but his libido does!

I read in one book about a woman who was unwilling to have sex with the stranger her husband had become. She moved them to separate bedrooms, which was very helpful. I have an agreement with my mild AD spouse that we will "do it" every two weeks, and I actually put it on the calendar. The code is "DI"
for "did it".

If he is pestering you daily, discuss it with the doctor when he is not with you. Maybe an antidepressant or anti-anxiety drug would slow him down. Once or twice a month, I can "close my eyes and think of England."

I GUESS I DID NOT STATE WHAT IS THE REAL PROBLEM, AND TO ALL I LOOKS LIKE I AM BEING UN GIVING AND UN CARING, NOT AT ALL THE CASE, HE IS AND HAS ALWYS BEEN A SEX ADDICT, AND HAS REALLY DISGUSTED ME THROUGH THE YEARS WITH HIM THIS WAY OF WHAT HE CALLS AND IS SEX TO HIM, I LOVE TO MAKE LOVE AND WOULD BUT HE IS NOT THAT WAY, YES I GUESS I KNEW IT YEARS AGO BUT IN MY YOUNGER DAYS I DID NOT UNDERSTAND IT, SO MY REASON FOR NOT WANTING ANYTHING WITH HIM ANYMORE IS BECAUSE OF THE WAY HE IS, I WILL NOT COMPETE WITH SEX FILMS AND CRAP OF THAT NATURE IT IS SUPPOSE TO BE BETWEEN 2 AND 2 ONLY, HE REFUSED TO BE THIS WAY SO I AM NOW REFUSING BECAUSE I HAVE LOST ALL RESPECT FOR HIM.....PERIOD I WILL CONTINUE TO TAKE CARE OF HIM BUT ITS NOT THERE ANYMORE THAT WAY.

@trailblazers3: the issue you and I have is not really about the sex act itself I am thinking but more about the fact, I speak just for myself here, that I not only lost respect for husband, I stopped loving him many years ago b/c of the verbal, emotional and financial abuse our whole marriage. I am not some hard, bitter woman who wants to 'get even' with him for the things he has done, I have taken care of ALL his other needs in a kind and loving way but for me, I am just an unpaid caregiver. I have learned to value myself enough now, to set boundaries with this extreme narcissistic man and not subjecting myself to his abrasive touching is one of them. He has extreme ED but even if he could perform, I would not change this boundary as the act of sex was always all about him anyway. Sometimes I feel bad for him b/c all humans need to be touched and hugged and I do these but only when he is not being the nasty, ugly, verbally demanding man that he was and now is without any mental filters. Ya just have to decide what you can live with for your own mental and emotional health.

@123Ann: what a dear, loving soul you are to have expressed so beautifully what a wonderful, loving marriage looks like in the later years! I cried as I read your response and how you take your wife's condition into consideration. You described a 'text book perfect' marriage where love and respect remain during the twilight years. That is how it is 'supposed' to be, to look like, and your wife is blessed to have such a man as you to care for her. Unfortunately, not all end of life relationships are so loving and they are in a different 'text book' about dysfunctional relationships and are extremely complicated by the 'authors' (lives) in those 'books'. The fact is, all people need to feel loved and protected and safe in the arms/embrace of their chosen life companion at any stage in life and it is not just the spouse with dementia that has those needs. Those of us who have extremely abrasive husbands are also denied our needs, making the choice not to have 'sex' with our husbands, all the more painful but necessary.

((((((((Hugs)))))) to you all. This is such a difficult area, among many other difficulties. So much depends on the relationship that was built up over the years. I have great respect for all of you for what you are doing. Draw the boundaries that you have to for the reasons that you have. Seek medical advice and counselling if need be. More hugs and be sure to do something good for you today.

I have been waiting for someone to broach this subject. I knew I couldn't be the only one who was facing problems. My husband who is ten years older than me wants to do it but hasn't been able for 10 years since he had his prostate operated on. We used to have times of intimacy anyhow and I loved that. But now he forgets and keeps asking me how to do it. Besides his lack of cleanliness and forgetting how to brush his teeth too is a real turn-off. I keep telling myself that I am probably missing out on my last chance to be close to him but I just can't handle it anymore. It is a problem for me and I really miss the loving man I married. I still love him but can't handle this part! I don't know what to do or how to talk to the doctor about it.

Sometimes might "professional attention" from the world's oldest be an appropriate substitute. In this day and age of specialization surely there are "companions" who specialize in treating the elderly. Hotel concierges are supposed to know about local services available -- at least in the movies.

Sadly there is nothing worse than a person touching you who you do not want to touch you. Almost the final boundary - but it seems it has to be there. You sound like you are doing the best you possibly can - you cannot also expect to be intimate in the most personal way with someone who it sounds like you don't even like. You have a right to your body!

whatevwr you want to believe. im the bitchinest cook that ever cooked and if an older girl dont wanna make hormonal type odors in the beddroom with me, im sorry but ill replace you with a cardboard sillohette. that cardboard sillohette girl will sure be treated well and appreciated well. but seriously if sex isnt your thing, your dinosauer excrement to me. im an insensitive oaf but im telling you how it is. sexist, insensitive, simpleton, i can live with all of that but if ya wont get it on with me im better off alone..

sorry, i aint jokin. i have as much use for a girl as an eskimo does an icebox if she aint firing me up. what do men want? we like it when you look uncomfortable.., humor people, look up jim jeffries on youtube and youll see that im kidding.. huh.. kidding. its ok to call it that..

captain,

You sweet talker, you.

oy.

yea. im not big on political correctness but i rock on honesty...

No one mentioned that fact that sometimes for older women sexual relations becomes an almost impossible feat because of muscular changes, perhaps atrophy? causing the act to be quite painful! So an older man must be quite careful and there are times when tact is needed. Always I suppose, but I think many times we forget what a sensitive subject it can be for some. Tied to self image, self worth, and morality.

Captain,
One thing women find very sexy is a man who is willing to cook and clean. I don't think you would have trouble finding someone to appreciate you! It's the dirty, selfish lazy ones we can't stand, no matter how "sexy" they think they are.

Ruralwannabe -
I'm only 66, but I rely on Estring to keep me comfortable in that way. It's not generic, so it's pricy, but worth it.

I also have lost all interest in sex with my 62 year old dementia riddled husband. As previously mentioned, the lack of hygene is a real turn-off. Also, at this point I feel more like his mother than his wife. Fortunately, he doesn't bring it up often and I do feel bad for taking that away from him also. He does sleep in a different room, so that helps. I agree, there's just so much you can give of yourself.

lol, i guess i deserved to be edited this time. too much honesty in too little space. lololol

Wow this is difficult, but honestly I personally would go to the doctor and explain the situation however I would leave out some of the details and just ask the doctor to please prescribe something to reduce or stop his sex drive. I have to say that most medications for seizures completely stop the desire or ability to have sex.

This is a very touchy situation when you are of sound mind, I cannot imagine what it must be like to deal with someone who has dementia especially in your situation.

My heart goes out to you!

I have heard that this type of behavior can happen with Alzheimer's patients when they are placed in situations like adult day care or a nursing home. They don't remember their spouses and begin to talk about their new boyfriend or girlfriend. This happened to Sandra Day O'Connor as her husband was placed in a home. It seems possible as some dementia patients revert to childhood. Are you safe? are his advances physically agressive or mainly verbal? Do you have someone to vent to (friend, sister?). I would have trouble being in your shoes. I would definitely keep focused on making sure you have time for yourself and plans for him if his dementia progresses in case he becomes more agressive woth you.

I am glad someone brought this topic to light. My great-uncle had a much, much younger wife and fathered his last child at 80 and passed at age 81. I thought it was just unusual and a fluke that he would have been able to still complete intercourse at that age. After reading this forum, I see it is not that uncommon. I'm in my early 40's (hubby is now 50) and that part of our life went away years ago due to health problems from hubby. Blood pressure, diabetes, low T, and some other health issues make it impossible.
I admit, when I read the first few posts, I felt a twinge of, "man, wish I had that problem" and then I REALLY read the posts and my heart goes out to anyone facing this from either perspective.
Thank you all for the education. I honestly did not know it was such an issue for some up in their 80's. Learn something new everyday.

Oh and Raven gave the good suggestion about seizure meds. Avoid neurotin. Known to increase sex drive in some patients. I knew someone put on neurotin for other purposes than seizures and her sex drive went through the roof. Poor thing, I think she was ready to pester her husband to death.

can we reverse this for a minute, I am 68 my husband is 82, we have always had a wonderful fulfilling sex life, with his advanced Alzheimers he does not recognize me very often as his wife he thinks I am a visiter here. At night when we go to sleep together in the same bed, I never even get a warm hug at all anymore, and if I ask for a kiss goodnight, reluctantly he will give me a peck on the cheek. He tells me he loves his wife & is very faithful, therefore does not want to get to close to me. The book 36 Hour Day talks of the situation that this thread is discussing. This becomes a problem with some males with ALZ & it says it is usually not their normal behavior, but part of the disease. The first I ever read about this was in the book Called Lost, where the husband " takes" his wife at his will.

What is it called when 85 year old who has dementia mild and no energy and yet at Dr. office he seems to come alive, till we're out of there.
So all the things were there to see about do not show.

hi trailblazer, my 82 year old husband shines when it is doctor time, same as you state. that's why I give the Doctor a typed update for the past three months. I have noticed, talking on the phone, going out to eat & with the Dr. he sure puts on a front.

One of the most important and exclusive things a married couple have between JUST the two of them is sex, it's an awful thing to lose that privilege. I think we women can go without sex a lot easier than a man can, so it's doubly hard for a female to get in the mood. I have NEVER been good at faking it, either I'm feeling it or not. It can be an awful rut to get out of, and quite honestly I have had to fall on my knees and ask God for help. Which He did BTW. And we have a 'normal' marriage, not one that is ravaged by dementia. I feel for all you out there having to deal with this. Just another thing stolen by Alzheimers.

I don't have answers because my situation is so much different. My husband had an accident almost 5 years ago at age 60 that resulted in a very severe traumatic brain injury (TBI). He lost about 25 years of memory, which unfortunately included our entire marriage years (we had been married 17 years at the time). He spent a year and a half living outside our home in a very aggressive rehab facility where he lived 85miles from where we reside. I was allowed to bring him home every other weekend. Before his injury, he had began to exhibit signs of PTSD from his service in Vietnam and as a result had stopped working in 2006. Up until then, he was a very hard-working vibrant man who was active and strong and with whom I enjoyed a very satisfying loving relationship. Once his PTSD began, he started having some health issues as well and our sex life suffered. We tried Viagra but it didn't seem to be of any help to him. So rather than continue trying and having him feel more and more of a failure, we sort of unconsciously just stopped even trying. Our love remained strong, however. Then he had his accident and the TBI. Our lives forever changed. The relationship dynamics greatly changed in that I became his advocate who fought for his VA services, scheduled all of his appointments, kept logs of questions for his medical provider and rehab, etc. Although we still shared a bed when he was home on those weekends, that was all. He would ask if he could kiss me and he would but now that was like kissing an elderly father rather than my husband. He is 9 years older than me, but it had not mattered before the TBI. Now he just was like a big child almost and everything felt different. Fortunately, he has never become overly obsessed with sex, as I know sometimes happens with brain injuries. He just likes to hug people. He came home from the rehab in the latter part of 2011 and in spring of 2012 was diagnosed with dementia. The type of dementia is associated with his frontal lobe TBI which affects his emotions, memory, and decision-making & reasoning. He requires 24/7 care and supervision. I had to retire at the end of 2012 for this reason and am his full time caregiver. I have no help with his care. I do get respite care thru VA for him-- 30 six-hr days per year -- but for several months until recently there was not a provider available to give these services in my area so VA contracted with another provider who has sent an aid out on one occasion to sit with my husband When I had an appointment recently. I am now 56 and have been without a love-life with my husband for about 8 years now and then without even husband/wife type of relationship for 5 years since the TBI. and of course now with the dementia, his moods, memory and all are just deteriorating further. I have feelings of guilt feeling sorry for myself and thinking I should not have to be loveless and without any intimacy of any sort in my life for 5 years now. Although in essence, I lost the man who was my husband the day of his accident, the shell that is left of him is still here with me locked up in our home day after day needing me to care for him. It is such a mundane life we lead now and I find it hard to understand the purpose in it all but then I don't believe in adultery, even in these dire circumstances. So I'm left feeling totally alone and like I will never enjoy being held again, let alone being intimate with someone again. And I feel like my life is just passing me by. Which isn't fair when my husband is suffering with this terrible disease of dementia. I'm torn over the feelings I have and feel completely stuck in my situation.