We have a camera on them and they disconnected it so that my brother cannot see them during the night. He lives near by and can be there within 5 minutes. They refuse to answer the phone. They have physical therapists come to the house without telling us. Which will not help either of them. He gets out of bed and showers at 4:30 in the morning. My brother is at a loss and I live out of town and with Covid afraid to visit and cannot help.
Clearly, they will not listen to you and/or have cognitive issues limiting their ability to listen or care about consequences.
* There is NO need to tell them there is a camera installed. If you/r brother want to install it again, don't tell them. Take them for a ride while it is being done.
* As others have said, you can do so much and then you must realize that you cannot do more or other.
* I thought you meant "children" as in 5-12 years old. You mean their adult kids (you) -
* Give them two options: (1) Take a shower and risk falling and ending up in rehab for six months; (2) shower when caregiver there. Options between two possibilities limits the yes or no response.
* At 90, they've lived their lives and whatever decisions they make comes with consequences. Perhaps they are 'ready to go' as crude as this may sound. If they want to be alone when they are, so be it.
* It may be that you need to adjust to 'what is,' and change how you view the situation, accepting what happens happens. They may not ever change at their age and cognitive functioning.
P.S. When I bring up to my 87 year old friend "you might fall," he says "No, I won't." I work with elders and have to adjust several times a day under a variety of situations, ages, temperaments, cognitive and physical functioning. It is always a 'letting go' learning experience. And, my feelings pass - I don't stay stuck there for long. Thank God as it often doesn't feel good in those moments. Now, if my mom had lived longer than 76, she would have been hell on wheels (she was already). She burned her kitchen counter, living alone and was very needy. * Be sure there are smoke detectors in your parents' home and perhaps get those cameras re-installed - and perhaps more than one. Gena.
In my case, I live with my parents who were declining so I had to take over gradually. For instance, my mom would make her appointment with the doctor, dentist and hairstylist. She never wrote it down. She never told me when her appointments date and time. Then she would ask me when it is. She would call back repeatedly to ask when. I repeatedly told her to write it down. Finally, we fought about it for a while, I started scheduling her appointments without telling her to make her think that she had an appointment scheduled. So in other words, it may not be the best strategy, but I had to find someway of helping her.
I have also taken caregiver workshop classes and support group meetings. If you haven't already, it may help to get feedback from people who are in this profession. I cannot blame you for doing what you did. However, for anyone dealing with caregiving should know it is a very challenging world to be in. We are going to make mistakes. It is inevitable. Take classes and join caregiver groups to help guide you through this journey. There are many resources and so much need to know information. And everyone's level of caregiving is and is not the same.
They *refuse* to answer the phone? - just to your brother? To you as well? Are they refusing, or are they not hearing it, or what?
They have PT appointments which they don't tell you about.
Your father likes to get up and shower at an unusually early time.
Um.
Has anything happened that actually carries risk of harm?
How long is there an aide with them during the day? Have you asked the aide's opinion of their care needs?
Your brother is closer & will be first responder. He may want an action plan too. What is he willing to do? Drop everything to rush over for an emergency?
Then work with your brother to define *emergency*.
I signed up for that, but 'emergencies' became 12 falls a year + spilled coffee, stuck in a chair, feeling nauseous, taxi didn't arrive...on & on.
So I quit & joined the Stepped Back club too. For falls she has a fall alarm & must call EMS instead. The rest she has to sort out herself with her home help.
Your folks are still independent (maybe, just?) Next comes semi-dependant. How much will be reasonable for you both to do to keep them living their way?
My mom's Dr. said: "If mom usually goes in the kitchen about the same time of the day, you'd be able to see if she's ok, If not, then a phone call to check on her is a good idea.
If they are aware of what they are doing, then there needs to be a conversation with them. These are the things we need done at your home so that you can both continue to live here. If the camera is too intrusive in your bedroom, we can move it. If something happens to either of you, we might have to be able to show that we tried to keep you safe....would you want us to end up in jail for neglect???
Many times it is easier to hear from a pro, our family dynamics/issues can be a factor in listening to common sense aging issues. If people are stubborn they may have to live with their decisions. We all fall... eventually. I like the wrist fall/emergency device as well, peace of mind for loved ones and the service will contact a family member if needed.Not driving, that is a big one too!
Many times it is easier to hear from a pro, our family dynamics/issues can be a factor in listening to common sense aging issues. If people are stubborn they may have to live with their decisions. We all fall... eventually. Not driving, that is a big one too!
If their doctors haven't certified them as incompetent, then you and your brother need to step back. Sure, try to got them to wear Life Alert pendants, but otherwise respect their rights to live their lives.
Yes, the "crisis" day will come, but no amount of what you're doing will prevent it from happening. Just back off, have some contingency plans with your brother, and let them have their independence as long as they can enjoy it.
You also might have another camera mounted in a different area that they will feel comfortable leaving on all the time because I have 3 Nest Cameras in my 96 ye old Dad's house and you can hear him from watching the camera from another room.
You or your brother won't be able to do anything about it as long as they have their mental faculties, which sounds like they do. Sounds like they just want some privacy.
Mout falls do happen in the bathroom so hopefully your brother has installed hand rails in the shower/bath and a Shower/Bath Seat.
You might hide a Baby Cam in the Bathroom where you can hear only just in case he falls. But, at least he has your mom there to call your brother or 911 if her husband falls.
Not too likely that both will fall at the same time.
If they are cognizant you can not "force" them to accept help, or take precautions that you and your brother want them to.
Unless or until someth8ing happens to either of them the choice is theirs to make.
You can however present scenarios that might occur.
Ask both of them what would happen if either of them were to be injured. Maybe something like this.
"Mom, if dad falls and you can not care for him where would you want him to go for rehab?" Ask dad the same.
"Dad, if mom falls and and can not return home what will you do? Would you want to go live with her in Assisted Living or do you want to stay here, by yourself?"
Ask both of them what funeral arrangements they want just in case any injury was a fatal one.
I know sounds brutal but maybe they need a reality check and explain that you want them safe but you realize they have a choice in the decision and you want to be prepared for anything.
If so, get the kind worn on the wrist. More often than not, a person will remove the type worn as a necklace when they shower and go to bed.
Regarding physical therapy coming to the house, that is almost always a good idea. They are experts and can do so many things to try to help prevent falls. Falls usually happen at some point anyway, but physical therapy can help delay it as long as possible. It was very smart of your parents to have therapy come out and they fortunate. Also, if the therapists do not feel that your parents are benefiting from the therapy, the therapy will be stopped. Medical insurance will not pay for therapy once improvement from that therapy stops / no gains are seen by the therapists. Especially with this pandemic when agencies are running very short staffed and they have people waiting to be seen that could benefit from the therapy.
Regarding the phone not being answered: is it possible that you and your brother are just driving your parents nuts with continued questions and suggestions about their health and safety when you call them? Is this why they are no longer answering the phone? You love them and are concerned and don’t want anything bad to happen. Believe me, I get it. But if all the concerned comments, questions and suggestions are now causing them to not answer the phone, maybe it is better to ease up a bit so maybe they will start answering the phone again.
Best of luck to you; I know it’s not easy.
You can either wait for an 'incident' or have a "come to Jesus" sit down with them and explain (kindly and lovingly) that you are worried about them, and your putting cameras in the house and calling them is for THEIR safety, you are trying to give them a happy medium of independence and support.
I personally think that PT probably DOES help them, at least a little. Desiring to keep moving is a good sign. You may want to meet the PT's. At least there are eyes on the scene a couple days a week?
I would be firm about them answering the phone. For them to not do that is simply thoughtless and rude.
Do you treat them as adults or dim children? I don't appreciate when my kids treat ME like I'm an addlepated nut case. I'm 64, busy and active--but my kids all treat me like I'm unable to function. If I can still be left with their kids to watch, they can't pull that 'mom, you're getting old' on me.
At the end of the day, there is nothing you can really DO to make your folks 'bend to your will'. We all see that you care for them, they are making things difficult, but they have that right.
Regroup with brother and try to reason with them. 90 is pretty old (both my mom and MIL are 90 and I KNOW how fragile they are--but my Gma's at 90 were still living alone and totally capable of daily living.)
Come back--people will have a lot to say that can help you.
They may have stopped answering the phone due to the D$#@ robo calls and/or scammers. Make sure they have caller ID and have a set time to call. My elderly cousin calls at 9AM Saturday. She phones me to let me know she is OK and what else is happening. If I don't hear from her, I call at 9:30AM. No answer then, I send in the troops. This gives her some control of her life.
If I am right, and there isn't a dementia diagnosis, you are going to have to understand that they are alone, vulnerable to fall because of their age, and that this eventually WILL happen. There is at least two of them, and with 911 easy to remember, able to be posted, I think you may be down to that for now.
You understand this is a disaster waiting to happen. You can sit them down and gently explain that these devices are for their safety and their good, and that realistically people of this age DO fall and WILL fall. But I am not certain what else you are able to do but make house as cleaned out, trip proof stair free as you are able, with all needed things easily reached.
I am 78. I recognize that falls now mean that something is more like to break than not. With that recognition the way I move in the world is different, always using bannisters, not carrying things down stairs, no more ladders, and etc. BUT....things do eventually come to this place.
I hope others have better ideas for you to try.