Unitetogether Asked September 2020
No more sex ever for me??
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My husband who is 60 is bedridden and I am his "caregiver". I haven't had sex for 3 years now and it's really bothering me. He doesn't even bring the topic up, try to kiss me, (he could if he wanted), no holding hands, never wants to snuggle (I have asked), nothing. He is okay with it. I'm not. I want more than just kisses and snuggling however don't even get that. What is the healthy spouse to do? Sad, thinking I will never be loved in that way by a man again. I would love to hug a man, kiss, and you know.. I can't be the only one out there in the same situation. .
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It was hard for me to accept celibacy in the beginning, but once I got over my resentment and accepted it, it became a lot easier.
Best of luck to you.
Ah well, another day ahead!!
I think it's a slippery slope. What if you had a friend with benefits and suddenly it became more than a friendship? It's happened. They write books and do movies about it all the time. I know this is an old thread but if the OP is still reading I would suggest counseling and if this is something you feel you really can't live with end the marriage but don't go outside the marriage for gratification. Just my opinion.
I was never asked to meet anyone here for adult activities..
No problem, Lol
Thank you!
It could very well be that your husband no longer sees himself as a man because of his condition. Very likely he's sad and depressed because he may think you no longer see him as a man and a husband. It's hard for a man who isn't elderly to have his wife do things like wipe his a**, empty a bedpan, give a bed bath, or change a diaper. So, he's turned off all affection towards you and that's his defense mechanism for coping with the situation you are both in. Is it possible for you to bring in some outside hired caregivers to help with some of the hands-on care? Your husband's lack of affection towards you would probably improve if someone else was taking care of some of it.
The two of you could benefit greatly from on-line couples' sex therapy. I'm not saying this to be funny because it's a real thing. Many couples in your situation who have a disabled partner are still able to enjoy a sexual relationship by learning different ways to have one.
Maybe your husband will be open minded to trying therapy.
If he is not, then you should not suffer. You could discreetly take a lover without your husband ever having to know. There's no need to hurt someone's feelings. Good luck to you both.
I know some people don't like this subject. We should be able to talk about anything here going through what we go through, as long as it's respectful .
I write from the perspective of the patient who has a little different opinion than many on this subject. I was diagnosed with Early Onset ALZ coming up on 5 yrs ago. I stopped driving 11 mos ago. I am 61, my DW is 53. I've made it clear to her that when I am institutionalized and no longer able to be a companion, husband, and lover, go on and find another man you are interested in dating and developing a relationship with. I want her to enjoy her best years with someone that is able to engage her intellectually, enjoy traveling like we have, be a good companion and enjoy life.
I have told our adult children, when mom decides she wants company with another man, let her do so without giving her any grief. Let her build a new life with someone else that is as great as our life was before, I was place in LTC.
We've done all that needs to be done securing her financial needs. We've done all we need to do with most of the legal affairs, we expect them to be tidied up in the next 6 mos or so. I sleep well knowing we've talked things over and taken action to put everything we've acquired in a Trust in her name, paid off the house, have almost no debt, and she is financially secure.
I know I've moved on down the line in terms of my status with ALZ, I'm having another Neuro-Psych Exam in a couple of weeks, to define where I am at. We've practiced our faith together since we started dating and I wouldn't change a thing. I wish you the best Unitetogether. Don't be afraid to look out for your happiness when you are ready to.
God Bless you.
What do you want to do?
Don't hesitate to trust yourself. Leaving a dysfunctional relationship takes a lot of courage. Also, time is precious. It's going to take time to extricate yourself from your current situation and then start building the life *you* want for yourself.
How many people do you know personally who have divorced over something not half as difficult as what we are going through? They took vows, too. Did everyone condemn them? No, because that would be "judging". But when we are caregivers, there is an entirely different standard.
No, I haven't had an affair or any other sort of relationship outside of my marriage. Don't plan to. But I'm just a little tired of the standards that caregivers are held to, while the rest of the world goes out and does pretty much anything they want.
Wow!!! Some men at an older age have lots of desire!
Please remember that I am just thinking out loud and being funny. I am not comparing it to the OP’s situation.
There is humor in a lot of situations. Sometimes a person either laughs or cries or both.
I do feel that they were an interesting couple. Many assumed she just wanted money but she is nothing like Anna Nicole Smith. She and Tony had acting in theaters in common. She has used the inheritance to support the theater.
She had an open mind and accepted love from an older man. They had certain generational differences. She liked rock. He liked the opera. But they seemed to adore one another. She hasn’t remarried. Who knows how love will show up in people’s lives?
She didn’t have ‘daddy’ issues or was a gold digger. He saw an opportunity and obviously went for it. He did not have children with his first wife and wanted that. He appeared to be madly in love with her and his children.
Stephen Hawking had a strong interest in sex! Indeed, he had a brilliant mind but his ‘needs’ and appetite for sex were most definitely there in spite of his many physical issues.
He had an extremely strong will. He lived so much longer than the doctors predicted. He had two wives and later a girlfriend.
I remember his first wife found it very labor intensive to have sex with him. He fathered children. He was an amazing man in many ways. Nothing stopped him from living his life. He had a wicked sense of humor.
His wife had an affair so she could be loved physically like she desired. Ahhhh, life can become complicated.
So, this is a highly individual matter. Some such as Hawking don’t lose desire until the very end.
Others who are capable physically are just not interested.
I could write a journal on how he became bedridden. No time for that being a "caregiver". lol He doesn't have control of his legs anymore, and is able to make his own decisions. I like someone said (I forgot who) said "for better or nurse".. I'm doing okay.
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I would like to send you a message. If you are ok with it, can you send me a private message with contact info? Thank you so much.
Years ago people stayed in rotten marriages because it simply wasn’t acceptable to divorce but even then people made their own personal changes in the relationship. For instance my husband’s grandmother was a mean woman.
There isn’t any other way to describe her. If her husband tried to show any affection she would shun him. I saw this many times over the years.
He would try to put his arm around her and she would slap it off. If he went to kiss her she turned her head and he got a cold cheek.
So, naturally he finally gave up. They slept in separate bedrooms for decades. In other words, they lived together separately. He died a broken man which broke my heart because he was so sweet.
Everyone loved him. No one thought much of her. All she did was demoralize him in front of everyone. She criticized everyone. She had no friends. He had many friends.
My mother in law took after her dad. She was kind. She was an only child. The joke was that her mom came home from a party tipsy and that is how their daughter was conceived.
My mother in law would cry in her room as a child wishing they would get a divorce so her father could be happy. As an adult she prayed that her mom would die first so he could live happily for a few years. He died first.
He worked until his late 70’s to escape her cruelty. He took the streetcar to his office every single day. My mother in law was devastated.
Fortunately, they had plenty of money. She refused to leave her big house uptown so they hired two live in caregivers. God bless those caregivers! They were angels to put up with her crap.
She still had her housekeeper coming three days a week that were ordered to polish the silver and wash the crystal every week! She was a hateful woman.
Thank God. nowadays couples go to counseling and sometimes they are able to reconcile. If not they can divorce and end the misery. It is acceptable to divorce without the stigma it once held.
Same with the OP’s case. Some people see it as an evolutionary change in our society. Others cannot wrap their heads around it and therefore choose not to accept a person wanting a possible relationship with another person to feel the human touch again. To each his/her own.
I often think of John Lennon’s song, Imagine. Some think he was an atheist because of the lines,
Imagine there’s no heaven
It’s easy if you try
No hell below us
Above us only sky
Imagine all the people living for today
He wasn’t an atheist. He was spiritual, just not in a traditional sense. He was a searcher, a deep thinker, a philosopher of sorts. He was being honest about his feelings and simply asking the world to Imagine along with him. He didn’t like that religion was being used to hurt and control others.
I admire John Lennon also. Good man. He didn't like what religion was doing, controlling. But was spiritual . Your husbands grandfather should have got OUT of that unhealthy marriage I feel. I know, times were different, but damm.. A good guy that gets treated like S. How life can be.
It’s good to hear various sides of an issue. We can read these posts with an objective view. Not everything is meant as a personal attack on someone’s character.
This sort of thing happens in group therapy but there is a leader monitoring what and how something is said which helps. It can get sticky without a person in charge leading the group.
There will always be different opinions which is actually helpful. We can learn from each other. We see what will or will not work in our situation.
These discussions can become controversial but we can still have respect for one another’s opinions, regardless if we don’t all agree on how it should be handled.
If lines are inadvertently crossed in a conversation we have the opportunity to apologize and move on. You haven’t crossed any lines where an apology is in order. Anyone that is offended after an apology is made has a responsibility to move forward as well.
For the record I can see how you came to this conclusion. Our personal experiences contribute in the process of forming our thoughts on particular subjects.
I am sure you have seen answers from both sides of the fence. Some say..Suck it up kid, this is the way it is going to be if you are going to honor your vows....
Some say...you are young there is nothing wrong in finding someone to fulfill the wants, needs, desires that you (we all want and need)..
So with all this advice you are firmly sitting on the edge of the fence. Teeter one way and one camp is going to find fault, teeter the other way and the other camp will find fault.
As you can see this is a no win situation for everyone but you.
You do what you feel is right for you at the time. Do not let anyone else make you feel guilty and for that reason I suggest that you discuss this with no one (other than your doctor) No one can "make" you feel guilty that is an emotion that comes from within.