Both of my elderly parents have health issues including COPD, possible cancer, suppressed immune system, and onset symptoms of dementia. I have siblings out of state and one is medical and financial POA, or she is supposed to be but my mother recently stated the paperwork is not yet finished. I have no access to anything and my sibling will not share information. I am physically closest to my parents so responsibilities will be mine. I work a lot of hours with back to back patients so time off is very limited. My parents insist my one sibling be the POA because she is the oldest. However, she works a lot, does not have much income and will not be here when my parents need her. My siblings are not cooperative with me. (I am family scapegoat, if you know what that is.) I am feeling pretty helpless and overwhelmed. Parents will not discuss and not open to any changes. I understand boundaries but at the end of the day, I will be the one here and they have no one else to help them. Suggestions?
Although you need the services of a lawyer, you may not be able to pay for one without POA.
Doctors MAY not be able to legally communicate with anyone but a POA when your parents need care.
Ultimately your sibs will be forced by legal reality to decide what THEY will do or want done regarding your parents’ care, but unfortunately until all the sibs are aware of legal circumstances, you’re all at an impasse.
When facility placement became imminent was when I found out that my mother had removed me as POA (she did it behind my back, arranging it all for when I was out of town and one of my brothers was there. He later said he didn't know why he took her to the attorney. ?) At one point, I insisted that she would have to move to be near one of the POA brothers. That didn't end up happening, though. Only one of my brothers really acted as POA, and he and I worked well together (this was not the brother who'd brought her to the attorney to change the POA behind my back). No one really wanted to move her to another state.
My mother removed me as a POA because she thought I would "steal" her assets. (This was because I had asked her if certain accounts, assets, etc. were all in the trust, because I wanted to know for when the time came that she was incompetent.)
My POA brother paid me by the hour ($20/hour) for the time I spent with my mother, and even agreed to backpay for the previous two years. The POA paperwork said no payment to the POA, so I ended up having the last laugh! I'd asked my mother for compensation at one point and she huffed to me that, "You don't pay family!" No taxes were taken out; it was a "gift" to me for all I'd done. (Medicaid was never going to be a possibility.)
(And if she'd treated me better and not insisted that my time was worth nothing, that I "owed" her, etc., I might not have asked for compensation.)
If a parent doesn't want a certain child as POA, it's really a slap in the face. They don't consider you good enough to handle decisions for them.
I'm so sorry for the situation your family has placed you in. It sucks. It sounds as though all you can do is work on shedding your sense of responsibility for people who simply, adamantly, will not allow you to fulfil it.
Correction, though: they DO have someone else to help them. They have the child they have chosen to exercise power of attorney for them. The fact that she is nowhere to be seen don't alter that fact, nor the fact that she has been given the authority to act, and that this is therefore entirely her problem to solve.
So EVERY time a cry for help or a bleat of distress comes your way - you pass it on to the correct recipient. Every time. Start practising, I should.
It would also be wise to inform yourself about local services, facilities and other resources for older people in poor health. That way, when POA (or parent, or other family member) calls you saying "can you just..." you will be able to refer them to the transport, personal care, grocery delivery, prescription collection or whatever service it is that's required.
Even if your parents do change their mind and decide they would like to give you POA, if I were you I'd chuckle internally and say "not on your nelly." If you've been the scapegoat up 'til now, you should be able to spot when you're being set up to fail *dramatically.* Don't touch it with a stick.
I researched on my own and found that I can record my documents with the Court here in the state we live AND they are still legal just as if I were living back home.
Does your state require the POA to be recorded? Was it prepared with an attorney? Does it follow the laws/regulations set by the Secretary of State? YES, these changes by State Law. My 1 sibling took advantage of Mom's Alzheimers and had Mom change a few of her legal documents which only had my name as sole participant etc. The Notary laws changed July 2011 and the documents my sister had Mom change were done 5-6 months after. The notary did not do all that was required by the state. Score 1 for me.
Now I have step whatever who are going to get a big surprise because I have #1 committing fraud 6 ways to Sunday.
Your sister's POA may mean nothing. If you can get a copy or a letter when or if your parents suffer from ANY MENTAL condition that would keep them from being able to sign legal binding documents, this may be your ACE. If they have Alzheimer's and they were diagnosed prior to signing the POA, it would become invalid.
Taking a stand to protect yourself is a very difficult choice and action, well done. Now the really challenging part begins, you can do it. You can say no responsibility, no help without authority. Not promised paperwork, emailed proof that you have been assigned POA, if you want it. From all you have shared, I would counsel you to avoid accepting Any responsibility or authority.
Sometimes we have to love people long distance for our own wellbeing.
Great big warm hug! Surround yourself with people that help you grow and thrive, blood makes us related, love makes us family. Create the loving family you desire.
Your parents will be OK. Your siblings will be forced to do what needs to be done. Think about it, what would your life be like if you were the only one caring for your parents. Would they criticize and verbally abuse you? NO ONE deserves that. I bet you have been for years trying to get their "attention" and no one listens. Trying to figure out what u have done to deserve this. Thinking if I do this they will love me for it. Maybe you come from a family that can't love. Just take. You are not the odd one out. You are the normal one in a dysfunctional family and you need to save yourself.
I was an only child when my Mom remarried and had 3 more children. I was adopted at 2 by my Dad. I have always wondered if I had never been born what my brothers would have done concerning Mom. Because I really think they thought, JoAnn is there. That could be taken as a compliment. I think they trusted me to make the right decisions just wish they had been there more for Mom. I had POA.
You have taken the first step, which is the hardest. Set up those Boundries. Change your phone #. Do what you need to do to take care of you. There other children are going to have to step up to the plate.
Start with anything involving money. That includes all purchases as well as bill payments. You can give your mother details of how to buy her groceries online, but say that you won’t do it without legal authority to spend her money.
The next step is medical. What is the point of you taking mother to doctor’s appointments if you have no ability to use the information that the doctor provides? Repeating it to a sibling is a waste of your time, and what they think they hear is not likely to be as accurate.
There will still be some things that you can do with and for your mother, like going out to lunch (if you pay or she pays cash). But your siblings will end up with closer involvement and more work to do.
At present you are being asked to be responsible but with no power. It never works, and never has worked. Just stop, and let the others decide how to deal with the situation. Yes you are helpless and overwhelmed. It doesn’t work for you, and it doesn’t work efficiently for mother. Let them find another scapegoat!
PS....let your POA sister hire people to be caregivers.....do not do this to yourself, you deserve your own life!!! Then you can visit as their daughter...
I will be googling FOG! I do have a therapist thank God but it has been difficult to accept the reality of my situation and there is the fear, obligation, and guilt. I did inform my parents this morning that I will no longer be involved at any level and am in fact separating from my family since they are not willing to hear my concerns and nothing changes. It is years of unhealthy family patterns - it is time. Thanks for your response and support.
I am a firm believer, from personal h@ll, no responsibility without authority.
They respond to your request that they will get someone else to help them. Put up or shut up. This is manipulation and the implied threat that they will cut you out.
I say back off and let them see the reality without you propping them up. Hard as that is, it is nothing compared to fighting the hospital that wants to let them die and you have no authority to change the DNR that was put in the chart, that is when things become hard.
Sorry if I sound harsh, but I have personally been through this kind of bs with a parent and I would walk away without authority. They don't have any paperwork in place, not finished means nonexistent when it is needed.
Call their bluff and let them see the reality of their bad choices.
Do they have Living Revocable Trusts?
Do you currently live in their home?
My own mother always alluded that she had a living trust, but in the end there wasn’t even a will. My father passed 30 days before my mom, and we ended up in Probate.
Probate attorney put me in charge of liquidating all assets. House, stocks etc., what a stressful time. Until people go through stuff like this they don’t realize how important planning for the unexpected really is.
I don't know what they have. I am not privvy to the information. My sister has discussed with them I guess but this information isn't shared with me. I do not live in their home.
I made a decision to step away from my family, it is deeper than just this. Thank you for your response.