My mother is 86 years old and my 4 siblings and I have been through many unfortunate times. She was a very demanding mother all of our lives. This past year she moved from living near me (10 years) to live with my sister & her husband. She was there for two months and complained constantly about everything and everyone. That ended badly with a terrible argument and she moved to another state to live with one of my brothers / family. Two months passed before they argued and she moved into assisted living. She stayed there for approx. 6 months and then without notice, moved back closer to me. She has said many ugly things about all of us and has used any and all kind things she has ever done for us as leverage to guilt us. We are “the most uncaring people.” I have never had an argument, spoke with disrespect or been abusive to my mother at all. That is not who I am. She does not believe that any of what has occurred over this past year has been her fault. We are supposed to “honor and obey” her because she gave birth to us. My life is not easy as I have a daughter who is ill and a sister nearby who is an alcoholic. I guess I would like to hear how anyone else deals with this type of mother/parent?? She is old, no dementia, no health issues....she does not take meds for anything!
Mom's very fortunate to be in such good health, but 2 bad about her personality issues. Please don't let her move in with u, (just help her out in whatever ways u can manage.) It could be a long road ahead for you all...so pace urself!
The honor thing: all this means is some respect for their opinions - it is not necessary to agree or to follow their advice. And being their doormat is NOT honoring them.
She took my health with the stress she caused, but it would have been much worse if she lived with us. I had adult children with real issues and disabilities. I also had a full time job, although I had to retire early because of the health issues. Stress kills and causes horrible diseases.
My mother was like yours at the start of her decline. It was dementia, and even her favorite doctor did not catch it at the start. Do not let your mother live with you. The meanness will only get worse and eat away at you. Limit your time with her, and definitely tell her you are out of town regularly. It is not easy even if she is in AL, but at least you can still have a life.
Ultimately you cannot make another person be happy. Although I had relatives and others who bought into her nasty fantasies, there were also friends of hers and mine who actually understood. One was a retired nurse and stuck it out until the end, a true angel.
The point to my saga is not to get in too deep. It is not easily undone, and can be very costly in more than just monetary ways. At least tell her sometimes that you are going out of town for a few days. She will never know.
I have sister and her husband here that have worked in aged care for over 40 years and they know how to manipulate our mother to their advantage and had tried to have Mum put away years ago.
They have lied to her again recently and I called them out for their deceipt but they are still the Golden Haired Children.
Like your Mum she guilt trips us and we cant even have a day out without being made to feel like we are neglecting her.
She is vindictive to all my other siblings except my sister her and her husband.
My hubby lost his mother when he was 3 and was brought up by his grandparents and it breaks his heart to see me being treated like this.
Hubby and I have always been the ones to do the physical work for her on her home whilst my brother in law does nothing but again she thinks they are just the bees knees as they patronise her, crawl after her and slather the attention on her which they know she thrives on.
So your Mum is like our mother. Old on basic medications but doesnt have dementia?
They seem to have the attitude that "I am the mother/father so I can behave like I want"
Well respect is earnt.
Have you tried staying away from her for a few days like I have been suggested too my hubby and my friends. ( I have no support from my siblings whatseover as they are all away living the dream and very rarely come home to see her)
I found by staying away and stopping taking meals around my mother just gets nastier and nastier.
It seems to be a no win situation and we feel these three have ruined our lives.
We are the ones being villified when we have done nothing but support her, care for her and been there in her darkest days.
I have never been abusive toward my mother either nor been disrespectful and I think that our Mothers are both typical Narcissists (no offence).
My hubby has mentioned the wrong doings of my sister and her hubby (he is not one to interfere) and she has told me Quote. "W*&^^( is a bloody F .... liar).
This has hurt us both very deeply as he has always looked upon my mother as his own mother but now he has lost all respect for her. He too is heartbroken.
It is an extremely difficult situation to deal with to say the least as the more you stay away the nastier they get.
You (like my hubby and I) have no right to be treated like this.
I know for a fact my sister and her hubby have always had a hidden agenda with our mother as they are very money orientated.
I am at the stage where I am ready to say to Mum "You can take me out as Power of Gaurdianship and everything else, let these other two evil money driven people take over but Mum you need to ask yourself why your son in laws brother took him to court to claim half of their fathers estate that he was entitled too."
If anyone has any advice please throw it at us.
I am so depressed and broken but I try to keep focused for the sake of my beautiful hubby and our only son of 22 and his gorgeous partner. At our wits end.
I'm so sorry for your situation! Now here's some truth you mother might not appreciate..... You are in NO way responsible for being born! Her attitude is toxic and it's by choice--- attitude is a choice! You are not required to do anything for her, especially if she's toxic! I think you know she's not going to change, so distance yourself from her! If she asks why, tell her the truth--- she's a toxic person and you don't allow toxic people around you! Simple! When she tries to guilt you or shame you, tell her not to contact you anymore! If it was anyone else, that's what you'd do, right? She's given you a lifetime of grief.... Enough is enough! You deserve better! Just my thoughts about it!
Life if short!
you could announce that you will not tolerate whatever behavior she is exhibiting...then cut her off if she continues.
eventually she will decide to either modify her behavior or be alone. Maybe decide to move back to that assisted living.
Set your boundary, announce it, and then enforce it.
I have a very difficult son. I love him, but I sure don’t like him very much. When he exhibits behavior that I won’t tolerate, I block him from my life. It’s a shame, but it’s what has to be done, for my sanity.
Same thing with your Mother. Stop visiting. Let her calls go to voice mail. I know it’s a hard habit to break, so try it for just 3 days. No contact whatsoever. Then see how she is. She’ll probably be the same, so this time, try it for 5 days, or maybe a full week. You’ll see that manages to make it somehow, without you to kick around.
Stay strong. Remember she can only be mean and cruel to you because you are there to see or hear it.
Do not engage when she replies with something to deflect - a good response is 'that may be, however '...and return to your original conversation. Don't raise your voice, stay calm. It takes two people to argue and if you do not participate with the rehashing of old info/barbs from her, you may make some headway
Keep in mind that hers is a learned and go-to behavior that has worked for her for many years. You may never resolve it entirely, but you may be able to modify it somewhat.
I will pray for you.
When my mother gets off on a tirade, I tell her "I'm hanging up now mom and I will speak to you another time when you're in a better mood." When I go visit her in Memory Care and she starts going berserk with whatever is bothering her at the moment, 90% of the time I'll tell her I'm leaving and will be back when she's in a better mood. The other 10% of the time I sit there and try to talk her off the ledge, which never works. We wind up arguing, I wind up yelling, leaving, feeling badly, and the whole cycle amps up again where I'm the Bad Guy and she's the Innocent Victim. See the pattern? No matter that SHE is the one who instigated the whole mess, the goal is to be the Eternal Victim and when I get arguing with her, she's winning. And I'm losing.
So now my husband has developed a Code Word to use when things start going downhill. He speaks the Code Word & I immediately shut up. I've almost bitten my tongue OFF in the process but hey, it stops the feud mid stream.
Sigh. It truly is a giant MESS what goes on with these women, isn't it? Nothing is ever their fault, either, God forbid. There has to be SOME poor slob to blame things on so for now, I guess, you're it.
Take care of you, please. Just b/c your mother got pregnant one night does not mean you 'owe' her honor or obedience. Respect is earned, as well, and not something automatically given to people who choose to treat us badly.
Best of luck.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-Men!
For those who tell us that we *must* honor and cherish this woman who gave birth to us (or a dad who provided for us) most likely haven't experienced anything like this. Perhaps you felt they were a little harsh with you now and then, and got over it, but cases like this are NOT the same. When it is all the time and goes back even into childhood, these people are toxic and we should not let them take us down in the process. Why should anyone honor or respect another person, no matter who it is, if they treat you like dirt? Turn the other cheek, or forgive perhaps, but we should not lay down and let ANYONE walk all over us!
To OP - Keep your distance as best you can. Make yourself unavailable. If/when she starts treating you bad/smack-talking you or anyone else, hang up the phone or walk away if you are there. I probably wouldn't even allow her IN my house, never mind let her live there, but by not allowing her in, you can shut her out. If you meet with her, make it at her home or somewhere else, then you have the option to leave. If she has some kind of medical emergency, certainly you can be there to help out or take care of something for her, but again, if she still behaves like that, walk away.
My father has finally, after 30 years divorced, admitted to me that she is just like her mother whom he always knew was extremely controlling and negative, as was the MIL's sister. They wouldn't ask -- they'd demand and control.
I am full time caregiver. There is no money for anything else. My siblings have left, 10 years ago, as did the step kids. We live in the family home in a rural area. She bragged about having money when in truth she had little. I have scrambled to make ends meet as I cannot work outside the home because she cannot be left alone. She seriously dislikes anyone coming and seeing her less than perfect self and home then claims to feel so very guilty when I do everything.
If she doesn't get her way, whatever it may be (no one seems to know), she feigns helplessness, weakness, sickness, whatever even to going to bed in her victim act but not overtly, rather covertly.
We are in the 2nd round of power outages and she's having a fit, seething in pity behind her mask of perfection and denial. From what I've observed these past 10 years being here (her husband passed 9 years ago) there is a small percentage of her 'cantankerousness' which is anxieties (and recently diagnosed bipolar) but the rest is just plain cantankerous, aka bitter proud self pity. Her family system is best explained as 'cluster B codependency', including many traits of narcissism, histrionic, and borderline, from an extremely religious perfectionist ('thou shalt not sin') grandfather and an alcoholic disordered (dual diagnosis) grandmother.
She used email for years crabbing about everything now has no outlet as she cannot use computer. She crabbed decades ago, I saw the letters she would type to her mother and cousins. Their whole family is disordered.
I try to keep to myself as much as I can as I am a positive person. The house is set up with an apartment upstairs (my area) and the main floor downstairs, her area. I can hear her moving about and when she's mad, bellowing (no other word for it)...the pity tripping guilt tripping controlling words, same ones, over and over. I have seen her this way for many years, before I moved in.
I have worked with her doctors for 6 years to get her meds right (she would not admit to anxieties yet that was the problem; her doctor would not listen to me, as I knew the problem/have know the problem for decades, and kept prescribing hypertension pills which caused serious side effects). When local healthcare proved itself horrific, I moved her care to the next town (healthcare there is excellent). Her health is fine, a few glitches but nothing extraordinary. But her anxieties and hypochondria (which she uses as a weapon and always has, learned it from her aunts and mother), drives everyone who cares for her nuts (when she was in hospital the nurses called me to get info as they didn't get it, until I said 'hypochondria' and light bulbs went on rapidly).
I don't know how to deal with it except by being direct, and using common sense and logic. Of course it doesn't fly with her, but it what I have. I am having to balance things, and be myself, so to care for myself, otherwise I will become the battered woman I was for years until I broke free and moved far away. I came back because of the family without realizing just how bad it had become.
If there is a miracle, I'd love to know about it.
Ignore Her.
She was in a very good mood for about a week, to the point where I thought she'd been abducted by aliens. And today, back to her old games. Sunday is her trigger day to behave outrageously. Sunday is a day for family, and her family has abandoned her! (My fault). My brother lives nearby and really limits his time with her, but she says he does so much! He'll fetch her mail and drive her to the grocery and church. That's it. When I go, I have to clean her entire home, plus do outdoor gardening. I asked last time why doesn't he lift a finger towards that? Oh, that's a girl's job! A friend who listened to my whole horrible weekend story said she's really toxic and living still in the 1950's. Yep.
So I called her today, after talking to her a few times yesterday. She was ok then. Not answering phone now, so she's pouting. I called 7 times, and I'm done. I blocked her number on my phone, and going about my business.
I am supposed to go there for the entire week of Thanksgiving, but that's looking doubtful. She actually wants me to go there before Thanksgiving as she needs stuff done. Honestly, get yourself a part time person to help out, like your friends have done. But she won't do that - I owe her.
I think as the narcissist gets older, they do not hide their inner thoughts as much. She's made statements such as when my dad passed (I was 13) that I didn't pay enough attention to her feelings. Friends have said weren't you dealing with your own grief as a child? But 13 is not a child to her. Nope, I was an adult. I needed to get at least a part time job and see to my clothing and food - not her. That pretty much confirmed to me that I was always a burden to her.
Her mother's golden child was her son; same with my mom. I think my mom only wanted son, a son who was better than her own brother so she could outdo her mother in some warped way. She's said she liked dressing me up when I was little, sure, like a doll. When I started being an actual person who didn't do as she said or liked other things, all bets were off. Then she said well I always brag about you to my friends. Sure you do. You consider it to be your achievement, nothing I did. It's a reflection on how great you are. She saves her tirades for me in private, never in public. She's the sunny, cheerful person in public, most of the time. She's let her mask slide a few times, and her friends were scared of and for her. I wanted to say, this is the real her guys.
I like the idea of a code word. Last visit, she wanted to have a conversation, which I should have known was just her yelling at me, revisiting every wrong ever done to her (real or imagined). I talked and then she went off even more. I needed a code word - maybe Sunday - to tell myself - shut up, bite your tongue, let her rant. I finally did and it was like she somehow found an equilibrium again by letting out all of her venom at me; she now says I tore into her. I did lay out some truths, and no unlike she says, I know I'm far from perfect. I think protecting yourself is #1, however you can reach that - insulate yourself and realize you're not the problem.
When I politely asked my mother "Whats all this about me abusing you and causing trouble" She sat there straight faced and without blinking said.
"I dont know what you are talking about" So we sat down and tried to talk to her rationally and stood our ground on the fact that she had been so nasty for so long for no reason.
An absolute waste of time
Hubby said to her "So why did you hang up on H on more than one occcasion." Why was your phone dialling out and then all of a sudden it was busy" Why did you tell her to shut up in front of the Dr on more than one occasion, Why this why that? and the list goes on.
With ever fact she sat there bare faced and denied everything and claimed that "We must be proud of ourselves coming around and attacking a 90 year old woman"
Was never the case at all.
She then screamed at me when I was talking to my sister in law about the lies my second sister had told mum about her care package and told me "Shutup H". Which she had previously denied.
The lies that spewed from her mouth and the sheer look of hatred in her eyes literally burnt me to the soul and I think that what cut me more than the lies themselves.
I have made the decision to cut all ties and have been an emotioanal mess for a long time but now I am just in shock but my biggest concern is what she is going to tell our son (he adores her as she puts the charm on when he and his partner visit) and my older brother whom I am very close with but he is 2,000 miles away.
We are in touch everyday and he wants nothing of mums when she leaves this earth and neither do I.
Hubby suggested I take my name of her carers list and leave all the responsibility to my sister and her hubby who have had a hidden agenda for a long long time. They tried to have her put away years ago as "They wanted their life back" but my mother thinks they can do no wrong.
Short of myself and my brother and youngest sister the other 3 siblings are very money orientated so they will side with Mum no matter what so they are not left out of the will.
That is something that we do not care about whatsoever but again our concern is our son.
It will break him and I havent told him about all this yet as it is his only grandparent.
I dont know how to go about cutting ties without hurting our son.
Good Luck.
💜❤️💙🧡