My mother is going to outlive her money this year. She will have to leave her private-pay AL facility. Should I bring her home?
We have failed twice before having my 94 Y.O. mother live with us. Bickering and fighting reached a point where I had to get her out or lose my marriage. Her AL move was traumatic but it worked out. Then her AL facility closed. We had to move her to the last AL open in our area. They are private pay only. Once again, she will have to move. Most likely in December. The only two choices are nursing homes.
My difficulty is we still have the same house and could move her here. She no longer walks, is forgetful, self centered and demanding. She has IBS and occasionally needs a full diaper clean-up. She will not bathe in a shower instead washing in the sink. Additionally, she is perpetually cold needing the temperature set around 80 to be comfortable. I think taking her on would be 24 x 7, and likely result in serious difficulty in my marriage.
Am I a bad son if I don't want to do this? Should I feel guilty about applying for Medicaid to place her in a nursing facility? Do her handicaps even qualify her for nursing care? Should I expect the State to do this for me even though I am capable but older (72)? This has really got me.
I need your help.
Your mother is currently in a facility. Why would you feel guilty about moving her into another facility? I would have thought the guilt would have come with the initial move. My mother passed in December. I kept her at home for 7 years then her Alz. became to difficult to manage. She was in a assisted living facility for almost 4 years. After a stroke I had to move there to a nursing home as she could no longer transfer. I considered bringing her home but knew I would need in home care almost around the clock. I found the care that she received in the nursing home was much better than the assisted living facility. She was cleaner and had more attention when she was eating. Just because she is not living with you does not mean you will not be caring for her. Give the nursing home a try. If you do not like it or have guilt bring her home. I realize this is very difficult.
When I realized she had dementia, I took her (fighting all the way) to see a geriatrician who suggested medication that was a mix of nemenda and zolft. She said it would mellow Mom out and she was 100% right. We've titrated the mix up and down as new situations arose. We had to take away and sell her car, move her from her home to a number of facilities on the opposite coast, get her to see other doctors, wear diapers and now sleep in a hospital bed with railings in our home. She uses a walker (when I'm around). She is a pleasant and grateful as any human could possibly be. She is kind, sweet, funny as hell and a joy to be with. Without meds, she is impossible.
If you are struggling with an uncooperative parent, consider looking for and getting appropriate medication for your parent. Their nervous systems are worn out and they need medical support to be their best selves.
Let us know how you're doing!
a nice mix of being codependent and empathetic. One's good -- the
other not so good.
I feel as if a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I have medical and financial POA, which drove my brother and SIL crazy. He is a lousy money manager, always working on our mom to get whatever he could out of her. She was his personal cash cow, which I quickly put a stop to with the POA. This past year her short term memory has become severly compromised, so now he doesn't feel the need to visit her.
Anyway, I believe it will work out good for you and your mother this way. Please keep us posted on the ongoing process and outcome.
For the record, my mom is 95 in Memory Care in a Medicaid facility -- we spent 3 years taking care of her up to now. She really is remarkable, my dear mother, but it's time for me and my husband to have a life, too. Really, there's no one but me to take care of her at all -- and my marvelous husband, who hardly ever complains and helps guide me gently through this emotional roller coaster.
Alzheimer's is the worst. Sometimes, it feels like I'm going into a bad movie with zombies when we go there. The staff is really good, cannot imagine doing this work day to day.
We take cocoa and a soft sweet for her -- and a mechanical cat for her to pet. She can still play one game of cards, with coaching. We can't leave anything there, as someone will come by and take it. . .. .
At first, when she got there, it wasn't too bad because she thought she was on staff there, that she was back in Florida, and that we were just visiting. But, she has figured out she is not on staff - and after we took her home for a visit a couple times, she figured out we are close by. So now, every time, she begs us to take her home with us. That's when it gets SO DIFFICULT. Of course, you can't reason with her, but I run out of things to say, other than, not today. It's not safe. . . .. But, she says, she'd just sit on the couch, she says, no trouble -- but that's not how it is. We don't have a bathroom that she can use on the first floor, she's not safe down there by herself. I still work full time, and then there's the fact that she is incontinent to boot and needs help doing everything. At night, she wanders around and will fall, I'm sure.
The thing is, it is hard to avoid the guilty feelings, and it's just so hard to admit to myself that I cannot do it.
Thank you for letting me know that it is OK for me to say, I can do only so much -- I must take care of myself and my husband, so we can enjoy our old age as long as our health is fairly good.
Assisted living facilities tend to be very pricey. Adding a bedroom with bathroom to the house and paying for a home caregiver could have ended up being cheaper while giving your mom a place to bathe and turn up the heat, but it's a little too late for that now that all her money is gone.
What exactly was your mom arguing with you about? Being cold? Needing someone to help her if she had an accident? Or something else?
Do this first. Whatever it takes. This is the only way you will be available to support your dad however you can. Tell yourself it is okay to do this; tell yourself you deserve to have a life. If you do not do what is in your best interest first - to be whole, you will not be any good to your dad. This is not selfish; it is self-care.
Your mom live with you would be HOW DO YOU GET ANY SLEEP??at night I amThankful that most of the time my aunt sleeps really good but sometimes she wakes up screaming bloody murder and I can not calm her and I have caught her trying to get outside. I am just telling you this so you think about every aspect .There are times that I wonder what Im thinking doing this its not easy. If it was hard when she was younger it will be worse now!!not trying to scare you but want you to stop and think about this .....Nurseing homes are good they do their best ....
Many years ago, I stayed with my grandmother one weekend so that my parents could get a break from her caregiving. She wore. me. out! (and I was a young lady in my 20's at that time)! She had very mild dementia which usually caused issues whenever she would first wake up. Once awake, she was pretty cognizant of her situation and surroundings.
She lived in a small trailer. Her bedroom was at one end and the living room was on the other end. I slept on the couch. All night long, she screamed bloody murder almost every hour, like clockwork. She'd scream that she needed to get to the potty chair (she wore depends and she usually needed cleaning up).
Every time she screamed, I'd think she had fallen and I would jump out of my skin. Then she'd holler that she could not lie down any longer and needed to sit up in her chair, which was a long, arduous process of getting her down the hallway to the living room. Once she got situated in her chair with blankets and all and I got back on the couch, about to doze off, she'd yell that she needed to lie back down. And the cycle would start over again. This went on all night for 3 nights. Many, many adult diaper changes in between. At one point she screamed around midnight and I ran to see what was the problem. She wanted to know if I had her breakfast ready. We argued and I had to open the blinds and show her it was dark outside and show her the clock.
My parents tolerated this behavior for several years. She talked down to my mom and always complained that she wasn't doing enough, although my mom did EVERYTHING for her. It aged my parents. My granny had multiple falls and hospitalizations and finally my mom left her in the SNF after her last illness and rehab because she was far too weak to get up and down off a potty chair or bed and my parents could not lift her.
I take care of my mother who is 93 and she still lives in her own home, but needs plenty of help. It is NOT easy. When I can no longer care for her deteriorating condition because my own health won’t allow me to, it will be time for a NH. No way I can do any more than what I do now. It is exhausting. I need to be her daughter again and not her indentured servant.
You've expressed that your mom wants to move in with you, and you feel distressed by her desire because that is just not feasible.
She has apparently reached a point where her judgement is impaired. If she unreasonably wanted to do some other foolish thing--say she started drinking a gallon of whiskey every day--would you feel bad about refusing to get it for her? This situation is about the same. While you can rightly feel sad that she's unhappy with your decision, you shouldn't feel bad about making the best choices you can for her and sticking with it.
I'll bet she denied you some harmful stuff you wanted when you were a tot; now it's time for you to return the favor. You can tell her that or not, but you should accept it for sure.
Nor should you feel bad about applying to Medicaid. As a taxpayer you have contributed to that program and your mother has used up her money for her care - no financial shenanigans, hiding money, that kind of thing. So you have no reason for guilt. And please keep in mind that your spouse comes before your mother.
What does her doctor say about whether her medical problems would qualify her for nursing home? Are there other options than assisted living - group care home? If she is not mobile, it sounds like she would be nursing home qualified. But your doctor should be able to help. Other posters on this forum will have ideas too.
Your choice of care centers should be able to help you with this.
Get filing the Medicaid paperwork asap as it takes a while. (VERY long process in our situation.)
At your mom's age and need for care, it would be best for HER to be in a place of care. I understand the mental anguish, though.
Your mom needs to qualify financially for Medicaid ($2,000 or less in assets) AND get evaluated by them as to her daily needs. That all takes time to process, so the earlier you begin the filing process, the better. Don't wait until the summer or fall.
Pick the better of the two nursing homes.
You love your mother. It hurts to make these decisions. Yet, it is LOVE that gives her the best care for what SHE needs now. However it is paid for... government funded or not.... there is no shame in getting aid. It is what the program is for.
You are a very good son. Know that. Your responsibility is to see that she has a roof over her head, food, clothing, and her medical needs met.... and according to her current and future needs - memory and physical.
In my opinion, your greater responsibility is to your wife more than to mom, so to speak, as you have taken a wife to yourself as a man. That doesn't mean that you toss mom out into the street... it just means that you need to do what is best for everyone involved... especially for your wife.
Your home is not at all set up for the kind of care that your mom is needing now, even though to you it 'might work.' What is your wife's opinion? She knows what is really needed in this situation... even if you still think it would work. Trust your wife. She is for YOU and your mom. (Really, us women are wise in these matters.)
It is best for everyone if your mother has her own nice warm room and bed, with rested staff to care for her, equipment that helps her, and people that will engage with her... at a dedicated place called a nursing home.
Believe me, YOU will rest better at night knowing that mom is safe, warm and cared for... ( A nurse here, who thought the exact things you are thinking about... with better hindsight now that mom is out of AL and into the next level of care...)
My mom (92) loves where she is at. A 'memory facility'... with her room at set at a toasty 75+ degrees... people to interact with ... and where our family calls her or visits her frequently.
Wishing you the best ~