My mother is 84 and has lived with us for 4 years this time around. She has gone on the war path because my hubby made a remark. Any advice?
He thought the coffee table was dirty. She threw a fit!! She got furniture polish, yanked stuff off the coffee table and polished it, flung the polish on the sofa and stomped outside. Now she's been in her room for 5 days, won't eat and insists basically that I should choose between her and my husband. She won't be in the same room with him, wants me to stay in her bedroom with her and she still won't eat. She says I'm killing her - she's gone from 102 to 96 lbs. and I'm just going to sit by and watch her die!!
Now she says she's leaving - SHE can't take it any more and my husband is not man enough to apologize to her. My nerves are shot. One time she got mad because we bought a new car! She wants to control everything and every one. Give me a hint - part of me wants her to leave, part of me is worried.
I don't see how you stand such a person as you describe her in your house. It does not sound like your sanity or possibly your marriage can withstand much more of her as you describe her in your profile.
Why did you ever take her into your house?
I really doubt, given the kind of person that she is, that your husband apologizing would make much difference.
She's throwing a major guilt trip on you which is emotional abuse. She sounds like she is full of F.O.G. that she seeks to manipulate people with. F.O.G. is Fear of making them angry. Obligation to try to make them happy which you can't and guilt for not being able to.
She wants to go? Dang, then let her leave. She's possibly bluffing and want go at which point you can tell her to keep her word and leave.
Why did you let her move in again? Where did she go the first time she moved out?
What do you mean that her life is "revolving around money"?
What kind of caregiving do you do for her? Does she pay you anything? (She should be!) What are her medical issues?
And, my usual question -- Why did you let yourself get stuck with her? Do you have siblings? If so, what kind of involvement do they have with your mother?
Call her bluff and tell her you're choosing husband.
If she becomes dehydrated, call 911. And DON'T pick her up from the hospital.
Living with you and your husband is a privilege and not her right. Mom needs to go, or I’m afraid Hubby will be the one to leave. What would you do then? It absolutely cannot be pleasant for him to be in the same house, let alone the same room with her.
I have to ask. Why do you tolerate this behavior from her? Intimidation? Guilt? Were you one who promised “never to put a parent in a facility”? What do you think should be done? What are you willing to do? Will you tolerate her behavior indefinitely? Will you go to her room with a plate of food, serve her and then curtsey on your way out? Sounds like it.
You're a grown woman. A married woman. It’s time to call Mom’s bluff. Or, since it sounds like she can’t be reasoned with, start looking at alternative placement after having her evaluated to find out where she should be placed. Explain to her, if possible,that you tried and it didn’t work. She’s not happy and you aren’t either. The situation cannot continue the way it is. Unless, of course, you decide to do nothing, You choose Mom’s feelings over Hubby’s because you’re afraid of her vitriol. And then nothing will change.
“We already discussed this, I’m not going to keep rehashing it.”
“I’m going to take that as a “No”. I’ll just have to go ahead and take other measures to protect myself.”
“I’m not going to waste any more time on this. These are my terms. Take it or leave it.”
“I’ve made up my mind and I’m not going to discuss it anymore.”
“We’re not getting anywhere with this. I’m leaving.”
“I’m not going to repeat myself again. If we’re going to see each other anymore, then this is the way it has to be.”
“This discussion is going nowhere, so I’m ending it. I’m hanging up now. Don’t call me again until you agree with what I’m asking of you.”
“I told you what I need from you and it’s non-negotiable. You’re either going to do what I ask, or not. When you let me know your decision, I’ll let you know my decision about continuing this relationship.”
“I can’t explain it any better than I already have. If you refuse to get my point, then there’s no point in continuing to discuss it.”
“I can see we’re not going to agree on this. Let me know when you’re ready to do what I’m asking of you.”
“I’ve made myself perfectly clear. I have nothing more to say.”
I copied those from webist http://www.luke173ministries.org/466817
I didn't go there because of any religious belief. only because I googled "narcissist getting a rise"
not saying she is a N.
just saying it seems she is trying to control you with her bad behavior. and trying to get a 'rise' out of you. she wants you to respond and get you to say you're 'sorry' etc.
If she wants to sit in her room all day, then let her. its like a little kid with a tantrum. Stop reacting to her BS.
We got home Wednesday evening from work - the house was dark, no noise, 2 frantic doggies - NO MOMMA. All that remained behind was 2 ugly notes to me and my husband and whatever belongings she couldn't pack, house keys and her cell phone. I have to admit, it was a relief. This is a sneaky, wicked, mean hearted woman who managed to call a cab, go to her bank, close all of her accounts (3), get travelling money, get a plane ticket and get to the airport. I'm sure she is with my cousin, her sister-in-law or a girlfriend...they are her only run-to's.
Anyway, the point being it will be good until the ugly letters start arriving like the last time she left like a ghost. Oh, and yes, I am an only child. I don't have any idea why I have taken her bullying me and trying to control my life....we took her in after my dad passed away and he had told her to sell the house and live with us. I knew the personality type and yes, the N word fits well. She is all about being first in every situation - even in illness. I have MS (I have never displayed any recognizable symptoms that she would notice) but she is always the sickest one in the house. Not any longer!
My head is a bit befuggled yet relieved...thank you for the support, everyone! I'm sure I'll be back....I feel like the saga will never end.
A) How to handle the "Ugly letters" and
B) What to do when (not if) your Mom wants to live with you again.
Are you going to read the "ugly letters" and then SHRED them? Can you be strong enough to forget what she writes in them? Is there someone that you and your husband trusts (a minister or counselor) who could read the "ugly letters" first and then help you decide whether you should read the letters or not?
You and your husband need to decide what to do when your Mom shows up at your front door and wants to live with you again. Can you tell her to go to a motel? Can you tell her that if she tries to come into your house that you will call the police and get a restraining order on her?
Are you the POA-Financial and POA- Healthcare for your Mom--Do you feel that you MUST let your Mom live with you? You can take care of your Mom and be her POA if she lives somewhere else.
You and your husband need to make a plan for the future as to how you are going to deal with your Mom when she returns...and she will return--one way or another.
Don't let her nastiness into your home.
Your mother did some deep emotional wiring of you when you were little. It can get untangled with some help from a therapist and work on your part. Not only will you, but your marriage also will benefit from getting these wires dealt with. I wish you the best.