She is finally more stable and seems content. He is 92 years old and has insisted on being her primary caretaker until just lately. Both of them are doing well, but he feels guilty and lost without her. Seeing her feeling better makes him wish to bring her home for a short while. I think it would be very confusing for her and disrupt her progress. Thoughts?
Surely Dad wouldn't want to do that to her.
I think it would disrupt her 'new norm' tremendously and cause more issues down the road.
A better choice would be to arrange for dad to see mom more often. Is her 'home' amenable to long visits from family/spouses? A man in my neighborhood had to move his wife to a NH close to him. He spent most of everyday there with her.
It actually was helpful, as by the time she passed, he was accustomed to being alone. She never came home once she was in the MC facility. The directors would have let him take her, of course, but they felt she'd do better in ONE location and that proved true.
The father at his age is from the generation where a man takes care of his wife and family and if they don't they see themselves as a failure and have tremendous guilt.
I can't tell you how many elderly clients I've worked for where the husband was the one reluctant to even allow hired caregiving a few hours a day for the wife because they believe that all of it is supposed to be their responsibility. No one can handle all of it alone.
The father is lonely and feels guilty about not being able to provide the care his wife needs. He's not alone among men of his generation.
Maybe the LTC will let him stay with her overnights. Maybe the can suggest a support group where he can talk with other people going through the same thing. The LTC would have information on this.
If Mom needs MC, then she also needs the structure of the routine that MC gives.
Back with Dad, there would be no such structure.
Why put Mom through the possibility of anxiety caused by such a visit?
Does Dad need transportation to Mom? Would he use an UBER? A taxi? Municipal transport?
Would he have the funds to move into the AL portion of the building, if there is one?
We tried this with husband’s grandma, simple lunch outings. But when we’d bring her back, she’d be so disoriented. She thought we were out of town or that we were moving away, and got upset thinking we were leaving her forever … we couldn’t convince her otherwise. Couldn’t remember where the bathroom was.
It’s not worth it!
Of course, if finances are not an issue and the Mom's facility has an AL section, is it possible that Dad might like to move there so that he could be closer to Mom and they could have meals together and share some activities? Just a thought
He may or may not realize how counterproductive it would be to have her leave her present “home” but perhaps you owe it to him to give give him that explanation.
Also, if you attempt to take her out for an extended time, the Assisted Living may have restrictions on overnight visits, in the best interests of the residents.
Please leave well enough alone. It took a while to get her more stable & content in the Memory Care ALF, why rock the boat? Dad can go visit every single day if he'd like, which is almost the same thing as taking her home.
Good luck!
Have her STAY PUT where she is. You can visit with dad…but do NOT bring her back home. Hugs 🤗
I realize that you father misses his wife and is hopeful she is getting better. Yes he feels guilt and is grieving. But you need to explain the importance of routine to him and that the reason she is doing so well is for all the good care she is receiving - and taking her out could undo all the good she is experiencing.
Good luck.
The responses seem to be mostly the same - don't do this. It is very hard on those with dementia. Even when I'd take my mother to appts, when we were back in the parking lot, she'd start looking for her keys (to the condo.) She'd look at the place and ask where we are. We'd get downstairs, into MC, and she'd ask where her room was, where normally she could get there on her own. It sounds like he's suggesting taking her home for more than a day - even just one trip home for the day or a few hours is going to upset her routine and she could backslide. Who knows, she may even resist going. At least one resident where my mother was didn't want to go out - they came to pick her up for a birthday celebration for her and she refused to go. While I know they spent a lot of time planning and organizing, I can only imagine how upset this poor woman was, being forced to go against her wishes!
It is very disorienting when we take them out. She's adjusted quickly, I wouldn't recommend messing with that - at least not for a while. It would be better if he could spend more time with her. Try explaining to your dad that yes, indeed, she looks and feels better, but that's because she is in the right place for her. She is well cared for, but won't be getting any better. It will get worse, but he can enjoy time with her there. Suggest him going to be with her, maybe for the afternoon and have dinner together or another meal/snack. You'd have to inquire about overnights. Some places may allow it, others won't.
Work on getting dad to understand how difficult this will be for her. Be understanding for him as well, because he's missing her and feeling like he gave up on her too soon. His feelings DO matter, but he needs to know you all did the right thing and help him not feel guilty. If she's content and relatively happy, THAT is what matters!
It would be confusing, possibly even frightening for her being removed from an environment that she knows now. If she does recall "home" it would be upsetting for her to go home then be brought back where she will have to settle in all over again.
If he wants to spend time with her ask if he can stay with her in MC for the weekend.
I took my mom to her house once. Everything was wonderful. Until it was time to leave. I learned not to do it again. I was sad, but I knew it was best for her.
Or, maybe just a day outing first and see how that goes.
She doesn't have her mental faculties. That's why she was put into a memory care LTC.
As sad and heartbreaking it is, your mom was put into an LTC facility for a reason. Your father, as guilt-ridden as he might be was part of the decision to do this. All of your family including dad knows it was the right decision.
Bringing her home for a week-end will not end well. She has become acclimated to her new surroundings and from what you say, has improved and is thriving there.
Taking her home for a couple days will result in confusing her and probably setting back the progress she's made by months, or she will love being at home again and there will be a total meltdown when she has to leave. Either way whatever improvement and progress she's made at the LTC facility will be set back by months.
Please don't being her home. The suggestions made by everyone here are good ideas. Maybe your father can stay with her for a week-end. Or she can go on outings with the family. Bringing her home is not a good idea.
For your father, he's really struggling and it would help him to have someone to talk to about it. Would he be on board with the idea of a support group? To meet and talk with other people who are also in the same situation as him.