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This is highly individual, but you have tried the truth and it upsets him, so it may be time to start saying something to the effect that his mother is happy and, depending on your/his spiritual beliefs, you could say she is "with grandma and grandpa" or something of that kind.
Some would argue that you should just keep telling him she died, but I personally would try to find a way to tell him he "will see her again" or something, because I don't see the point in distressing him when he can't understand. He is reliving her death every time.
It's a decision you'll have to make. Know that whatever you decide, you are not alone. This is very common as Alzheimer's progresses, as people "go back in years." Many start asking for their parents. You've got lots of company in this agonizing choice.
Yes, my father would ask me where's your momma ? I told him shes in heaven well it shocked him and he would go in depressions . So I decided from then on I would tell him she's sleeping and he would smile and say oh she must be tired, I said yes she's tired dad .. and it's good to see him smile rather than be all heartbroken. At another time I would just ask him where he thinks she is? He said oh she's probably at home resting. Yeah dad I think so too. Don't say she died, it would hurt him and he'll feel all alone ...
Thanks for all of your input on this - but telling him she is still somewhere is better than saying she is dead. That hurts any of us. But this time he fooled me and asked for the phone book to look up her number. They aren't all there, but they are if you know what I mean.
Yes, sometimes i wonder if dad is playing games with me to see what I would say. Ahh I dont know. I just tell him she's sleeping, resting, who knows maybe I'll tell him she went to Walmart then next time he asks haha.
Also he talks so low we can hardly hear him. I have to watch him all the time. He isn't nasty, but they say that will happen. IF it does then I can not take care of him. When they get out of control there is nothing else you can do but put them in a home.
This is a difficult situation, but I agree with MindingOurElders. Try to tell him in way that implies that she has passed, but is not direct. You could say something like, "She is resting peacefully". Of course, if your husband asks for her phone number again, then it could lead to a sticky situation!
i find that changing the subject works. Ask him about the time that she .... or the fact that it is raining outside. Just about anything. The questions still keep coming, but it gets to be a game.
I have done that and sometimes it works and other times is doesn't. So that is why I just started telling him she died. But I found that is a little hard for him. So I will have to keep trying and see what works the best for him. Thanks to all of you who have given your ideas to me. If anyone else should come up with something new, would love to hear from you. A lot of times I don't think they are as far gone as we think. Then there are days they are not here at all. Mornings are bad for him until he gets his meds. Thanks again - God bless!
I have had it suggested to me to lovingly engage in therapeutic lying. Kindness is the greatest wisdom. A dementia expert said, "When a person with dementia is looking for a specific person who is deceased you can say something like, "if I see him/her, I will tell him/her you are waiting for him/her." That is sweet and I suppose if you did see a deceased person and could talk to him/her then you most certainly would! Good luck.
I would not tell the person anything that possibly be would be upsettingsing to them---at the Alz support meetings--they use the term 'fiblits'-and perhaps this will work for you. Good luck on your caregiver journey.
Oh you should always be loving. My doctor said they become like a child. Not only do they want to see or call someone that has died sometimes they say well they were just here. Or a member of the family was just here. That isn't as bad as the ones that have died. But I tell him you must of been dreaming because they are not here. They see odd things that are not real. They see people and children that are not here. One day he told me there was a man upstairs in an over coat. I had to show him that there wasn't anyone up there and everything was ok. Talk about a spooky night - I have had plenty of them.
Hi once again--I am new at this messaging system-Anyhow to reply to your question--I would use a 'fiblet' - based upon how you think your answer will be received. There is really no sense to me in making a person with dementia even more depressed. Been there/did that--
Funny thing is he is not depressed. He cried about it and then that was it. He laughs a lot and makes jokes. You don't know what he is talking about but he knows. Everyone isn't depressed thats all I know. He is still loving to me and give kisses and hugs and that don't sound like he is depressed at all. We have been married for 54 years. He has always been a sweet, loving and a very gentle man. Thanks for your thoughts on it. He has his God who he talks about all the time. But we don't know what it is all about, but the Lord knows. Thanks again.
hapfra - geriatric fiblet is what it is called. I know what it means. But some people with Alzheimer's remember and then forget. This is something you have to watch for too. I know my husband and how he thinks. No it doesn't hurt to tell them a fiblet but what do you say when they remember then. Every person is different with this disease. I have done some studies on my own and read as much as possible. But each person is different with this disease and you learn to deal with the person not the disease. Thanks again
I agree that everyone is different--If you do not want to use a 'theraputic fiblet'-then there must be a way to be evasive-in order to hurt his feelings-If this does not work, then you will probably have to be more direct-and take one step at a time. Thus-there is no right or wrong reply to your question. Good Luck!
Carol if only every one would take your kind advice, I know all the advice that you had given you I had given was some help to someone. You can not hurt them they more at times teeling the truth than we can even think. Mom used to come out of the blue and say something about some one from 50 years ago, either her about her mom or my dad both werre gone for many years or things that happen when I was very little. You have to be strong but at times the real truth hurts more. A little white lie does not hurt, Oh they went for a walk they will see you later helps. Believe it does not get any easier. Be there with your love one has much as possible with visits you can bring pictures. If you feel you can not answer at that some change the subject or get up and go to the bathroom and sometimes when you come back it is all forgotton. Thank you again Carol for all you thoughts and experiences. patrica61
Carol did answer my question and I did learn that you have to deal with each one differently. Kind words and love it the best way to handly this. So keep up the good work Carol and thanks again.
Reba you just hang in there, you have a long trip a head. Take care of yourself. I took care of my mom for many years out of love with kindness and concern knowing why she acted the way she did . I was the caregiver of mom now, not the child. Please stay with the internet. I just lost my mom with the battle of Alzheimer's, she was 88 she was in so many hospitals from falls, and also in rehab and nursing homes up North. Her last couple of years I did bring her to live in Flroida with us, but I was not told the truth about all her problems. It did take a while to find a good place after searching over ten different places. I went five times to this one. I went to see mom all the time and at the end I was back and forth to hospital. She went back to the assisted living to die with dignity/with love and care. I slept over many times. It was nice saying goodnight to her her and helping out with breakfast. I helped feed her also. She passed away in my arms last monday Oct 5, 2009, I had a kind police officer who stayed the whole time with me and also the fire dept when they called and spoke to me they were honest. The assisted living at first wanted to send her back to the hospital, which she only left two days ago. It was her time. There are many helpful people out there who understand what we are going through. patricia61 May God watch over you.
For sure dementia does not mean "not smart!" My Mom did the same thing about her parents being gone, and she cried when my father very roughly told her the truth. Sooo, most of the time I was able to simply change the subject and it seemed to work. My sister of 88 yrs. is not that far gone, but can be so very sharp one day and completely out of it the next, which is very hard on one's nerves. I'm afraid we'll have to find a place for her where professionals can help her more than I can, after 19 months.
How I approach it with my families and staff is many different ways. There is a technique you can use called a "therapeutic lie." What I mean by this is instead of bringing your loved one into your reality take yourself into their current reality. If they think it is 1940 in Oklahoma and a tornado is coming then that is where you are. The other way I phrase it to families and staff is to enter their reality where ever they may be. If your husband asks a question about his mom that leads you to believe that he thinks she is alive try redirection(diverting his attention to something else), reminiscing (asking memory type questions about his mom;for example: Tell me about the time you and your mom went to the baseball game together) or the therapuetic lie technique (For example: your mom is on vacation, at the store, things that his mom would have done while she was living. Always keep enter their reality where ever they may be in your mind and then you will not feel like you are lying to your loved one.
Some techniques I use with our loved ones are saying, "She's OK." Then quickly diverting their attention or thought to: "How are you today?" Simply shifting their focus to something positive seems to allay fear, worry and anxiety. I have to do this often. Another thing to remember is this: their "truth" is not necessary ours. Their "reality" might not necessarily resonnate with ours at any given time.
I find it difficult to enter into my dad's version, especially since he can no longer articulate where he's at. He chatters away, at times, and asks questions, but not very much of it makes sense anymore. He can rarely put one sentence together, or complete a thought. Several ideas and strange combinations of thoughts mngle together, making a jumble for both the speaker and hearer. I have found it best to just nod, smile, and shake my head in agreement, trying to remain calm and positive. I don't answer anything directly, except to interject some of my current "reality" into our "conversations." For instance, yesterday my dad asked me, "What did you do?" I told him, "We are having ham and squash for supper." By the look on his face, it's apparent he doesn't seem to grasp my words or their meaning. But he answers with, "What?" (like he doesn't understand) or didn't follow my words. So I added, "Yes, we're having beans and ham and squash." These are all true statements, but he doesn't "have a clue" what I'm saying. He quickly changes the "subject" and goes on chattering in his simple gibberish. Sometimes tears come to my eyes listening to him, and I have to fight back the emotions, and try to stay positive and "attentive."
Recently, dad's 21 year old granddaughter died tragically in a motorcycle accident. Dad has some type of dementia or Alzheimer's (perhaps Lewy Bodies), and family chose not to tell him at all. There are many pictures of this young gal in his room, along with her husband and 2 year old baby. Dad never mentions her or any of them. So we choose not to as well. If he did, I'd just say, "I don't know where she is right now." As opposed to "heaven, died," etc.). That is not information he is able to process or understand in the same way a mentally healthy individual can. We chose to spare him the grief, and will continue to do so. Same thing should something happen to Mom (his wife). She rarely visits, and he never asks about her, either. (I don't even know if he knows who she is.)
Yesterday I asked Dad if he talked to M___ (his other daughter). He looked thoughtful for some time, and replied, "...it's been a long time..." Did he know what I asked? Did he know I was talking about my sister? I don't know anymore. We just don't know. Above all, I would try to avoid anything controversial, or emotionally hurtful. We just try to stay cheerful and positive, and avoid the negatives. That seems to be better for all of us.
Yes it hard to answer that one cause when my dad ask me about mom i clammed up but when he ask again i told him mom passed on and she will be waiting for you i never say die or dead i always say passed on and it seems its more comforting to him and he didn't cry much anymore
I am not telling him that eveytime he ask about his mother. But he still has some memory left. He asked me for the phone book and wanted to look up his mother's phone number. He asked once and I said Ed, she died in 1984. They have periods of remembering. They have times when they cry at the drop of a hat. Then they laugh at things that are not funny. I think that anyone who has lost a loved one has relived their death. I have, and I cried about them. I am from a family of 8. There are two of us left. My sister is 82 and I am 73. Do you think I would just cry at her funeral and never again.
Yes crowmagnum, it is cruel but what can we do about it? Nothing...it's like any other diseases it devasted me when they told me dad had it, I ask my self how can a man like him get it, he was a well grounded man, knew a lot, then all of a sudden he couldn't remember his birthday let alone his age. It's hard. I think about my self, I come from a very large family, 12 to be exact, and I wonder which one of us will get it... some of us will get it. Like diabetes etc etc. It's horrible and I will never understand it.
None of you know what stage he is in. The doctors don't know what stage he is in. He understands more than a person would think. So it's not "downright cruel if not elder abuse to use reality therapy with them," as you say. The more you let them lose a part of their life the more the disease can take over. That is why the doctors tell him to read, play games and not stay in a chair all day looking at the floor. You should remind them of the past good or bad. There is a right way and a wrong way to do this and I know I am doing it the right way. Until you have walked in my shoes you don't know what you are talking about. You would have to be here.
Reba I understand what you're saying, trust me I do. No one knows. I never treated my dad like a child, but they do think like that cause they forget now. What's that old saying, once adult twice a child? But that doesn't mean we have to let them, so yes you're right, guide him back to reality.
There is a lot of work that goes into taking care of a person with Alzheimer's. Like when they forget to dress themself. Don't let it happen and put it off as long as you can. I half dress him and make him finish. Like help him to put his underwear on, after he has both legs in I have him pull them up. Holding his shirt until he gets his hands in and then let him put it on. They will let you do it all and that is how it was getting and my sister don't do all of it for him, so I stop. Like he dropped some food on the table and I picked it up and he open his mouth for me to put it in and I said no you feed yourself. Don't let them become like a child or you will end up doing all of it.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
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Some would argue that you should just keep telling him she died, but I personally would try to find a way to tell him he "will see her again" or something, because I don't see the point in distressing him when he can't understand. He is reliving her death every time.
It's a decision you'll have to make. Know that whatever you decide, you are not alone. This is very common as Alzheimer's progresses, as people "go back in years." Many start asking for their parents. You've got lots of company in this agonizing choice.
Keep checking in. We know it's hard.
Carol
Don't say she died, it would hurt him and he'll feel all alone ...
Thanks for the input and some humor. We have to keep that, too.
Carol
Wish you the best.
Kathy
A dementia expert said, "When a person with dementia is looking for a specific person who is deceased you can say something like, "if I see him/her, I will tell him/her you are waiting for him/her." That is sweet and I suppose if you did see a deceased person and could talk to him/her then you most certainly would! Good luck.
I find it difficult to enter into my dad's version, especially since he can no longer articulate where he's at. He chatters away, at times, and asks questions, but not very much of it makes sense anymore. He can rarely put one sentence together, or complete a thought. Several ideas and strange combinations of thoughts mngle together, making a jumble for both the speaker and hearer. I have found it best to just nod, smile, and shake my head in agreement, trying to remain calm and positive. I don't answer anything directly, except to interject some of my current "reality" into our "conversations." For instance, yesterday my dad asked me, "What did you do?" I told him, "We are having ham and squash for supper." By the look on his face, it's apparent he doesn't seem to grasp my words or their meaning. But he answers with, "What?" (like he doesn't understand) or didn't follow my words. So I added, "Yes, we're having beans and ham and squash." These are all true statements, but he doesn't "have a clue" what I'm saying. He quickly changes the "subject" and goes on chattering in his simple gibberish. Sometimes tears come to my eyes listening to him, and I have to fight back the emotions, and try to stay positive and "attentive."
Recently, dad's 21 year old granddaughter died tragically in a motorcycle accident. Dad has some type of dementia or Alzheimer's (perhaps Lewy Bodies), and family chose not to tell him at all. There are many pictures of this young gal in his room, along with her husband and 2 year old baby. Dad never mentions her or any of them. So we choose not to as well. If he did, I'd just say, "I don't know where she is right now." As opposed to "heaven, died," etc.). That is not information he is able to process or understand in the same way a mentally healthy individual can. We chose to spare him the grief, and will continue to do so. Same thing should something happen to Mom (his wife). She rarely visits, and he never asks about her, either. (I don't even know if he knows who she is.)
Yesterday I asked Dad if he talked to M___ (his other daughter). He looked thoughtful for some time, and replied, "...it's been a long time..." Did he know what I asked? Did he know I was talking about my sister? I don't know anymore. We just don't know. Above all, I would try to avoid anything controversial, or emotionally hurtful. We just try to stay cheerful and positive, and avoid the negatives. That seems to be better for all of us.