My wife and I have been married for 25 years. We have 2 adult children in college still living at home. 4 years ago my wife's father moved in with us after the passing of his wife. My wife also suffers from a chronic illness that is very debilitating for her. What I am about to go into might make you think that I am a terrible person for feeling the way that I do, but I feel like I have no support network and no one to talk to, coping with my feelings is difficult, and need to get some things off my chest.
The bottom line is that while our lives have dramatically changed over the last 4 years, I feel that my father-in-law living with us was the trigger that started to tear at our marriage, and continues to hasten it's decline.
My wife is 12 years my senior, she is in her early 60's, I just turned 50. She has had a chronic illness that we have dealt with for 20 years, with lots of highs and lows. When she was down, I was Mr. Mom. When she was feeling good, she was active with the kids and school activities, and we did lots of things together as a family as the kids were growing up. But her health has worsened in the last 2 years to the point where she is rarely able to leave the house and has little strength to do anything other than shower, get dressed, and sit on the sofa watching TV. She sleeps at least 12 hours per day, going to bed around 1-2 AM and getting up late in the afternoon.
Physically, we lost our connection about 2 years ago. She had been going through the motions of trying to maintain physical intimacy for about the last 5 years, and I give her a lot of credit for that, but it was evident that it was painful and taxing for her, and not pleasant for me. We talked about it and decided it needed to be given up.
Her illness also brings with it impaired cognitive ability, or a "brain fog" that almost has the same effect of drunkedness. By the end of the day the fog takes over and I cannot have a serious conversation with her about anything really. She often gets mean with me and accuses me of marginalizing her. As an aside, she does drink heavily (I think), consuming 1-2 bottles of wine per night, but says she does it because she hurts, and disputes the volume she drinks. I gave up trying to talk to her about her drinking because she would just get mad at me.
Now to my father-in-law. He is in his 80's, is physically independent and does not require hands-on care. Since he moved in he has become the center of everything - he is just always there and his presence sucks all the air out of the room. He has little self-awareness or respect for other people's need for privacy. I feel like he has taken over our household and I just don't like being around him. Don't get me wrong - I think he is a wonderful person, I just can't stand living with him. I told this to my wife about 3 years ago, and her response to me was that she hopes he dies soon. I know she didn't really mean or want that, and told her that was a horrible thing to say, but at the time I think she was just in some kind of marriage defense mode and wanting to make me happy. Keep in mind her impaired cognition as well.
My father-in-law does not contribute financially to the household, though he is able to. My wife won't hear of it. Even during a time of serious financial peril last year, I asked her if we might consider asking her father to help out with expenses. She was furious, and instead said that we should borrow money from my parents.
I am also an active volunteer and leader in our community. I very much enjoy these activities, as it gives me a sense of fulfillment, and recognition from others for the things that I do that I no longer receive at home. My wife thinks I spend too much time out of the house at work or volunteering, but I feel that I need to do something that I like because I don't like being at home. I know this is one sided, am I wrong for feeling the way that I do? Should my father in law go? Can my my marriage be salvaged?
Where I would start is to get Dad another place to go. If he recieves any benefits find that out, if he is retired military find that out, if he is medicaid approved find that out, if there is homes or facilities that would house such a individual find that out ASAP. If he recieves Medicare find out what he has available to him. Go to usa.benefits.gov THERE is benefits that may apply to both you and your spouse as well as yourself. Find out what the daughter can reasonably do. No one I think is there to run you crazy it just called depending heavily on one individual. Also get help for yourself like talking with a counselor, a Bible instructor who can spend time with you sharing what positive information it can help you with in solving problems. Also look for local agencies that can help you with your cituation. Find your father a social worker who can provide all the resources available.
Have a blessed day and be safe
Are there online Al Anon programs now? I bet there are.
Yeah, this virus is stalling everything for the time being. The focus is on healing and prevention which is top priority!
Your father in law has interfered in your lives. It would most likely be best if he lived elsewhere.
A temporary situation is different than a long term existence. I dealt with this too. Multi generational living is difficult to endure.
Excessive drinking is an issue that is damaging to relationships. Your wife has to do this for herself first.
A good therapist will tell their patient that they must do things for themselves.
Anything done just to please a spouse or anyone else and their heart is not in it won’t last. Yes, we should want to please others but we have to want change for ourselves first.
If she is not seeking this change, don’t bother to waste your time and effort. One old cliche is true, “You can lead a horse to water but can’t make them drink it.”
Having said that, I am sure that you are aware that an alcoholic cannot and should not quit cold turkey. They are at risk of having grand mall seizures stopping abruptly.
They have to detox with professional help. She needs rehab. I know a woman who flatlined due to excessive drinking issues.
Thank God, they were able to revive her. She has two beautiful children and that was her wake up call. She has been sober for many years now.
Rehab, my friend. That is what helped her. It is the only proper way for your wife to stop drinking. If she wants the help, there are plenty of programs available.
Your wife’s daughter doesn’t need to interfere in your life. She clearly overstepped her boundaries.
Best wishes to you and your family. Vent anytime. Take care. We are in a crisis with this virus and you have your own crisis on your hands as well. You will figure it out. You are searching for answers. You will find them.
Here is one - Reformers Unanimous. ReformU.com. (You will have to type it into your browser window.)
My sister in NH with dementia-she is needy but I don't mind at all she can't help it. Others could change if they wanted or no one would give in to their demands. I had wanted to bring sis here to my house when last community was neglectful and we did not find a new acceptable place 6 months of looking.
Spouse was not in favor but was agreeable in the need to get sis out of awful place. At the last second we got a call-saved my sanity and my family from who knows what as sis continues to decline. I want to give my all to her-she is lost and confused in her new surroundings-due to corona I can't go see her.
Now that my current family unit is work from home due to corona-there is a lot of together time with them which is nice for a change. After doing all the big housekeeping stuff I have not done for 6 months since my sister came to live in my area-at my suggestion due to her problems. My house is clean, orderly and calm. I now have time for self.-I had forgotten what that felt like-happy. I feel like the old me again.
I agree with other posters you have to make time for yourself you have been the one keeping the ship afloat- take a break from the others who are causing you grief-see how they manage on their own. Get counseling and support for yourself might be helpful. Maybe after a few months others will be ready to discuss possible real solutions.
And there are consequences. Whatever your wife’s health problems, alcohol is making them worse. It’s a cause of her dreadful sleep pattern. It’s a reason why she wants nothing to change. It’s part of her being unreasonable.
Hard fact number two is that her father is a user. He doesn’t contribute to the household, either in work or financially. He is using a future ‘inheritance’ as a carrot, and many many people can tell you that it rarely works out well. Either it will be spent eventually on medical care, or it will be split in the family in a way that doesn’t benefit you and your wife, or he will develop nice little habits like gambling or a grasping ‘girlfriend’. He is quite young and fit enough for that outcome. He will keep using you while you let it happen. Is he helping to provide the alcohol to your wife?
Hard fact number three is that you are finding other things much more rewarding than being at home. All your voluntary work may be good in itself, but it is currently being the best alternative to an impossible home. It’s a danger to your marriage. All you need to do is meet someone better, and you are quite likely to be out of there.
Hard fact number four: you are paying for all this. Without your money, it falls in a heap. YOU are the one propping it all up.
Yes, your marriage may be able to be salvaged, but it will be hard. It will only happen if you force your FIL out of the house and stop the booze to your wife. Contact AA for advice. Then give FIL a deadline for leaving. If you do this now, things will be very rocky but may eventually improve. If you don’t, then you will live ‘on the rocks’ until it falls apart anyway.
Yes, I do have a lot of sympathy for your horrible situation, and I can imagine how hard it will be to change anything. You need support, and more personal support than you can get on this site. Call AA, find a counsellor. And if you are a believer, pray a lot.
What a hideous dilemma.
Years ago, I dated a man who was leaving a 25 year marriage that produced 4 children. The divorce nearly cost him his sanity and drained him of an enormous amount of wealth, but he left because his wife had CHECKED OUT! (Severe narcotic and alcohol dependency)
In the end, her enraged diatribes and the money he lost were a small payment for the INCREDIBLE increase in emotional well-being that he gained as a result of stepping away from a dead marriage.
This is such a multifaceted situation.
A: Your wife has chosen her father and her alcohol over you. SHE abandoned the marriage!!
B: Your FIL has NO CONCERN for your financial or emotional well being. Why is your wife refusing to let him contribute financially? Again, she isn’t for YOU here.
C: I agree with the other posters that this is a deeply complicated and codependent relationship all the way around. Melody Beatty has some excellent books that relate to codependency. As a chronic caregiver, I’m well aware of the difficulties in setting boundaries. However, NOT doing so will cost you spiritually, emotionally and physically. Have you asked yourself why you don’t value your needs more? If you download the Calm App, the mediation for today (3/28) is about caregivers and how to self-sustain.
You entered into a relationship with a chronically ill woman, yet not knowing what the grind of being a caregiver might cost you after 25 years. As others have said, her choice to self-medicate and hide ARE choices.
She’s using guilt right and left, so because of her manipulative way of engaging with you, I don’t predict that you’ll be able to find a cohesive path together.
My amateur diagnosis is that she, too, suffers from codependency and cannot bear the idea of kicking her father out, owing to her sense of loyalty and guilt.
Until she sees that her decision to house her father is going to end her marriage, she may not be amply motivated to insist on change.
Perhaps there are halfway compromises such as insisting that your FIL leave the house on weekends or that he give you dedicated family time to yourselves.
Maybe he’ll find connections out of the home that will give him the courage to find a better life for himself.
I feel for you and hope you take solace in these words from strangers. You sound like a wonderful person.
Best of luck!
“When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.” Paulo Cohello
Even with that, I do not sleep 12 or 16 hours a day, or stay on the couch. Yes, I have a limited amount of energy, just like your wife. So I might do some laundry, shower, and make a grocery run - but then I’m done until I’ve taken a nap. But then I can fix supper.
So, I think it may be depression and alcohol holding her down, not fibromyalgia and lupus. Those certainly limit her activities, but they don’t wipe them out altogether.
She needs a doctor appointment, and you need to be there with her, to make sure she tells the doctor the whole story. She needs an antidepressant or two and AA. Then her life will be a different story.
If she is willing to do those two things for you, your marriage may have a chance. I wish you all the best, you certainly deserve good things.
P.S. FIL has got to go!
1 - Go to Al-anon or Celebrate Recovery group. Your wife may have depression but she also definitely has an addiction to alcohol. The folks in the group are dealing with situations similar to yours. They have a wealth of experience and compassion to be your support network.
2 - Read "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. They are 2 Christian counselors that deal in the area of "appropriate boundaries." Boundaries are for you, to help you deal with difficult behaviors of others. I have read their books many times to remind myself of how to deal with the difficult people in my life.
3 - Counselling, Start counselling for yourself to have a wise, compassionate, trained advisor on your team. Talk about what are healthy expectations for each of the members in your household: adult children should contribute in some way, senior parent should contribute in some way, and critically ill wife should contribute in some way... along with Mr. Nice guy (you) who seems to be shouldering the entire burden alone. You may have to get family counselling - with everybody there - to navigate the next steps in your family life. In these counselling sessions you will discover who needs to stay, who needs to go, and what to do about your marriage.
Are you better off without her?
this is both an emotional and financial question.
it does sound like you are at the end of your rope. Since you are the caregiver in all of this, it seems to me that YOUR opinion counts for far more than anyone else.
so, decide how you want all this to change. An incremental change? Such as FIL must pay rent and his own cost of living? Wife must move out to a nursing facility? You are moving out to file divorce? maybe FIL must pay his own way or move out?
lots of choices. First figure out what you want your situation to be...than set the goals to reach that.
I think you know what needs to be done you just want someone to confirm it for you. LEAVE. Its too late to set boundries with Dad. Let him and her daughter take care of your wife. You have let ur feelings be known and no one cares. Actually, you are being punished for having them. See a lawyer and find out what your obligations are. I don't think this marriage can be saved. You've tried. Sorry.
You are still young. Eventually you will find someone else. Enjoy the rest of ur life. The situation ur in will only make you more resentful and angry.
After you see a lawyer and know where u stand, tell your wife that you feel invisible. You are not needed. You understand her illness but it doesn't stop her from doing what she wants when she wants. But doesn't seem to be with you. I know couples that have chronic illnesses in their marriages and they can still make each other happy.
Like I said, I think you know what you need to do for yourself. Do it and never look back. It was good when it was good but it no longer is. You have outgrown each other. Good Luck and come back with an update. We love them.
Fibromyalgia has been proven to get less intense with physical activity. So your wife needs to make better choices for herself to get better, she is obviously using her condition to justify her bad behavior. Being sick sucks, but her choices only make it worse and add to the underlying problems.
As the man of the house you should tell your father in law that the free ride has ended and he needs to start contributing or find a new address. This is just ignorant of your wife to believe that your family should support her dad in times of shortage. Sorry but he doesn't sound like much of a man to live off another man. I would talk to him privately and make it very clear that he makes it right and starts paying his way right now or the consequences could be extreme, as in he now takes care of your wife because you are gone. He doesn't get to leave his other children money because he lived off of you, what?
I don't think that you should threaten divorce, but we all know that an alcoholic is a nightmare to deal with and she needs to get sober before anything can truly be fixed in your marriage. You are right to have stood by her through her illness, but drinking is a choice and it is detrimental to everyone around her. Your children are learning that alcohol stupors are a choice and an option for hard times or bad feelings. They are also seeing that you can use anger to keep anyone from questioning your behavior. Not something that anyone needs to see 1st hand every day.
Please seek a counselor that will help you find your footing and then you can be strong and address each issue one at a time. I know that your FIL paying his fair share will help you feel less resentful towards him, right now he is using you and has used up all your good will.
Kudos to you for trying to find a way to salvage your marriage, remember, it is a two way street so it will take both of you, but not her drunken self, her sober self will be the only way to really salvage the relationship.
First of all, let me say that I am truly sorry that you are dealing with this situation. Many of us have had the challenges of our parents living in our homes.
Things change after a parent moves in. They just do, for a variety of reasons. We all have our own circumstances. You also have the additional complications of your wife being ill and a drinking problem. Has your wife had a second opinion on her illnesses to see if there are alternative treatments?
You have reached out for help. I did the same thing awhile back. I didn’t know where to turn either.
I am very grateful to this forum. I also sought help from an objective professional therapist. Therapy helps. In the end though, it was my decision to make, just as it is yours.
Personally, I feel that your wife’s daughter was out of line by asking you to confide in her. She isn’t an outside objective professional. I get that you regret your decision to speak to her.
She put you on the spot, caught you off guard and I suppose that you would have felt awkward to reject her offer. In reality, she was imposing on your privacy as a family member.
Marriage is a series of joy and sorrow, ups and downs, challenges and achievements, right? Are you standing on shaky ground? Do you feel there is anything left in your marriage to work with to rebuild?
Are you interested in seeing a therapist with your wife or alone? Would she participate in counseling?
A few months ago I decided to ask my mom to leave our home. Transitional times are never easy. Afterwards, I felt like the weight of the world was lifted off of my shoulders. My husband and I feel that we made the best choice for us.
I sincerely wish the very best for you and your family. There is no right or wrong answer. It’s about choosing what is best for you. Feel free to vent as needed. We are here for you.
No judgment from me. Take care 💗.
I'm surprised it worked the once.
Look. You are at a fork in the road. One direction will take you out of your marriage. The other will take you back to it.
Pick one. It is for NOBODY to tell you which you should pick. But be clear in your own mind about what you're doing. Don't head for the hills and keep looking over at the other route. Don't follow the keeping together route and then indulge in quick detours.
There are many factors at play, all of them influential. Your FIL's bereavement, the choice to invite him to your home, your wife's chronic ill health, your own legitimate needs and habits. But none of them is decisive. YOU are responsible for your own decisions, you are not a helpless pawn in the hands of fate.
When I suggest setting time aside for your wife, for example: perhaps one skill you could practise usefully is - being bored and doing nothing.
Your wife is extremely depressed. Until she is in a position to begin her recovery, avoiding having absurd expectations of her.
That probably felt to you like a nice, easy, open offer; no pressure, no time limit. I'm sure that's what you meant it to be, and I'm sure if she were ever to take you up on it you'd follow through.
But it's no good at all, because you've left the ball in her court: it just won't happen.
Do it the other way round. Drop everything, for certain slots in the week which you decide. Then if she's having a good day, great - go out, go and see her grands, (not now, obviously, but soon); and if she's not having a good day then don't go out - stay in and run her a bath.
So: what was the clinical psychologist's professional advice? Ten minutes isn't a lot to go on, but did she voice any opinion at all?
I see your point in the "drop everything," but there are challenges there because the day to day of how my wife feels in unpredictable. There are plenty of times when I might have gone into the office on the weekend, come home around 2p and she's still sleeping, and when she gets up I would say something like "how about the two of us go out to dinner tonight?" That has worked maybe once in the last 2 years. More often the response is that she is just too tired, has a migrane that day, feels icky, or already had plans to make something else that she wanted for dinner.
Space constraints didn't permit me to add this part, but I also want to mention that my wife has a daughter from a previous relationship. She was a teenager when we got involved together, and she and I have never been close - not adversarial, I was just never a father figure nor did I expect to be. My wife's relationship with her daughter has always been hot and cold (her daughter's doing, not my wife's) and lately they are very close. Her daughter is actually a clinical psychologist, and my wife used to hate it when she would try to psychoanalyze her like a patient. About a year ago her daughter came to me knowing that we were struggling, and asked me to confide in her and she would give me her professional opinion. I did, and told her that I was unhappy with her grandfather living with us and that the relationship between her mother and I had become more caregiver-like, and that I was very depressed over it. We talked for maybe 10 minutes, and she seemed helpful and encouraging at the time, but since then I have basically been shut out from her life. She has small children, who both my wife and I adore, but they never come over any more. My wife, when she can, also spends an afternoon here and there with them at her house. I think that's great, but at the same time I feel rejected. I have told my wife many times that if she is having a good day where she is able to go out, call me and I'll drop everything and we'll spend time together, any time of day. That has never happened. I almost feel like my wife is just waiting out her days until I can't take it any more and I leave. She is at this point not capable of earning a living on her own and it would take a divorce settlement to ensure her livelihood.
I really regret now opening up to her daughter, which has only made it harder for me to come forward to anyone else and talk about it. Thank you to everyone for listening and providing your feedback.
I have fibro for 63+ years and I don't take meds or drugs/alcohol and I have always had brain fog as most people do with fibro. I do drink something with caffeine in it to help my concentration. Truly, the alcohol takes the fibro fog to a horrible stupper.
Now that I've said that, I'll say more. Excessive alcohol consumption WORSENS both Lupus and Fibromyalgia, as your wife should well know. Not to mention, drinking to this degree can and does cause alcohol induced dementia and other forms of dementia such as Wernecke-Korsakoff Syndrome. So, your wife's brain fog is likely due to her excessive alcohol consumption; in other words, her own doing. She's an alcoholic.
Your FIL should be paying rent and sharing expenses to live in your home. In what universe does any person live free of charge? And why should they?? Has your wife any idea what it costs to live in Assisted Living, or even Independent Senior Living if he's not in need of help? Well, I think she's going to be in for a rude awakening once you go and collect lots of nice brochures on that very subject, because it's time to boot daddy out of your house now.
Enough is enough.
Lots of people have chronic health conditions, me included. That doesn't give me the right, however, to make my husband's life a torture chamber, or drink myself into oblivion, or to invite my 93 year old mother to live in our house and then spend the whole day either sleeping, lounging on the couch watching tv, or sucking down bottles of wine. Or complaining that he 'spends too much time out of the house at work' earning the MONEY that's required to finance my PARENT living in the house and my expensive alcohol addiction.
Come on! It's time to have a Come To Jesus meeting with your wife and lay down some new rules. Like nobody is going to unload cases of booze from the car anymore, for instance. And that daddy needs to move out. I'm not sure why you're trying to salvage this marriage at this point, but perhaps a therapist could help. But she'd have to be willing to do HER part here, which will mean going to AA meetings to get sober. Is that likely to happen, do you think? Because if your answer is no, then there is nothing left to salvage.
Save what's left of YOUR life, that's my suggestion. Your wife seems to have chosen her path and now you feel forced to stay on that path WITH her. You are not wrong to feel the way you do, not at all. My question is why have you put up with this for so long??
Wishing you the best of luck taking your life back.