My wife and I have been married for 25 years. We have 2 adult children in college still living at home. 4 years ago my wife's father moved in with us after the passing of his wife. My wife also suffers from a chronic illness that is very debilitating for her. What I am about to go into might make you think that I am a terrible person for feeling the way that I do, but I feel like I have no support network and no one to talk to, coping with my feelings is difficult, and need to get some things off my chest.
The bottom line is that while our lives have dramatically changed over the last 4 years, I feel that my father-in-law living with us was the trigger that started to tear at our marriage, and continues to hasten it's decline.
My wife is 12 years my senior, she is in her early 60's, I just turned 50. She has had a chronic illness that we have dealt with for 20 years, with lots of highs and lows. When she was down, I was Mr. Mom. When she was feeling good, she was active with the kids and school activities, and we did lots of things together as a family as the kids were growing up. But her health has worsened in the last 2 years to the point where she is rarely able to leave the house and has little strength to do anything other than shower, get dressed, and sit on the sofa watching TV. She sleeps at least 12 hours per day, going to bed around 1-2 AM and getting up late in the afternoon.
Physically, we lost our connection about 2 years ago. She had been going through the motions of trying to maintain physical intimacy for about the last 5 years, and I give her a lot of credit for that, but it was evident that it was painful and taxing for her, and not pleasant for me. We talked about it and decided it needed to be given up.
Her illness also brings with it impaired cognitive ability, or a "brain fog" that almost has the same effect of drunkedness. By the end of the day the fog takes over and I cannot have a serious conversation with her about anything really. She often gets mean with me and accuses me of marginalizing her. As an aside, she does drink heavily (I think), consuming 1-2 bottles of wine per night, but says she does it because she hurts, and disputes the volume she drinks. I gave up trying to talk to her about her drinking because she would just get mad at me.
Now to my father-in-law. He is in his 80's, is physically independent and does not require hands-on care. Since he moved in he has become the center of everything - he is just always there and his presence sucks all the air out of the room. He has little self-awareness or respect for other people's need for privacy. I feel like he has taken over our household and I just don't like being around him. Don't get me wrong - I think he is a wonderful person, I just can't stand living with him. I told this to my wife about 3 years ago, and her response to me was that she hopes he dies soon. I know she didn't really mean or want that, and told her that was a horrible thing to say, but at the time I think she was just in some kind of marriage defense mode and wanting to make me happy. Keep in mind her impaired cognition as well.
My father-in-law does not contribute financially to the household, though he is able to. My wife won't hear of it. Even during a time of serious financial peril last year, I asked her if we might consider asking her father to help out with expenses. She was furious, and instead said that we should borrow money from my parents.
I am also an active volunteer and leader in our community. I very much enjoy these activities, as it gives me a sense of fulfillment, and recognition from others for the things that I do that I no longer receive at home. My wife thinks I spend too much time out of the house at work or volunteering, but I feel that I need to do something that I like because I don't like being at home. I know this is one sided, am I wrong for feeling the way that I do? Should my father in law go? Can my my marriage be salvaged?
Even with that, I do not sleep 12 or 16 hours a day, or stay on the couch. Yes, I have a limited amount of energy, just like your wife. So I might do some laundry, shower, and make a grocery run - but then I’m done until I’ve taken a nap. But then I can fix supper.
So, I think it may be depression and alcohol holding her down, not fibromyalgia and lupus. Those certainly limit her activities, but they don’t wipe them out altogether.
She needs a doctor appointment, and you need to be there with her, to make sure she tells the doctor the whole story. She needs an antidepressant or two and AA. Then her life will be a different story.
If she is willing to do those two things for you, your marriage may have a chance. I wish you all the best, you certainly deserve good things.
P.S. FIL has got to go!
What a hideous dilemma.
Years ago, I dated a man who was leaving a 25 year marriage that produced 4 children. The divorce nearly cost him his sanity and drained him of an enormous amount of wealth, but he left because his wife had CHECKED OUT! (Severe narcotic and alcohol dependency)
In the end, her enraged diatribes and the money he lost were a small payment for the INCREDIBLE increase in emotional well-being that he gained as a result of stepping away from a dead marriage.
This is such a multifaceted situation.
A: Your wife has chosen her father and her alcohol over you. SHE abandoned the marriage!!
B: Your FIL has NO CONCERN for your financial or emotional well being. Why is your wife refusing to let him contribute financially? Again, she isn’t for YOU here.
C: I agree with the other posters that this is a deeply complicated and codependent relationship all the way around. Melody Beatty has some excellent books that relate to codependency. As a chronic caregiver, I’m well aware of the difficulties in setting boundaries. However, NOT doing so will cost you spiritually, emotionally and physically. Have you asked yourself why you don’t value your needs more? If you download the Calm App, the mediation for today (3/28) is about caregivers and how to self-sustain.
You entered into a relationship with a chronically ill woman, yet not knowing what the grind of being a caregiver might cost you after 25 years. As others have said, her choice to self-medicate and hide ARE choices.
She’s using guilt right and left, so because of her manipulative way of engaging with you, I don’t predict that you’ll be able to find a cohesive path together.
My amateur diagnosis is that she, too, suffers from codependency and cannot bear the idea of kicking her father out, owing to her sense of loyalty and guilt.
Until she sees that her decision to house her father is going to end her marriage, she may not be amply motivated to insist on change.
Perhaps there are halfway compromises such as insisting that your FIL leave the house on weekends or that he give you dedicated family time to yourselves.
Maybe he’ll find connections out of the home that will give him the courage to find a better life for himself.
I feel for you and hope you take solace in these words from strangers. You sound like a wonderful person.
Best of luck!
“When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.” Paulo Cohello
And there are consequences. Whatever your wife’s health problems, alcohol is making them worse. It’s a cause of her dreadful sleep pattern. It’s a reason why she wants nothing to change. It’s part of her being unreasonable.
Hard fact number two is that her father is a user. He doesn’t contribute to the household, either in work or financially. He is using a future ‘inheritance’ as a carrot, and many many people can tell you that it rarely works out well. Either it will be spent eventually on medical care, or it will be split in the family in a way that doesn’t benefit you and your wife, or he will develop nice little habits like gambling or a grasping ‘girlfriend’. He is quite young and fit enough for that outcome. He will keep using you while you let it happen. Is he helping to provide the alcohol to your wife?
Hard fact number three is that you are finding other things much more rewarding than being at home. All your voluntary work may be good in itself, but it is currently being the best alternative to an impossible home. It’s a danger to your marriage. All you need to do is meet someone better, and you are quite likely to be out of there.
Hard fact number four: you are paying for all this. Without your money, it falls in a heap. YOU are the one propping it all up.
Yes, your marriage may be able to be salvaged, but it will be hard. It will only happen if you force your FIL out of the house and stop the booze to your wife. Contact AA for advice. Then give FIL a deadline for leaving. If you do this now, things will be very rocky but may eventually improve. If you don’t, then you will live ‘on the rocks’ until it falls apart anyway.
Yes, I do have a lot of sympathy for your horrible situation, and I can imagine how hard it will be to change anything. You need support, and more personal support than you can get on this site. Call AA, find a counsellor. And if you are a believer, pray a lot.
My sister in NH with dementia-she is needy but I don't mind at all she can't help it. Others could change if they wanted or no one would give in to their demands. I had wanted to bring sis here to my house when last community was neglectful and we did not find a new acceptable place 6 months of looking.
Spouse was not in favor but was agreeable in the need to get sis out of awful place. At the last second we got a call-saved my sanity and my family from who knows what as sis continues to decline. I want to give my all to her-she is lost and confused in her new surroundings-due to corona I can't go see her.
Now that my current family unit is work from home due to corona-there is a lot of together time with them which is nice for a change. After doing all the big housekeeping stuff I have not done for 6 months since my sister came to live in my area-at my suggestion due to her problems. My house is clean, orderly and calm. I now have time for self.-I had forgotten what that felt like-happy. I feel like the old me again.
I agree with other posters you have to make time for yourself you have been the one keeping the ship afloat- take a break from the others who are causing you grief-see how they manage on their own. Get counseling and support for yourself might be helpful. Maybe after a few months others will be ready to discuss possible real solutions.
Here is one - Reformers Unanimous. ReformU.com. (You will have to type it into your browser window.)
Your father in law has interfered in your lives. It would most likely be best if he lived elsewhere.
A temporary situation is different than a long term existence. I dealt with this too. Multi generational living is difficult to endure.
Excessive drinking is an issue that is damaging to relationships. Your wife has to do this for herself first.
A good therapist will tell their patient that they must do things for themselves.
Anything done just to please a spouse or anyone else and their heart is not in it won’t last. Yes, we should want to please others but we have to want change for ourselves first.
If she is not seeking this change, don’t bother to waste your time and effort. One old cliche is true, “You can lead a horse to water but can’t make them drink it.”
Having said that, I am sure that you are aware that an alcoholic cannot and should not quit cold turkey. They are at risk of having grand mall seizures stopping abruptly.
They have to detox with professional help. She needs rehab. I know a woman who flatlined due to excessive drinking issues.
Thank God, they were able to revive her. She has two beautiful children and that was her wake up call. She has been sober for many years now.
Rehab, my friend. That is what helped her. It is the only proper way for your wife to stop drinking. If she wants the help, there are plenty of programs available.
Your wife’s daughter doesn’t need to interfere in your life. She clearly overstepped her boundaries.
Best wishes to you and your family. Vent anytime. Take care. We are in a crisis with this virus and you have your own crisis on your hands as well. You will figure it out. You are searching for answers. You will find them.
Are there online Al Anon programs now? I bet there are.
Yeah, this virus is stalling everything for the time being. The focus is on healing and prevention which is top priority!
Where I would start is to get Dad another place to go. If he recieves any benefits find that out, if he is retired military find that out, if he is medicaid approved find that out, if there is homes or facilities that would house such a individual find that out ASAP. If he recieves Medicare find out what he has available to him. Go to usa.benefits.gov THERE is benefits that may apply to both you and your spouse as well as yourself. Find out what the daughter can reasonably do. No one I think is there to run you crazy it just called depending heavily on one individual. Also get help for yourself like talking with a counselor, a Bible instructor who can spend time with you sharing what positive information it can help you with in solving problems. Also look for local agencies that can help you with your cituation. Find your father a social worker who can provide all the resources available.
Have a blessed day and be safe