Our mother has mild dementia and is 92. For years, we had caregivers take care of her at her home about 2 hours away but eventually it became too risky and nerve wracking and we moved her against her will to the best memory care retirement home near us. Whenever I visit, she says she is being shut away in a prison, why did I do this to her... She is an expert at making me feel guilty. She says she can take care of herself, but then asks me how to turn on the TV in her room (frequent question), she thinks she is back in England, cannot remember anything, etc. I tell her she has dementia and needs care and she denies it and starts again with the guilt trip.
Would she be safe at home?
Would her home have been a safe place for her even if she had caregivers?
Could you safely care for her?
Now ask this
Is she safe where she is?
You have done nothing to feel guilty about.
You are doing what you can to keep her safe.
You are not a felon. You are not an evil doer who gets joy from Mom's pain. Such a person should feel guilty and of course never would.
Guilt assumes you have another choice. You don't. It assumes you are perfect and can fix everything. You can't.
The correct G-word here (and words we say to ourselves matter) is GRIEF. You are grieving what Mom is having to live through, what you cannot fix or make better for you or for her. You can move to the H word of hopeless for yourself, because you have no answer and cannot do a Mrs. Fix-it on this and have it all come right.
Tell Mom you are sorry. Tell her you are doing the best for her that can be done right now and you understand her pain and her anger. Try to divert attention to some nice small trip to the gardens or whatever. Keep visits shot when they cause distress by your being there.
If you cannot in these small ways of speaking to yourself let go of the GUILT-word, then see a Licensed Certified Social Worker trained in counseling so that you can speak of these life transitions for a few hours with you, and so you can understand that your own grief makes you--guess what--a GOOD person, not a BAD one. Because BAD people don't suffer from guilt for one second; they don't care enough about anything or anyone to feel a thing.
My heart out to you and I wish you the very best.
On that basis ALONE, YOU are freed from listening to ANYTHING SHE SAYS.
SHE is not making YOU “feel guilty”. YOU are allowing YOUR DOUBTS to commingle with her unfortunately distorted comments, and make life uncomfortable for you.
Your brain KNOWS why she has been placed, that she is safe and well cared for. Let those thoughts SHOVE the inaccurate, inappropriate, guilt producing thoughts OUT OF THE WAY.
Guilt is always what we as caregivers do, not what the agent being cared for does.
You had NO CHOICE when you placed her that could make ANYONE “HAPPY, but you chose a place where she was SAFE AND WELL CARED FOR.
You did the right thing. When she starts her accusations against you, tell her you love her and will see her soon, give her a hug, AND LEAVE, no matter how short the visit was. Her negativity is not good for either of you.
By the way, she’s lucky to have you.
my mom said to me the other day that if she had known she would end up like she is , she wouldn’t have moved… my response was , who would have taken care of you….
I don’t feel guilty, nor should you. Remind yourself as she talks , of that…
My mom wants to move in with me. I am physically unable, ( she can no longer stand) and I am mentally/ emotionally unable as well to do that.