My sister and I have always been very close and do lots of things together and talk everyday. Since we have become full time caregivers of our parents along with our full time jobs and families our relationship seems to be changing. We are both tired and stretched thin taking care of dad who is mostly blind, cannot hear, and has mobile difficulties at 91. Mom is much younger at 78 but her issues are cognitive and she recently broke her hip. The doctor appointments seem endless and trying to schedule around work is hard. Seems we disagree much more often and are only doing something together if we happen to both be at our parents cleaning or caring for them. How have others salvaged their sibling relationships?
I have a sister that I have a great relationship with, one that I cherish very much. I feel so terribly for people who only have strained sibling relationships; when it comes right down to it, there is really no one else on the face of the Earth that you share so much background with.
Since I haven't split caregiving with my siblings, I can't give you a "oh, we did this and it worked for us..." but rather I will give you some thoughts as to what I might try were I in your position.
First and foremost: being exhausted is not good on any relationship, be you parents of a newborn or caregiving an elderly LO. BOTH of you need to get some decent rest - I know that's hard, what with working all day and caregiving all night. Maybe set up a schedule that one or the other of you is "off" every 4th night (ie: Monday night, both on; Tuesday night, you're off: Wednesday night, both on; Thursday night, she's off) - keep your phone handy for an emergency, but make sure you only use it for a true emergency.
Try to carve out a night every few weeks or once a month for both of you to be off to do stuff together - much like you would do with a spouse. The relationship between you and your sister is precious as well, and since it is so important to you it's ok to give it some dedicated time.
Understand that everything will not always be equal and equitable. This is the hardest part of any relationship. It's why I cringe when I hear people talk about marriage being "equal". Not that I think that one person's worth is less than the other; but in every relationship there are going to be things I do better, or enjoy doing more than my spouse and vice versa. Or things that I have more time for than he does. But once you start "keeping score" so to speak - this week, I made 5 meals and you only made 2, you mowed 3/4 of the lawn and I did 1/4 - it starts to feel more like a competition, and in a competition there are winners and losers. That mindset doesn't help foster happy relationships.
If you find yourself disagreeing about minor issues, I expect that's more exhaustion and frustration talking. However, if your disagreements are on major issues, then you need to really have a heart to heart about what your long term plans are going to be. If, for instance, your sister's mindset is "once mom/dad reaches this stage, we need to place them in a facility" and yours is "I want to keep them at home longer than that", you need to be brutally honest with each other without recriminations or trying to force your mindset on the other.
At the end of the day, once your parents are gone, I imagine you still want to have a close relationship with her. You are both incredibly lucky that you have each other to rely on - so many of us here don't have that added support of a hands-on sibling - but if it's getting to be too much for one of you, it's time to begin exploring other options. But you can only get there is you are both honest with each other without getting mad at each other.
Good luck!
It's great that you and your sister are close, and that you have allies in each other. The kind of work you are doing is taxing, emotionally and physically. It seems that maybe you can rest in knowing that you are close, and will be close in the future. Maybe you can find peace in that right now each of you have to take care of your needs first, and fully focus on taking the space for your well being and trust that you will find time for each other again. I wish you and your sister well!
I have been taking care of my 90 year old dad for a few years now. As time has passed he is progressing in dementia and it's been difficult for one of my brothers. He has pulled away quite a bit from helping with dad's care and at first it made me quite angry and resentful. After a while I realized that I need to focus my energy on keeping me well and allow him to deal with his emotions as he needs to. One thing I have learned is that what is happening to my father is not happening to me and my brother, and while I was keeping score with him in the beginning it isn't necessary and shouldn't impinge on our relationship as siblings. We are feeling all the emotions and we need to put them somewhere, usually at the one who is in front of us. I learned it doesn't have to be that way.
I would invite your sister out for breakfast or lunch away from it all, and discuss the never ending medical appointments and which appointments can be cut back. It sounds to me like both you and your sister are on the caregiving hamster wheel and need to get off of it. If you can't have a conversation - and come to agreement - about medical appointments, then you know that you both need help with figuring out the future caregiving needs of your parents. Maybe bring up hiring a geriatric care manager because both of your parents need very different things.
I hope your parents important paperwork - durable power of attorney both medical and financial, living wills, etc. - is already in place. If not, you must get this done quickly while your mother is still considered competent to sign such documents.
Be aware that caregiver burnout is insidious. By the time one of you cracks, it's too late. Be proactive and tell your sister that you miss the relationship you once had with her, and that you want to start discussing plans for your parents' futures. This takes time but it may be the kind of project that rekindles the sisterly bond. No one wants to feel like they have no choice but to continue doing the things that are stressing them out.
I had to care for my mom by myself. It made me an emotional cripple. I'm still recovering from this.
You have no idea what "caregiving" means until you have to clean up your own parent diapers, and keeping them clean. I also had to get my bathtub removed replaced with a standing shower. When mom was alive I made sure she would have a bowel movement because on the 3rd day without it she would get impacted...the stool gets so large and hard she cannot pass it. So I marked her bowel movements on the calendar, and if it is on the 3rd day I would have to give her a glycerine suppository. If wearing a diaper, their private parts must also be kept clean to prevent urinary tract infection (UTI). Stool causing UTI can kill them. Elderly women are very prone to UTIs. Since she could not clean herself I had to do it and believe me it was extremely difficult for me to get used to this. But you do what you must, and I do not trust nursing homes.
You also must pay special attention to the SKIN. Paper thin skin means easy skin breakdown which means they MUST be kept clean and not sit on their urine or feces...a tiny abrasion can become a skin ulcer and must be aggressively treated because left alone it can kill the skin and tunnel down to the bone.
I took care of mum to the end and mom's skin was in perfect condition but it was very hard and stressful to keep mom going. When mum died I had to recreate my life from scratch due to decades of caring for her, and it nearly destroyed me. However, I'm working now and working on my Master's degree and managing well. But still missing mom. Not a day goes by I don't cry and cry for her. But I also came to terms with mum's death. At least mum died in the comfort of her own home, surrounded by love, and she never did suffer at all. The hospice nurse came daily near the end of her life to ensure she was comfortable and we never did have to open up that "emergency package" not once. When mum died she opened her eyes, took two deep breaths and died the most peaceful death you can imagine.
Her ordeal of life is over. Mine started..but after a year I'm managing.
Once one and then both of your parents die, the tension with your sister will clear up unless you let unspoken resentments fester, one stops pulling her weight and/or withdraws, or you don’t make a practice of processing what you are going through on a regular basis. You are indeed fortunate to have more than one sibling that is sharing the responsibility equally. It also sounds like you had strong parents with good child rearing skills who inculcated the advantages of strong sibling bonds. All to often on this site, the exhaustion of caregiving a child’s parents is complicated by long standing resentment and hostility that begins to openly manifest when the parent becomes infirm, helpless, or dependent upon a child the parent has physically or emotionally abused, neglected or psychologically wounded. Your journey can and will be tense but peaceful if you bring your concerns regarding your relationship with your sister out in the open now.
I have learned that my best friends are not the siblings that I once adored. Now that I examine my past, I realize that the feelings weren’t mutual.
i hope you and your sister do better than the people in my family, but if you drift apart, take comfort in knowing that many of us have shared this pain.
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