I'm a new girl on the block from New Zealand. I read some things from this forum last night and learnt a few things in that short time. My mum who I look after is pretty much giving up on herself because its getting too hard for her to even think about getting out of bed. The health professionals are so hard on her to get out of bed, exercise, etc., but she's pushing back and it's so stressful to try to enforce what they say she should be doing. I hit a breaking point the other night with her and got so frustrated. I'm sure I'm self-destructing. I'm at the point where I'm wondering if I should just let her do what she wants, which is nothing. I'm tired and it's really affecting my relationship with her. That's not want I want for our last bit of time we have together.
I know little about New Zealand, certainly not enough to know whether you have Palliative Care and Hospice? I would assume you surely must.
Has your Mom done an advance directive? Have you discussed with your Mom what she would wish to have. For instance, does she want dialysis, tube feedings, resuscitation, ventilation if a doctor feels it is needed, or would she decline this.
I spent my life as a nurse. I can tell you that many elders told me that they could not be honest with their own family. The family was in denial of death. The family would "bully them along" in every sense of the word, telling them they CAN get better and they MUST. And here they are pouring out their feelings to a perfect stranger, to their RN.
Please speak with your Mom. If she is of an age and she is tired and wants to rest now, please allow her the dignity of that choice. At the end almost everything is taken from us. Our sight, our mobility, our appetite, a pain-free body, our teeth, and eventually even our own MINDS, all that makes us who we are. Please allow the dignity of a voice that can be heard. Please seek her opinion.
Glad you are here. Hope the Forum is a help to you. I so remember sitting with my own Dad, his telling me how ready he was for the peace of death, how he only wanted to sleep, how difficult for him to get up and how hard he tried "For my girl" meaning my Mom. How he wanted to tell me so many memories including the worst thing he had ever done and couldn't forgive himself for (would that all of us had only that on our ledger at the end).
You will form such a closeness with your Mom if you will only open yourself to hear her.
My heart goes out to you.
Is it possible for her to get up out of her bed and into a favorite chair for several hours a day? Or into a recliner lift chair, that is near a window with a nice view? You may need to shift her into a WC to move her from bed to favorite chair, and to get her back to bed.
Retreating to bed completely creates problems pretty quickly...and her care needs progress to needing 2 people to change her diaper, reposition her in bed, etc. If this is truly what she chooses - once you tell her that you are not going to argue but you are wanting to hear what is important to her...you may find a middle ground.
That can be the difference between care at home and care in a facility, here in the states.
Your health care system is different, and finding out local care options/costs can help find the balance between your mom's desire for rest and reflection, and your desire to to stop arguing with her.
"I am caring for my mother Maggie, who is 76 years old with age-related decline, anxiety, arthritis, depression, hearing loss, lung disease, and mobility problems."
If your mom wants to stay in bed all day, then she needs a hospice evaluation, in my opinion, b/c she's going to develop bedsores if she's not moved every 2 hours, she'll need incontinence briefs and changes every few hours, barrier cream to be smeared on her privates to prevent rashes, ALL sorts of things that YOU will be in charge of if she's bedridden 24/7. If hospice is involved, at least you'll have SOME help. If she's turned down b/c she is thought to have more than 6 months to live, then she will need to fork over the money to have in-home caregivers brought in to care for her b/c it'll be too much for you to do by yourself. Even if she's approved for hospice, you'll need to bring in extra help in addition to hospice in order to deal with all the extra work required due to mom being bedridden. It's a lot.
Sure, mom can choose this option to stay in bed, but there are consequences to those actions, as there are to all actions. And she may not like those consequences when she realizes they cost money AND strip her of her dignity as well.
While mom deserves to 'rest in bed' and be allowed the dignity of that choice, YOU are allowed to also have choices in how much care needs to be brought in to facilitate her staying in bed. She will lose her muscle mass in short order, so moving dead-weight by yourself will be virtually impossible. You'll have no other choice but to hire in home help, at her expense, and she needs to be on board with it if she chooses to become totally bedridden. She will also need to understand the INdignities involved with handing her personal care over to others. Everything is a trade off. Bed baths and changing BM diapers are no fun at all. And, if she's not approaching the end of her life now, how long will she live like this, and what toll will it take on you, her, and the finances?
What does her physician have to say about her health in general?
Wishing you the best of luck with a difficult situation.
There are more options than a) fight her about it every day or b) let her give up and rot to death in bed. If you can describe what's expected of her, and what issues (pain, depression, despondency, obesity e.g.) are stopping her, maybe we can think up some different approaches to try.
To some, it’s like why doesn’t she try harder. After all there are family rooting for her. But she is 91 with all these sicknesses. At some point our elders just want it to be done.
Personally, I think you should leave her alone. Be supportive and gently encouraging that she do a small amount of the work, but if she doesn't, let it go. If it goes on like that day after day, stop asking and everyone should readjust their expectations.