I'm an only child. I can't help my parents because they don't want my help. They need it. But they say they don't. They say I don't know what I'm talking about. I do. They say I micromanage. I don't. I'm following advice from professionals and books on eldercare. But they fight me on everything. They lie. They throw tantrums. They did no financial planning. Have no long term care insurance. And are racking up debt like crazy. I'm done. Can I legally walk away from this?
This is a difficult time period when parents refuse help.
How old are they, and what are their condition(s) medically?
As time passes, they will ask for help, or receive it more readily.
My elderly loved one said "NO" just two years ago, and again, "NO" just one year ago. He now has the POA, and an executor managing his affairs.
You can start by asking them if there is anyone they trust to have their POA
for a time when they will need help.
Others will show up here soon to answer your question:
"Can I legally walk away from this?".
Most legal questions are best asked of an attorney, specializing in elder law, and certified. (NAELA).
It makes a difference, I think, if you reside in the home with them.
What you CAN do (and should do) is call their local Area Agency on Aging and get what is called a "needs assessment". Be present for this because most elders think that they are more capable then they actually are. You can politely let the assessor know what is the real deal.
Have you talked to their doctor?
When did you move in? Why? Can you move out, financially?
Perhaps you need to approach this....
" Dad, mom, I need to move out and get on with my life. We clearly have a differing opinion of how much care you both need; I need to protect myself legally so that I don't get charged with abandoning you. We need to go see a lawyer; let's split the bill for this".
Can you try that approach?
I'm not clear on what the legal issue is. Are you the legal guardian for your parents? Do you have partial ownership of the house? What is keeping you from simply packing up and leaving?
1) Stop paying rent, on the grounds that you can no longer afford it AND you are an unpaid caregiver.
Maybe they will evict you, exercising their own legal rights. Then you are free to walk away?
Unfortunately, it usually will take a big event to kick the process into motion, either a major fall or an accident of some sort which will force the system to work and place them into a type of rehab center to then move on to a Medicaid Nursing Facility if they qualify.
You may also need to take a step back from the situation and regain your sense of identity, as no longer the "only child" but as "independent adult". You may also need to start looking into alternative living accommodations for yourself to physically move out from under the roof. This may give you time to distance yourself emotionally from the situation too.
As an only child I can relate to what you are going through, and I can attest that the moment I moved out, I finally felt like I could breathe. They are your parents, but they are also adults, like you, who are free to make choices. We don't have to agree with the choices, but unless they are directly affecting you they should have no bearing on your life now.
Finally, I read you mentioned you are disabled, are they collecting your disability check? Are they claiming you as a dependent? Those are some real questions that you need to know because you will need to clarify with the appropriate department that when you do move out, you are living independently and they will not be able to claim you as a dependent or take the check.
I fought with my parents as well when I worried about how I would care for both of them (divorced) and living in two different states. My dad died at age 70, and he "fixed it" by becoming estranged from ALL of the family before he died. I had to go identify his body, but he left no will, so there was probate to consider because he also had two living siblings, and THEY had to sign off on not wanting his stuff before the court would consider me as the ADULT child getting his assets. That was interesting to go through.
Now I have my mom, and she has a will, but it took a house fire and neighbors complaining about her feeding 18 outside feral cats and the smell, and others saying that there was something wrong and I needed to do something about it before I could get The Humane Society involved, and DHS involved and get her removed from her house so that I COULD get something done. I was made her POA one day before she put herself in a position that required an emergency admission to a psychiatric facility, and that was about 5-6 months after she had set the house on fire, and I had the Humane Society at her house. Everyone was relieved, but I also got an emergency guardianship over her because no one else in the family wanted any part of it, and I wanted to help her since she was my mother. I lived in another state, so I had to have the guardianship transferred over to that state after I got her moved near me, and it has been a horrible experience all the way around with her finances in shambles, me not knowing a lot of stuff that was kept from me over the years, etc. I would contact an attorney and see if they could get a court appointed guardian for your parents if you do not want to do this for them. The attorney will know your state's laws. Good luck!
Also, recommendations of lawyers. The last two lawyers I have been involved with charged me 5k just as a retainer. Lot of money if you don't have it.