I catch myself thinking that I will feel lost after my mom dies. What has been your experience after losing a parent? Please share.

Mom, is gone. I feel pretty bad and empty, honestly. It's almost a year now. I am an orphan. I am starting to get back into a "normal" life style. I am slowly taking my head out of the sand...

Mom is an important part of my life. I remember when her mother died. She would wake up in the middle of night, and just start crying. I do that too. I can't sleep a lot of the time.

You don't get over it, you go through it, sometimes roughly, and sometimes calmly. Every day is different. I miss my parents. Losing dad was hard; losing mom was that much harder. We took care of eachother for many years. She lost her sister, I gave her a reason to keep going, I had a baby for her to look forward to seeing and helping out.

Mom got ALZ, we danced together.

Take it easy, go slow, it is a process, and talk to her in your heart , out loud, whatever it takes. She hears you, and most likely will answer you too :)

You are not going to happily bounce back, no way, you love your mom, but with your family and friends, you will get through it. It is okay.

When my dad got cancer, I was afraid to talk about the 'END'. No way was I going to have that conversation. I had to, we had to. He got cancer. With mom, there wasn't talking about it, she got ALZ. Towards the end, she couldn't talk. I ache thinking about it.

It will take time, but you will get there. Eventually, I will get there too.

There is no set time for grieving to stop... It is a "wound" and it will heal with time, hopefully... Yes, but there may be some sort of scar.

Your question is one many caregivers ask... you're not alone...
You need to start now participating
in activities outside of caregiving. It's not wrong to do things socially, with
family and friends... it's a necessity. So many caregivers have only caregiving
as their life that when that "job" ends there is a huge void.
It's imperative to create a life
separate from your mother, and from your caregiving responsibilities... Attend
your place of worship... get involved in activities there, or participate in a
meet-up of an interest you have... hiking, cooking, cards, dancing, etc...
schedule a short vacation to start, go out to dinner with your husband and/or
friends and leave caregiving topics at home... start now doing things you are
currently putting off... It's imperative and doing things outside of your
caring for your mother will actually make you more compassionate and caring
because you're also caring for yourself and your other relationships.
Yes, you will miss your mother and
the time you have spent together, but it is so important not to put everyone
and everything else on hold... I know both personally and professionally what
that does to our lives...
Start small and you'll discover
that you can have a life now outside of caregiving.
and we breathe...

My Mom died 2 years ago. Even now, not a day goes by that I don’t think of her.

i went on to live the life of travel we planned...everything I do reminds me that we were going to do it together.

i miss her. I always will

Go out on some dates with your husband and go travel with him and your daughters. Are you afraid that after this many years as a caregiver that you need to get to know everyone all over again? I can understand that. I wish you the best.

MayDay,

I find your answer so touching. I feel your heart in your words. I had the same feelings for my dad, ‘daddy’s little girl.’ I adored my father. He died in 2002. He was so easy to care for. I was busy bringing him back and forth to the speech therapist and so forth, after the heart surgery and stroke he was never the same. My father was a gentle, humble soul.

I know I grieved for him but was still so involved in caring for mom. I think when mom is gone it will hit me harder.

Mom was still in her home when my dad died. I did the driving back and forth, shopping, doctor appointments, banking, etc. Then hurricane Katrina hit. All hell broke loose, thank God for the wonderful people in Texas that welcomed so many of us from New Orleans. Was hard being cramped into a hotel suite with my girls, hubby and mom. Hotel rooms in Houston were scarce due to so many people flooding their city.

I decided to call a good friend of mine who moved to Houston to have lunch with her, and she asked us to stay with her until we were allowed to go back to New Orleans.

She has a huge house in Texas, a wonderful son and husband and that made our time away much nicer. I will never forget her hospitality. She’s a wonderful friend.

My mom couldn’t return home, nine feet of water, home had to be demolished. We took her in, it was getting to be time for her not to be alone. I had asked her to move in when my father died but she wanted to remain home and I respected that. After the storm, she looked at me and said, “Okay, I will move into your house now.” I guess you might say that Hurricane Katrina made the decision for her. It was an emotional time for all of us. That was my childhood home.

Everything in mom’s house had been knocked off the walls except my graduation picture. Isn’t that funny? My nephew said that it was a symbol of being a survivor.

I do fear feeling like an orphan like you. Is that silly? I am 63!

I cried when I read you danced with your mom, so sweet. We become so intimate when we care for our parents, don’t we?

I loved your response. It helps to see how others are coping. Thanks, MayDay.

Loren,

I know that you are right. I do know. It’s the logical answer. It is. Just hard. Thanks so much. Food for thought.

Katie,

I think that is how I will be. Thinking of her continually. We become so intimate in caregiving.

cmagnum,


I think I have forgotten how to think of myself because she has been my whole world. I do want to have a part of life for me though.

I can’t actually put my finger on it. I just catch myself drifting off wondering how I will deal with it all. Am I going to fall apart? Will I be numb? Will I feel relief? Relief from doing so much for her. Is feeling relief wrong? I want to do activities that I miss. I’m just not sure what I will feel other than missing her, being relieved that she is no longer in discomfort due to her Parkinson’s disease and so forth. Mom says to me, “It’s hell being old.” Makes me not to want to become really old like her but I want some time left with my husband, grown children and friends.

The thought of time alone with hubby is so sweet to me. I miss that. My mom did not do any of this with her mom. Grandma lived in her own house and still drove! Grandma died at 85, not being sick, just dropped dead one day, her heart just stopped. It’s what she wanted. She always told me that she didn’t want to suffer for a long time like my grandpa did. Well, God answered her prayers! It’s how I want to go too!

You will likely feel relief and numbness in a mixed fashion. Feeling relief is not wrong. I would think at first that doing things you have not done in a long time with your husband and your daughters is going to feel awkward at first because it has been so long and her death will be so recent.

If you have not been alone with your husband for 14 years, then that is going to feel like dating all over again. I think that sometimes caregivers are like parents. They get so caught up with who they are caring for that they loose contact with their spouse like some married people do in raising their children. I'm sure you have known of couples who were so caught up in raising their children that they let their relationship with each other slide only to find themselves strangers living in an empty nest.

No one knows exactly how they will react in the future. You may fall apart because she has been your world.

You could do some things now to help prevent that like taking some alone time now with your husband, your grown daughters and your friends. Hire someone to look after your mom while you get out for a break. Taking care of yourself and your relationships like that will feel awkward to start with but it is a way to prepare yourself for the transition when she does die.

You’re right. Magnum

You really are correct in your advice. I thank you for pointing all of this out to me. Yeah, I remember being parents in the earlier days, we fell in love with those kids and sometimes forgot about being a couple. It is a good analogy.

It sometimes takes awhile before couples start to notice each other again. I feel like after the kids moved out that I would have loved having my husband all to myself again. Didn’t work out like that but it surely would have been nice. Of course I love my mom. Just like I love my kids but couples need time just for themselves.

Even just being together all the time, concerning habits or quirks, too much togetherness can work on each other’s nerves.

We welcomed mom into our lives and she was grieving over the loss of her home and belongings, cherished memories ruined, etc. due to Hurricane Katrina. So, we replaced everything. She was starting over. Beginning a new chapter in her life. An adjustment for all of us. It simply never went back to how it was. You know, a healthy balance in a family. She was there! Always! No more privacy, ever!

Also, my husband doesn’t want her to feel left out, so when he surprises me with flowers he buys her flowers too. I find that very touching because we told her when she moved in that it was “our home now, not yours and mine.” We truly felt that way. Plus, we were comforting her after the loss of my dad and the storm, etc. The storm changed all of our lives. However, the most important thing was that we escaped the storm and saved our lives. Many died in Katrina. We were all and still are grateful for that.

I know a few couples who divorced after the storm. They couldn’t handle the stress that occurred with it and sadly their relationship crumbled.

Life has many detours and ups and downs. I have proven that I can ride out a storm but I just want to look forward to relaxing and having fun! Oh, I know life happens and there are always mishaps. That’s fine but I need to know I won’t have some kind of guilt complex. Almost like survivor’s guilt and this is entirely a different situation.

My daughter has a friend that had an awful accident with her long time boyfriend. He died and she literally watched him bleed out and die. She went numb. Shock. She stayed isolated. After awhile she began dating a lovely guy and problems began in the relationship.

She couldn’t become intimate again for fear of losing someone again. The guy was patient but finally told her to take some time away from him to figure it out. I think the big trigger happened when she had to appear in court to settle the case as a witness and it rehashed the memories of the accident so vividly in her mind, guess she was dealing with some PTSD. So sad.

I know that my mom and I have developed some sort of codependent relationship and I get concerned about that.

I want to express my thanks again to this forum. You all are helpful, insightful and compassionate. It means a great deal to me. 💗

Yes, cmagnum.

I tell my husband often how much I love and appreciate him. Of course, I did the same for his mom when she was ill with Lymphoma. I helped care for her. I miss her. She was so sweet and her laugh was so contagious! She had a wonderful sense of humor. She was a fabulous MIL. I often thanked her for raising such a lovely son.

Now my MIL’s mom was a totally different story! She was a miserable woman. My MIL would say that most people learned what to do from their moms but that she learned what not to do from hers. Very sad. I took care of my husband’s grandma when my MIL became ill and it wasn’t easy! She complained before being sick, during and even wrote hate letters to everyone before she died. Most want to make peace with others before dying. not her! She was a mess! I suspected she had mental issues but wouldn’t speak to a doctor, therapist or even the parish priest.

cmagnum,

I do have to try not to over do for mom. Awhile back after mom’s fall the doctor ordered home health with nurse, physical and occupational therapy. The nurse and therapists told me that I was doing too much and to back off where I could. I’m learning. They also encouraged mom to do what she could. Although, she hated their expression, “Use it or lose it!” She was exhausted when they left the house. She’s supposed to continue the exercises but it is hard to motivate her to do it. I usually say that it is time for ‘our’ exercises and do them with her like her therapists did. Especially the ones for balance because the falls scare me to death.

Home health was excellent. They do a great job and it is much needed for the elderly.

Sigh. Because you asked.... yes, since my MIL died, there has been a whole gamut of emotions! Since it was so sudden and unexpected, there was the shock of course. Then numbness and disbelief. Sadness. Loneliness. Missing her. A little resentment, that she's gone and I don't have her to talk to, and yes, I'll own that that's selfish but there it is! Let's see, what else? Oh yes, guilt, because I thought perhaps it was time to talk to her about not driving any more, and I didn't. But the signals were subtle, so I wasn't sure.

But yes, there is some relief. The house is mine now. I took down some pictures I didn't like. I've added some plants. I don't watch the news every time it comes on, and there are no more shootemup westerns on the TV, at all, ever. Instead I have Pandora playing beautiful music. I don't have to wash every mixing bowl and pan before I can use it - she insisted on "helping" in the kitchen but didn't see well, bless her heart!

So yeah, there are things I miss about her. And things about her being gone that are kind of a relief. I suppose if we are really, truly honest, it's that way with everyone. I expect my own kids will feel that way about me. And while the funeral home may be playing "Shall We Gather at the River?" they'll be looking at each other and thinking, "Thank God and Greyhound She's Gone!"

You may feel sad and lost for a while, but remember nature abhors a vacuum; your life will fill up with things to do; joyful things. You will reinvent your life!

My mom died of Alzheimer's about 6 years ago.  I was a little concerned that Hubby and I would have nothing to talk about after she passed away, because so much of our lives revolved around taking care of her for 5 years and 3 months, however, despite missing her, after a while, I got back to a somewhat normal routine. Truth is, I was mourning her  a little every day while she was alive, because once Alzheimer's hit, it wasn't really "her" any more, at least not much of the time. I even wrote  a book about our experiences called, "My Mother has Alzheimer's and My Dog has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." I'd suggest trying to find some time for you, even if it's just a cup of coffee and some solitude, or talking with a friend. I found that kept me grounded, so I wouldn't feel a total void as things progressed. If you paint or play the piano, do that for a few minutes. It might be good for everyone.

My late mother was also my very best friend at the time of her death, so I felt a double blow - lost my mom, lost my dearest friend in the world! Mom had (undiagnosed )heart disease, so she dropped dead unexpectedly at age 571/2, but she had also been diagnosed with ovarian cancer. This was in the '70's when there weren't the treatments there are now, so since hers was too large to remove yet hadn't metastisized, the doctors said she could live up to 10 years. I figured I would be lost without her, even though I had to assume some caretaking duties immediately at age 26, so every single day, I tried to imagine life without her and asked God's help to have the strength to do so. When she passed so soon (6 months or so after diagnosed), we were all shocked but I was also glad for her, as the nurse who found her said she didn't suffer and that an ovarian cancer death (especially back then) would not have been nearly as painless. Long story short, I strongly feel that both my faith and my trying to put myself in my own future shoes as a daughter without her mother helped cushion what might have been an almost unsupportable blow. So I recommend you try this yourself. God bless you for all you have done and are doing.

Hello,

Post caregiving is a bit of a shock as a chunk of your life purpose has gone and the void arrives abruptly. But as with everything in life, you do evolve, adapt and recalibrate.

Be patient with yourself as you shift into your post caregiving life and freedom. Ask friends and family for assist now also as having a less abrupt role change may ease the transition and will provide balance now.

Bless you on your journey.

K

Losing my mom felt like a punch in the gut even though both my brother and I knew the end was near and we started preparing ourselves. She had ALZ and pretty much lost all her will to live after my dad passed 4 years ago. She died two years to the day after he did...12/31/14 and 12/31/16 (yes, I lost both parents on New Year's Eve). Her passing was both painful and a relief. She'd suffered so much in her final weeks.

The first several weeks after Mom's passing were a blur of funeral arrangements, contacting family and friends, the funeral itself, emptying out her apartment, probating Mom's will and disbursing the funds between my brother and me per the will. Because my brother is on the autism spectrum I checked in on him frequently. And through it all I kept chugging along running my piano studio and taking care of my husband and our daughter. Sometime around the middle of February, which is a bleak time of year to begin with, I found myself home alone with all this extra time that used to be taken up with caregiving and fell apart. I cried nonstop for hours, finally allowing myself to grieve.

Even after two years, once in a while I still unconsciously pick up the phone around 7 in the evening to call Mom like I used to. Every piece of good news brings the urge to call Mom to share it. Each time the grief feels fresh. It has gotten easier, and it will in its own time for you, too. There's no statute of limitations on grief. My MIL died suddenly of complications of diabetes at age 56 13 years ago and my husband still hasn't really processed it.

But you will learn to create a new "normal" without your mom. You'll eventually be able to think about her with a smile instead of tears. You'll be ok. Hugs to you.

Losing my mom felt like a punch in the gut even though both my brother and I knew the end was near and we started preparing ourselves. She had ALZ and pretty much lost all her will to live after my dad passed 4 years ago. She died two years to the day after he did...12/31/14 and 12/31/16 (yes, I lost both parents on New Year's Eve). Her passing was both painful and a relief. She'd suffered so much in her final weeks.

The first several weeks after Mom's passing were a blur of funeral arrangements, contacting family and friends, the funeral itself, emptying out her apartment, probating Mom's will and disbursing the funds between my brother and me per the will. Because my brother is on the autism spectrum I checked in on him frequently. And through it all I kept chugging along running my piano studio and taking care of my husband and our daughter. Sometime around the middle of February, which is a bleak time of year to begin with, I found myself home alone with all this extra time that used to be taken up with caregiving and fell apart. I cried nonstop for hours, finally allowing myself to grieve.

Even after two years, once in a while I still unconsciously pick up the phone around 7 in the evening to call Mom like I used to. Every piece of good news brings the urge to call Mom to share it. Each time the grief feels fresh. It has gotten easier, and it will in its own time for you, too. There's no statute of limitations on grief. My MIL died suddenly of complications of diabetes at age 56 13 years ago and my husband still hasn't really processed it.

But you will learn to create a new "normal" without your mom. You'll eventually be able to think about her with a smile instead of tears. You'll be ok. Hugs to you.

It's a heartfelt question and an excellent topic. Caregiving overwhelms us because we feel responsible for every little thing, each decision that is life or death, and the routine takes us over. The first thing to remember, IMHO, is that we adjust better than we anticipate and it's the fear and doubt right now that we get out of the way, so to speak, because when the thing we dread takes place, we live through it like every other difficult thing. To me, my parents' deaths brought a sense of profound fulfillment in remembering how I did my best for them.

There are "fun" and "fulfilling" things in life, and don't we love our fun! I predict that just because you're raising this question now, when the time comes you'll have already forged through the most difficult part of accepting the loss and embracing the fun.

If you can try doing some of the things you want to do when....now! You never know what the future will hold.
If you need to get a caregiver in for a few hours so you and your Hubby can go on a date do it! There are all sorts of resources that you can use if you can not afford to pay someone. There are volunteer services, if your Mom is on Hospice they will provide a volunteer, lots of church groups will provide a volunteer as well.
If you have a group of friends that you have not spent time with call a few and ask them to come for coffee or tea one day. You could pick a time when your Mom usually naps or late in the evening when you got her in bed.
Part of the problem with being a caregiver is we loose friends as we no longer have time to go to lunch, go out to dinner, go to a movie. You need to keep those connections. Or rebuild the ones that you had.
Start thinking of what you want to do. Work part time? Volunteer? Travel?
If possible put Mom in respite and take a little trip. Something as short as a week will be amazing and will feel like a month, then it will feel like a weekend all at once. Time has a funny way of contracting and expanding at both times.
And do not feel "guilty" about having a caregiver come in or a volunteer or putting Mom in Respite for a while. You do these things to make you a more effective caregiver and daughter by recharging you. You do not expect your car to run without maintenance do you?...this is maintaining you.

One of the things I learned a long time ago, I read an "essay" that sort of formed my thought process while I was a caregiver for my Husband.
This is that essay.
The Station
Robert J. Hastings
Tucked away in our subconscious is an idyllic vision. We see ourselves on a long trip that spans the continent. We are traveling by train. Out the windows we drink in the passing scene of cars on nearby highways, of children waving at a crossing, of cattle grazing on a distant hillside, of smoke pouring from a power plant, row upon row of corn and wheat, of flatlands and valleys, of mountains and rolling hillsides, of city skylines and village halls.
But uppermost in our minds is the final destination. On a certain day at a certain hour we will pull into the station. Bands will be playing and flags waving. Once we get there so many wonderful dreams will come true and the pieces of our lives will fit together like a completed jigsaw puzzle. How restlessly we pace the aisles, damming the minutes for loitering--waiting, waiting, waiting for the station.
"When we reach the station, that will be it!" we cry. "When I'm 18." "When I buy a new 450SL Mercedes Benz" "When I put the last kid through college." "When I have paid off the mortgage!" "When I get a promotion." "When I reach the age of retirement, I shall live happily ever after!"
Sooner or later we must realize there is no station, no one place to arrive at once and for all. The true joy of life is the trip. The station is only a dream. It constantly out distances us. "Relish the moment" is a good motto. It isn't the burdens of today that drive men mad. It is the regrets over yesterday and the fear of tomorrow. Regret and fear are twin thieves that rob us of today.
So stop pacing the aisles and counting the miles. Instead climb more mountains, eat more ice cream, go barefoot more often, swim more rivers, watch more sunsets, laugh more, cry less. Life must be lived as we go along. The station will come soon enough.

Thank you for this question and thanks to everyone for their answers. I have had this very same wonder about when my mom goes. She's been such a huge part of my life since my dad died, not quite as much since moving her to assisted living in August, but she is still my every day concern. I cry about my dad and my sister at least once a week and it is over 7 years since they died. But I didn't take care of them on a daily basis the way I'm caring for my mom. She isn't near death, so I try to put off the worry. I know I will have plenty to keep me busy, but this care giving, with all it's issues, has been the most meaningful activity of my life.

I feel this exact way. Also I have spent so much time in my home that I find I do not really have the drive to go out for anything. It seems just like another chore. The thing is my mom could go with us but she will not. Lately I feel like she is starting to wind down.

What I've learned:
* The main - or only - preparation for losing a parent is to live in the moment of awareness and gratitude. BE PRESENT.
* You may feel lost. Grieving is different for everyone. What worked best for me was diving into those feelings, not try to avoid them. Grief is real and is a process to get through.
* It is an adjustment. Getting involved again meeting people (church, Meet-Up groups may not feel comfortable at first. Give yourself this emotional and psychological wiggle room.
* Be self-compassionate. Observe how you feel in new situations. Do not judge yourself. See or experience the unknown as an adventure.
* Realize whatever you do, and however you are pro-active, is one step at a time. You may feel very vulnerable, like a child. Embrace your child inside. Give her lots of hugs and support. Gena

My Momma spent 15 years in a NH, she gained her Angel Wings this past April 25. A big piece of my heart is gone. Watching her struggling to breathe & praying to God to take her is something I will never forget. I’m writing this thru my tears. My stepmom would tell me that I should be ashamed of myself for crying while my Momma was rejoicing in Heaven.
My stepmom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, she knew way before she told us. She did her best to put my Dad in a NH before she died. She was wanting to leave both estates to her sons. She died on June 30, I haven’t had time to mourn my Momma.
My Dad has dementia so I am sacrificing my health to keep him in his home. I’m disabled from a brain stem stroke & I am now on a lot of medications for anxiety, crying, PTSD.
I can’t make the decision to put him in a NH, I wish I was strong but I’m not, I am so tired & I pray that I won’t wake up most days. Big hug to you!

Thank you NeedHelp & cmagnum. Cmagnum, I’ve heard of the statistics of caregivers dying before their parent. I’m mentally & physically drained. The wicked stepmom changed her will 4 days before she died. She was on fentanyl & other strong meds. Since she died, I have discovered so many evil things that she was doing. I have finally found a great caregiver & I do get to come to my home Thursday night and return to my Dads Sunday afternoon. When my Dad goes to bed, I will say see you in the morning & he always replies if I wake up, he is 85. I am 54 and I pray to not wake up, I just want to be with my Momma & not have everything weighing me down. I’m so depressed and I don’t know what to do?

Well, I have severe cerebral palsy. Both of my parents are gone. Mom died in thee nursing home with complications (87), and Dad died from lungs cancer (90). Plus both had dementia.

I had thoughts of losing my parents since I was five years old. When I was 36 years old, as I saw my 80-year-old male friend who acted confused, and had onset Alzheimer’s, my depressions, and fears of losing my parents were getting worse. I couldn’t imagine what I would do without my parents. My doctor gave me an antidepressant. At the age of 40, I was beginning to think God was watching me, right after mom recovered from breast cancer, TIA, and my dad was recovering from prostate cancer. Also, the help from the state came through within two years and received several personal care assistants. 

At the age of 44, my mom’s personality was change like her moods were shifting, and arguing with my dad every single day for no reason. I thought it was because he was drinking until he gets drunk every night, but no. On Thanksgiving night, my dad broke his wrist. My depression had become worse. I was thinking “what would I do w/o them?” 

As the end of their lives progressed, I was crying at nights; I didn’t sleep well, worried all the time, and very stressful. I ended up taking care of them as much as I could; a reverse situation of them taken care of me for 47 yrs.

When each of them passed, I felt relieved for them, and me, too. However, I enormously miss my mom’s hugs, cooking, and going out to the theaters, etc. with her. Also, I miss my dad’s sense of humor, going fishing every weekend, and helping me with electronics since I cannot use my hands because of my hands.

The grieving process takes time. To heal the wound in your heart is to talk, think, touch, take, and time (five Ts). Also, writing and/or doing some art help to keep you occupied.

Think of your life with your mom is the end of the chapter, and make room for the new one.

Hugs!

My experience has been that after my late mother passed that I continue to be a part of this forum, else if I did not - I may lose myself.

My mom passed away 3 yrs. ago after a rough time being bedridden on hospice in my home. I cared for her 24/7 for 2 years, and 17 years to some degree before that. My dad passed away 25 yrs. ago and I was close to him. I am an only child and my husband now is too after his sister died. I had a window of trying hard to acclimate to a regular life after my mom died and was progressing, when my husband's sister died suddenly. She was living with my MIL and supposed to take care of her. Now we are all MIL has. I felt like I was thrown right back into it. Plans on hold and worrying hubby getting worse with his heart condition. It didn't help my longtime childhood friend, who was done with caregiving, began to rub it in hard how great her "new" life and home in another state was. She got to run and change her life and boy did she let me know it. I stopped communicating with her.
It took some time and I started small trying to rediscover what I wanted to do....I don't think I had time to do that fully as I got thrown back into the caregiver life. It helps me to keep a jounal and lists of what I might like to do, if I can.