Quick facts: I live with mom. Mom is 79, uses walker (but housebound), visually impaired (blind in one eye) and deaf in one ear. Suspected diabetes but it is difficult for her to agree to see doctor. Aunt (her sister) is 77, recovering from stroke, has some mild cognitive issues but is moving in with us in a month or so and will be receiving home care. (Mom has no home care or housekeeping and has refused it in the past.)
Mom is very territorial, and over the past year has claimed the kitchen as her own space (history: we've lived together for 20 years, so it's not like I'm an interloper). The problem is that this has resulted in the kitchen being unusable for cooking or food prep. All counter space is full of her stuff, oven is being used to store food (!) because she cannot reach cupboards, and she of course insists she has everything under control (she doesn't). My aunt's home aide is going to need a clear space to prep her meals.
My diet is suffering as well because the kitchen is always a wreck, and Mom claims she keeps it clean but obviously doesn't, and reacts angrily when I try to take over cleaning.
I have a feeling that I am always going to have to wait until she sleeps to go in there and clean, but she doesn't have a regular sleeping schedule.
Any strategies that might help?
Here's my advice: set down some boundaries in your OWN HOME and then stick to them. For example:
~ No food items go into the oven for storage
~The kitchen gets cleaned on a daily basis, regardless of who's going to fly into a rage about it
~Whoever doesn't like the above two rules can move OUT.
Good luck.
Ways to make it happen?:
1) You do it, with whatever help you need (and co-worker support could be a big help). Put a cheap temporary lock on the inside of the kitchen door, use it, and ignore objections from the other side.
2) Invite aunt’s carer around for a look. Carer should not agree to transfer her care work to your house until it is a safe environment, both for her and for aunt. It’s a requirement for this plan to work.
But weighing it all up, you have decided (based on world events ie Covid + your own values) that living with you is the preferred option.
Sure a bunch of people in forum-land are collectively groaning Noooooooo (including me). But this is your decision. For now.
So. The kitchen. What to do?
Lead, Follow, Get.
At the moment you are in *follow* mode, following Mom's authority. Also *get*, getting out of her way, cleaning up in secret when you can. (As this is better than a battle).
The other option is *lead*.
A take over.
Tough love.
This is MY kitchen & MY rules stand. From today.
If you don't like it MOVE OUT.
If your Mom & Aunt are functioning at a messy toddler cognitive stage, you as the adult will need to take control. Toddlers running the kitchen is dangerous. Not just sharp knives, but knowing how to store food, spoiled food, keeping vermin away - this is outside their knowledge of course.
Recognising if your elders have lost their independence to prepare & maintain food safely is needed.
I have a LO who is borderline at storing also food adequately, checking usebys etc. Has been suffering many gut issues (I am not surprised). I have strongly pushed for meal delivery, more supervision & more assistance.
I read you work from home?
If so, ask yourself if the combination of working from home PLUS running your own 'assisted living' can work at the same time.
* Be realistic about what you alone can do.
* Extra help will be required.
It is wise to explore all options, get a diagnosis for the reason this is happening, and seriously address the problem. However, do not allow yourself to be intimidated. Tell Mom: "But Mom, when I was growing up, it was you who taught me how to clean up." "I am just doing what you said back then".
How much is Mom going to miss, or even notice if you throw something away when she has a cognitive decline? Start with throwing away everything that is behind the front row of the hoarded stuff.
If you must, clear everything from the counters, clean/sterilize the counters, then put most things back as they were.
I wouldn't be above using some scare tactics here if it gets things done.
How long has it been since she went to the doctor? It might be time for a little fib. Tell her something/anything to make her go to the doctor. "The doctor's office called and said it's past due time for you to come in to be seen and do blood work for your insurance." Make the appointment and take her to it. You should give the doctor a lot of information beforehand so they know what to look at. Go in to the appointment with her to make sure she does not tell tall tales, which many elders do to try to cover their issues.
As far as your question about the kitchen - you're just going to have to do it. I would say "It's unsafe and we can not live this way". The kitchen is a common area not an area for her to be allowed to be territorial over. She can have her bedroom and maybe there's another room but NOT the kitchen.
Besides when mom is sleeping, is there anyway to get her out of the house for a day so you can get some paid help over to assist you? Might need to tell more fibs to make this happen but this is a dire situation and it needs to be resolved.
I would just keep going back to "It's not safe mom and I HAVE to do this for both of our sakes."
Just ignore her when she freaks out. Or say things like "I know this is hard for you mom but I can not allow this any longer". So, maybe she'll be mad at you and yell. Ignore her. Maybe she won't talk to you for a day or two. So be it. Bite the bullet and get it done.
Best of luck in a difficult situation.
She prefers to live as she is but this is not acceptable. It s not hygienic. I don't think there is any way you can do this without upsetting her. That's OK. But, having it impact your own health and nourishment is not OK. It is a line that should not be crossed.
You say your situation is complicated. Everyone's situation is complicated. Dealing with personality disorders, dementia, etc is not simple or easy. I seriously question that everything can be managed well with aunt moving in with her issues. Both aunt and your mother will deteriorate and need more and more care.
To me it seems that you are dependent on your mother for your housing. Is this what is keeping you and them there? Aunt and mother may be better off in a facility - if not now, soon. It very much sounds like you would be better off in your own place.
This is not just a matter of a messy kitchen. This is a matter of the care and welfare of three people, two of which are old, unwell and declining and the other one of which is yourself, who is already suffering from this environment. Perhaps it is time to look at the bigger picture.
I have cleared out a hoarded situation that was affecting me negatively. Did the hoarder like it. Most definitely not. I did it anyway and now that person knows I will not tolerate it.
Very slowly, almost imperceptibly, dH has "taken over" in the kitchen.
I have to 'ask him' where something is, and inside the refrigerator things are packed in there in such a way that I cannot find things. He even takes a fresh roast and shoves it back into the bottom back of the refrigerator until it cannot be found. (Control issues). Then thrown out because it spoiled.
Okay, so I think we could 'share' the space better, organize the space better, and work in the space better...part of the problem is me.
I tried to cook this morning, but came out of there with a cut on my finger from an improperly stored food.
I am going back in there now, with a plastic tub, remove everything from the counter, and cook a meal. I can and will do this, either friendly-like, or if it's a battle, I will win.
This is just joking around to lighten up the situation: I do hope dH survives.
Can they both go to assisted living together, share a suite/room/apartment?
I see this change as a chance for you to take a long vacation until Aunt and her home help arrive and organize the place. Let the consequences lay where they will, but you weren't there. imo.
Tough love, hard to do, but you will get over it, you will survive.
Alternative Strategy: Move them out.
Your mother likely has some dementia. The hoarding and filthy squalor is a common dementia behavior.
For her own good and health she cannot be allowed to be in charge anymore. The kitchen and house has to be cleaned.
Now you have to insist that either the place gets cleaned up or your aunt cannot come because you will leave and live somewhere else. I'm sure your mother does not want to live alone.
I was an in-home caregiver for a long time. We are required to report to our supervisors or APS if a senior is living in hoarded and unsanitary conditions. Often times it results in the senior being removed from the home and placed against their will. This is not only a very real possibility for your mother, but for your aunt too.
Mom lived alone, but her kitchen counters were used as storage, She had one cutting board (maybe 2'x3') that she used for all food prep. Every cupboard was jam packed and after she passed---everything went out the door. The few things she REALLY needed, we found smashed in the back of cupboards.
What 92 yo woman needs that giant yellow Tupperware bowl from the 60's? She also had a full size industrial meat slicer tucked into the pantry. Her kitchen table had one small placemat and no room to do anything but eat.
The kitchen of any home is kind of the heart. If it's a wreck, it's hard to feel motivated to go in there and make a meal.
Sounds like a hoarding situation with a 2nd hoarder coming to live. It has to be imperative that you have space for all 3 of you.
We tried, with mom, to get her kitchen clean and failed miserably until she passed and we cleaned it out. I was shocked by how big the place really was. She just couldn't have an blank space on a counter. Just very simply organization would have made this much, much easier on all of us who cared for her.
The ONE time we really did empty it, she had it put back and new stuff bought to fill the space. Then we quit trying. She was happy--but she also wasn't sharing space.
Probably time to do a face to face with mom & auntie and get a little tough.
And yes, APS does look pretty closely at hoarded out kitchens since they can be the breeding grounds for so many bugs and vermin. Mom's whole apt went from a minor moth infestation to a full blown hazmat situation in a year. It was kind of gross.
My mother is a hoarder and always has been. She was never good at keeping house. I am the polar opposite of this. I left home and never lived in dirty place and never hoarded. Part of the agreement of me moving back here was that there was going to be a massive clean up. My mother needed the money I was coming in with and agreed. She has tried to resume the hoarding and squalor but I have never allowed it.
I honestly don't care less if throwing out garbage and useless clutter distresses her. I just go right ahead and do it. If she gets snide and starts up about it she gets ignored.
Let mom get mad. She'll get over it. Or not. Whatever. At least you'll have a usable kitchen back.
Don't forget - if the kitchen is as bad as you say, it will be your aunt's caregiver(s) responsibility, as mandated reporters, to let APS know under what conditions your aunt will be living. And since mom lives with you, you *might* end up under an investigation from APS.
Is it just the kitchen that's like this? Or is mom's other living space also a mess?
In everyone’s life the parent becomes the child, the child becomes the parent
I don't mean to sound rude, but to be honest, the kitchen problem may only be a small part of wider problems.
"she has a 'wine habit' - not sure how much she drinks but it is probably too much.
I need help with getting her to clean up her squalid apartment. She never was very neat, but usually she was able to occasionally clean up the worst of it. I have been over there a couple
times recently to check on her and I’m appalled at the state she is in now. Things are piling up. She seems unable to get started on cleaning. I have tried to offer to help but don’t know where to begin. She keeps herself relatively clean and washes clothes and washes dishes, but there is trash all over the floor, empty recycling and wine bottles, her clothes are torn or falling off her body, "
How much home care is your aunt going to receive? You wrote about her disgusting habits -- why on earth is she coming to live in your home? Unless she is getting 24/7/365 home care, YOU are also going to be her caregiver.
You are a co-owner of the house, yet you consider payments to your mother to be rent? Why are you paying anything at all -- are you expected to be her caregiver for free?
Your sister doesn't want to be involved. Why are you involved? Why do you believe that you are the only solution? Your mother and your aunt need to be in facilities.
"It's complicated"
Have no idea what you can do about the kitchen. If Mom has Dementia there is no reasoning with her. Untreated diabetes could cause mental problems too. Mom needs a good physical with labs. Maybe tell a little white lie that Medicare is requesting that she get a physical to keep her insurance.