My live in FIL is constantly hovering over us. I’d he hears us in our kitchen, living room, he comes out. He eats dinner with us and is ever present. Hubby and I work from home so during day we are in our home office all day. During this time FIL stays in his room and watches tv. He does walk around our small neighborhood 3 times a day though. I keep telling my hubby he needs to have some socialization outside of us. But hubby says FIL is not interested. My guess is that FIL thinks he might have to play games/cards etc and his eyesight and mental capacities are not there anymore. He was an alcoholic in his adult years and I think his brain aged faster than normal. Anyhow, is it good to push someone to adult center to get them socialization outside of us and if so how can we mak him comfortable about this idea. I personally need him not to be 100% in my life. Thanks for your advice.
Perhaps they could start with watching tv together or taking the walk together and then go out to lunch at the senior center. Start with one day a week and go from there. Perhaps they could run errands for you?
How long has he been living with you? Does he pay you living expenses? No doubt he’s lonely and wants to visit before you start your day. It would be tough for me to never have privacy.
Why is what he does through the day bugging you so much? I think that the real problem is that you are chafing against having him live with you, I doubt you'd be so concerned about his daily habits if he lived elsewhere (and frankly the comment about him being too "lazy" to go to the senior's centre sounds antagonistic). That said I do agree that helping him find something to occupy his time and people to socialize with when he feels like company would be a good thing - do you think you both might be happier if he was living in an IL community? A relatively health 85 year old may have a lot of years left, is this arrangement sustainable long term?
every single morning he gets up and comes out when he hears me in kitchen. He talks about himself. He talks and talks. He will come up in my office when he thinks I am on phone with his grandchildren even though I am on work teleconferences. He talks only about himself and his stuff at dinner. He stares at me in uncomfortable ways. I do his cooking, cleaning, groceries and he doesn’t pay anything to look EC with us. Now we do t need the money but it would be nice if he appreciated any of this. He is not interested in any adult activity centers. But you have made a very good point. It is me who has the problem and he should expect to live his life as he sees normal. So it is me who has to adjust. I work hard every single day to not be bitter and remind myself this is an old man and to support my hubby I must be kind. And you are correct in your comments and I will continue to try and work on my shortfalls for being thrust into this situation live. Long term I hope for him to have an in law suite in new house which we will get next year and I hope this puts just a wee bit boundaries in my personal space. I know I sound selfish but this life is truly hard for me.
If you need a break because his activities are repetitive or annoying or you are trying to do thinks and they are interrupting.....whatever, then know that it is really about you.
And then it is to say that YOU need the break, so Dad has to have this number of hours at the senior center, or whatever. One near me does free lunch. Many are picked up in a van and go to lunch and activities, even if that is sitting about and talking. I imagine the break for family is a good one if they are 24/7 caregiving.
I imagine our elders see it different. We are their kids, right. They had us underfoot for how many years. Now you are all together again, and isn't that great, and by the way they want to make a lot of the decisions because that's the job of a parent.
It's tough to comb all of this out. That is for sure. To find something that works at least even a little for all involved. Hope you find some good answers.
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/how-do-you-cope-with-a-live-in-elderly-fil-448245.htm
https://usmenssheds.com/locations/
Sweet deal!
I don’t think it’s unreasonable for her to want private family time with her husband. Her FIL is fortunate to have a child and spouse who permit him to live in their home. He should have some boundaries and looking at her chest does not demonstrate his having boundaries.
My MIL lives in my home. My husband is deceased. Her other children and their spouses will not let her live in their homes. Her husband is in AL. To save money for her future care, I asked her to move in. I do not charge her for anything. She contributes to groceries when she wants. There is nothing in this for me.
She is currently upset with me because I have gone out for dinner with a man. I have been widowed 15 months. I finally told her that if she cannot respect my privacy she needs to have her children find her another place to live. I also told this to one of her sons. He laughed and said lack of boundaries is why none of them want her to live with them.
Some older people get set in their ways and it’s so hard to suggest any change in their lives. I honestly think that they can become oblivious to how it effects others. Everyone needs their own space from time to time.
I hope that at some point you or someone else is able to influence your FIL to give you and hubby some privacy in your own home.
Take care...