Both of my parents came to live with me in my home almost 3 years ago.
Early on they had mild memory loss and sometimes would be a little confused. Over the last year their dementia progressed more quickly. My Dad has become very quiet. He was once so outgoing, friendly, always wanted to make folks laugh! He can't hear well, and can't see well. He isn't weight-bearing and he has arthritis pain. He is 95 years old. I hate seeing his world shrink so much. Mom was his queen. :-) They were married just shy of 70 years. She died last week from dementia. She quit eating and drinking. She was 97 years old.
It hit me hard even though I thought I was prepared. And now I struggle to know how to help Dad. I told him when Mom went on Hospice that I thought her "time" was near. (They had both talked quite a lot about being ready to go, and shared their faith.) When I told Dad this, he nodded and said, "I understand." I explained that we were taking excellent care of her (she was still at home with us, but not getting out of bed as usual). He said, "well...she's 96, right?" I was shocked that he knew her age so close. She had turned 97 just a couple of months ago. So, I said, yes...she's 97. He nodded and then said, "We all must face it one day." I held his hand and he closed his eyes.
After that he went to her bedside 3 or 4 times before she died. She lasted about a week after that talk. When she was still responsive they held hands. She smiled at him. It was beautiful and heartbreaking. They seemed to nod at each other. I feel they both understood.
But how can I know for sure?
I have caregivers that come into my home and help with their care. One day Dad asked to see mom. The caregiver wheeled him to her bedside and he began to tuck her in saying that she doesn't like to be cold. He then tried to pull the blanket up over her head.
I was by my Mom's side when she passed away early one morning after several days of being non-responsive. She was skin and bones and my heart was breaking even seeing how much she had changed physically.
After she died, I immediately had to switch gears to do my best for Dad. We decided to wait until he asked about Mom before telling him anything. (Before she was bedridden he would always ask where she was if she wasn't at the dining table when he got there. We'd always explain that she's in the bathroom or whatever the case might me, but that she was coming!) He has NOT asked about her a single time since she died. Except the one question he asked on the morning she died, after her body was taken away...He asked, "Are we alone in here now" referencing the bedroom they shared. And when he was told yes, he nodded and closed his yes.
Now he is having longer periods of shutting down, and more often. He will look at me when I give him a hug. He'll smile when I tell him I love him. But then, he often closes his eyes and shakes his head. He has periods of time where falls asleep and won't wake up. Like at the breakfast table. Even if you get him to open his eyes they soon roll back and he shuts them. This isn't NEW since Mom's death, but it is happening much more often. Is this grief? His dementia? The combination? The sleepiness seems to be his biggest symptom of dementia over the last year. He also will wake from a nap very confused. He still knows me and others, but doesn't say much. He will answer in a few words where before it would be a conversation.
I just don't know how to help. Should I bring up Mom? I am afraid of him having to deal with reliving the realization that she is gone. Over and over, so I'm letting him lead that now. We continue to just love him like crazy. I don't want him have to be strong for me (although I miss him sooo much and miss his strength, his words and his support).
I'd appreciate advice. Tomorrow is my Mom's celebration of life at home. I'm praying that Dad will benefit as well. We will be at home so we can keep an eye on what he can and cannot tolerate and respond to that.
First of all let me extend our condolences for your loss. You are a grieving daughter as well as a primary caregiver for your dad. To be honest, it sounds like you may need a little time for yourself to recharge as well as grieve. Have you considered a respite stay for your dad? Many assisted livings in the area who are trained for someone with memory loss offer short term stays (even a week or two) where they can take over the primary caregiver role and allow you to be the daughter again, a role it sounds like you haven't had for awhile, outside of caregiving.
Please be sure and take some time for yourself. Caregiving can be easier with a little extra rest and 'you' time.
I hope you find this helpful.
I'm sure I could benefit from a respite. But right now I want to be sure I'm doing what I need to for Dad in order for him to have the best possible experience in which to grieve and process. Dementia makes everything such a mystery and I know that change equals stress for him. I appreciate you taking time to answer!
Your description of the situation leads me to believe that your dad knows that his beloved wife has gone on before him.
He is from a generation that really discouraged men from crying or expressing to much emotion.
I would try to share happy memories of mom and their lives with dad, maybe he will engage, maybe not but I think it is important to talk about our loved one, she was a big part of your lives. Her passing has left a hole, fill it with memories that are full of love and laughter.
Having her celebration of life at home is a great idea, it lets dad remember her in life.
Be kind to yourself and take time to grieve, maybe a hot bath or shower to cry your eyes out, if you need to shed tears. You are obviously a believer, so is dad, to know that she is renewed and young again can be such a comfort that there are no tears, just anticipation of seeing her again.
It is not uncommon for people that have been married as long as your parents to pass within months of one another, prepare your heart for whatever is to come.
Your parents are both very blessed to have you. God bless you for all you do!
I think your dad's behavior is dementia with a broken heart. As Isthisrealyreal stated " her passing left a hole in him," I think you should just let dad know you are there for him. If you feel the mood is right bring out some family photos and talk about some funny things mom did. The happier times! Remind him that she and you love him!
Again, I am so sorry for your loss. May God be with you and your dad in this difficult time.
Hugs
If not you should contact them I am sure he is eligible and they will be of great help.
I am sure your Dad is processing this as best as he can. And it sure sounds like he knows what has happened.
You should prepare yourself as I am sure he will not be far behind the love of his life. This happens very often and the death of a spouse is high on the list when you look at things that will shorten a life span. Add that to his age, dementia and other problems... (I don't want to be a downer on this but..)
Take care of yourself, this is going to be a rocky bit for you. I hope you have good support as well.
You've said, "let him lead" and "keep an eye on what he can tolerate." Your love for your parents and experience, thus far, has guided you. Perhaps your mother's spirit has also played a part.
This is merely my humble opinion.
God bless you.
Continuing just to love your father like crazy sounds good to me. I can't see what more anyone can hope to do.
Um. What are you doing to look after yourself? Do you have lots of family and friends around you? I think you probably already realise that rejoining your mother may come to be what your father feels is best for him. It would be better if you were braced for that, just in case, so that you don't start imagining you've let him down. You're not letting him down, you're doing a grand job in a very delicate situation.
After we moved him over the next 4 years he would ask where “she” was. At first he was told mom died and he was upset that he didn’t go to the funeral (he did).
But as time passed I would give him a variety of answers-laying down for nap, grocery shopping, lunch with the girls, getting hair done. Sometimes he would say oh I remember (as these would have been legitimate errands).
He never seemed upset and I think the advancing dementia took most of his memory of her.
Cant mom be at the beauty shop or have gone out shopping with ??? and be back later.
How would you feel being told all the time that someone you loved had died ?
I honestly font don’t know how to help myself right now. I know I need something. I’m having a hard time leaving the house even though a caregiver is here.
Have not not been sleeping well.
It has been so beautiful to read what you have written, because I believe what you have described is very much as it was when I lost Mom.
You ask how you can know. My dad had been gone almost 25 years when I felt, and KNEW, that he had returned to her to take her Home with him.
It had almost killed me to lose him, but over the years between his death and hers, I had been Blessed with the awareness that he had NOT gone as far as I’d originally feared, and that his presence was as true and as beautiful as the last time I’d seen him on this earth.
The love your mom and dad shared doesn’t, and CANNOT, be lost by physical separation. He knows that she’s there.
As dearly as they both loved you, they surely want you to know that too.
Believe it.
First of all, I feel emphatic for you and your dad. Second, your situation is so similar to mine was. My mom had a moderate dementia, and actually went to the nursing home because she kept falling with broken bones. My dad had very mild dementia, and I didn’t know he was dying slowly of lungs cancer until the end of his life. Six months later after Mom went to the nursing home, she passed away from the natural causes at 87 (a week after her birthday). My caregiver (mind you, I am disabled) told my dad first because I was still sleeping. He was prepared, but he was worried about my emotions more than himself feeling sad. He knew it was coming to the end of Mom’s life. He took it very well. Then, a couple of times, he would ask me "Where is your mom?". After I reminded him, he had to think,and then said "Oh sorry, I remember now! About a year, and three months later, he passed away at 90.
I am telling you that because I think, since your dad is 95, he has to know that your mom has passed away so he would go on, and perhaps to let go. He might forgets where’s your mom later on after you told him. However, be prepared for the broken heart syndrome if he truly loved her. Just remember that your parents lived a very long time, and had 70 years of marriage. I feel that you’re not ready to let your dad go if you tell him your mom has passed. Keep reminding your dad how much you love him. You’re definitely doing a fine job of helping your dad right now.
Hugs. 🤗
I had a similar situation with my husband after he had a massive stroke. He knew his mother passed at one time , I would remind him other times..., but he would say to me. You just missed her I had a wonderful visit. It was good to see her. The nurses told me to let it go. Let him be happy. So I did. I don't know the right or wrong way. All I know is my husband was happy. It was all that mattered.