Due to our mother's significant decline, our family has taken steps to get her hospitalized, into rehab for short period, and next week into a memory care facility. Mom doesn't know the long term plan, but has become hateful, angry and resentful. I know it's only the disease, but I'll be honest - it hurts like nothing I've ever felt. We must see this through, and not give in, but I've reached a point of exhaustion and don't know how to get rid of the pain I'm feeling. I still have a full time job I have to manage, in addition to sharing in her our mother's affairs (including her home) with my brother and sister. I don't know how to handle her hurtful treatment. I'm obviously an adult but feel very insignificant, beaten up and foolish right now.
The behaviors that you and your family observe may represent what you interpret as negativity directed toward you, but to allow yourself and your siblings to consider them actual expressions of her feelings is not fair to any of you.
My LO has cursed me, accused me of causing her to have a heart attack, threatened to harm herself because of my care, and other sad things, and since I know the comments are coming from the damage in her brain, I am able to disregard them and stay calm when she reacts as she does.
This actually becomes a necessary source of self discipline when caring for someone with dementia.
It has helped me to avoid situations, when possible, that trigger her. We used to LOVE to go to Church together, but since her placement in the locked memory unit of a very good AL facility, I have found that when the service is over, she expects me to “take her home”. I have chosen to avoid the church service for the time being, and will try again in a month or so, hoping that she will have forgotten her previous responses.
If your mother responded very differently before her sad “decline”, when she was able to manage her responses in a kinder and more positive way, it may help you to remind yourself of how she would have responded in the past, WHEN SHE WAS WELL.
I visit my LO most days, and very rarely am I able to leave the facility without thinking of our past together, when she was a solid companion and confidant, and I could totally trust her wisdom and judgment. Now I can give her former kindness back, by disregarding her sometimes harshness, and remembering that she CAN’T control what she’s saying, and DOESN’T MEAN TO BE UNKIND TO ME.
I wish there were an easy solution. My LO takes a small dose of an antianxiety medication that reduces, but does not omit, her outbursts.
I’m so sorry that this is happening to you. I’ve been part of the family care team of five relatives with dementia, and although I’ve learned from each, it’s never gotten easier. Hopes for peace.
It is important that you take time away from your mother and heal the wounds that her disease has caused you. Be kind to yourself knowing that she is being looked after by professionals.
Do you feel your work has suffered? Perhaps you can throw yourself into a project at work?
It will take some time to renew your commitment to yourself and your work. If you have a hobby, do it. If you don't, find one. Visit your local library for ideas and books on subjects that interest you.
Coping requires healthy coping skills. I also suggest reading Roz Chast's book "Can't We Talk About Something More Pleasant?"