Helping a senior who’s in independent living?
First I want to thank everyone for any and all answers! This forum has been my salvation for the past two years and I’m truly grateful!
96 year old Mom still lives alone in a senior apartment. She gets a senior meal delivered daily and has Peapod deliver her groceries. She is struggling with bathing and washing her hair. She also fell trying to get into bed one night and rather than call us for help, she slept on the floor. She does have the “button” to push for the rescue squad, but didn’t want them to help her. We’ve tried to convince her to move to AL but that only pushes her to talk about buying her own house (no way will we help her do that). My sis and I are visiting her nearly every day, but we don’t think that’s enough. How do you help someone stay independent? She has to go outside for a haircut, doctor appts, dental appts, etc. She doesn’t want to leave her apartment so everything is a struggle. She is deathly afraid of breaking her hip. I see now we should have moved her into AL from the beginning, but that’s not happening. I think she’s too frail to move again. I know others have said you just have to wait until something happens, then move them to AL, but what about until then. How does an independent senior who is unable to leave their apartment get those things done?
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I hope that you or your sister has your mothers Durable POA as it appears that someone will have to be making her decisions for her.
My step father is in a wheelchair, we recently moved him from AL in AZ to here in Fl, He made the move just fine, why not have your mother evaluated to determine if she is too frail or not. I wouldn't just assume.
Sending support your way.
The good side of where she is now and the visits daily from you or your sister is that when she falls again and won't push button, someone will find her within a day.
As for hair and bath, someone from a care-giver agency could visit her once or twice a week and include bathing in their visit.
My mother was like this. She was showering once a week, because it became so difficult to climb into and out of the tub. She refused to hire anyone. (She did agree to have a housecleaner come in twice a month, which became once a month when the housekeeping agency said she didn't need it every other week.)
She eventually was hospitalized (gallbladder) for 17 days, then rehab, then permanent placement in a NH. She said she didn't want to go to AL, and she never had to (she jumped over that whole step).
How are you and your sister going to deal with your mother's increasing capacity? Are you going to help her bathe? Is someone going to be sleeping at her apartment to make sure she's safe? Do you want to do that? Does she want you to do that?
My mother's mind was going, but not enough to meet the (very low) bar for mental competence. Very frustrating!
Who is the successor trustee for the trust? What happens when she dies or becomes incapacitated? She really does need a POA and HCPOA.
Sometimes you have to do what is right and safe and at some point the person without the capabilities to care for themselves is not really up to them. They never WANT to move but sometimes they NEED to be moved. Not easy, no doubt.
she is frantic to try to turn back the clock and be who she was. That can never happen. She really does need to move.
my in-laws were similar. I had been working on them for quite a while with no move agreed to and a lot of sleepless nights on my part. Finally instead of telling him, I started asking FIL what he wanted, and what did the future look like for him and his wife whose dementia was worse than his. He knew he needed to make a change but he could not figure out how. So somehow he finally agreed. Your mother is like a frantic cat, hanging on with her claws out in terror that needing more care means The End. if she moved to AL they had facility doctors who come there and on site beauty shop.
the only other thing to try could be a winter residence program so she can go temporarily for the winter. I am in Illinois so our Midwest winters are harsh.
I know it is so hard on you and your sister worrying about what will happen to her. We do understand and we are sorry. I’ll
You have to say "Mom, I can't do this any more" and mean it. As long as you're shuttling her around, why should she move?
Don't talk about Assisted Living. Talk about what YOU are going to do and NOT do. "Mom, Winter is coming; I've been told to limit my driving to the bare essentials because I'm deathly afraid of (falling/crashes/my arthritis). You'll need to make other arrangements to get your errands done".
You can continue running yourself ragged in an effort to keep a super stubborn mother home and "independent", or you can stop enabling her independence by not doing everything FOR her. That's not independence at all.....its just plain stubborn willfulness at YOUR expense.
Best of luck