How can I help my 79-year-old mother with late onset alcohol dependence?

Alcoholism is difficult at any age but with the elderly, it must be a nightmare! I had an RN roomie who was a stone alcoholic. It ruined her career. The only sure cure is commitment to a facility where they can detox because if you take away the alcohol, there will be seizures. Living with an alcoholic is tough and I moved after one year because of it. I am not in touch with her any longer.

Mary, who is responsible for your client? Were you hired by her, by her children, by her guardian?

You really need to be in touch with THAT person. If she hired you herself, it feels to me like you need to either talk to YOUR agency (if you are working through an agency) or if you are an independent contractor, call the local Area Agency on Aging.

She may need a higher level of care.

And be safe, my dear. If you feel threatened, call 911 and have her taken to the hospital.

I am helping take care of elder 91 year women with dementia who drink ever day she never remember drinking at all and doesn't know why she is sick
I have been staying with
Her for six months she's abusive to me and lies about everything I really appreciate and of my rope and I could really use some help she doesn't want to go in this facility and it's a mistake there's nothing they can do for her but better drink and I don't know how to handle this help please

AnxietyfilledCT, the way you know an alcoholic is lying, is their lips are moving. She will NEVER be honest about her drinking, nor will she stop unless she wants to. You need to detach from her, Go to Al-anon. If necessary she may need alternative living arrangements. And by that I mean that she needs to move out if she will not choose to stop drinking. You are not responsible for her arrangements.You are taking on the burden of her addiction and that is not ok.

You may think this is your responsibility, but it is not. Please get some help to detach.

Angel

Riamborn...I completely relate to your life. My 74 year old mother lives with me and my 19 year old son. She is fairly okay during the day. When I say fairly okay, I mean she drives, takes care of her doctor's appt's, etc. In the mid-day to late afternoon, reality sets in. Since I'm a teacher and out of school for the summer, I can kind of tell how much she is really drinking. Right now I have it pegged at about two of the large bottles of wine per day. To accurately get this picture, you must know that she weighs about 105 pounds and takes a lot of different medications for a variety of different ailments. Now during the day you would never guess that she struggles with alcoholism. It's the nights I HATE!!!!! I also found out that she hides her wine and vodka in her room. I'm going crazy trying to come up with solutions on how to handle this. Every day I am trying to come up with errands that we have to run, places that I would like to window shop at, or even just go to my classroom and prep for the next school year. I have to be two steps ahead of her to try to keep her from drinking earlier in the day. My needs and wants go out the window. Just so you get the complete picture, during the school year I have my mom come "help" me at school. I have to work hard to set up projects that she can do just to keep her out of the house and away from the alcohol. It also gives her something to do and make her feel needed. She loves coming but now has taken over all of my school relationships. It's a small sacrifice so that the evenings are not as bad. During the summer I also watch my 6 year old grandson 3 days a week. My mom loves this. It helps to keep her busy but I find myself having to watch her because she tends to want to cook for him, do projects, etc., and this leads to it becoming something that I have to monitor. I feel like I'm always babysitting a toddler that is 74 years old. I feel like I'm drowning in my own home. I know you are thinking that I should just talk to her...she denies her drinking to no end and says that she only had two small glasses. It's always the same story. Every day I find new wine bottles at the bottom of the trash can. I go back to school in 4 weeks and am having anxiety attacks over how to keep control of this situation from my classroom. I can't rely on my son because he works full-time (24-hour shifts) and goes to college full-time. I also have 2 brothers but one is a major alcoholic and the other has had many bouts of prescription drug dependence and uses his charm and "used car salesman" tactics to swindle money from my mom. Any advice from anyone would be much appreciated.

Abbeys...this is a very old thread. You may get more answers if you post your question in a new thread of your own. But...alcoholics have to want to quit for rehab to work. if he does not want to stop drinking he won't. However that doesn't mean you have to care for him. Go to Al-anon and detach from him. If you don't, you will only get hurt more.
Generally alcoholics can't care for themselves because they are drunk. Let him hit rock bottom, maybe he will sober up. Otherwise he is unlikely to get help. Nursing homes/memory care facilities generally do not allow excessive drinking as it is an insurance risk so they will not take him on. The only option in the end will be that he will be baker acted (against his will) and forced into a psychiatric hospital for a short time. But they won't hold him forever (72 hours). He has to want to sober up.

Angel

My husband is a late stage alcoholic. I am no longer able to tolerate his
behavior. We've tried many rehabs and he does not want to get sober. Is there
any where that will take alcoholics that are no longer able to care for themselves?

+chachacha123, What an awful situation!
Some districts have better staffing and facility than others; sounds like there are some poor decisions being made at yours.
When mom devolves into that state, it sounds more like she has chosen to try to use whatever substances she gets her hands on, to do a "socially acceptable" slow-suicide.
'Using' is "numbing-out"...she has entered into a life stage she cannot handle, mentally or emotionally, so Might be Using, to numb-out; she could also be thinking [many do this Subconsciously], that this could bring death faster, to gain release from untenable life circumstances.
It's AWFUL to witness loved ones, or anyone, doing this to themselves. They have really become like very small children....except the outcomes will always be death for the elder, whereas, for small children, the outcome is usually that they learn better and get better all the time. So, elders are only partially similar to small children, and, the circumstances of their care, are definitely NOT the same as small children [who learn to do better]. The size and scope of messes a small child makes are nothing, compared with those caused by a dysfunctional elder!
Whether a "wake-up-call" could be triggered by telling her .graphically. what slow death by alcohol is like at her age, is sitting on the fence...most usually refuse to engage in any conversation like that. They have retreated into their 'isolation cave', and don't want to come out.
Do what you can to cut her off of her supply of substance--it likely won't help much, if a neighbor or "friend" is aiding and abetting.
But, if you remove whatever alcohol you can find, it could slow it down, and, frustrate the neighbor by causing Mom's habit to be too expensive for the neighbor to feed anymore.
OTH...she is as she is.
At 74 lbs., she's barely skin and bones--even if a petit size. THAT can be a medical emergency....IF the hospital will look at it from that angle.
Usually, they try to avoid looking. People staffing facilities dislike dealing with psych issues, alcohol and drug issues cause increased psych issues--especially in elders....the whole modern-medicine-insurance-facility model is NOT designed to help those circumstances at all well....unless they can control the patients by some pills. They must be extremely careful about that, too, lest they get lawsuits for using restraints [whether tied hands and/or feet, or using drugs to heavily control behavior, or locking them in one room---both are restraints]
Sorry, not able to get too deep into detail here.
It can be awful trying to get professional help for elder substance abusers.... Medicine knows those rarely take prescribed meds reliably or properly. Medicine knows those types are poor conformers/direction followers.
You COULD simply Let Them report you for Elder abandonment---but really? Legally? THEY are abandoning, and trying to make it appear as though you are the one..... Look into what could really happen, by your local laws, if you simply refused to pick her up.
The hospital has limited options: They can put her back in a bed; they can move her to a different facility; they can try to coerce or scare you into taking the person back home.
But legally? About all they might successfully do To you for refusing to take her back under your roof is, to take full custody of her---that is, they can take the POA from you [unless you really want it back]; they can refuse your visiting your elder. They might try to make something stick in a "file", which might prevent your doing eldercare or even foster care on anyone else.
OTH...YOU can choose to go get an Elder Ombudsman/Client Advocate person, when a facility tries to pressure you into taking Mom back into an unsafe living situation at your house.
YOU tell them it is unsafe for the elder at your house, and why [you and your family have health issues that preclude doing elder care at all; the elder is abusive and it is endangering you or your family members--especially younger children; etc.] There needs to be good, rational reasons why the elder cannot return to living under your roof as before.
IF they still fail to "get it", reframe that, kinda like: So, you would rather I take Mom home to live under our roof, where her choices and behaviors and needs cause debilitating hardship or injury to others? Do you realize my taking Mom home, can trigger all of us to become homeless? [what fits your circumstances]...
UNfortunately, medical usually fails to count mental and emotional abuse by an elder on the caretaker.
Some caregivers get to the point of break-down, so simply LET the facility try to slap a worn-out, sick, financially compromised caregiver, with legal action when they tell the facility they cannot take the elder back to live with them.
THAT could result in very nasty Public Relations for the facility.
In a court motion, they would use EVERY bit of evidence that you are unfit in some very ugly ways....later, in a contest of that motion, you would have to prove otherwise.
I got to that point. My spouse and I were so physically sick, largely from Mom being in our house, taking apart our lives in every way, I was ready to simply LET them accuse me of elder abandonment or abuse... they had no actual evidence, really, unless they trumped-up fake evidence.
But I was at that point, to get them to physically remove her from our home, lest we died before her, related to her behaviors so badly affecting us.
HAVE YOU been keeping a Daily Diary of what is said, done, conditions, etc.? THAT is one of your best protections. HAVE YOU anonymously called for welfare checks on your Mom? HAVE YOU called the psych department every time she's acting out? HAVE YOU called 911 every time she might get violent or abusive towards you and your other family members, so there's a police report/paper trail?
When a facility tries to block you from visiting, or takes her POA, after you "abandoned" your elder to them ....they might get away with it, but that would be contestable, I think, legally...
You might be able to get POA and visitation back again, via the courts. Or you might only get parts of those.
Please place your Mom's situation in context of big-picture Risk: Benefit ratio. And, Mom is not the person you thought you knew while growing up.
She has changed, is much less of "herself", than ever.
Her body is dwindling, her mind is also [if she's always had psych issues, even undiagnosed...she's been an adventure to live with, already!].
She's not dead yet; but she is certainly not in the Land of the Living, either.
Only you can determine what collateral damage she has actually been causing in your home, and if any of that's OK with you--she's Unlikely to change.
IF she's been living in her own home, and is managing to get-by, that is really something...let her. It might also get gruesome, if there's a gas leak, or anything else to endanger her at home.
Only you can choose what is OK for you and yours, where your limits are...there will always be some who try to shove others beyond their ability to cope...that is, in other terms, considered bullying, or could even be considered abusive.
So, next time the facility/social worker or planning person tries to coerce you to take Mom back home, and Mom is still compromised, bring up any or all of the following:
MAGIC WORDS might include:
"Endangering herself or others";
"I am too unwell myself, to do more than be her POA, and maybe to visit her in facility" [be prepared to back that with your own medical records, if needed];
"Stop harassing me" [in context to what they say, which might sound like harassment]; also,
"That sounds like Bullying or Abuse towards a worn-out caregiver"...
DO state:
"The goal is to ensure Mom is safe and appropriately cared for;
I cannot physically or financially do that at home anymore;
by forcing me to take her back, you would cause me [and my family?] to become sicker, which could rapidly result in greater costs to the systems;
Mom is at the point of endangering herself and/or others;
Please place Mom into a facility, to protect her from endangering herself or others!"

I am going through it with my mom. I am an only child with no help. She has a friend who enables her and has undone everything I have done. It takes a lot of time to set her up with insurance and the doctors. I went to the appointments to let them know about her abuse. BTW my mom abused pain killers as well and that put her into full blown addiction! So alcohol or pills they can and will abuse.

My mom is killing herself. I do ACA but I cannot help but feel bad to set my boundaries. I love my mom I just do not like her when she is in denial. She is doing so much damage she has dementia from alcohol abuse. She is in and out of the hospital when she binges to the point of oblivion. She is choosing cigarettes and alcohol over food and she weighs 74 pounds. She has become more of a burden and completely narcissistic. I still feel sad, angry and frustrated. I would love to think she might get sober but she cannot be honest. I have gone through this my entire life and just want it stop stop. It is sooooooo hard to watch and harder to turn your cheek as I am her only daughter(child).

I have to add that every time she is admitted to the hospital and I tell them (social workers) she has dementia and loosing her memory, alcoholic and bipolar and she is not taking care of herself and they do nothing but try and make me pick her up. Even when I tell them it is absolutely not possible and that she needs serious help. One social worker reported me to Adult Protective Services for not picking her up saying I was abandoning my mom. The best that happens is a 48 hour detox or maybe a 51/50. But the 51/50 is becoming more and more difficult because she knows what to say to them even though she is completely intoxicated and incoherent. They did a psych evaluation on her when she was so intoxicated she could not speak but still made a report! Sometimes I wonder about their decisions! I have not had any help from any of the place she has been sent to and believe me I ask. If anyone has suggestions I would greatly appreciate it.

I am going through it with my mom. I am an only child with no help. She has a friend who enables her and has undone everything I have done. It takes a lot of time to set her up with insurance and the doctors. I went to the appointments to let them know about her abuse. BTW my mom abused pain killers as well and that put her into full blown addiction! So alcohol or pills they can and will abuse.

My mom is killing herself. I do ACA but I cannot help but feel bad to set my boundaries. I love my mom I just do not like her when she is in denial. She is doing so much damage she has dementia from alcohol abuse. She is in and out of the hospital when she binges to the point of oblivion. She is choosing cigarettes and alcohol over food and she weighs 74 pounds. She has become more of a burden and completely narcissistic. I still feel sad, angry and frustrated. I would love to think she might get sober but she cannot be honest. I have gone through this my entire life and just want it stop stop. It is sooooooo hard to watch and harder to turn your cheek as I am her only daughter(child).

There's a wonderful online support group called Moderation Management. It might work for an elder with intact cognitive skills.

If alcoholic refuses, I am helpless. Perhaps I should ask for assistance and info at the hospital.

dont get in too big of a hurry . christmas is coming up and an alcoholic is the easiest person in the world to gift shop for .

Peg, as long as you have full POA for your neighbour I don't think you need be concerned that social services will railroad you or her into solutions you don't agree with. And I do think you should call in some help with this situation - it's too difficult for a lay person on her own. If I were you I'd do it before things get really out of hand. A gentle intervention now could save her getting into serious trouble later. Just give them a call asking for advice - you don't have to take it any further than that if you don't want to.

think that everyone should be busy in any professional activity or any they like. Thus they have no free time to do such thing.

I have been looking after my 88 year old neighbor for the past 8or 9 yrs.. We get along very well, enjoy many of the same activities.She is like an older sister to me and I love her. She has made it clear that she will not give up drinking. She does not drive, so I take her shopping, doctors, hairdresser and try to find things to do that we would both enjoy. She's witty, fun and a youthful 88 but when she drinks to much she gets lost and goes for walks and locks her house and forgets her keys. The neighbors know I look after her and usually come get me. But I am worried she will wander off one day and come to some harm. She does not want someone living with her and does not want to go into a facility. We have many in the immediate area.
I have full power of attorney but she is not incompetent and I want her to be happy.
She has been drinking since she was about 17, she is originally from Vienna.
Her drinking has become a problem and I am at my wits end trying to come up with a solution we can both live with. I live directly behind her and call several times a day or we visit back and forth. We live in a community with over 18000 people and I have discovered this is not an uncommon problem for elderly women.
She has a ninety-one year old sister who lives 20 miles away but has health issues of her own. We are fairly close and she appreciates the fact that I look after her sister. Want to know if I should try to get her into a full service home where she can have her own apartment and where there are many activities and social opportunities.
When she drinks heavy she wanders around the neighborhood and have had other neighbors come to me because she is confuse, lock herself out or crying.
I have discussed her problem with her when she is lucid, stating that when she cuts back on drinking, she is less confused, articulates much better and is not so forgetful. The neighbors have suggested going to social services but I worry that she may get caught up in the system and some unpleasant situations can happen.
Would appreciate any help on how to handle this situation. I have committed to look after her and cannot abandon her now. I am 76 and also have some health issues, I have hypertension and when she drinks heavy my blood pressure spikes.
She is difficult when she is drinking heavy.

800-315-2056 is a number in Caldwell Idaho for rehabilitation for alcoholism. Call this number to get more information. Hugs to you!!!

Once someone decides it is time to die. Sometimes the most merciful thing to do is to allow it to happen.

Riamborn I hope by now you made other arrangements for your children. Kats you have to take her keys away and call social service they need to get involved and why are you giving her money-you know what she is using it for.

My mother has been drinking for years and it was only just over a year ago we found out the extreme extent of her drinking. She's been through detox and rehab twice but she is now back to passing out, falling and not able to take care of herself. She is so ill and needs to see a doctor but will not go because she is afraid to go back to rehab. She just wants to sit and drink. Three family members (including myself) have been doing all we can to help her and be supportive but I feel as if I'm waiting for her to drink herself to death. I have to take care of paying her bills since she cannot. I hate giving her money because it goes to alcohol but as everyone said, it could be deadly if she stops without proper detox. Our family has also discussed her ability to drive. She gets extremely angry at us when we take away the keys but we can't give her the keys and have her risk killing herself or someone else! So do we keep the keys and buy her alcohol for her due to her dependence on it? How can we get her to rehab?

my mother is 77 yrs old and drinks 1/2 gallon of liquor a day and takes prescription drugs. She has been in and out of rehabilitation center's and hospital's for at least 5 yrs. She can't take care of herself but refuses to stay with any of her children, she falls around and sometimes can't get up and has to call someone to break into her house to help her. We (her children) feel so helpless and would welcome any advice.

I agree, just taking her alcohol away won't help and could cause fatal health consequences. it almost killed my grandfather. After he came out of his coma he lived the last 16 years sober. :-) An alcoholic that wants to drink will find a way...vanilla extract...listerine...nyquil...

Sorry, I didn't read your question well enough the first time. You get it, so call your local hospital social worker, tell them you need referrals with your specifications, and they will help you. Medicare does pay for some facilities, but they usually do not have all of the requirements that you're asking for. Do get her help, as if she falls and get's brain damage, she won't be able to follow through with the program, as she won't be able to do so. I hope this helps, giving you a hug.

When you figure this one out let me know. I sent my Dad to Al -Anon to deal with my Mother's drinking, and went seperately myself. It helped us cope as until people "hit bottom" they don't get it. A DUI, falling, hospitalizations, are all examples of getting to the realization that they need treatment. You didn't cause it and you can't cure it. Your major responsibility is your children. Your mother has a disease just like a diabetic needs to care for themselves, your mother is drowning her sorrows at the expense of being a poor role model to your children. Time for tough love, for your children's sake and your sanity. Go to Al-Anon, get a sitter for your children, or arrange for them to go to a friend's home while you go. Then you'll see you're not alone. May God grant you the Serenity to change the things you can, Accept the things you cannot, and the wisdom to know the difference. You cannot reason with an alcoholic, so don't try, just tell them your limits/boundaries, and give an ultimatum of treatment for alcoholism, with an intervention, or time to move out as you won't let it take your children's mental health/self esteem down. That's your main responsibility so that they do not pattern themselves in their coping mechanisms with what Grandma has become accustomed to in her illness called alcoholism.

rlamborn, you are doing the right thing by getting your siblings involved. This is not your responsibility alone and you have your responsibilities first to your kids. It sounds like your Mom functions well on her own, maybe it's time for tough love and giving ultimatums (you want to live here, no drinking). It really is weird how we trade places parenting with our parents as we/they age. Have you talked to your Mom's family doctor about the best way to stop your Mom's drinking? What about once she opens the bottle of wine, diluting it with non-alcoholic wine, so little by little she is drinking less. I would talk to a counselor to see the best way to approach your Mom, she is hurting whether emotional or physical. Maybe if you record the mean hateful things she says when she is inebriated and replay the next day when she is "normal" and explain how it makes you feel & depending on the age of your kids, have them tell GMA how it makes them feel. Alot of alcoholics do not remember their conversations & think you are making them up to make them look bad. Intervention is definitely the WORD, the question is how. Once again, talk to a counselor. Check out your local senior center, they have great resources. I wish you both the best, you are an Angel & your Mom really wants to be better, but doesn't/won't acknowledge it! HUGS!!

Yes, I agree, littletonway. My home with my children has become toxic. I just spoke with my brother about sending my mother to stay with him and his wife. I love my mother, but I do not like her. I know that she is harming herself by drinking excessively each night. I cannot quit my job to stay home and take care of her and even if I devoted more time to her, she would still drink. My siblings are telling me to just take her alcohol away, but I would never want to endanger my mother with their quick advice. I told my brother this evening that it is time for him to come and check on our mother. An intervention is needed.

I am sorry riamborn you need to find other arrangements for your children or your Mother. Dangerous situation you have going there.

Caring for an elderly parent addicted to alcohol is a nightmare. My mother functions well during the day. I am a single mother of 3 and I work full time in a demanding job. My mother helps with my youngest by picking her up from school each day. I also have an older teenager that helps to monitor the activity until I come home from work, around 6 p.m. My mother drinks every day. She can easily drink an entire bottle of wine in one night. She starts drinking about an hour before I get home. Once I get home, help with homework/baths/bedtime, she has finished almost an entire bottle. That's when I get the drama. She starts telling me stories about her life and how she was abused. When I do not engage in the ominous conversation, she becomes silent and then angry. I work in a mental health facility, so I am well aware of what I am dealing with at home.
My brother called this evening and asked how we were doing. I asked him if he wanted to speak to her and he laughed...and then said, "No, that's ok." I think that before I get home in the evenings, she pours her first glass of wine and makes calls to anyone that will listen. My children told me that she is telling them that she is the one paying all of the bills and taking care of us. She decided to take on a project of ripping up my entire flower bed in the front of the house and replanting while I was at work. She almost passed out from the heat when my son came home from school. He led her back in the house and told her to stop doing yardwork. She then told him that I was lazy and that I should be helping more around the house.
My inner child wants to replace her alcohol with food coloring and water. I know that if you remove alcohol from someone who is dependent, you can kill them. It is more lethal to detox from alcohol without medical care supervision than it is to detox from heroin/crack/cocaine/opiates. Alcohol is a different drug. The body will become dependent on the alcohol. If the body of an alcoholic is suddenly deprived, kidneys and other major organs will begin to shut down.
I will be spending my time off this weekend...before "wine time," explaining to my mother that it is not okay to tell my 7 yr old that my 16 yr old is the favorite....it is not okay to tell my children negative things while I work my butt off trying to take care of us...and that I will no longer be paying any more bills in this house with her in it if she feels that I am not carrying my weight in the household.

A hospice center will allow her to drink to the bitter end.