My mother needs an alcohol treatment facility that:
Features treatment options for abuse/dependence among older adults
• Age-specific, supportive, that aims to build the client’s self-esteem
• A focus on coping with depression, loneliness, and loss
• A focus on rebuilding the person’s social support network
• An appropriate pace and content of treatment
• Staff members who are interested and experienced in working with older adults
Any suggestions? advice? help?
Depending on her level of cognition you may want to look into a Assisted or Independant Living Facility. This greatly helps with social interaction and takes some of the burden of daily tasks like laundry, cooking, cleaning etc. off of her plate. If she is experiencing severe memory loss, you should look at a memory care unit as they are better suited to deal with her specific issues. And if you want to keep her at home you can either bring in a private duty nursing aide to be with her for purposes of safety and or companionship. Lastly, they also have adult day care facilities in some cities, that is another option. Unfortunatly, this is not the type of ailment that can be cured. Your goal should be neutralizing the side effects as best you can. You've taken the first step you are a loving daughter.
Good luck,
The most important thing I learned this past week is self care. Then you can care for her, by keeping alcohol out of her life, and getting her into the adult day care, or assisted living as mentioned by Sandy B. Much of alcoholism in the aged is depression, isolation, and real pain from arthritis, or emotional losses. What does not work is shaming, blaming. What does work is compassion. Finding the root cause of why she drinks. Mom has anxiety over my father's reaction to her, and has now developed a nervous tick of doing a figure 8 on her right knee. When asked she says it's anxiety, and pain. The Dr.'s are reluctant to give her pain medication for her degenerative back. They give palliative care to Cancer patients, and at this advanced stage, I don't understand why the Dr.'s think dependance on a pain medication would be worse than dependence on 5 oz. + of straight vodka per day.
So, get thyself to an al-anon meeting. Write down what you have control over, and what you do not, and use her Dr.'s social worker, or find out which alcohol treatment programs are covered by Medicare, as my mother's was. Good luck and a hug. Kitty
Does she have any dementia brought on by her alcoholism?
Does she have balance and mobility problems?
When you are calling around to the different rehabilitations I believe this information will help them know better what type of treatment you are seeking. I think it is best to support the facility in your community because that the aftercare will be simple. If it is far and involves long distances and housing to visit the after care will be greatly diminished in it's support.
What would be your goals in getter her sober?
What would be her goals in putting alcohol aside as a tool and a comfort?
These two questions will help you understand if you are both on the same page.
If you both say health, community, and restoration of relationships than it will work.
Betty Ford in Rancho Mirage, CA specializes in Women.
As she got more demented over time, she stopped using it.
Mom, OTH, would use booze whenever, and in proportion to, how emotionally pained she was. She could put away half a gallon of wine, or several drinks of hard liquor, in a day, most days, yet not reek of it, nor get stumbling drunk--just really rotten behaviors.
She did a great job of hiding it.
But it badly effected how she treated us and our home.
No chance of her going thru treatment for it--not in her 70s and 80's.
It was not working at our house--her behaviors were pervasively destructive.
But now it seems to be working for her at a sibling's house, since they do more drinking than we do; they seem to get along fine enough.
So maybe it is less a question of how much, but how well does she get along at your place, and, if not very well, do you have sibling[s] she might get along better with, still having her drinks?
IF she went to a Facility, though, she'd have to quit--it's a rare place that will keep a patient's bottle on the med cart and dole out their booze ration in the evening!
So there's another question:
If a Facility can cause an elder stop drinking in order to be there, why not stop it at home, for the sake of keeping the peace, and helping the elder's overall state of health?
My brother called this evening and asked how we were doing. I asked him if he wanted to speak to her and he laughed...and then said, "No, that's ok." I think that before I get home in the evenings, she pours her first glass of wine and makes calls to anyone that will listen. My children told me that she is telling them that she is the one paying all of the bills and taking care of us. She decided to take on a project of ripping up my entire flower bed in the front of the house and replanting while I was at work. She almost passed out from the heat when my son came home from school. He led her back in the house and told her to stop doing yardwork. She then told him that I was lazy and that I should be helping more around the house.
My inner child wants to replace her alcohol with food coloring and water. I know that if you remove alcohol from someone who is dependent, you can kill them. It is more lethal to detox from alcohol without medical care supervision than it is to detox from heroin/crack/cocaine/opiates. Alcohol is a different drug. The body will become dependent on the alcohol. If the body of an alcoholic is suddenly deprived, kidneys and other major organs will begin to shut down.
I will be spending my time off this weekend...before "wine time," explaining to my mother that it is not okay to tell my 7 yr old that my 16 yr old is the favorite....it is not okay to tell my children negative things while I work my butt off trying to take care of us...and that I will no longer be paying any more bills in this house with her in it if she feels that I am not carrying my weight in the household.
I have full power of attorney but she is not incompetent and I want her to be happy.
She has been drinking since she was about 17, she is originally from Vienna.
Her drinking has become a problem and I am at my wits end trying to come up with a solution we can both live with. I live directly behind her and call several times a day or we visit back and forth. We live in a community with over 18000 people and I have discovered this is not an uncommon problem for elderly women.
She has a ninety-one year old sister who lives 20 miles away but has health issues of her own. We are fairly close and she appreciates the fact that I look after her sister. Want to know if I should try to get her into a full service home where she can have her own apartment and where there are many activities and social opportunities.
When she drinks heavy she wanders around the neighborhood and have had other neighbors come to me because she is confuse, lock herself out or crying.
I have discussed her problem with her when she is lucid, stating that when she cuts back on drinking, she is less confused, articulates much better and is not so forgetful. The neighbors have suggested going to social services but I worry that she may get caught up in the system and some unpleasant situations can happen.
Would appreciate any help on how to handle this situation. I have committed to look after her and cannot abandon her now. I am 76 and also have some health issues, I have hypertension and when she drinks heavy my blood pressure spikes.
She is difficult when she is drinking heavy.
My mom is killing herself. I do ACA but I cannot help but feel bad to set my boundaries. I love my mom I just do not like her when she is in denial. She is doing so much damage she has dementia from alcohol abuse. She is in and out of the hospital when she binges to the point of oblivion. She is choosing cigarettes and alcohol over food and she weighs 74 pounds. She has become more of a burden and completely narcissistic. I still feel sad, angry and frustrated. I would love to think she might get sober but she cannot be honest. I have gone through this my entire life and just want it stop stop. It is sooooooo hard to watch and harder to turn your cheek as I am her only daughter(child).
My mom is killing herself. I do ACA but I cannot help but feel bad to set my boundaries. I love my mom I just do not like her when she is in denial. She is doing so much damage she has dementia from alcohol abuse. She is in and out of the hospital when she binges to the point of oblivion. She is choosing cigarettes and alcohol over food and she weighs 74 pounds. She has become more of a burden and completely narcissistic. I still feel sad, angry and frustrated. I would love to think she might get sober but she cannot be honest. I have gone through this my entire life and just want it stop stop. It is sooooooo hard to watch and harder to turn your cheek as I am her only daughter(child).
Some districts have better staffing and facility than others; sounds like there are some poor decisions being made at yours.
When mom devolves into that state, it sounds more like she has chosen to try to use whatever substances she gets her hands on, to do a "socially acceptable" slow-suicide.
'Using' is "numbing-out"...she has entered into a life stage she cannot handle, mentally or emotionally, so Might be Using, to numb-out; she could also be thinking [many do this Subconsciously], that this could bring death faster, to gain release from untenable life circumstances.
It's AWFUL to witness loved ones, or anyone, doing this to themselves. They have really become like very small children....except the outcomes will always be death for the elder, whereas, for small children, the outcome is usually that they learn better and get better all the time. So, elders are only partially similar to small children, and, the circumstances of their care, are definitely NOT the same as small children [who learn to do better]. The size and scope of messes a small child makes are nothing, compared with those caused by a dysfunctional elder!
Whether a "wake-up-call" could be triggered by telling her .graphically. what slow death by alcohol is like at her age, is sitting on the fence...most usually refuse to engage in any conversation like that. They have retreated into their 'isolation cave', and don't want to come out.
Do what you can to cut her off of her supply of substance--it likely won't help much, if a neighbor or "friend" is aiding and abetting.
But, if you remove whatever alcohol you can find, it could slow it down, and, frustrate the neighbor by causing Mom's habit to be too expensive for the neighbor to feed anymore.
OTH...she is as she is.
At 74 lbs., she's barely skin and bones--even if a petit size. THAT can be a medical emergency....IF the hospital will look at it from that angle.
Usually, they try to avoid looking. People staffing facilities dislike dealing with psych issues, alcohol and drug issues cause increased psych issues--especially in elders....the whole modern-medicine-insurance-facility model is NOT designed to help those circumstances at all well....unless they can control the patients by some pills. They must be extremely careful about that, too, lest they get lawsuits for using restraints [whether tied hands and/or feet, or using drugs to heavily control behavior, or locking them in one room---both are restraints]
Sorry, not able to get too deep into detail here.
It can be awful trying to get professional help for elder substance abusers.... Medicine knows those rarely take prescribed meds reliably or properly. Medicine knows those types are poor conformers/direction followers.
You COULD simply Let Them report you for Elder abandonment---but really? Legally? THEY are abandoning, and trying to make it appear as though you are the one..... Look into what could really happen, by your local laws, if you simply refused to pick her up.
The hospital has limited options: They can put her back in a bed; they can move her to a different facility; they can try to coerce or scare you into taking the person back home.
But legally? About all they might successfully do To you for refusing to take her back under your roof is, to take full custody of her---that is, they can take the POA from you [unless you really want it back]; they can refuse your visiting your elder. They might try to make something stick in a "file", which might prevent your doing eldercare or even foster care on anyone else.
OTH...YOU can choose to go get an Elder Ombudsman/Client Advocate person, when a facility tries to pressure you into taking Mom back into an unsafe living situation at your house.
YOU tell them it is unsafe for the elder at your house, and why [you and your family have health issues that preclude doing elder care at all; the elder is abusive and it is endangering you or your family members--especially younger children; etc.] There needs to be good, rational reasons why the elder cannot return to living under your roof as before.
IF they still fail to "get it", reframe that, kinda like: So, you would rather I take Mom home to live under our roof, where her choices and behaviors and needs cause debilitating hardship or injury to others? Do you realize my taking Mom home, can trigger all of us to become homeless? [what fits your circumstances]...
UNfortunately, medical usually fails to count mental and emotional abuse by an elder on the caretaker.
Some caregivers get to the point of break-down, so simply LET the facility try to slap a worn-out, sick, financially compromised caregiver, with legal action when they tell the facility they cannot take the elder back to live with them.
THAT could result in very nasty Public Relations for the facility.
In a court motion, they would use EVERY bit of evidence that you are unfit in some very ugly ways....later, in a contest of that motion, you would have to prove otherwise.
I got to that point. My spouse and I were so physically sick, largely from Mom being in our house, taking apart our lives in every way, I was ready to simply LET them accuse me of elder abandonment or abuse... they had no actual evidence, really, unless they trumped-up fake evidence.
But I was at that point, to get them to physically remove her from our home, lest we died before her, related to her behaviors so badly affecting us.
HAVE YOU been keeping a Daily Diary of what is said, done, conditions, etc.? THAT is one of your best protections. HAVE YOU anonymously called for welfare checks on your Mom? HAVE YOU called the psych department every time she's acting out? HAVE YOU called 911 every time she might get violent or abusive towards you and your other family members, so there's a police report/paper trail?
When a facility tries to block you from visiting, or takes her POA, after you "abandoned" your elder to them ....they might get away with it, but that would be contestable, I think, legally...
You might be able to get POA and visitation back again, via the courts. Or you might only get parts of those.
Please place your Mom's situation in context of big-picture Risk: Benefit ratio. And, Mom is not the person you thought you knew while growing up.
She has changed, is much less of "herself", than ever.
Her body is dwindling, her mind is also [if she's always had psych issues, even undiagnosed...she's been an adventure to live with, already!].
She's not dead yet; but she is certainly not in the Land of the Living, either.
Only you can determine what collateral damage she has actually been causing in your home, and if any of that's OK with you--she's Unlikely to change.
IF she's been living in her own home, and is managing to get-by, that is really something...let her. It might also get gruesome, if there's a gas leak, or anything else to endanger her at home.
Only you can choose what is OK for you and yours, where your limits are...there will always be some who try to shove others beyond their ability to cope...that is, in other terms, considered bullying, or could even be considered abusive.
So, next time the facility/social worker or planning person tries to coerce you to take Mom back home, and Mom is still compromised, bring up any or all of the following:
MAGIC WORDS might include:
"Endangering herself or others";
"I am too unwell myself, to do more than be her POA, and maybe to visit her in facility" [be prepared to back that with your own medical records, if needed];
"Stop harassing me" [in context to what they say, which might sound like harassment]; also,
"That sounds like Bullying or Abuse towards a worn-out caregiver"...
DO state:
"The goal is to ensure Mom is safe and appropriately cared for;
I cannot physically or financially do that at home anymore;
by forcing me to take her back, you would cause me [and my family?] to become sicker, which could rapidly result in greater costs to the systems;
Mom is at the point of endangering herself and/or others;
Please place Mom into a facility, to protect her from endangering herself or others!"
behavior. We've tried many rehabs and he does not want to get sober. Is there
any where that will take alcoholics that are no longer able to care for themselves?