My husband finally got his 94 year old sister in a great nursing home run by a Catholic religious order of nuns who are devoted to caring for the poor. Before we got her accepted here (got her on Medicaid, too) she lived in a private senior hotel where she sat perched on her daybed, with diarrhea stains all around her on the floor, in a dirty nightie all day watching tv. She paid extra (money she didn't have - husband had to pay off her bills, get her electricity turned back on, phone re-connected, etc.) to have her meals delivered. She would fall (almost blind, walks with a walker) about every 2 weeks and they would call the city fire dept to pick her up. Well, you get the idea. She is highly intelligent, very private and has a haughty, demanding manner. She has always been a terrible complainer. Even the last time she saw their brother who was just dx'd with stage 4 lung cancer she spent 5 minutes complaining about the service in the senior hotel where she was then living in that they served the plate from the wrong side. You get the idea.
What galls me now is that she is doing SO much better - she's clean, well tended medically, they gave her their largest apt (which she insisted on!) bring her to meals in the pleasant dining room (she's in a wheelchair now having developed a pressure sore on her heel from her previous place) gets physical therapy 2 x a day - they stop in every few hours to bring her juice and see how she is. Everyone is very nice. She has a device with a nurse call button on it and it never leaves her hand. They come in the morning and wash and bathe her, put her on the toilet, dress her and bring her to breakfast, then they wheel her for therapy, then back to her room for some tv watching then lunch, more therapy, then back to her room, then to dinner, then back to her room where they come in later and prepare her for bed. The tv never goes off even all night. Bottomline - why the 15 complaints? Its insane her life is 1000% better. Small things irritate her, the staff comes in at different times, they all don't follow the same procedures, the coffee is often cold, yesterday they served a potato and vegetables with a grilled cheese sandwich!! Those 3 items don't belong on the same plate! OMG! There is nothing to do at night - they should have speakers and music and concerts - LOL - like she would even go!! Is this typical for life long crabby people - being 94 or 24 her brother tells me she was always a whiner but everything is so good for her now - surely even she must see that!!! Infuriating!! We both worked so hard to find the best place she could afford, get her all checked out medically at her favorite downtown hospital (had to rent a van to get her there $200.00 a visit) move her so she would qualify then get her moved and settled in. Now visiting her here is almost as bad as at the previous place - just a different set of complaints. When we left there yesterday we were sniping at each other - I guess from all the negativity we just came from - the room was toxic. Even now my blood is still boiling from her constant bitching. We only visit her ever 2 weeks and he doesn't even want to go then but I feel we owe it to her, i.e. visiting the sick. Next time we are going to try to just keep interrupting her when she goes on a rant and see how that works - sigh - we are dumbstruck by her still so negative and unhappy attitude.
Your experience hit home with me, even though my mother isn't in a care facility...yet.
I agree with others who posted that when you do join your hubby for a visit, just laugh it off, agree with her. "Well, goodness, if the coffee's cold we'll need to let them know about that!" or "Who in his/her right mind would put those items on the same plate?" It sounds like she's always been like this and you certainly can't change her spots now.
My 88 year old mother did a great job raising us. I know she loves us and we love her. HOWEVER...she is like you described your SIL. Very private. Kind of prissy, too, about some things although she used to do all her own lawn work and landscaping. Very smart and hard-working. Let's just say she's "particular" about things.
My father divorced her 30 years ago and she never got over it. She brings it up nearly EVERY time we speak, and I've told her I'm sick of it but she is NOT, obviously.
She still lives in her own home but it is becoming increasingly difficult for her to care for it. She constantly mentions her fear of nursing facility, how bad they are and that they leave people "sitting in their own poop" and "steal from everyone". She wants to just die at home, and as much as I dislike saying this, it would be best for her because she doesn't want to go anywhere else where she can make new friends and not be alone (she is two hours from us.) She is negative a lot of the time, says she gets down because of what my father did, but nothing I say has helped her get over this.
I have a full time job that I cannot quit due to financial reasons. My gut tells me she CANNOT live with us, and the subject has never been broached. I dread the day that I have to tell her this. She would never be happy living with us, though. She would constantly berate me about my father, wanting to know if I'm speaking with him and chastising me for having anything to do with him. (After 30 years, mind you.)
Wherever she goes, nothing will be right, she'll be afraid of the neighbors, and it will be constant complaining. When she complains, I just say, "yes, that's so bad." Some times she says I'm just being a "smarty-pants".
You and your husband sound like good folks - it is not your responsibility to make her happy, although I know that guilt really gets to us at times. Hang in there and just don't let this come between you both. How you chose to react to her negativity is up to you. Absorb it - or deflect it in a positive way. This seems to be working out for my husband when we visit her. He used to get steamed by her negativity, but now he just teases her and this seems to diffuse the tension and negativity spewing from her.
Best to you.
I think lots of them died before they got that old. My mother surveyed small pox, her sister surveyed polio, I had measles. My dad survived a ruptured appendix, his brother did not. When there are fewer folk surviving to great old age and dementia, you have fewer grumpy people in general.
My mom, on the other hand, is the opposite. She would have me wait on her hand and foot 24/7 if she could...even now that we finally found her a nice place, when she calls it's "I need you to bring me ____" "I need some different flip flops. The ones you bought me are white and don't match." "Take me out of here, I wanna come home with you", etc. It's never just a phone call or just a nice visit, it's an endless to-do list for me. So yes, for some unfortunately it is normal.
I've often wondered 'bout that too. My grandparents didn't seem near as "spoiled and demanding" as my mother. What's with our parents generation?
Like they're entitled or maybe it's just we're around them more and hear more griping.
Though long gone, all 4 of my grandparents were kind, hardworking souls who seldom complained and were tickled to be a part of their kids' lives. Thankful to be alive and kickin.' They were po' folks born near the turn of the century (1900) who led anything but privileged lives.
Not all seniors of today are dissatisfied and demanding, but many are. Which begs the question, "Why?" Or am I comparing the past and present through a distorted lens?
Unexpected vomiting. 3rd time in a month.
Of course, she is blaming the CNA's at the Home as the cause of her illness, i.e. they don't give her enough water to swallow a pill, they don't prop her head up high enough to swallow, they shouldn't give her the pill so early in the morning on an empty stomach. The pill is for acid reflux.
I guess the CNA's are following the Dr.'s orders. Oh, also she says they are giving her the "wrong" meds.
SIgh...Then she refused to stay overnight and insisted on going back to the Home at midnight so the poor CNA on duty had to bring her in, feed her, bathe and prepare her for bed, etc while she should have stayed in the hospital and saved everyone the aggragvation.
Now, today, she is throwing up "coffee grounds" - back at the ER. I
bet she has a type of esophogitis as she never drinks water and yesterday she said she had a very very sore throat, I guess from the vomiting.
We will be over there tomorrow to see what's going on. Today we were tending to another family member also at the hospital!!! I'm quite sure she will be blaming the CNA's, etc at the Home for everything as she "was FINE (not) until she moved in there!"
How long are your visits?
If they are over 20 minutes, it's too long!
I don't care that you only visit every other week. You shouldn't be "craming" many hours into a visit.
I have had to learn to read MY stress levels and leave BEFORE I come unglued. Since I've tuned into my feelings I don't get so worked up and then overwhelmed after the visit. At one point I was taking anti-anxiety medication before visiting her but, since I have paid attention to my anxiety build up from her attitude, I can nip any problem before it starts by leaving.
It's too bad that it has to be this way but seeing her for two 20 minute visits is better than not at all.
Also, give yourselves a "vacation" week off every now and again. This is not life and death stuff. You've done the best you can.
You & hubbie are great that you haven't cut her loose years ago - good on you both for still having a relationship with such a negative person .... so go forth with a halo on both your heads forever because she seems to be a royal pain in the old pattoot
God help us if we become more ourselves as we age. I'll be a shotgun toting (using a broom handle for the shotgun) show chicken farmer wandering around the AL looking for weasels and coyotes.
Another thing that I might suggest is bringing her some activities that she might enjoy, like an Adult Coloring book and color pencils, some simple puzzles, some books and magazines. Maybe some simple cross-stitch kits from the craft store, or things like that. Think of things that she used to enjoy, like maybe a handheld gaming device, that she could play solotaire on, or just a deck of cards. Another idea is a packet of pens, paper, and a box of various stationery cards and some stamps, so she can send out birthday cards and notes to friends and family, and maybe get her a calendar, so she can keep track of the days, weeks and months, and stay in touch.
The Dollarstore is a great resource for inexpensive gifts, to keep her busy, and less complaining!
She may like to have some snacks and cookies, some simple fruit, for light snacking in her room too!
She might appreciate a new throw for her bed, and some new slippers! You don't have to bring all these gotta call at once, but each time you visit, a little care package, to divert her attention from all of the negativity and complaints.
It sounds like you have done so much already, but do try to bring some happiness every time you visit, as their world's do become very small, and I'm sure the boredom really gets to her. Be Proud of all you've done, she is one Lucky Lady, to have such caring family! God Bless!
I do think that the parts of us we see in others is the biggest rub on our psyche. That's why people tell us how much our child that drives us crazy is just like us. 🤪