Let me start by saying my father-in-law has always been a sweet person, nothing bad to say at all.
He is divorced but has made it clear he 100% does not want to meet or be with anybody (partner) new. He has two children, his older daughter (who recently moved out of state) and his son (my boyfriend). My FIL has also had a series of health issues but is fully functional, but he says he’s sick and doesn’t and shouldn’t be alone. (My MIL says he’s just playing victim) My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years and I recently sort of moved in with him and his dad, we also just bought a puppy. I say sort of because the house, although big enough, is not updated with enough furniture to fully move in with all my stuff. So, I move back and forth between my parents’ house and their home.
My boyfriend has told me that his dad does not want to live alone - ever. He said he wants to come with us wherever we go live. Now, I mentioned to my boyfriend that if that’s the case, we might as well just stay at that house and fix it up ourselves, the upstairs is big enough to be sort of like a studio. However, we came to find out the house is not under the fathers name but instead his brothers- so we figured staying there might not be the best idea since we can’t put the house under our name.
A couple days ago, we slept over my boyfriends moms house and we stayed a couple of days. When we returned, my FIL was very upset that we left him alone for 2 nights.
Now, I struggle and have struggled with panic disorder and anxiety since I can remember, I too don’t like being totally alone but have found ways to cope and is eventually manageable, I also mostly feel this way if I’m left alone at my boyfriends because it’s not my home and it’s away from the city which I grew up in. So, I feel for my FIL and have thought many times, what if this was me or my parents in this situation? I feel so bad. But, like I told my boyfriend, the reason I wanted to move out from my parents is because I wanted privacy with him and so we could grow in our relationship and assume our own responsibilities together.
My FIL even told my boyfriend he’s thinking of selling their house and looking for a place…for the 3 of us.
I told my boyfriend to ask his sister for advise and she said “let him live with you he doesn’t do much so he won’t be a bother and y’all can do your own thing” to which I told my boyfriend, if that’s the case, then why doesn’t she offer her dad to stay at her house then? She’s married and building a brand new home out of state (a state which my FIL has mentioned wanted to move to).
Also, my FIL has his family visit him pretty often at the house, and I feel very uncomfortable when they’re there because of their past (stories I’ve been told) and strict religion.
Side note: my FIL stays in the living room and watched tv all day in the dark- he occasionally cooks but I feel that’s a sign of depression. We invite him to the movies or park and doesn’t want to go. He goes to visit family sometimes. He is talking to a therapist but he doesn’t believe in therapy. I believe he also was taking anxiety meds but not sure if he just doesn’t want to live alone or if it’s anxiety related or what.
My boyfriend doesn’t know what to do either, he feels bad for his dad but also would like to move out with me so we can have our own place. We’re both stuck on making a decision. We plan to stay at his house for the time being to save up money to leave but I also feel he wants to take his dad with, I feel bad saying no but I also feel like we should be able to live our lives just the two of us and our puppy.
What do you think? Would it be harsh if we move out without my FIL?
Back to the first para.
".. always been a sweet person, nothing bad to say at all."
So a mild passive personality.
"He is divorced but has made it clear he 100% does not want to meet or be with anybody (partner) new."
Brokenhearted. Understandable.
"He has two children.."
This is key.
This man may be thinking it is up to his kids to be his 'partners'. To support him, financially & emotionally.
**Dependant personality**
Lifelong disorder level or a temporary mental health crises I don't know.
"his older daughter (who recently moved out of state)"
SHE gets it!
With these dependant personalities you have two choices;
1. Be absorbed into their orbit to provide everything for them. Or
2. Move out of reach - usually a long way away.
(Possibly able to find a middle way IF able to maintain very strong boundaries).
Think about where you actually would like to live.
Start considering what job growth industries are there. What are your skills & values? Maybe it's time to really assess & look for a new career in a city/town a bit further away.
"Boyfriend is early 20s,
Dad is early 50s so he is fairly young".
Ah ha. You are YOUNG. Just starting out.. hence the house hopping.
I'd work towards growing your own independance. To your own rental you can afford. To complete your studies or stepping your work opportunities up. Either with the BF, or if he is not ready, on your own.
Dad is in his early 50s?
Needs encoragement to man-up & talk to his Doctor, a men's help line or councillor about his life. Or maybe grief counseling re recent loss of wife.
1) FIL ‘wants’ to live with you two. It’s in his best interests. He will have company, shared expenses, DIL to help with his increasing needs as he ages, no need to make his own entertainment, and plenty of time with a son he loves.
2) You ‘want’ a life of your own with your partner. You are not to keen on sharing the rest of it with FIL as well as your partner. That includes would sharing most meals, the living room in the evening, and a fair number of the outings. Not a lot of fun to look forward to, and potentially going on for a long long long time. Alternatively finishing in a bust-up for which you are almost certain to pick up some blame from both FIL and from partner. That’s not in your best interests.
3) Your partner ‘wants’ to keep both you and his Dad happy, and to reduce expenses for a while.
The cruncher here is whether your partner is committed to moving out with you as soon as possible. If he’s not committed to that, you might be better off splitting now, because the future could be just horrible – you unhappy, FIL more dependent and less reasonable, partner upset, lots of arguments, an unplanned pregnancy, and a much worse split. That’s what you need to discuss with your partner. You already know what FIL thinks. Good luck!
Please cut BF loose, go live somewhere on your own for a while, and become your own person. You'll have a clearer view of life, and you won't be entangled in your boyfriend's dad's (he's not your FIL) drama.
Once you see it all from a distance, I guarantee you'll realize you don't want any part of that.
If your boyfriend can not see separating himself from his dad, you need to rethink this relationship. My lands, that man could live for another 50 years and that would make you a senior citizen wondering what happened to your life.
Dad needs to grow up, go back to work if he isn't and get a flipping life. He's not even old enough to move into a 55+ community.
dad is early 50s so he is fairly young.
I say I’ve sort of moved in because like I mentioned, my boyfriends room is very outdated so it doesn’t fit much of my stuff - most of my belongings are still at my parents home with the exception of a few clothes I keep at my boyfriends house. We don’t want to remodel the room and buy furniture because we don’t know what type of space we’ll be moving to in the future and would rather wait to save and buy furniture for the place we move into in the future. Should we had planned this more carefully prior to me “moving in” definitely, however we don’t have much money and got laid off recently so we haven’t been able to really save up much (school, living costs, etc.) so NO we’re not “just looking to live off people” absolutely not. The reason why we stay at his moms house and at my parents is only when we visit and sleep over, his parents are divorced so we try to visit his mom and step dad often especially now that we’re laid off and have more time to spend with family. I thankfully was able to land a job I’m starting soon, and he’s working on a career change, needless to say we’re both actively looking for work and to save money and move out. This post was simply directed at the fact that I feel bad leaving the dad to live alone and was wondering if I was being harsh at thinking it should be only my boyfriend and I moving out or if I was right in that a couple should live together without bringing along a parent or if the dad was being unreasonable.
Please don’t make important decisions about your future around your BF’s dad.
Of course, you want him to be happy but you should not sacrifice your own happiness to accomplish this.
These are your building years for your future. Focus on achieving your goals. That should be your primary concern right now.
Is this what you want? Enough with the ‘sort of’ moved in, sort of this and sort of that. In reality, do you want your BF’s dad hanging around 24/7? Think long and hard about it.
Dad can move in with others his own age. If you are serious about this guy, don’t you want to be number one in his life? That’s what you deserve. Don’t settle for the number two spot.
Forget about dad’s house. Work hard and pay your own bills and rent. It will mean more to you having earned it yourself.
I want to move out and pay our own bills and house etc that’s why I told my boyfriend I want to move out just the two of us so we become more responsible. We were both laid off recently so that stalled our plans in saving money at the moment. The only reason I suggested staying there was to make it easier on the dad (he has his own comfort space in his house) because again, I’m conflicted on us leaving him alone.
Facilities are “cold storage” for the elderly!
Oh, Please!!! What century do you live in? We have evolved!
Welcome to the modern world instead of the dark ages.
It would not be harsh to move out without your boyfriend's father, no. He has a reality check coming up, and so does his daughter who's trying to pawn the 'easy-peasy lemon squeezy' man off on YOU. If he's so easy, why doesn't SHE take him in? Because it's a huge invasion of privacy on HER life, as it is on yours, that's why.
I don't know how old you are, you don't say, but you sound very young and as if you've just moved out of your parent's home and in with your boyfriend. You don't mention jobs or how you plan to save money while living in other people's homes ? If you want to move out w/o your boyfriend's dad, then go ahead and move out..........but make sure you have the financial wherewithal to DO it and survive. B/f needs to have an honest chat with his dad about wanting to live alone, the two of you, and while he loves his dad, it's not in your plans to invite him along. Lay the truth out on the table BEFORE dad convinces himself he's welcome to live with you for LIFE. My parents had that idea in their heads and I nipped it in the bud immediately; it's the only kind thing to do. THEN dad will be able to make plans for his own future that does not include you.
I personally think it's a bad idea to start out life together with a depressed old man to deal with. Young couples need to strike out on their own and learn how to live together and build a life, alone, w/o the burden of caregiving an elder attached to it. If your b/f can't do that, then I'd reconsider this relationship if I were you. You already have an anxiety disorder to deal with, how's that going to be with this man to care for TOO? Because you WILL be caring for him as time goes on, that's the PLAN, make no mistake. You don't know from anxiety until you're knee deep in adult diapers and a blow out in the bathroom. Things to think about.
Best of luck.
I hate to even mention the word "maturity," but I'm going to anyway. Maturity. Where is it? You and boyfriend live with dad to save money for your own place. That's reasonable, since dad agrees. But you sleep over at his mom's place too. And your stuff is somewhere in limbo, and you sleep over at your parents' house and also at the house you and boyfriend share with the dad. And you don't like boyfriend's family, so you don't want them at boyfriend's dad's house, which isn't really his house. And now you have a puppy.
No, it's not wrong for you to move out of the house that's not really dad's (and he's not your father-in-law until you're married to his son). In fact, you and boyfriend need a long-term plan as to how to move forward in your lives. You've been together five years and you're hopping from one place to another because so far you're avoiding being grown up. Leaving it up to other people to keep a roof over your heads is pretty juvenile.
Set a time period. You live with dad for six months or whatever, and you plan and save a target amount of money. Then you've already looked at places and know where you want to live. So you move there. Tell dad long ahead of time what you're going to do so he knows he'll have to take care of himself. Dad isn't your responsibility and you don't want him to be. If boyfriend does, that's his problem. He can have the puppy, too.
Your anxiety might be a lot less if you figure out how to adult. I wish you luck, and I hope you and boyfriend can figure out a way to make your dreams come true. Your dreams, not his dad's.
PS I also think it's time to have a reality check with boyfriend. Does he want a life together with you, and is marriage in the picture? You need to know before you start kicking this old can further down the road.
Basically from my view is FIL needs to take responsibility for his own mental health.
He can seek out support, advice & treatment. Can look into his character as to why he wants to be dependant.
Support your boyfriend to support FIL to seek HIS OWN help.
It may be depression, anxiety, fear, his personality traits or any other reason. But if FIL has lost his joy for life & is 'needy' this will not be 'fixed' by him moving in. This behaviour can grow & snowball. Can suck the life from others. There have been many posters who describe an elder with growing dependance, their constant worry, the constant 'don't leave me alone', their constant need for those around them to fix their problems.
Nip this now.
I think you should consider private counseling so you can learn for yourself what you want, what your limitations are, what you will do to put yourself in a position so you are in no way dependent on this boyfriend, and how to move forward with your options in life. One of which I doubt is this boyfriend.
I was first going to suggest relationship counseling, but it is clear that you boyfriend has made his choice and his decision, and your opinion here is of NO importance to him. It is time now for you to move on with your life, in my own personal opinion, or to sacrifice your own happiness willingly for the needs and wants of these two men.
Really the choice is yours alone, and I wish you very good luck in making this hard decision with has a whole lot of grief all at once right now, or ongoing torment over many years. My heart goes out to you.
Second..Of course SIL says let dad move in..cuz he is moving in with you not her.
If FIL has any input as to what or where you purchase or rent it will not be your home.
My suggestion...Do not let him move in with you and your BF. and You should not move in with them.
You mention he has some health problems. Are you prepared to be the Caregiver because that is what will happen.
If dad/FIL is able to live on his own he should do so. If he is nervous about living on his own he can hire a caregiver to come in to check on him. He can move to an Assisted Living facility where there will be people around and activities for him.
If he can manage an Adult Day Program might be good for him or several hours a few days a week at the local Senior Center for activities and socialization.
If he is a Veteran the VA may have programs that can help. (and if he is a Veteran is there a possibility that he may have PTSD and that is why he does not want to be alone? If that is even a remote possibility it should be followed up)
No man should ever put his parents before his girlfriend/wife. And if they do, you know where their priorities lie.
Please don't ever settle for not being number one in your mans life.
His dad can move into an assisted living facility if he doesn't want to be alone. There he will be around all kinds of people his own age and stay as busy as he'd like, and you and your boyfriend can get on with living your life without him in the same house.
Stand your ground now or you will forever live to regret it.