Dealing with guilt; any advice?

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Dealing with guilt; any advice?

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Hello all. This forum is saving my skin. Have a very demanding mom who is going to be 94 this month. She insists on living in her own place, a county away, then incessantly whining that no one cares about her. During the pandemic, I made and brought her food, visited, spent quality time with her. I made 10 visits in the last three months on my day off, and it has burned me out to a crisp. She can never get enough. Instead of being grateful, she demanded more, and said, "I'm not dead yet. All you want is my money." This could not be farther from the truth. I was stunned and hurt- although this is how she has treated me all her life. A narcissist to the core. I blocked her from my phone at the recommendation of my therapist for 30 days. Her unkind behavior has turned into abuse. It has provided me with respite but I feel very guilty about not talking with her. I know if I give in, I will start back up her abusive behavior. Has anyone dealt with this? Advice would be very much appreciated. Thanks.

Burnout Care Decisions Guilt Mom

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The money card is her play - she may feel she has no other 'hold' over you-I am sorry for both of you- but she sounds as she is so ungrateful and for the efforts you make - and you sound like you have been wonderful and while being busy with your own life-
write a plan that is what you can and want to do to help - what is a reasonable amount to do - stick to it and feel good about it - don't let her or anyone else guilt you in to doing more ( unless you want to)
So no more guilt -

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You have identified the problem when you wrote “she can never get enough. Instead of being grateful, she demanded more...”. Whatever you do, however much you try, you will always fall short of what is expected and demanded of you. This is not your fault or a failure on your part. This is your mother manipulating and controlling you, using guilt and emotional blackmail. Your therapist is talking sense when she suggests blocking her from your phone - and look at the difference it has made to your health already when you write of the respite it gave you. Moving forward, if I were you I would limit the contact you have, to a level that is ok and healthy for you, possibly phoning in once a week to start with or just writing a good old fashioned letter if a phone call is too much. You don’t have to visit in person only to be abused. Make the contact on your terms and adopt a caring tone. You can still care about someone remotely and from a distance and if you encounter abuse, end the call or throw away any abusive letter you receive in return. Forget the threats about wanting their money. In my experience people who say that are just using money as some kind of bargaining tool, and you could spend the rest of their life trying to please them to avoid being cut out of their will, only to find they’ve left everything to the local dogs home anyway! Your mother is probably unhappy with her life but that does not give her the right to blame or lash out at you for this. Try caring for her from a distance for a while, focus on being kind to yourself and put your own needs and health higher up in your priorities. You deserve more kindness and less abuse.

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Yes I did for many years. Tried to be civil and always apologized. Then she took me to the truck of her car. It had the gifts I had given her for years not opened or used. I asked why are they here? She replied, “I don’t want that junk!” This was the last straw for me after years of abuse I cut her completely out of my life. No guilt here.

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My God! Imagine planning that for years! You know where the guilt likes.

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"She insists on living in her own place, a county away"

Your Mother is living her life her way, by her own choices (good or bad). It's her life to steer as she will (unless in the future someone becomes her legal Guardian).

That's where I am with my relative. She will not move into AL (that was deemed necessary by medical professionals), will not appoint a POA. Doctor advised me NOT to help her. At all. To wait for a crises then let HER choose her path from whatever real options are available at that time. (Most likely is transfer to the first available NH bed).

I used to feel guilty that I could not steer her to better plan but now am at peace with it. Her lack of planning will decide the plan. This is what SHE is chosing for herself.

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Wow Beatty, did you help me! I sometimes feel guilty that I cannot help her, because she won't let me - unless it's something that SHE wants, usually something I don't want to or can't do. More than one doctor has advised a NH for her, but not in her plan - so be it, no guilt when the crisis arrives.... I do what I can, no more, till then.

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Send her a written letter with the resources that she might need like grocery service, recommendations for help (like Seniors Helping Seniors, Capital Area of Aging, a caregiver, a lawyer, & AL for the future. Otherwise take the advice of your therapist as you have done all that you can for her & now it's time to take care of yourself. You should not be the object of ridicule, abuse or belittling. Is there another relative or neighbor that could help her if/when she needs it? Good luck to you! 🙏

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You owe it to yourself to have helped just a little bit, now that time has passed before you disable her from getting the help she truly needs on her own. While she still can maybe help herself.

Have experienced the demands for more and more myself.

Now, you owe it to yourself to follow your therapist's timely advice.
Or, what are you paying for? You must have needed this protection, or it would not have been advised. So, no guilt needed.

When the 30 days are up, block your phone some more, or get a new number. imo.

P.S. I have always thought an explanation to the narcissist would be nice, but it just does not work at all, imo. Ask your therapist.

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Imho, you SHOULD not and CANNOT get drawn into her narcissism since you already know that it will not bode well. My own mother was not a narcissist, though she was not a nurturer either.

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From what you write here, my heart goes out to you. Had it been me in your shoes, I would have said "good bye" long ago. You owe her nothing. She has done nothing but abuse you and degrade you and destroy you. I don't care if she is just mean and selfish or have dementia, whatever. She has NO right to harm you and do these things to you and you are a fool if you allow her to do this. You must let her have it and tell her she has to stop at once forever or you are going to walk. This woman does not deserve your guilt (for doing what - you did nothing wrong - she is the bad one). Block her phone calls; stay away from her completely. I would perhaps consider a Power of Attorney so you can do what you need to do one day when she has to leave and go into a facility - but I am not sure what is going to work. But in the meantime, put up a wall and think of YOU - people like this deserve nothing from anyone - ever. Let them reap what they sow. YOU get on with your life and don't look back. I learned that too late in life the hard way. Once I did that, my life was so much better. Walk away before she destroys you - she is not worth your efforts and care.

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Yes, I am going through it with my 96 year old mother who lives alone. I can't do anything right in her eyes. I haven't seen her or spoken to her since last Sunday. My husband and I are going to go to her house this afternoon. My son goes to her house 2 or 3 times a week to get her groceries, get her mail, and take out her garbage. She is always sweet as pie to him!! Always on her best behavior with her grandsons!! She doesn't get out with this pandemic so I can't just leave her alone forever. I can't abondon her. So I limit my time with her to once a week and my son goes over during the week. I blew up at her last Sunday after having a nice conversation with her for 3 hours. She wouldn't let me take her coat to the tailor to have a button put on it because I wouldn't do it right!!! I blew up!! Then she has the nerve to say there is something wrong with ME!!! As I was walking out the door she yells, don't come back here again. She says those words every time I leave her damn house!! The only reason my Mother doesn't tell me "all you want is my money" is because she doesn't have any. She gambled my father's retirement money away years ago!!

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Three hours is a long conversation, with plenty of time to get tired and nasty. Perhaps it would help to quit while you're ahead, earlier on.

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Stick with your therapist!!!

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Been there done that.

I merely informed my mom that there will be no further contact until she is prepared to behave with respect towards me. It took about four months for her to come around.

Sometimes she reverted back to her old ways and there is no contact with her for a week. She now behaves when a warning is given that this behaviour is no longer acceptable.

I too was in therapy at the time and that was the therapists advice which I am glad I obeyed. It was tough but worth it.

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I love that plan!

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I believe Sunnygirl is right: dementia increasingly, relentlessly, complicates dealing with a parent who has longstanding mental health issues. I am learning (slowly) to let go of MY need to reason and explain....which have never worked in my whole life...but now are utterly futile with a parent who cannot remember what I tried to explain 5 minutes ago, and who unreliably knows who I really am.

I have been afraid to get in-home help with Covid. My area has not begun to “peak”. But I intend to follow some of the advice in this thread, to get help a few hours a day, 4 or 5 days a week, as soon as It seems safe.

Also... one poster mentioned a few simple phrases to say to an unappreciative, demanding parent. My experience at this point in the journey is that saying short simple sentences does help MY frame of mind. Reminds ME what I am doing and why. But my impaired mother does not remember the rational sentences... however the feeling of disappointment and anger she feels when I say this stuff DOES LAST. And her feelings last longer than they would if I just didn’t explain in the first place. So now, I usually just say “ yes, I know it is hard. I am sorry you feel bad (worried, scared, angry, disappointed, whatever)”. And continue with my plans for the day.

sorry for long and rambling reply!

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So she is thinking you are "just wanting her money" and wishing she was dead? Perhaps she need reassurance. It is hard to offer warmth to those who did not give it to us. But it does help.

Have you tried to explain to her what you are thinking and feeling? For the pushy types, it may have to be said strongly and repeatedly, but clear communication is needed. Often we show that we are annoyed but self-centred people are unable to figure out why. It is good to model a better way of speaking with kindness, patience, generosity. Even when they don't "deserve" it. Think how much patience, kindness and forgiveness others have given to us when we didn't deserve it. (Sure, we could have benefitted from more of that from our mothers, but it has instead been provided elsewhere for us via other people.)
If we choose a good day when we feel calm and able to speak well - firmly, clearly but kindly - we can tell our dependees things like:
"I'm glad to continue helping you with things that you need, but I feel you are ungrateful and keep asking for more. I do have other things I have to do in my life and I'm feeling worn out. I do care about your wellbeing, which is why I help you out lots (don't be tempted to list what you do, this can backfire!) If you are able to co-operate and if you speak respectfully, I can continue to care for you. But I really need you please to stop complaining and to realise that I cannot be always available as soon as you want me. If I can have some peace and not be called upon so often, I will come with more energy and enthusiasm when you really do need help."

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Respite what a wonderful word, my mother has lived we me 30 years, getting more and more needy now she is totally dependent on me she has LBD mind and body gone. Doesn’t now who we are, trying to walk her is like trying to walk a 115 pound piece of wood. She can speak but nothing makes any sense. She is with me 24/7 bedtime is wonderful. I diaper dress bathe feed and think for her. If she wants something she makes noises verbal noise not words or she will take her cup and hit it to the chair, or clap nonstop. I do love her even those she doesn’t know who I am, but I need time off from caring for her.

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I have said this time and time again but no one listens so you suffer for the which you should not be made to suffer. When someone's behavior and actions, for whatever reasons (I don't really care why) affects YOU and harms you and destroys your life, then you MUST not allow it under any circumstances. If you cannot stop the nonsense, you have to take appropriate action and remove them and place them so you can live your life. Not to do that is pure insanity - and feel NO guilt about it.
Stand firm - it must stop once and for all or there will be severe repercussions - and be prepared to follow through.

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Sounds very familiar to me although my mom lives 10 minutes away. For my sanity and my sister's a sitter for hired for her 4 hours a day. This has been a Godsend. It relieves my mind to know she has good care but I do not have to physically provide it. I highly suggest use your mom's money now and find home care. We used Concierage Care and were very satisfied. I have learned to ignore the 10 plus calls some days and let her leave a message. If urgent I can call back. Sister and I pay all her bills, use instacart for groceries and provide home cooked meals. We also take care of her meds. This has eliminated a great deal of complaining. Mom claims she cannot walk and crabs around on her walker. She certainly can walk when it suits her. A manipulation game for sure! Mom is 85 and has mild dementia. Wanted to add we got mom a life alert for added safety. To make matters worse we care for a 91 year old aunt with more advanced dementia. The aunt has a lot more care in her home 7a-7p and is monitored at night with the Nest app(video). Presently she is able to sleep at night with prescribed meds.

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This is currently my life. My M finally agreed to move closer to us. Five minutes versus twenty five minutes. I can be at her beck and call so much more easily and she is more miserable now than ever. I use to feel horrendous guilt now I’m at a new level, I have no feeling. I feel bad about that but... I feel better at the same time. My M favorite guilt trip comment is, “I’m YOUR Mother”, ugh. Keep taking deep breaths and know you aren’t alone. Good luck!

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I suggest the next time she says that ask her what she means by that. My father has pulled that a few times“ I am your FATHER “ and my response was “and? “. He didn’t know what to say. That only has meaning if you are still living under their roof being fully supported by them.

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Im sorry to hear about your situation. Before you call your mom, or unblock her you might think about what your going to say and how things need to be different in the future. Otherwise he will continue to manipulate you and you will go back to being stuck in the same cycle of codependency, doing things for her and then being angry because of everything you do. She needs to know that you love her but that you also have a line with what you can and can't do. In short you shouldn't do anything you don't want to do because that's where the guilt will come from. In a way you should stand up to her but as loving as possible, know that with her narcissistic nature your putting your foot down won't go well at first but things will turn around if you stand your ground. Good luck and go bless you

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Hi! This is working for me; now if only she could remember that I won't be doing whatever.....

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Hi there. Dealing with a parent or anyone who has Narcissistic personality disorder is really a chore. Man.....there are no words. For those who know, it's challenging to say the least.

Congratulations that you have a therapist and have set some boundaries. I'd continue to work with that until you can let go of any lingering issues.

I'd also consider that even with with NPD seniors can develop dementia. When they do, they have the symptoms of dementia like other people in that they lose judgment and memory. I'd wonder if that has happened to your mother. With NPD, sometimes, it's difficult to tell. They are already have no appreciation or empathy for others.

Is there someone who can check on your mother and see if she is okay or perhaps in need of intervention due to cognitive decline? Perhaps a neighbor, family friend, pastor, social services, etc. could check on her regularly and that way, you don't have to feel worried about her. I'd try to keep my distance. I hope you can continue to move in such a positive direction. I'll look forward to seeing your post about the progress.

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Thank you so much. Great recommendations; yes, she has a few neighbors who check in on her regularly (thank God). I really appreciate your support and advice.

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Was she ever any different? Isn't this what she trained you for? An attempt at Sainthood? Still waiting for the "You are a good child and I love you?" Feeling guilty for trying to do your best? It is time honestly to get help for yourself so you can make yourself a decent life. She has no answers for you; she never did. It is up to you what you want for your future. We have two chances at family. Your first chance, being brought up by decent loving Mom is done with. Don't give up your second chance by staying steeped in the agony of the first failure. Move on and make your own family. There are many decent people out there waiting for you. Needing you. She has nothing for you. Let her seek the loving kind help of strangers and end her life in their loving care. They DO get paid for it. She can give them her money. Move on. Break the cord.

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Thanks for your response. Yes, I am happy to say I have created my own family with a husband and two grown daughters. You are right: I've been in therapy over her bad behavior for years. This is not new. Thanks for the support and insights.

Dealing with guilt; any advice?

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