My mother who lives with us is early 70's, stays to herself for the most part, but she is in dire need of social interaction. No matter when my husband comes out from his office, she is right there to do something in the same room as him. She has run of the house the entire day and waits until we are off from work to come out and do the dishes or empty the dishwasher, when we are trying to relax. When I do say something to her, she becomes the martyr. She has lived independently for over 12 years, so it almost appears as if she wants to rule the house and is very opinionated about certain items. I feel guilty when trying to redirect her as I feel like I am treating her like a child and making demands of her. I don't know how to talk to my mom without getting emotional. Our relationship has always been strained, so there is no bond to work from. However, having her live with us is putting a strain on my marriage. We are constantly bickering about how to deal with her and my husband is fed up with my mom. We don't want her to move out, but we are demanding that she find volunteer work outside the house so she can have the social interaction she desires, without bombarding us with every little thing she has done that day.
When she does come out of her room, she likes to stop and stare at you. When you ask her what she wants, she says nothing. She frets over every little thing. When we get the mail, we give her her mail, but I left junk mail sitting on the counter and she fretted over that stack and reviewed it 4 to 5 times. She was told it was our junk mail and we were going to shred it. She was insistent that we check it because it was a bill. She likes to do this with most items and it has become an issue. She also likes to tell me something and then turn around and tell my husband the same thing. The majority of her conversations are not based on reality. She likes to say there are gremlins that did something in the kitchen. I tell her there are no such thing as gremlins, but she does it to be cute. It would be cute if it was once a month saying, but this is all the time. She has all her faculties, but we think it is for shock value and attention. She also wants to be validated for every little thing she does and it has become a major sticking point with my husband and I. The most mundane of tasks, that are expected to get done and she likes to make sure numerous times that we are aware she did the task. I am so tired and dread coming home when I do leave the house, knowing that she will say some off the cuff remark when we walk through the door that will send my husband into orbit. Mostly venting as today has been a rough day. I had a talk with my mom about leaving my husband alone and going out and finding a volunteer position that gets her out of the house. She said fine, I will make arrangements to move out. I did not question her decision.
I feel I am rambling, but just typing this out is therapeutic as I hold all this inside each and every time my husband and I discuss how I should handle her.
Secondly, you say you don't have a good relationship with your mother, you constantly bicker, and it's affecting your marriage, yet you don't want her to move out. Why not, exactly? If it were me, I'd get her into Assisted Living (or even Independent Senior Living if appropriate) yesterday. Living in such a stressful environment is not good for ANY of you. Trust me, I know. I grew up in such a household and have emotional scars to prove it to this day, at 62 years old. You're not doing yourself, your mother or your husband a favor by keeping her where she's a burden.
In Assisted Living or Independent Living, she'd have plenty of social activity to keep her busy and amused. Other elders to talk to as well, which is very important, especially if she's on, or going down, the dementia highway. Being able to interact with others who are in the same boat is very, very beneficial to most elders. Consider looking into such an arrangement for your mother and don't be a martyr yourself by feeling you 'have to' keep her living in your home. You don't. It's not a requirement. My mother has been in Assisted Living since 2014 and I'd have it no other way. We are kind of like oil & water she and I, so there is no way I'd EVER consider having her living with me and my DH. She's quite happy in AL, and now lives in the Memory Care section of the place due to her dementia advancing.
Wishing you the best of luck moving forward.
There are many senior living opportunities to consider, why not start making a doable plan and tour some of these facilities.
My mother is now in AL and she really likes it, she is with people her own age, enjoys the activities and has made several new friends.
IMO this current living situation will never work. Good Luck.