I have posted in this forum before regarding my mother who I take to Florida for the winter and have done so for 5 years since she was widowed. She now has memory issues but what is getting to me is her constant gloom and doom. We are back from Florida, I took her to her home and turned her care over to my sister who lives five minutes from her as I live an hour away. I find myself not wanting to even visit right now or help out. I've been the main caregiver for the last five years and the go to for everything and before that was the go to for mom and my stepdad. I am burned out, but the hard thing is my mother is so negative to be around. All she talks about is who is sick and dying. She lives in a small town where there is a lot of gossip and everyone knows what everyone is doing, I live in a city where I know nothing. I'm not interested in the gossip of mom's small town, it's usually negative, sad things. There seems there is no joy in my mother's life anymore despite the fact she has 11 great grandchildren, a church family and a family who loves her. From the time I walk in, she starts talking about who is sick, who is dying, etc. she even does this on the phone. In Florida for 3 month, she stayed in the house on the recliner under a blanket when it was beautiful outside. When our friends would visit she gave them the third degree, asking everything about them. She was bothered by the fact a neighbor owned four cars and commented about every time we drove by. Every time we go to someone's house for dinner, she immediately starts worrying there aren't enough seats for people to sit and eat. She worries if there are enough parking spots. She seems overly concerned about empty stores and constantly comments about them. It's about driving me crazy and I find myself not wanting to be around her. I feel awful feeling that way. She is on an antidepressant and antianxiety med. from the time I walk into her house I start feeling anger. I have been there for my mother ever since my dad died forty five years ago, been there for mom and my stepdad, he passed five years ago, is it I am just burned out and it's time to step aside and just let my sister completely take over? She has not been there for mom totally before but has done better since returning from Florida mainly because I have been sick also since returning. My brother doesn't help at all. Something needs to change, I don't want to feel anger towards my mother. I think she has OCD, of course age appropriate dementia some of these things she can't help but something in me has changed after this last stay in Florida and I don't like me.
In any case, I think caregiver burnout is a good guess. Could Sister take over for 3 months? See how all three of you are doing at the end of that period. Are you rested up and ready to resume some of the care? Is Sister still mostly sane? Or is it time to consider a different care arrangement?
My 82 yr old mom also loves to talk about who's dying (if she can remember the facts), gruesome headline tragedies and dwell on the negatives.
Hang in there and just say no and take time out for yourself - this website has given me the courage to do so.
If your mom is "with it" enough, you may not be able to deal with the anxiety, but you could say to her okay, now tell me something positive. My friends did that with their mom and it made a difference...and you probably have tried some version of this already.
But none of this solves the burn out and yet sense or responsibility your are feeling. So many people note on this site that you have to give yourself some room, a rest, some distance if your physical/mental health is impacted and you have that option. Sometimes it takes the distance to be able to let go just let go a little and pay attention to your own needs and regroup to get to the next best option. Best of luck.
And you are Julie McCoy, Cruise Director, plus caregiver for your Mom. Not unusual to crash and burn from the physical and emotional exhaustion. Thank goodness you have a sister who is willing to pick up where you left off. It will give you a breather. It will take time to recover from all the negativity that seems to surround your Mom, but that is her world now.
Could it be, since YOU'VE been sick since you came home, that her negativity is bothering you more than it normally would?
It's very frustrating when our loved ones won't act the way we think they should. Your mom has gone on a negative jag and, providing that she doesn't have dementia, might benefit from some counseling. We tend to not think of seniors as needing mental help. Seek out a therapist for her and try a couple of sessions. Meds are helpful but, IMO, nothing beats therapy.
You have had a tremendous responsibility of caring for her for many years. Caregivers become worn down and anything can get on your nerves. Might be a good idea to relinquish the care of mom to your sister, especially since she's starting to help out.
It's no good to be a dead hero. Give yourself a break.
So don't. See what happens.
And why are you feeling differently towards her? Because you're sick of it. Sick of her small horizons and her constant complaining and her endless needs and NOBODY ELSE ever lifting a dam' finger.
Usually, being "sick of" something is metaphorical. But in the end it can become literal. Yes, hand over. Time somebody else took a turn. Enough is enough. Give yourself time off and see how you feel after a good long break.