Behavior I expect/need from elderly father. Am I being unfair?

Once, Paul. Once, he asked you to travel the two hours to take him to an appointment, and you agreed to it. Under protest, I grant you, and it cost you actual money which must have hurt, but you did agree. Don't do it again. But let it go.

Look, you're not being unfair to him. You are being unfair to yourself in that you are expecting your father to behave like someone he is not.

At the moment, you are feeling frustrated and put upon because he isn't stoical, considerate, self-sufficient as far as possible and grateful for everything else. If he suddenly started being all of those things... would you even recognise him?

Also, I have to say: apple - tree. Your father has a wide range of options and possibilities that he doesn't follow up, for whatever reason; and then he complains about how much pain he's in and how difficult everything is. Hmmm.

These are the rules:
He can say what he likes, you decide what you do.
He can do what he likes, you decide what you contribute.
Stop wishing he was different from what he is actually like.

Paul, I have been following along your issues with your Dad’s need for control. I’m going to look at this from your wife’s standpoint. Your question is are you unfair to him!? I don’t think so, but it sounds like you’re unfair to her. You can’t stand up to him, let him manipulate you, and then grouse about it. Your small victories against him still piss you off that they had to be won. You let him roil you and consume your thoughts and tap your energies. It’s not fair to her or your family. Your wife has understandably given up on dealing with him. But you can’t or won’t back away. It’s not a pretty picture and I hope it’s not doing irreparable harm to your marriage.

I’m sorry if I’m too blunt or offended you, sometimes I can get that way, especially regarding something that I personally couldn’t tolerate. I guess I’m just asking for you to Please think of Her as your #1 responsibility in your dealings with him. When he’s on the phone demanding something, take a breath, picture your wife’s pretty face instead and react how she would want. Maybe that image will help. Just a thought and good luck.

You can expect all you want - why should your dad change? He is not likely to change. So YOU have to change - how you respond. It is totally OK to set boundaries and enforce them. "NO" is not a four letter word. Do what YOU WANT for your dad out of love and compassion - say NO to the rest.

You seem to want your dad to figure out that he is being a bully and he will never acknowledge it. So do what YOU WANT.

If you are so on edge from having dealt with him lately - take a break. Go no contact for awhile.

But do what YOU want, and stop being angry with your dad for being like he is.

About 15 years ago I started setting boundaries with my mom - who of course raised holy hell about it. We went no contact several times for about six months at a time. NOW I have a good relationship with her because she knows what will happen if she doesn't respect my boundaries.

now am working on boundaries with my sister - who is a manipulative bully. Take the emotion out of it and the wishes out of it. What will you accept / not accept? What will you do? when my boundaries are pushed - I firmly say "NO" and if they get to badger or bully I exit, physically or hang up phone. "I'm sorry, I won't let you speak with me that way. I love you. Good bye" and repeat, repeat, repeat.

Good luck

Do you have a regularly scheduled visit weekly, biweekly, monthly that you see him and help him?
If not, I highly recommend that you sit down with your calendar and your wife and children's calendar and figure out a day monthly that you can give just to him.

Then you can say, dad when I am there on --- we will take care of that. If you need it sooner here are the options.

My dad played the heavy handed, I'm more important than anyone else. He even told my husband, if we could get rid of Ray we would be okay. Ray being my husband.

One time he was told to not contact me for a week, he thought he would be in charge and call because he needed something, I knew he was all stocked up before he was told no contact. He was sucking the life out of me. So it ended up being about 2 weeks because every time he called it added a day to the no contact. I didn't answer the phone, I let him leave messages and I didn't call back. He finally got that I have a life and you can be part of it, with boundaries, no boundaries, no part. It is hard to stand up to our parents but we are not little kids and they stopped being in control when we started paying our own bills.

Let us know how your regularly scheduled visits and strong boundaries help.

You described my dad. I let him get away with it for awhile then I learned how to say NO. Start saying it. It gets easier each time you do. I also learned not to jump when he wanted something. I would do it but on my time schedule. I was able to retrain him. He still may demand but he does accept a NO when I say it.

While I am firm believer in if you can, take care of your parents, I am also a firm believer in not judging those don't. Not everyone can, and you cannot always know the whole story or outcome.
Before getting to the point, I like to point out that age cannot be blamed on problems. More often than not, it is bad, unhealthful habits that eventually catches up to people. Treat yourself right when you are younger, including things you hate, like proper exercise, proper eating with junk in very moderation, rare small drinking or none at all and never smoke do things to keep the brain sharp, be good about medical help when need it and follow through, etc., then you can be independent when you are elder. Also, deciding to slow down after a certain age certainly does not help. You all the more need activity when elder, even start by chair exercises. Gotta keep mobile to keep from getting immobile. Also, think young to treat yourself better. I have a very independent almost 93 year-old great-aunt. She has a couple things going on, but she beats her stuff instead of her stuff beating her. If there is one advice I can tell young folks, your life's goal should be caring for yourself the right way now so, unless something freak happens, you can live freely when you are elder. Save something every month, so when you get elder, not everything falls on the kids; instead, they can check in on you, but still live their lives. After all, you wanted to live yours, right? Taking care of kids is way different than caring for parents.
Onto the point now, I totally get it. My mother, if she was living with me, and on top of it, I got my own baby ( a mid-teen), my mother and I can be alright over the phone sometimes, but in person, in five minutes already something to pick at me about. She is miserable about her life, and because I'm smaller than her, I guess, easier to take it out on me because I cannot stand up to her. Some of her relatives think I'm wrong for her not living with me, a couple of them, they totally understand. Besides, I am a mom myself, and it's a struggle to care for myself. The fact you have family, your spouse and kids comes first. The three reasons, along with parents who had abused their kids, are reasons many kids do not be primary caregivers, and also knowing, if they take that responsibility, they are not likely to get any help, even if they get sick and bedridden themselves. Being elder does not make one entitled, and having kids make no one entitled, even if 100 years old. If you are elder, if you can do something yourself, be glad you can, and be an example to young ones by them seeing that you do what you can, even if you hate it or don't feel like it. As for having kids, it does not guarantee they can one day give up working, don't have their own spouses and kids to care for when something happens. As for nursing homes, kids placing a parent in a nursing home in itself is not wrong if they need to. If they do not plenty research first or take time to visit to see how things are going is a bad thing. But I do understand if parents were abusive or neglectful, they may not want to be bothered. And if the parents chose not to care for themselves with the best amount of effort, why expect bail out?
I am not saying this to dissuade anyone from being their for their parents and care for them if they can. But, I believe that parents should not hold it against their kids if they feel they need to put them in a home as long as they are there to check on them often enough. Most people do no want to go to a home, but just like young people always have to do things they hate, being elder does not change that.
Raising kids, until 18 or out of high school, at least with them you can set rules and expect them to follow. Parents will use the fact they are parents to only do want they want and not listen to their kids and not realize it is a much bigger sacrifice to care for them than it is kids.

Dad is a bully and sounds like he has been one all his life. He is also seemingly a narcissist and these people live to control and beat down others.  It is what life is about to them.  So trying to argue with them is simply giving them openings to do what they love best - "win" by beating you down.  I found it wisest to decide where my boundaries were and say "no" to anything that crossed them.  Just "no", no explanations, arguments, trying to reason, etc.  After all, you have tried to get your point across, right? Doesn't seem like he wants to even consider it.   I found some peace is realizing that some things never change - but I can control my response.

I think some people were a little tough on you here but they do have a point. You can't change him, you can only change how you react.

You don't have to answer his phone calls or call him every day. Figure out what you can or are willing to do and that is it. Spend one Saturday a month with him taking care of whatever he wants rather than ruining every weekend with smaller trips. Only call once a week and at a set time. No dropping everything to tend to one of his 'wants'....you can take care of it on your monthly visit. If he gets nasty give him a warning. If he doesn't listen cut that monthly visit short and leave. Baby steps to taking your life back and giving yourself peace. Sure he will get the upper hand on occasion but it will get better.

People tend to forget that they are and ADULT now and it is OK to say NO to your parent. World will not end no matter how they react.

Stop trying to appease him. If he makes some PA comment agree with him and move on. If he says "well it looks like I will be all alone on the holiday" reply with "yes it does look that way, how about that weather we are having!". If he makes comments about how you live your life try to ignore. If you can't, ask him what makes him think he gets a say in how you live your life. Or remind him that his opinion on this subject does not matter. If he says because he is your father remind him that only works if you are under 18, not 50.

Your father isn't going to change. Take a break from him and figure out how you want to move forward. Get over the guilt of 'leaving him alone'. Most people like this are alone because they have driven people away. That is not your fault. My grandmother used to say people didn't want you when you were old and grey. The reality was that people didn't want to be around her because she was miserable and nasty. But those are things she could have done something about. It is easier to blame something she could not change like being old.

I wish you luck.

Paul, you are not stupid. Until you say 'no', your father has no need or incentive to work out how to do things for himself. When you say no, of course there will be huge ructions. So what? Your father has the money to make sure that he won't die from personal neglect, particularly if you make sure that he has all the phone numbers to get deliveries etc. The biggest risk for you is probably that a gold digger will find him, flatter him, do all the right things, and want all his money. Even that may be better than ruining your own life, making your wife angry, and leaving your kids feeling that they came second. Just do it!

Paul, your dad is and always probably has been a micromanager and a manipulator and a complainer. As Dr. Paul Chafetz says in his book "lose the surprise". (You should read his book btw) You know that’s how he is, and wishing it wasn’t so and that he will change is wishful thinking. As people get older their traits usually intensify. Everyone here has said to set boundaries. If you give in to him out of fear, he will keep it up because you reward his behavior. Have you ever gone to counseling to find out how to deal with him and understand your lack of knowing how to honor your own life and that of your family? People don’t demand respect they earn it. Father or not.
I can tell you’re extremely frustrated and wish him to be different but he can’t be. Accept who he is by losing the surprise every time he has inappropriate behavior with his boundaries. Talk with a counselor and read Chavetz's book and also a good one by Henry Cloud on boundaries.