First I want to say that y'all helped me survive being a caretaker of my best friend, My father. He passed away.
It was the lowest point for me and almost destroyed my health. I lost 75 pounds and felt as if I was dying as well. He died, and then my daughter 18 and my first grandbaby with her. She just found out she was pregnant.
This has all been in the past 5 years and I'm ok. But just ok. Still grieving and trying to take care of my health.
My mom who has been there for me daily for the past 25 years. Did not raise us.
She has tried to make up for it in her own way. The kids love her, we love her.
But, I can't give her what she wants out of me.
Since I seem to be the caretaker in the family. My husband works and has traveled. So I have been fortunate to do what I have done for everyone. But, with her. I just can't seem to commit verbally.
Yes, mom. You can come live with me.
You don't have to worry. I 'll wash you, change your diaper until you die type thing..
I get attitude, I get oh well I hope I just die.
Granted she is like 74. She's ok now. But has no plan. She constantly talks about how much I do for her. Thanks me, but on the other end. I feel like I just can't say all those things she wants me to say therefore I'm not giving her peace of mind.
I realize we worry about the future.
But I've been through so much I honestly don't think me and my family. Husband, kids who have been through so much. Needs to go through that. Heck, I don't even accept she's getting older. I just get annoyed. I'm so tired of her looking to me for peace of mind about her future. But yet, she sure won't take any advice.
Get a roommate if you can't afford the apartment, find some hobbies instead of drinking everyday to a stuper
Exercise, take a vitamin. ETC. Nah, she's good. She's good alone, she's good w no car for 25 years. I take her to work everyday she works, picked up everyday.
She has to go to ATM every Fri. She makes doctor's appt and then says well I can take a cab if u can't take me. Pay people 50 00 to take her to store to where I have 2 different stores a month to go. I do it but I get angry inside sometimes that this is put on me. I rejoice too.
I love her. But dang.
I can't take care of another person before they die. It's not in me.
How do I shut down the woe is me. I 'll just commit suicide. How can she not realize she shouldn't be putting that on me while I'm still grieving and going through so much.
What can I say, I've already said I can't do it. No one knows the future we may all be homeless. That's what I try to tell her. Quit worrying.
But , in the beer binges the truth comes out. She wants ME and she wants me bad. Lol. I just want to run.
Anyway, a question and a vent and a big thank you for being such an awesome place.
You keep saying No Mother, That Simply Will Not Work For Me, when she says she wants to move in with you. Use other lines like, "That's unfortunate, I'm sorry to hear that mom" and other non-committal statements that warrant NO comeback from her.
My mother is almost 94 and has moderate dementia along with about 10 other health issues and is also wheelchair bound, living in Assisted Living and now Memory Care since 2014. Lately, she expects me to take her in to my home because there's 'nothing wrong with her at all' and she's 'perfectly capable of doing everything HERSELF', which is a bald-faced lie. Just her incontinence issues alone would keep me scrubbing bathrooms and washing linens for hours each day, in addition to working what she believes to be a full time job. None of that matters. It doesn't matter that her wheelchair wouldn't even FIT into any of my bathroom doors, or that the showers all have tubs which she wouldn't be able to step into, or that I'd have to literally bathe her and have 3 hot meals ready for her a day when NOBODY is home during the day to do that!
So I just keep telling her it's impossible for her to move in with me and that's that. Over and over and over again, as many times as she tries to pull out the guilt card and says how she Just Wants To Die, which, by the way, I've been hearing for YEARS now. It's gotten very, very old already.
Just say no, and keep saying no as often as necessary for you to make your decision clear to your mother. Take care of YOURSELF now, you've already been through enough pain and trauma, God knows. It's YOUR turn to look after YOU, you're entitled to DO that without being called selfish and without considering yourself to BE selfish. You're not; you're smart.
Good luck!
She wants me to get rid of my dog because she is keeping her from visiting.
I finally said, well you don't live there. You never visit much and this is the dogs home. Haha
I mean it's true.
I think both of my parents were more prone for me to get involved with there lives. Visit them and do what was best for their timing ect. Not mine.
But like you. I also have none of those amenities here like a bathroom close by.
My husband would have to get kicked out of this side of the house were in and be next door with the kids rooms.
He'd still have to shower back here because we have one shower.
Incontinence, yep she has that too. Also a diarreah problem. Every where you go she has to go poop. 2 to 3 times and u may have to stop when you go within a few more blocks from the house.
I've had to stop numerous times from the job to the apartment and it's a 5 min trio.
Girl, I get it. We're. It prepared and it would be unsafe around here at best for falling.
My mom has only social security though.
Not alot , I doubt they would take her in.
Best of everything with your mom.
Sounds like you have your hands full much more than me as she's still working ect. She just wants to know , that when she can't. I will take her in.
Mmm not so much lol.
Blessings!
This is how I look at it. Mom is 49 and realizes she has nothing to show for those 49 years so seeks you out. Maybe your the child most likely to care for her? To make feel guilty. Yes, she has been helpful but maybe its so she can guilt you into caring for her in her old age.
Since Mom didn't raise you there is no bond there. No good memories. You need to set Boundries. Office of Aging usually has buses or info on Senior bussing that can take Mom to Dr. Visits and shopping. If she can work no problem using Senior bussing. Is there no one where she works that she can find a ride with and your just backup? My Mom was not needy. She had her friends and Church. When she could no longer drive, we set up a day to shop and do errands. There was never anything that was an emergency and could not be done when I had the time or felt like it or do on the day we picked. I have a disabled nephew and grandson that rely on me for rides. They both have gotten to the point "when u can". Appts are made when I can drive them. Now, my attitude comes from being the oldest child and a girl. I always did for my parents without question. I worked so things did have to work around my schedule. I cared for Mom found it was not my forte and will not, at the age of 71, care for anyone else other than my DH. I may help when asked. But will not be a caregiver.
Seems at this point Mom is independent. You may just need to have a good sit down and look her in the eye and say "I appreciate the things you have done for me Mom but I can never be a Caregiver again. Its just too draining. I don't feel that you moving in with me would be a good idea". Actually, I would not allow a drinker in my house. So if you feel comfortable in telling her that...
If Mom can't afford where she is maybe low income or a HUD apartment would be better. Where I live the HUD run apts are pretty nice. They charge rent on scale. Your monthly income is 1000 then rent would be 30% of this. She would only pay her electric and cable. She could get help with her electric and cable, where I live the very basic is under $30. She could get food stamps. The County bus picks up right in front.
Call your County Office of Aging and see what resources they can provide. I used to work for a food closet. We would have people coming in for food who smelled of alcohol and cigarettes. Once the woman had a carton of cigs in the back of her car that I put the bag of food in for her. I so wanted to say, if you didn't smoke you could afford food. Same with the alcohol. But, it wasn't my job to say those things.
Again Boundries. You are burned out. We can't be everything to everyone. You have you DH and family. Even though my Mom and I were close I can see where your coming from. There is nothing wrong in the way you feel. Its just how it is.
Your probably right. I even feel at times I don't want her to touch me try to kiss me. Is that weird. As a teenager I was ok.
But as I've gotten older. She treats everyone like a "baby". Mommas baby.
Well hello! I'm not a baby. I have 3 children and have been married for 25 years in october.
The problem is she has never has had to think of anyone but herself.
She's caring, loving. Such a giver.
But I feel she does it to earn points sometimes to keep me on the hook.
I love her she doesn't need to do that.
I just don't need to be on call everyday!
It's gotten better as I have stopped picking her up from work since covid.
I make her use me as a second option or walk. It's not that far. .
For me being Independent means having a car! I will keep driving as long as I can . That was her first step in being "dependant". Who gives up there right to drive at like 50 Strange. I'm 48 and I have to have to have a car!!
Tothill suggests Al-Anon. Boy, am I for THAT. If you cannot get to one go to AA which is EVERYWHERE and ask for referral to nearest Al-Anon. They are marvelous with helping us recognize not what others are doing to US, but what WE ourselves are doing to ourselves. You will get a wealth of love, support and knowledge there.
Did you really mean to tell us that you lost your pregnant daughter and her baby, your grandchild? That is how I read the sentence. Then, My3, I have to say I cannot even IMAGINE what you are going through in terms of grief. I cannot imagine such a thing. And it makes me wonder if you are not heaping things on your plate so as not to have to "go there" with that kind of grief. If you are busy running as fast as you can you don't have time to stop and see where you are; you will be asleep long before your head hits the pillow. About that I can only say that you cannot run from that kind of grief. You must have time and support to work through it.
Please, oh PLEASE take care of yourself now. I am 78. I would NEVER do to my daughter what your Mom is doing to you. She needs to be a support to you or to take her needs elsewhere. At the same time I say that you need to recognize what you are doing to make yourself open to those who want to use you.
I am afraid they will drain you dry.
Go to a church. ANY church (says this atheist) and ask for guidance to the nearest AA and Al-Anon. Take care of yourself. Oh...........please. Take care of yourself. I absolutely ache for all you are going through.
Yeah, my dad passed away 4 years ago. Still going through all that. We had just found out she was pregnant and went to our first sonogram. Bought the crib, changing table was looking forward to Christmas and having a grandbaby.
We didn't make it she was killed w the baby by a drunk driver going 75 miles an hour around a county road drunk.
There was 4 teenagers in the car w her. Her boyfriend and his friends and they were stopped looking at the map.
She was the only one who passed and the baby. Devastating.
I'm not prepared emotionally, mentally or physically to be a caretaker. I know what it does to you. Been there !
Thank u so much and I hope I can get a handle on this. Blessings
You have your hands full with her. I understand that you care about her and love her but love doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to cater to her every desire.
None of us have every wish fulfilled. She will adjust to new boundaries or else be forced to pay others for their services.
She will keep putting the bait out there as long as you keep swallowing it.
It may take a few tries before you are successful at not catering to her many needs but you’ll soon be satisfied with your decision not to jump every time she calls with a new request.
Best wishes to you regarding this matter.
No Mum I cannot drive you to the store today. I am going shopping on Tuesday afternoon and can pick up food for you. No Mum, I am not buying any alcohol for you.
Mum you have to find another way to get to and from work, I am no longer available to do that.
You are not responsible for her at all.
Find Al Anon meetings in your community or online and work through their program.
At 74, she is highly unlikely to change, so you have to change your behaviour.
You deserve to grieve in peace, you deserve happiness and you will get there if you set the rules and stick to them.