I feel awful. I was ready to move my MIL into the ALF here in Michigan. (Medicaid doesn’t pay for the housing, but they do pay for her level of care needed) just like it is set up in Florida. We told my MIL that we found a play right down the road from us. The lady who gave us the tour etc. gave us totally wrong prices. I called another facility (same company this lady had been there for a long time) the First Lady didn’t tell us about all the hidden costs. The 1,200 to get her started there along with an 800.00 deposit. The 200.00 nursing assessment. The 60.00 medication hand out. Plus her housing (which she paid for with Medicare) the food for 575 a month. It’s a nightmare. Here we told MIL that she would have to move there, but would be closer to family. She is so excited. Then at 4:30 last night, I learned about all these extra costs!
Ok back to having her live in our home with us. IDK. She is in a wheelchair, she can change her own pull-ups. She makes her own bed, folds her own clothes. She is missing life. All she has there is a Bed and a wheelchair. No family. It’s so expensive to fly down there, get a car rental and hotel. Just to visit.
Yes, we are not totally set up for her here. We have someone coming out to give us an estimate on a walk in shower and the social worker said she can walk the 3 steps to get into our house. I made sure that they add physical therapy for her to keep her legs stronger.
This is so much that I would be taking on. How do I know if this is right for me? I feel awful to watch someone I know live like this. Plus my husband already TOLD her that she is moving here to an ALF by us. She is excited. Now what?
It sounds like your home renovations would be very expensive, but even harder is the caregiver burden, which, as you know, gets more demanding over time. My mom is is her own home with an overnight caregiver, a partial daytime caregiver, a housekeeper and meals delivered. This leaves me with 50 hours week of direct caregiving, and I am totally stressed and drained. I just came off my Saturday/Saturday night/Sunday morning shift. It’s a LOT.
I hope you can find a way to make the AL that she likes work. Does she have any assets like a car that could be sold? It will still be a lot on you and your family just managing her affairs. I wish you the best.
This was typical when I was a family caregiver caring for someone in a wheelchair. Almost. Every. Day. And that's just the easy part.
"Welcome, dear MIL!! So glad you could enrich our lives with your presence!"
Then I would put mother-in-law in the nearby AL until the money runs out and worry about that when the time comes if she has enough to pay for a while. If she is 95 and it has been suggested that she could be a candidate for memory care, then you could get her into a skilled nursing facility later on medicaid, if that even comes to pass. At 95 anything could happen anytime.
Otherwise, I would have hubby tell his sister that you will NOT be remodeling your home with MIL's money (or sister's). That it sounds like MIL needs all she has just to afford her care. (Do you know how remodeling with her money would affect medicaid lookback)?
Since she says her mother can't afford the AL near you, that the new plan will be for your mother-in-law to move to a less expensive AL near her as there is only the "too expensive" one near you, OR that mother in law can move in with her and that you will NOT be caring for her in your home. Your profile says you are taking care of your Mother in an AL already. Why would you take MIL in and not your own Mom?
I suspect SIL will suddenly be willing to pay more for the AL if you and your husband take your home as the fallback plan for MIL in no uncertain terms off the table. You are a caring DIL doing enough by being willing to look out for her at the AL (and just because the SIL knows less than you doesn't mean she can't learn). Many of us have had to. MIL really is her kids' primary responsibility. Yours is to support her son in his care of her. Geez! People will dump their responsibilities on you if you let them.
Thats the small things. When she fell and we could not understand her verbal communication ( mom ) we did a 3 way call with SIL and she said oh well maybe it’s jus time for her to go to a nursing home. And here I fought to get her every medical thing that she needed. I mean I was on top of everything, every doctor, appt, etc. she is doing great now ( her fall was in April she was totally drugged up on really bad meds that I never authorized). It took until July that she started to clear up her communication levels. Now her memory and communication skills are great. So this is why I am doing what I do.
my husband sits here looking so lost and begging me to help her. So that’s why I do what I do. Plus with all my experience in this field. I do it because my heart is that big.
one person asked why I am medical POA. Actually both myself and my sister in law are medical POA. But it is written up that is she doesn’t want to be her medical POA then it falls to me. Since I have more understanding on how this system works and how to talk with doctors etc. she pushed it to me. I was even in a meeting with mom’s social worker in Fl and the SIL walked in while we were talking. And she said no she did NOT want to stay for the meeting. She refuses to answer her phone for emergencies for mom. No calls after 9 pm and before 8 am. So they call me. Even when rushed to the hospital in the middle of the night. The SIL only wants finances. Of course.
we live in a small town and only have the one assisted living facility by us. Now if I could find one down state (3 hours away from us- and very close to the sister in law).
that might work.
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There is a reason people are telling you to not do this. Hundreds of people on this board thought they could do it themselves too. Now they are exhausted, broken mentally (and physically and sometimes financially) and wish someone had warned them. Consider the following:
-Whatever schedule you have now will be out the window.
-There will be no more dinners out, no vacations. Friends and family will say to call if you need help, but almost none will volunteer to stay with her if you need time out.
-When do you plan to get things like errands and grocery shopping done? She cannot be left alone.
-Can you lift her multiple times a day and night?
-When she worsens, how will you handle the medical needs?
-Are your toilets, bathtubs, etc handicap-ready? Will her bed have safety rails? Are meds stored safely?
-Can you handle multiple toilet visits, butt wiping, diarrhea, bed urine, and getting her undressed/dressed? Multiple times a day/night? She may be somewhat continent now but at her age she won't be much longer.
-You will have to lock down your home to prevent wandering. Extra locks and possibly an alarm system to wake you if she leaves the house in the middle of the night.
-Are you able to help with bathing daily? Your husband can't do that. Too weird.
- If she keeps you up at night, how do you plan to handle work/chores the next day? Same goes for working from home.
- If you get sick or hurt and can't look after her, what plan do you have for her care?
- You'll very likely need aides. Are you okay with strangers in the house?
- Having her move in with you and THEN to assisted living is doubly hard on both of you. She will have to make two big adjustments. That's too much at her age.
- She will be isolated in your home. And it won't feel like home, because just having a bedroom and maybe a bathroom to yourself isn't really a home.
I've said before that people think they can "love their way" through caregiving. That love will be enough to sustain their energy and will. It isn't. Nor is it the same as caring for a baby. Caregivers here loved their elder dearly. They had to place their elder to save both of their lives.
Now the question is will I do it again now. The answer is NO.
the only ALF by us is far to expensive. So I am going to start looking around by my SIL to see if there are places she can afford down there. And get SIL involved. Since she is the PRIMARY POA.
I am trying to find answers for both my husband and his mom.
I was given the job of secondary POA because SIL refuses to do any medical
I ask you to take a deep breathe and recognize you are sacrificing your life on the altar of love of a MIL who time may tell you no longer love all that much, but cannot get out of your home which you have made HER home.
IF you do this, then costs should be hers for renovations needed and a care contract for shared living expenses needs to be done with an attorney. This also means that when this arrangement isn't working for ONE in the household then it isn't working for ANY, and it gets reassessed ever single month on a monthly basis.
I advise against this. Read the Forum. If you have been here you already know. If you haven't you can read up in a week going back to the stories.
Please don't do this to the rest of your life. I am so sorry. I understand aging and where it leaves us as I am 81. But I shudder to think my daughter would ever do this and she has been told all of her life that she cannot and MUST not do it.
Seek out other places, possibly a group home, she stays where she is or let her daughter take care of her. That is her family's problem not yours. Your husband & sister need to figure this out.
She is 95 and has lived her whole life, if she did not plan adequately for her senior years there really is nothing more that can be done. It is what it is.
My mother is 98 in AL she has two years of money left, then off to Medicaid we go, my brother & I are not paying her way, we have done more than enough for her.
Sending support your way.
I will be 78 in two years and I need my retirement savings to support me.
The thing could change in a jiffy though.
Don’t panic!
looks like there is no way for her to continue to live alone.
you could try to keep her in your home using the SIL money to modify your home?
Not sure how long it might work, but then - you cross the bridge once you get there?
Continue to research long term care and memory care facilities in your state as well as her income/her assets requirements you may need it later.
Be careful with her assets - due to look back period - read about it how to do it right or what the penalty could be.
Meantime ADA your bathroom for her and your house too:remove throw rugs, low coffee tables gave to be removed or replaced with higher ones so she won’t trip, etc - look it up how to safeguard the house for the elderly.
With her money and what sister would provide - it could be doable?
It may not be ideal but would work and your husband will appreciate that you don’t have to worry about Florida
Goid luck
Nothing about this is changing in a jiffy.
If it were doable for them, they would have done it already.
MIL was excited about going assisted living. Believe it or not, there's good places out there where elders thrive.
This is not a good idea. But what is a good idea is that you look for the appropriate facility that accepts Medicaid even if that is a long term facility where she will receive the 24/7 care she requires and you and hubby can just be her advocates and family.
And I'm never a fan of family having to pay for a loved ones care, so I don't recommend that as you and hubby will need your resources for your own care one day.
There are facilities out there that fully accept Medicaid with no hidden expenses, as most on Medicaid don't have any extra monies anyway, so keep looking. And if you need help you can contact your local Senior Services or Agency on Aging for some help.
Best wishes in finding your MIL the best facility that SHE can afford.
To me, this looks like total misery for everyone involved. MIL may not thrive in a new environment; change is hard on elders who are that old. Her cognition may suffer. She may be able to do simple tasks now, but her ability will diminish as time goes on. Is it possible to use the money you'd spend on a new walk-in shower to help pay for her care in the ALF near you? And consider that you will not be traveling to Florida to visit her anymore, so that money could be spent for her AL?
I would go with any plan that doesn't move her into your house. You need to consider your own health, and the last thing you need is stress of MIL in your home. It's much harder than you think, trust me.
I see my husband struggling with this new information. 😞