I have POA for my 93 year old female cousin. She has no children and lives in a gated golf community 4 states away. She has stayed in her home because she has three neighbors and a step niece who have been helping her. She fell last week, was found by neighbors the next morning, went to hospital and is now in rehab. She smokes (on a patch while in hospital and rehab), doesn’t want to give it up. She drives, refuses to stop. She has savings and her house, but is spending money beyond her means. I am afraid she will live beyond her means. Her friends and niece are tired of all her needs, but won’t walk away which is enabling her to continue. She refuses to leave her home wants to go “feet first”. I am exhausted too. We travel to see her. Her disposition, which is very demanding and cranky, has left my husband washing his hands of her. We all believe she can’t be left at home alone, but can’t get her to move though we see her capacities failing. She isn’t so far along we can have her declared incompetent. I’m ready to give up POA!
Can you or one of the nearby “helpers” make arrangements to have someone do an evaluation while she’s in rehab? Worth a call to the rehab facility to find out whom they use or would recommend.
As POA you may be the only person who can do this.
It is VERY TOUGH for loved ones and interested friends to make any long term decision without this kind of documentation, but if you can get a written report you will find it helpful in arranging for her safety, which of course is the bottom line.
Although she can say whatever she wants to say, she may be approaching the point where someone WILL need to make decisions for her, and right now, that person will be you, and “demanding and cranky” don’t count as determiners of what is actually the best way to help her or for her to help herself.
Safety is ALWAYS the bottom line, and a fall requiring hospitalization and rehab is ALWAYS a warning.
She’s lucky to have you. Get the assessments and see what recommendations are for her returning to her old lifestyle or developing a plan for a new one.
The rehab facility will provide an 'after care plan' and is a great resource for getting recomendations and questions answered. They will also have those conversations in front of the cousin so she doesn't hear it from a family member; but medical personnel (whom they may 'trust' more than a family member to give accurate assessments)
Think for a moment about all the phenomenally awful decisions people make every single day. Substance use and abuse, gambling, risky sexual behavior, becoming hundreds of thousands in debt, you name it people are messing it up. What I've had to accept is that my mom and maybe your cousin aren't going to do what's best for us. They're going to do what they think is best for themselves even when they're wrong. All this is to say give up on being God or Superman, resign your POA, and make a good faith effort to make sure she assigns POAs to someone else. Someone young, ideally. There's an expression I love: you're not required to set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.
If it says that a Dr or 2 are need to make it effective, then you cannot do anything if she is still cognitive and can make informed decisions. If she still can make informed decisions, then your POA in not in effect.
While she is in Rehab, have her evaluated for 24/7 care. If found she needs it, tell the Social Worker that it would be "unsafe" to send her home where there is no one to care for her. Because u live so far way, you are not in the position to care for her either. Rehab should not release her based on this info. She then can be transferred to LTC. You maybe then able to pay her bills out of her money. Sell her house house for her care. When the money is gone, then apply for Medicaid. Maybe instead of LTC u can place her in a nice AL.
Or, maybe the niece would not mind taking over the duties of POA if cousin is still of sound mind to assign her. Your POA will be revoked when cousin assigns a new POA.
You being 4 states away is too far for someone who holds complete POA, financial and Medical. POA needs to be held by someone who lives much closer. If the lawyer who drew up the paperwork is still practising I would contact him and tell him its getting too much and you are too far away to continue to hold the POA and you want to revoke it. I would do the same thing in your place.
Even in those cases; every entity will require a copy that has to be verified by their 'legal department' before they will put it in their system.
All that to say, if her POA isn't broad enough to handle the situations she feels competent to handle, I agree - she should give it to a lawyer or her niece if she will take it.
You are right; being a POA is not for the faint of heart; and knowing when to step back and let your loved one suffer unnecessarily is difficult but sometimes necessary to get their attention.
Resist trying to fix or save.
Allow your cousin the dignity to fight her own battle - to negotiate a safe discharge with rehab herself. Don't get in the way.
POA is great, but I assume she asked you to do it in case she couldn’t make her own decisions. I would make it clear to her and the rehab your reasons for your decision to stop. Not doubting the decision, just thinking about the best manner in which to execute it.
Similarly, she may run out of money, yes. That's, frankly, her problem and not yours, until she is declared incompetent. Until that point, you have no legal power to restrict her spending. It may feel like watching a train wreck, but that's unavoidable. Still, you may want to contact her Area Agency on Aging or similar and ask them what your/her options are when she does run out of money/needs to move into a facility/etc.
Also, consider that being POA does not HAVE to require you to manage her. Your power of attorney does not override her choices. If she is competent, then her decisions can be all her own. If anyone contacts you, and it's a decision you don't want to make, just say, "my cousin is competent and should be allowed to make this decision." I'm not a lawyer, but I believe you could just "keep" the POA, but stand back and not "use" it. I say this because keeping the POA authority, even if you don't use it and instead defer to her for all decisions, will allow you to step in easily when/if she IS declared incompetent. At that point, it would be a hassle for you to regain POA (if you want it). (If you're Done With This, on the other hand, then of course, by all means, give it up officially.)
Good luck.
I would hang on to the POA and just not use it until it's necessary.
They may recommend she not go back home if you explain the situation.
If you do not want the POA duties you can legally give them up to someone else or a lawyer.
1) How broad is the POA? Do you have power over her medical decisions or just financial? If it's only financial; you are in a much tougher spot.
2) Would your niece take on the POA?
3) Have you told her how difficult her remaining at home is for the rest of you? I think you should have a reasonable discussion with her (don't let it evolve into a shouting match). Tell her that you are concerned for her well being; but you also understand her need for independence. There are many levels of 'care' beyond living at home. Has she considered 'independent living'? It's much like apartment living; people have freedom to come/go as they please (yes, they can still have their cars there); but they provide meals (included or extra); they have vans for transport to local stores; activities; doctors etc. Look online and get some brochures before you discuss options.
4) If her answer is still no - you should bring your niece in and explain that she will not get any more help other than a weekly check in visitExplain that it's too difficult for your niece to get all her own things done as well as from her.
Offer to call a caregiving facility for her; maybe pick up a brochure or two that explains what they will do for her (grocery, laundry, general wellness checks etc.). At a minimum, tell your niece to start ordering anything/everything your cousin needs online and have it delivered to her at her home. Your niece has to take the first step of 'backing away from a caregiver roll'. When your niece puts her foot down and limits her time to 'visits only' this will help your cousin understand that her options for help are limited to bringing someone in.
Praying for you - this is a tough situation to be in and the conversations are not easy to get started - we are on the other side of it now; so I understand what you are going through and hope these suggestions help.
If my mother did not live in an attached apartment to my YB's home, she would fall into that category.
Enough people come and go through her place in a week---everyone will do something small and that's all that's kept mom from living in squalor.
I think there is also a diametrically opposed syndrome--called 'empty house syndrome'. My MIL's house is so bare, if you did not know someone was actively living in her home, you would think it was staged for a real estate showing. She has NOTHING in her basement but a W/D and one bottle of detergent and 1 bottle of fabric softener. Her kitchen counters are totally bare. Bathrooms are empty.
As far as your situation--I agree that you need to step away from this responsibility. You can't enact it with any kind of ease. Just the fact you're 4 states away--that makes it nearly impossible to actually be of any help.
Good Luck!
That's why I could hear echos LOL. Someone has been busy emptying out cupboards..
If there isn't, and the reality is that the OP is refusing to consider any practical support, then it's pretty pointless your having POA and you may as well resign it on those grounds - it isn't a matter of pique, but your having POA may mislead other agencies or services into believing that your cousin has a stronger support network than she really does have.
Meanwhile, the neighbours and step-niece should start the laborious and tedious process of reporting every incident to APS, APS saying they can't do anything because the cousin has mental capacity, neighbours/step-niece keep reporting, APS keeps asking, and so on and so on until...
something happens that even your cousin can't argue with, such as a broken hip or a stroke, or
your cousin has a nasty moment followed by a change of heart or
your cousin passes the point where anybody can continue to consider her competent.
To avoid swallowing their own tongues and tearing their hair out in frustration, *everybody* should remember:
that it is cousin who will break her hip and be sorry, and not them;
that this is cousin's life which is becoming a daily challenge, and not theirs;
that no one individual is under any obligation to run cousin's errands, do her laundry, take her to appointments, or answer emergency phone calls. Encourage them to step back if they're providing more support than they are able and happy to, and be frank with your cousin about what demands she is placing on people.
Treat her like an adult, respect her decisions, but don't spare her feelings when it comes to discussing choices and consequences. If the situation blows up in her face, it'll be her responsibility and nobody else's.
You'll probably find she changes the subject, and it gets extremely irritating I can tell you. But then again, it is also not your responsibility if the local volunteers keep volunteering - you can only advise them not to if it's becoming too much.
Awaiting the crises to effect change - crazy isn't it.
They need the full picture to decide if she can return home. She may let them think she has full time support, anything to go home. Don’t give up your POA until after their assessment and decision.
You as POA need to have a talk with her. That either she allows a live-in companion to move into her house to help her, or you will surrender POA over to the state. The state will most likley "place" her due to her age alone.
She lives in a gated golf community. That is heaven on earth. I wish I could take the position myself because your cousin and me would be on that course every day. I was a smoker too. I don't think it will be too difficult to find live-in companion help for her.
Advertise and look for a fellow smoker. Believe me when smokers know they can smoke on the job, they're be lining up for that job.