I’ve done everything I can for her as her Power of Attorney and am the ONLY person that didn’t walk away when she was hospitalized 3 months ago. I’ve arranged the best care I can find for her. She is bedridden, incontinent, diabetic and on continuous oxygen. She cannot go home. I’ve taken care of her home repairs, bills, car…you name it. Her care has become my second full time job. She is my aunt, not my mother. She led a selfish lifestyle. At 86, she never planned for long-term care. So here we are. Everyone has an opinion but has done nothing to help. I’m overwhelmed every single day. All of her so-called “friends” have never done a thing. They all backed away when she got sick. Has anyone else experienced this? What did you do?
Is auntie in a nursing home? If so, this shouldn't be a full time job anymore. The facility should be meeting most of her needs. Find ways to simplify everything in regards to her as possible. As POA I guess you will be selling her house and car, etc. assuming the money will be needed for her care. Or I guess she could go on medicaid and she'll have to pay them back from her estate some day.
Good luck.
If the comments come on the phone, a ‘semi-polite’ way to deal is to say “I’ve been having trouble with my phone recently”. If they keep going, hang up (faulty phone, of course). Don’t answer the call back.
Or "if you think you can do a better job I will turn Moms care over to you"
You don't owe your aunt anything. You are not financially responsible for her bills. Let the bills go unpaid. She's not living at home anyway. You said you are doing everything you can to make sure that she is taken care of. That's all you can do. You really don't even need to visit her. All a durable POA does is make you responsible for decisions regarding her medical, financial, and legal matters. You are not in any way obligated to do anything else.
It took me almost a year to grow a thick enough skin to tell my relatives where to stick their advice, but I feel so much better since I've done it.
Your title for this, however is disturbing to me, because people offer up too much of their own opinion, usually, when it is accepted. The best way to make it stop is to stop it right in its tracks. If a comment is made to your that is inappropriate tell the person so. If they are giving you input you don't want, tell them so. If they are overstepping their boundaries as friends, neighbors, family members, tell them so. If this is a problem you are having from more than a few people then there is some way you may be contributing to it. You may be asking for advice and opinions of others.
So practice the following: "I am doing the best I can and I really don't appreciate your advice."
As you can imagine you can elaborate on this all you wish. Start a practice journal. Write what someone has said, and then write your response. Make it fun.
"I am doing the best I can; your advice is not helpful. As you can imagine, you are not alone in knowing how to make this all perfect. If I had a penny for everyone who knew the answer better than I did I could hire on full time help."
You may get back "I am only trying to help. " If you get this say "Great. Buy us a bag of groceries the next time you shop; be certain it included a bottle of good red wine".
It won't win you any friends but these aren't your friends anyway.
What relation is the East Coast cousin to your aunt?
Does this cousin *ever* put in an appearance?
I bit my tongue from Thursday morning to Friday lunchtime - be proud of me! :)
Then tell Auntie you'll visit her on X day each week or month, and that's it. Take X amount of phone calls from her and let the ALF do the job she's paying a lot of money for them TO do for her each month. Hopefully you are not contributing any of YOUR money towards HER care. You'll need it for your own senior days when they get here.
You are not a gopher or a personal hand maiden for your aunt, so get that message across to her asap. Do what you need to do for her, and let the rest of it all GO. Ignore the calls and messages from the armchair critics, after you tell them to STEP UP and take over your job, if they don't like how you're doing it.
The end.
Wishing you the very best of luck taking care of yourself now, b/c you deserve to!
You should NOT be paying anything for her out of your money.
I would do a resignation letter and hand it to the social worker at her AL. Give them the cousins number.
They will do an emergency guardianship if she is unable to take care of things.
Then block your browbeating cousin from being able to contact you.
What they are both doing is taking advantage and you don't have to accept that.
I don't really have advice but wanted to say how much I can relate to the frustration and the feeling of burnout that comes with this. Plus all the anger and resentment, followed by guilt for feeling that way. The best advice I can give is take care of yourself. I have an apt with a therapist next week, and I wish I'd done it sooner. I am hoping it helps.
Also I blocked the meddling cousins from contacting me or my dad on phones, social media, email. It's a nice feeling. If people aren't being helpful and only critical, why let that negativity in? Something to think about to help your sanity. Good luck, this is really, really hard and no one should have a say in what you're doing to help your aunt, when they've not been in your shoes.
What you are experiencing is quite normal in today's society.
My step mother is in memory care, she has a son who has not visited her in 20 years. Out of courtesy I contacted him when we placed her and my step dad in AL, that was 3 years ago, never heard another word until one day recently he tried to call her and she had been moved to another room from AL to MC, he called me, wanted to know why I did not tell him, well it just happened the day before and she had no phone in the new room as of yet.
I gave him an earful and asked him to take over her care...guess what...no go, he can't do that as he works and lives in another state.
He thanked me and my brother for caring for her and hung up. Don't think that he will be calling me anytime soon.
I guess he calls her once every 6 months or so.
Simply tell the person “You are welcome to take over as POA for ALL of her care. Otherwise i do not wish ti hear your comments.”
OF COURSE the “loving relatives” X hundred miles away benefit from your efforts, as does your aunt.
But if you aren’t willing to say “No, I’m not able to do that”, to turn off your phone and check it only once a day, to treat yourself properly because of the kindness you’ve extended to Aunt (and presumably the rest of her vocal but nonfunctioning
pack), and MOST IMPORTANT, to let any and all comments/criticisms/“opinions” of the non-worker busy bodies roll off you and fall wherever they may, YOU NEED to seize those rights and play by your own rules.
Consider- what will happen if you STOP allowing yourself to be made your cousins’ tool/whipping target.
No reason for this except your reluctance to rock the boat.
Your peace is more important than the opinion of absent voices from far away.
Reclaim it. See how good it feels to ignore/silence/tune out “the voices”.
YOU DESERVE IT.
But as to the why anybody should think you should be doing anything, you answer the question in your first sentence - it's because you accepted power of attorney for her. That's why.
The only [non-professional] opinion besides your own that you need attach any importance to is your aunt's. What's she saying?
If your true feeling is that this lady doesn't deserve your support, or that supporting her is somebody else's job and not yours, or even that it's simply more than you can reasonably manage, you can resign your POA. I don't mean to suggest you use that as a threat or a bargaining tool, I mean it seriously. If this is beyond you, talk frankly to your aunt and the senior staff where she is and make arrangements. It can be done.
My son said to me once "Thank you. But I don't remember asking for your opinion". Well oops! Sorry about that son 🙄 (Cheeky young man!)
You could use that in a clipped business like tone & a steely stare.
Or handball to them: I am ALL ears - just what would YOU do? Would YOU like to take over?? No??? Didn't think so... So zip it.
Many people try to offer *solutions*. When you may want is a kind listening ear instead.
All ears here.
https://www.amazon.com/Boundaries-Updated-Expanded-When-Control/dp/0310351804/ref=pd_bxgy_img_sccl_2/132-6625919-5810432?pd_rd_w=vkd8S&content-id=amzn1.sym.a6bed837-ef89-4bc6-a842-3962a5387175&pf_rd_p=a6bed837-ef89-4bc6-a842-3962a5387175&pf_rd_r=5QB9DZ5VNQ3S1JWGNTQ3&pd_rd_wg=wN9lr&pd_rd_r=25b5bd26-c59c-4e89-b454-542861446337&pd_rd_i=0310351804&psc=1
I see you have a very busy life in your profile and aunt is in assisted living. You are not the only answer to aunt's needs. Tell the brow beating cousin to get a geriatric care manager.
https://www.nia.nih.gov/health/what-geriatric-care-manager