My mother periodically is convinced that the man that is with her (my dad) is not HER John. That HER John has left her. She gets very upset and crying. And, of course, it's upsetting to my dad as well as they have been married for 47 years. My mother raised me not to lie and I rarely do so. Today my dad called and asked me to lie to her and tell her that I had seen dad earlier and he was running errands and would be right back. I did. And when she wakes up from her nap, she will be fine again. I feel horrible lying to her, but if it calms her, is it okay? Or am I setting myself up for her distrust of me?
I do object to those who insist we are lying and should "tell the truth." Lies are told to hurt others, benefit oneself (above and way beyond helping the situation and reducing our own anxiety!) or CYA. Bending the truth, talking "around" the issue, or fibbing isn't done to hurt the person, it is to assuage their anxiety, anger, concerns, etc. Because it is best for all to try to "live" in their reality, it is about the only way to keep the peace!
I agree that supporting comfort and a sense of security are essential aims.
Gold luck to you all.
I can say that mom didn't even recognize herself in a pic we had someone take of her, me and my daughter! She asked who those "girls" are, referring to us, and then asked if that (pointing to her own image) was Nana, her mother!
This is the same only you are altering the truth to help your mom.
You didn't see dad, but you spoke with him, so you know he is around and he is going to be there later, you just left out the fact that he is there now. What possible harm could come from helping to calm her and reassure her that she is safe and loved and her man hasn't left her?
This is so different than lying, it is hard for all of us at 1st. It does make us question our integrity, but you are not saying anything wrong or hurtful. Be gentle with everyone right now, including yourself, this is a daily learning and adjusting process.
I spoke to dad" and "He'll be here later", knowing full well he is there works! But, when the one in question is no longer with us, bending becomes a little trickier. It can be done. I have had to do it multiple times with my mother (queries about her mother and a younger sister, both gone long time!) You are correct also in that at first it is hard, but it does get a bit easier with some practice and quick thinking!
The one thing I can assure anyone is that your nose won't grow!!!
You say you rarely lie. Well, make this one of those rare occasions. It won't be the last time.
or “Dad will be right back”.
You are speaking to soothe and comfort her. Like a beautiful song or poem or lullaby. You are allowing her to envision a scenario that brings her peace. A lie is meant to deceive for your gain. It’s not your gain, it’s hers. Think of her as being blind. She is blind in a way. She can’t recognize him now but she can envision him in her heart with your assurance that he has not left her. That he is near by. Write some replies down so that they come easily to you. Or you can use the same one over and over as she will not mind. When you know you are bringing her comfort it will enable you to speak with love and not feel conflicted. That’s what she will trust, the love.
Lucky you, that your dad has the wisdom to encourage you to do exactly what she needs. He must love her, and you, SO DEARLY.
Set aside how YOU FEEL if this causes you discomfort, but even better, allow yourself the comfort of knowing that she taught you well as a child, and that you are now able to free her from the anxiety that torments her.
In her dementia, she will react as her damaged perception of reality compels her to do. If at some point she appears to “mistrust? You, it will NOT be because of her past experiences with you, as you are now. Her tragic behavior Is very common to sufferers of dementia. Many of us have observed it in our own dear ones.
Please be good to yourself.
You probably were also taught not to speed. But if your mom was bleeding and in need of urgent care, would you drive over the speed limit? Of course you would --and should.
Don't you think your dad has also been dealing with goals vs. reality? Actuallly it is a very kind thing to help your mom sort out confusing situations. Give her a big hug when you tell her.
Good luck!