Does anyone else find themselves watching/living your LOs decline and think, "I'm going to start hoarding pills!" "I hope I get hit by a bus." "I hope someone will smother me with a pillow". I just don't want to suffer in decline. Incontinence. Others making all my decisions. I don't want my children to have to deal with 'that' me. It's so hard. I get so frustrated and angry and feel like my 'empty nest' has been stolen from my hubby and me. I do not want my own children to feel that way. It's crushing.
I'm not sure mom finds her life nearly as distressing as I do, and I have made plans for my future that will hopefully make caregiving easier on the next generation. I trust that if I reach a time when I can no longer decide for myself my family will find a nice nursing home to put me in.
I would Never do to my children, what my FIL expected out of us, it's just so incredibly selfish, to do this to your middle aged kids!
Yes, there are circumstances where the parent may need to come and live with you for a time, during illness, or Hospice, and I would do that again, and feel good about the way we took care of him, but all those years and years of imposing on your child's life, and without a thought of the inconvenience of it all, him thinking he was doing us a favor by paying 500 dollars rent each month, while you provide 2 meals a day, and take care of his every need!
No, I Will find an alternative route for the end of My life, and it won't be on the backs of my kids lives, even as great as they are, all Saying it would be their honor and duty, uhh-uhh, as it soon transitions into feelings of resentment and sacrifice, and I could never wish to do that to someone else! I'll happily go to a Nursing home, or hopefully the new laws of Death with Dignity will become a much more acceptable way to go, that gives Me the control over my end of life, that doesn't end up Leaving my LO's racked with guilt, as I would never want that for them.
I guess it's time for me to really begin concentrating on my own good health (I'm 57), so the days of having to even think about this are still a long ways off, but you just never know anymore when something might happen to you, and I know that I'll be thinking on this as our experience is still so raw and fresh, as we try to find our new normal after so many years caring for my FIL in our home, may he rest in peace.
My hubby also is giving me a lot of grief about downsizing--but I also am doing it and he can come with me or not. He's not the one inconvenienced by the 4 staircases in our home and the laundry downstairs and the huge yard. He also said "what's the big deal? When I retire, so do you!" Nope, actually my job will get about 50% "worse" when he's home all day.
We're not ready for IL but we are more than ready for one-level living and for a garage that hold BOTH cars. Many a snowy winter day I have to dig out my driveway and THEN my car to go somewhere. ALso, in a split entry home? You'd be totally trapped if you couldn't do stairs.
This is NOT my kids' problem and I don't intend to make it be so.
My mother is wheelchair and bed bound. Nobody wants that for themselves or anyone else, but she is well cared for and not in pain. Old age and its issues will happen if you survive long enough. Nasty diseases can hit at any age.
My plan for the future is to downsize, and eventually go into assisted living and then NH as needed. My kids will be as involved as they want to be, but, I will work at not burdening them.
I try to look after what I have and make the best of my life. I remember years ago wondering what my life would be at age 80, if I made it. It is nothing like what I thought it would be. It is more interesting. On turning 80, I decided to give up some things and among them is worrying about/being afraid of the future. I will keep learning, trying new things, working to keep myself fit and healthy as long as I can. I wouldn't sky dive at any age, but would love under water experiences. Practice your Kegels, eat sensibly, exercise as you can... look after you.
I don't have kids, but I would never set my life up to depend on unpaid others to take care of my needs in a way that would keep them tethered to me for extended periods of time. It's one thing in a crisis - it's another when the crisis extends into months and years and still people are not free to go back to their own lives. It is an imposition and I would never want to be the one responsible for it.
Old age caught up with me a couple of years ago when I became seriously ill and body parts have been falling apart steadily since then. I was invited to sign a DNR on the operating table and later offered hospice. Despite many attempts by the medical profession to kill me I am still here and as onary as ever.
Right now I need to make it through to February to prove that everyone who is elderly does not die within a year of breaking a hip!
Incontinence what a delightful subject. It is horrible when you are the one on the cleaning up end but can be quite comforting when you suddenly sit in a warm pile of poop and someone else needs to clean it up. I told the nurse I was sorry but I just could not wait. She assured me she would rather clean me up than pick me up off the floor. I hasten to add that I am now over that little inconvenience.
I would like to be able to do more of the things I want to do but that does not include cooking dinner every night. Food has absolutely no interest to me these days except the occasional treat of pickled herring (in sour cream) or good smoked salmon (at $40 a pound) and some good fruit mainly grapes these days.
What would I like to do? High on the list at this moment is gardening. my flower beds have not been touched in two summers and the weeds are unbelievable. Hubby mows but does not do weeds. I don't care that I can no longer do housework. Used to be very houseproud but once we got into the horse business my barn was cleaner than the house.
I have always enjoyed my own company so it is no hardship not to be able to go out and "enjoy" life. In fact I find it quite distressing to be in a crowded restaurant.
As far as having any of my children have to take care of me. I certainly would not want to place that burden on any of them but luckily our eldest has been successful in her career and would be happy to help us financially if needed.
Should I outlive my husband which is unlikely as his family has good long life genes I would be quite satisfied with assisted living.
Old age is not that bad as long as you recognize it for what it is - just another stage in life's cycle.
Look to the future with optimism,enjoy the things you can still do, downsize your expectations and be grateful for what you do have.
The family has always said...you will live forever if you survive the first heart attack. So,I hope that is my "out"
Our state has a Death with Dignity law, which my father took advantage of when his cancer progressed. It was a real blessing for him and the family - he had a peaceful death surrounded by loved ones. I will likely use if I get an illness qualifies. I don't want to put myself or my loved ones through what my MIL had to go through at the end of her life. No dignity, and all her energy went into dealing with the pain and difficulties of dealing with a failing body so she wasn't even able to have meaningful time at the end with family. And I think that if I am diagnosed with dementia, I plan to take some sort of action. I really wish Death with Dignity included dementia diagnoses, which are fatal diagnoses but not within the 6 month time frame that Death with Dignity requires.
To me, quality of life means a lot. I have dealt with some chronic illnesses over the years, and it is very very hard. But have managed to address them so now my quality of life has improved a lot. If I were to develop something that didn't have the option of improvement, I really don't want to hang around.
Mum is 83 now and still in good mental and physical health. She has a DNR and I have medical and $$ POA for her. BC, Canada allows assisted suicide, should it come to that. Mum knows which NH she wants to live in when she can no longer live in her house.
Dad (they divorced years ago) is the problem. He will not make plans, refuses to consider any form of assisted living. I am lucky that my brother has 'taken' dad on, but he is not too observant. When Dad's teeth started to break, my brother had not noticed. Turned out Dad had several abscesses and had to have teeth removed. Bro has a basement suite where Dad spends much of the winter, during the summer dad goes to the family cottage.
Me, I do not worry yet about my old age. I know the house I live in can have the basement converted into a wheelchair friendly suite if needed. My neighbour (houses are the same) did that for his wife. I could rent out the upstairs. Or I may decide to sell down the road and buy a one level house. I love my pets and am not interested in condo or apartment living at this time.
I expect my kids to live their own lives.
If we don't die old, we die young.
I'd rather be fat, old and ugly :D
My biggest wish, above all, is for my sons to be healthy, and live a very, very long life too.
There are only two ways out of this life: die old or die young.
We don't know what our old age will bring us. My paternal grandmother died in her sleep in her late 70´s. My mother is still living a perfectly normal life, she´s 82. My neighbour is in her 90´s and she still cultivates her lands (as was my maternal grandmother).
We don't know what's going to happen to us but, to me, dying young is the most tragic of all fates.
I hope I have been useful.
Good luck!
So “taking care of oneself” to the best of one’s ability is a biggie. Good nutrition. Some form of exercise, to get the blood circulating. Good thoughts (meditation and prayer can help with this). Mental stimulation, be it from books (audio is okay), conversation, or creative endeavors, such as arts and crafts.
Be sure to get sufficient healthy fats in your diet. The brain is mainly fat, and it needs good, natural fats to be healthy. That includes animal fats, such as butter, fish oil, and even lard from grass-fed cows.
Reducing sugar and starches (and replacing them with fats) can improve the mood and brain, not to mention do wonders for the blood sugar. Check out the low-carb, high-fat diet, also called the ketogenic (or keto) diet. There is plenty available info on it on YouTube.
I think the decline of others is difficult to watch, but I'm not sure it's as hard for those undergoing it (if their attitude is in tune, like our pets do), to echo what some of them others have said. For all her complaints, my mother has said she feels a natural surrender going on all the time.
I have no kids, so my husband and I will just have to look out for each other as long as possible. I'm always trying to downsize and get rid of "stuff" to make caring for the house easier as I get older. Him... not so much! As far as caring for him (he's 13 years older than me) and for myself, I am taking each day as it comes.
What will the future bring? I have no idea. But this thread is providing a lot of insight. Let's keep the conversation going!