My boyfriend has been sick for 4 years. We have been together for 9. I feel like a single mom and not a partner. I take care of him, work full time, pay all the bills, take care of the animals, etc. He has numerous doctor appointments a week. It is time consuming, tiring, and expensive to care for him. I do it because I care for him and if I didn't:
1. can't take care of himself ie dressing himself, uses a wheelchair/walker
2. doesn't have much money as he can't work, he does get a disability stipend, but it wouldn't cover living expenses by any means.
I am incredibly tired, unhappy, and lonely in my life. I am 40 and this is my second person that I have taken care of. I took care of my dad for 6 years after his stroke. I never wanted to do it again. 2 years later my guy got sick.
For the last 9 months, I have been seeing someone on the side. It is really just sex, but would be more if I was free to be. I noticed that after I see him, I actually get sad and a bit depressed. I think it's because in my life I feel so frustrated with the situation. I imagine what should be vs what is. I just want to be happy. I want the life I should be living. I want more relationship wise. But I feel so bad for that because what does that mean? If I say I want to be with the other guy all the time, but I know I won't leave my bf. Is it I hope he dies? I don't, but I also know that all of the issues I currently have will be immediately resolved when he does. So then I feel guilty.
Ideally, if I money was no issue (which of course it is :) ). I would buy a house near me, pay his friend and his wife a salary to live there, take care of him. I would pay all of the bills and check in on him often. This would ensure that he is cared for, has his needs met, and I am free to live my life. Obviously, this isn't a viable solution. It would cost me more than I make in a year.
I don't talk about this in my life really because it's an awkward conversation. I would either get one of two responses from people that I know.
1. You should totally leave him (which I am not due to the above reasons)
2. You're a bad person for cheating on a sick guy. Don't you know your entire existence should revolve around other people and their needs/happiness? Yes, a bit of an exaggeration, but honestly not that far off. It is easy to feel holier than thou when it isn't your situation or problem.
Looking at your profile, there is nothing obvious to explain why he is immobile, why he can't wash or dress himself, or indeed why he can't get better.
Does it occur to you that he cannot be oblivious to your unhappiness, and that the two of you are in an incredibly unhealthy relationship which is As Bad For Him as it is for you?
You may be disabling him, with absolutely no awareness of it. Who else is involved in his healthcare? - especially, who else who isn't earning nice fat fees out of him?
I am not casting a moral slant on this. If you want to live together, live together. But once you do that, you do have the responsibilities you might otherwise have if you were married.