I love my 91 yr old mother with all my heart, but I do not like her. I know now that she has a Narcissistic personality disorder, along with being hateful, angry and lies. She was living alone with Macular Degeneration in her own condo, my step-father passed away 15 yrs ago. My mother didn't like her mother or mother in-law. Nobody could do things the way she wanted, She won't let you clean her cat box for her. In her condo in SC, she was calling the police numerous times, because she kept believing that someone was outside her condo; listening to her through her phone, tv. She believes that they were zapping with a laser gun in her ears, arms, legs, privates, etc....even when she was in her bathroom or closet. She would stand either in her living room, screaming at the invisible people or go outside and scream, bothering her neighbors. The police took her to hospital a few times, then to a another place to check her mind out. She says they didn't find anything, and would never ever admit it or take any medication or advice. I lived 5 states away, and had to come down there several times. Her neighbor's stated that she had been mean to them many times. My mother would call me up and talk to the police and one time call a investigator.....they never found anyone outside her condo doing anything. I finally asked her if she wanted to move back up to Michigan. She sold her condo in 2 days. She smokes a pack or two a day, has a cat, so it was hard trying to find a place in the short of time. Since I am 69, I was able to get my son and daughter-law to take time off work (give up their vacation days) to help drive down there and pack her up in 3 days. My husband has Dementia and Aorta Anerysim so he isn't able to help her. My mother had already packed up her many bed sheets, quilts, clothes from dressers, personal papers, pictures, etc. We only packed up her clothes from closets, some of her kitchen and bathroom stuff. She now accuses my son and daughter inlaw and myself of putting her pictures in envelopes in her boxes, going thru her papers, etc. Which we never did or would...ever !!!!
I had to have her move into my small home, and she was a nightmare to both myself and my husband. We told her to call her son, my brother and come and get her. She said she didn't want to live with him, as she said he tells her what to do and is mean to her. He should be the one responsible for her, as he is on her bank account, which I don't care about, or anything about her money. All I wanted to do was help her because she is my mother and she can't see, take her to her appointments and be part of my family. My husband and I have always told her we don't need her money or want any of her things.
I tried to get her an apartment by me, but she didn't like any of them, they weren't nice enought. I almost had her moved into a beautiful Independant Living place, but she didn't like their carpeting, cabinets. I finally found her a 55 community and she has a lovely cottage type ranch apartment. I was driving 20 miles every day or every other day to take her grocery shopping, get her hair cut, nails and pedicures. I found a doctor for her and took her, but she says she's not like her doctor in South Carolina. She wouldn't allow me to go in with her to see her doctor.
She has become very mean, accuses everyone of doing things, that isn't true. She is upset about silly stuff, like the fact my step father gave me $10 one time for gas when I was a teenager. I could go on about all the silly stupid hateful stuff she says and accuses me of of, and if I speak up to defend myself, she get very angry and says I'm disrespectful of her. She has hurt me so many times through my life, that for my own health, I have to end this relationship. Problem now is, my nice neighbor is now helping her and I've have asked him out of respect for me to not help her. Its not his responsibly, it's now my brothers.
I didn't see in your post if anyone has PoA for your mom. If not, guardianship is the only other option. You will need to decide if you want to be her guardian, or if you want the county to be her guardian. This is a legal process and you will need to hire an attorney and your mother will need to be deemed incompetent in court. Make sure you want this responsibility. If you want the county to have it, then you need to call APS and report her as a vulnerable adult and then she will be on their radar. This is what we did with my stepFIL. You should probably let her well-meaning neighbors know this is the plan and to not interfere. With county guardianship you will still be able to carry on your relationship with your mom, but the county will be responsible to get her into a care facility and they will take over ALL her finances and medical, etc. and you won't be informed, involved or consulted with any further decision-making. I wish you much wisdom in making your decision.
Get her out of your house, stop condescending to her, hand her over to your brother and move forward with your life.
I understand what you are going through, it not only hurts but is so stressful. I wish you the best!
Remember, we all have human limitations. That's a GOOD thing, in fact. Not a negative. We have two chances at good family. The one we are dealt at birth and the one we make ourselves. Get on with your own family now, and make a good quality life. I am wishing you joy of the holiday season. I am sorry for all you have gone through.
I'm thankful that I have my daughter, son-inlaw, son, daughter inlaw, 2 wonderful grandchildern, my husband's brother, sisters and their spouses. They have been my true family.
Wishing you a joyful and thankful holiday season, and thanks for your input.