'after your mom is gone.' He also raised her pay from $15 to $20 dollars since we hired her 6 months ago & her hours keep lengthening which is making me nervous for them financially, as mom is relatively healthy other than dementia & her mom lived to 97 with dementia ( mom 77- 5 years since diagnosis.) I don't know how to react to this. My relationship with stepdad has been getting progressively worse as he seems to not want me around & not have contact with caregivers. He insisted on hiring this woman who is from his bible study class & she does take decent care of mom but is this normal?
Man in difficult but committed relationship. Angel of mercy making his life easier and sweeter AND at the same time making a good job of caring well for your mother. Normal? That he wants her around and is engaging in daydreams of sunny uplands to come? I'd say so, wouldn't you?
Question is, what are you going to do about it a) and do you have any alternative plans up your sleeve that you might be able to get Stepdad to consider b)?
How do you get on with this lady, apart from your stepfather's nervousness of ? possible "two women under one roof" situations? If you can befriend her then you can also influence her to exercise caution and propriety, which might be a better and easier way to go about it.
Caregivers become part of the family sometimes. I’ve had one client with a huge crush on me EACH VISIT, tho we needed to be INTRODUCED EACH VISIT as well. It was just NICE for HIM to have a new person in the house for a few hours. It never lead to ANYTHING inappropriate. Care recipients and their loved ones STILL HAVE FEELINGS like the rest of us, God willing. I just KNEW this care recipient had a crush and I never took ADVANTAGE as a result. And he never did anything inappropriate to/with/regarding me. He was just HAPPY to have a woman in the house who “wasn’t as strict” as his wife was. She was his primary caregiver and the primary caregivers often have to “bother” dementia patients with showers, denture cleaning, butt wiping and other jobs that the dementia patient finds to be unnecessary harassment! So it was PERFECTLY NORMAL to prefer a younger woman offering a turkey sandwich! :)
A couple days later we were talking and he told me he had a girlfriend. The girlfriend helped him to look after his wife. They laughed and talked. While his wife played bridge at the seniors centre, they could go out for a light meal, for a walk or grocery shopping. When his wife went into respite they went camping.
His wife was there physically only. Her mind was gone, yet he kept her at home as long as possible and when she went into a nursing home he visited daily. When he lost his licence due to eye sight, his girlfriend drove him.
Once she went into a nursing home his girlfriend moved in. Her family was appalled, he did not have children. They gave each other company, friendship and perhaps intimacy that his wife could not longer provide and had not been able to provide for many years.
I have no idea if there was any sort of a financial arrangement between them, but I do know the relationship was incredibly important and helped him to cope with the terrible changes in his wife.
HIs wife died about 10 years ago, he died about 4 years ago. I am thankful his girlfriend was there for him up until the end.
I could never condemn anyone for seeking out happiness, while they have good health.
How many here are isolated by 24/7 caregiving and would love some companionship and a sharing of the load?
Try to see this from Dad’s point of view. But I would certainly speak with this woman about what’s going on since it’s obviously upsetting you. If mom is still fairly sharp, she observes what’s going on. A look, a playful phrase...Please don’t react until you’re certain she is playing into Dad’s puppy love. If she’s a friend and not a trained health care worker, she hasn’t been trained to kindly rebuff advances and may think she’s just continuing the friendship and “being nice”.
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