Mom took good care of her parents & my dad when they were all old & sick. Now it's my turn to care for mom but I hate it...

Lymie61, mom was a rather introverted housewife in her youth but was famous for her wit and one-liners. She didn't like company or people coming over for dinner etc and was deferring to her mom (my grandpa) re: cooking & keeping house.
I was taking mom everywhere with me before the pandemic.

We have cousins and other extended family in India. Here we are a multi-generational family ...my college-age kids are home now and at some point, inlaws might also move in (ILs are with their other son right now).

You may be right that maybe mom found her calling in caring for others....if I try to ask mom about old times, she tells me the same stories and same criticisms of my dad....so I lose my patience..

Thank you for your feedback - I appreciate your taking the time to write.

You are not a bad daughter, #1.
#2, your mother could easily live to 100, my mother is 93.5 with more issues than Newsweek, including moderate dementia, and still not ready for hospice. She's like the Energizer Bunny; keeps going and going and GOING.
#3, your mother doesn't have to be in physical decline for Memory Care; she has to be in MENTAL decline, which she apparently IS if all she does is stare at your face all day and soil the bathroom.
#4, things will continue to get worse as the dementia progresses; the behaviors worsen, the incontinence issues mount (as a rule), and the dangers mount as well when she starts to wander outside alone, get into the chemicals under the sink, start cooking and leave the stove on, etc. Read all about dementia/ALZ and educate yourself about what to expect so you'll know what is coming up.
#5, cultural obligations are not a good reason to take care of a parent in your home. I know. My Italian father insisted we care for my mother's mother inside our home. For 25 years. They fought like cats & dogs my mother and her mother, making MY life and entire childhood a living nightmare. To this day I have a crappy relationship with my mother but one good thing came from it: I vowed NEVER to take my mother in to live with me. N.E.V.E.R. To hell with cultural obligations when lives are at stake. Why is YOUR life LESS important than HER life? Ask yourself that question, because you are sacrificing YOUR happiness for HERS. For no good reason, I might add. Assisted Living/Memory Care does a splendid job of caring for my mother........MUCH better than I could ever do, frankly. And she has lots of others to talk to and complain about, 3 hot meals and 3 snacks, activities, etc etc. Her doctor comes in once a week and she can complain to her about all of her fabricated diseases to her hearts' content. And I can be the daughter instead of the care giver, and everyone is happy. It's a win-win situation instead of a living nightmare.

Think about YOURSELF now and stop with the "I'm a bad daughter" routine. You are a human being and the quality of your life is being greatly diminished by the burden you've chosen to take on. What are you going to do about it?

Best of luck!

Having been a caregiver for my Mother for 7 years, live-in, full time with little help until closer to the end. I know we can be our own worst critic.
The saying “the parent becomes the child” is true. If you reframe the situation to being a responsible parent for a child you can see things differently and much less critical. Our parent cared for us, changed our diapers, taught us to be kind to others, read to us until we could read, fed us until we could feed ourselves.....etc etc. And now here we are at an age where we are supposed to be excited to travel in our retirement, pick up new hobbies, enjoy peace and quiet in an empty nest now that our own kids are grown..... and now, suddenly, with no warning, our Mother has declining health and needs someone to care for her... and we’ve been elected!

I wasn’t elected....I volunteered! For 6-9 months, the brochure with all the pretty pictures said nothing about potentially 7 years!

I would have been so much better off had I been able to see myself as the Mother of a 2 year old who looks a lot like Mom. I would have felt some control of the situation had I put myself in the managers position instead of wanting to stay the child and wondering when Mom would be Mom again.
Not going to happen.

Give yourself the first gift in an ongoing list....Find a therapist! I’m serious! You need someone to vent to about daily events so you don’t beat yourself up for the hyper-critical perspective. They listen, don’t judge and you leave feeling better.

Take a walk by yourself or with your Mother. A 10 minute walk to get away from the frustration will do wonders for your frame of mind and your Moms. Walking gets the blood flowing. She will be resistant! How did our parents get us to eat our pea’s when we hated them.......a treat! What does your Mom enjoy that you can use.

Try to remember dementia is a serious disease! She can’t help it! If Doctors don’t have it all figured out how can we be expected to know what to do.

Find a local Caregiver support group! Ha! Good Luck with that. People, please start local caregiver support groups! Churches and community buildings let AA use their facilities. Well, if caregivers don’t get some ongoing local support we may need AA. Just kidding!

You and your Mother get in the car and go for a drive. Change the scenery! Take a picnic to a park. Go to the mall and disguise walking as shopping. Be creative! Yes, these are all methods I used.

Last, but most important, Laugh! Find a comedian you enjoy, cable channels, podcasts, an audiobook, if you can get your Mom to laugh it will do more for her spirit and moral than anything.
My motto was “if I didn’t make Mom laugh so hard she pee’d her depends at least once a day, I wasn’t doing my job right!”

I don’t mean to sound like a know-it-all, I’m not! I learned a lot during 7 years with my Mom. I just didn’t learn it until long after she passed. It’s been 3 years and I’m just now starting to see things clearly.

Good Luck! My dear! Stay in touch with this forum on your progress or lack of progress....it’s ok!

Forum’s like this were my best source of medical and non-medical guidance.

All the best,
Dianne

Mom took care of her parents and your Dad because that was the culture she came from. It was expected of the women. She may have hated every minute of it but was not allowed to show it.

Wren, you have done a very good thing. Your Mom was too far away for you to have her properly cared for. Your brother would not take on the responsibility. We gave you reasons why bringing her here was not a good idea, and after weighing the pros and cons you chose to have her live with you. Which was a very hard decision.

I too got that stare from Mom. I did not want to engage her because she never made any sense. I had a hard time carrying on a conversation with her because I had no idea how to answer her. And she got frustrated when u didn't give her the right answer. I could not deal with the neediness. Trying to engage Mom in anything is fruitless. If she didn't do it before, she won't be able to do it now. People suggest puzzles, coloring books, games and cards. My Mom did none of these before, her shortterm would not allow it with Dementia. So she too just sat and watched TV all day. We took her out to dinner with us. She sat out on the patio but there wasn't anything she could do but maybe fold towels.

I was lucky that my Mom had a little money and I placed her in an AL. She had the run of the place. Walked around the halls and had a common area where she visited other people. But for your Mom there is a language and cultural barrier. So for now its how are YOU going to handle her living there. If she seems happy sitting and watching TV then let her. From what I remember, Moms decline has been fast. Look at Mom as a small child. Because that is probably how she acts. Try to look at it as this is where I am in my life right now. If u can, hire someone to sit with her while you get away.

And Mom will not live to be 100. Dementia will take her way before that. Her brain is dying. The Dementia will finally reach the part of the brain that controls breathing and heart. When that dies, so will she. What makes you think she is not ready for Memory care? MC has nothing to do with physical health its about mental status. Needing 24/7 care.

If COVID wasn't out there I would say to keep working, but it is. So maybe husband is right in you need to protect u and Mom and quit your job until this COVID has passed. Maybe you can take Family leave. That will give you time to make the decision to quit or stay. Or, maybe the COVID will have gone for now.

Do you all have any tips on how to get mom to engage herself? Mom will sit on the sofa all day and I have to put books in her hand or take her to the laptop. I tried to teach her to use the ipad/laptop for a few months but she couldn't get it. She only initiates food and asks about mealtimes and is blank the rest of the day.

I wish she would walk in the basement by herself without me reminding her (not walking outside due to Covid fears), do some small puzzles by herself (I've done this many times with her), or sit on the deck with a book (I've to remind her) .

Thank you all for giving me very valuable guidance on helping me think through my confusion and sharing your stories. Like AlvaDeer says there is no right answer and yes, I think Im worried about my own morals....I was struggling to put words to my feelings but you are all so wonderful to diagnose my situation.

After coming to this website, I'm trying to accep that my life matters too and it's ok to put mom in a memory care facility when the time comes.


God bless you all..

No you're not a bad daughter. I feel exactly the same, although my mum was not a particularly caring person when I was young and not a great mother. She has lived with me for almost four years and I have hated every minute. I had to give up work as I had to keep calling in and telling them I couldn't go in because of my mum. I am on anti depressants and have had counselling. My physical and mental health is bad because of her and I have decided that it will end when I am 66 and can have my state pension. She will then go into a home and I will have a proper retirement and a life!!!

Life doesn't always go smoothly, and it's really hard when it doesn't go as you want. I get it -- my life also went on hold in 2018. It's something you have to get your head around even if your mom wasn't living with you.

You're starting the switch from being the child to being the parent. It's a delicate dance as you begin to balance respect for your mother with needing to help her with basics tasks as you would with a child. Just like raising a child, patience is vital. Please try not to lose it with your mother -- she can't help getting old.

A good daughter's job is making sure your mother is safe and properly cared for. You aren't required to do the job yourself, but you are required to see to those things being done. Time to sit down with your husband to make some plans.

I also suggest you check the Alzheimer's Association website to educate yourself about dementia and got ideas on how to best help your mother. You shouldn't go down this road in a bubble or expect yourself to instinctively know what to do. Education is one of the mort important tools you can have.

In other times, in other lands, in other cultures this was the way it was. And it was not questioned. Believe it or not, it was this way in the United States as well. There were more families living and working together of different generations, often on a farm setting, where many in family were present. You are the unfortunate one to be on the cusp of so much change, and it is not longer the norm here for many years. In those days people lived and died in their home, had wakes in their homes and were buried on their own property. No longer at all the norm in the United States and changing in other countries as well. It will be hard for you to now make a decision. For several generations now in my family it was not expected or accepted that the young cared for the elders. So for me it is so much easier. But for the middle generation in immigration OR in own country, it is the case.
You will grieve if you make the decision for your own life and it will be hard with your own inner expectations. Only you can make the decision. Sacrifice your life to this care, or accept that times are changed and changing, and accept the grief. I stress accept the grief. Grief is much different than guilt. Grief means that you must cry, that things either cannot or will not be different. So many things in life are worth grieving. But guilt means something else. It means that there is a choice, and you fear you are letting down your own moral standards by your choice.
You will have to make your own choice. Many on the forum have had to do so. Many are torn and sad whichever way they went.
My heart goes out to you. You can only make this choice on your own, alone. And there is honestly not a good answer; not everything can be made right, can be fixed.
I wish you so much luck, whatever your choice.

Does your mother speak/understand English?

"Now with school reopening, my husband is telling me to quit so that I don't endanger mom's health. I hate, hate how mom is ruining my life. "

Therein lies one of the issues.    Going to school for in person classes could certainly endanger not only your mother's, but yours and your husband's health as well.    This is an issue to be addressed separately.

And I think it's inappropriate for the conclusion that your mother is ruining your life.   You do recognize that patience is a factor, so be honest and not critical of yourself and figure out a way to care for Mom, whether in your home or at a facility if she or you can afford it.

Is your husband Indian as well?   If so, I would guess that he also thinks that women are the chosen ones to care for others.    Perhaps this is also a cultural as well as a personal issue?

I would never, nor should anyone, consider someone a "bad" daughter.    I think different avenues can be explored to meet an end goal, but please don't chastise yourself w/o trying.

Have a sit down talk with your husband, identify all the issues, read more here, and consider what alternatives you have.    Then identify alternate solutions.

This has nothing to do with being a good or bad daughter or with what your mother did for her parents. Caregiving isn’t an owed obligation. It’s a choice. And it’s not a choice that everyone can or should make. Just because parents cared for others or even us doesn’t mean we somehow twist this into having to do it for them. It’s done out of love and a sense of wanting to provide the care. And I think it’s harmful to both you and your mother to do it when it’s not what you can handle, much kinder to you both to find care that’s better able to handle it.