Mom doesn’t recognize me sometimes. Do you have tips on how to interact?

it is odd what they forget . My mother has not been consistently able to read or right well for a number of months. She is getting treatment for her macular degeneration so maybe that explains it ( although her vision hasn’t markedly improved) but today she showed the woman who feeds her cat a note, she said from me and said she didn’t understand what it meant but assumed she was supposed to give it to the cat lady lol. . It was my mother’s own writing , made no sense but evidently she no longer recognizes her own writing( mine never has been similar to hers so no way they would ever be confused) . She had taped it to the cabinet. Then yesterday she questioned my husband at length about a disabling illness I have had since 1988, said she had no idea I was sick etc etc. he said it was obvious she totally forget about it . ( wish I could lol) so it’s not short term, it’s long term too. But I know with her( she has delusions) it doesn’t matter what you say or do, that is irrelevant to what she will remember. The only thing our actions might sway or hopefully ally is her anger and frustration but not her memory.

Hello Michou. When I became my Mothers full time Carer I had to learn every thing because I knew absolutely nothing, hence I read extensively and this Site was so helpful too.
(1) When visiting Your Mom always engage at Her level and never stand over Her and talk down on Your Mom. ( If Your Mom is in bed kneel by the bed so You will be at eye level.
(2) Always hold Moms hand and tell Her how much You love Her and that You are so thankful for all Your Mom has done for You.
When You keep doing this Michou Your beautiful Mom will know Who You are instantly. I would never just go along with a delusion as You will bring the greatest Joy back into Your Moms Life.

If you can handle the delusions, just tell her who you are or make up a name and say you are visiting her. No sense in trying to explain and make yourself upset and frustrated and angry. Then redirect the conversation. On the other hand, if this is really affecting you very negatively and you can't handle it too well, think of yourself first and get up and remove yourself from being in that situation. Try again another time. It takes patience and tolerance and not everyone can possess that.

We never really understood why but my FIL did not recognize his own children but when we visited he knew me!  Once he got that, he would then know his son.  Only thing we could figure was that he always knew me as an adult but thought of his kids as children.  We always let him lead the conversation and if it went somewhere that upset him we could redirect.

Thank you all of you for having take the time to share your experiences and very good advices. God bless you all and bring you all the comfort and strengths you need.

Now mom recognizes me again, but when her memory will fail again, I’ll remember all of your sharing, advice and experiences and it will be far less dramatic. Because I won’t feel so lonely :You’ll be there, sort of!
Thank you!

Pops hasn't really understood who I am since his accident in 2003. He gets people all jumbled up in his mind and there's really no logic to what comes out of his mouth most times. In his mind there is no problem in him believing he is 16 and belieiving I'm his adult child both at the same time. I might be his sister, his mother or just some lady who insists on bossing him around. It's the same with our kids. He might think my daughter is his wife or girlfriend or that one of our sons is his father. We play along as much as is decent and feasible. When lines are crossed into the bizarre we distract, re-direct etc. For instance if he wants to call me mom all day that's fine. If he wants to reach under our 21 year old daughters clothing because he thinks she's his wife or girlfriend that's not fine. See? Good luck, it's a learning experience and even after 16 year on this journey I still find myself forgetting and correcting him from time to time.

When she presented you as her 1st born she was right.

As difficult as it is, just realizing that it is the disease and not your mom not recognizing you can make it less painful.

My granny would tell me that her daughter never came to visit while said daughter was at the same table. I don't think she knew who I was, I think she thought I was my mom when she was young. She did know that I was someone that loved her and that she was happy to be with, that was all that really mattered in the end.

Just laugh or ignore whatever gets you through the pain. She wouldn't do it on purpose to hurt you, hopefully. (My mom might)

Love her and be someone that she is happy to be with in the moment, knowing that she loves you.

Hugs, this is a rotten disease.

4 years ago, my mom thought I was her sister and always talk to me that way. My daughter oh, her granddaughter, was planning her wedding and she was always "that girl who works with you."

After my daughter got married, after not knowing who she was for a year, my mom asked how Jennifer was doing and if her husband fit into our family okay! I haven't even used her name in most of that time because she didn't know who Jennifer was. She came up with that name on her own when we were talking over the telephone.

My daughter has a two-year-old son now, named Sam. When I talk to my mom and mention Sam's name, she smiles and seems to remember exactly who that is! She has only seen him in person oh, but when I go about once a month to visit her oh, I do show her pictures.

The mind is a mysterious thing!

All of these answers are what I would have told you. My experience with my mom was quite different, she did forget both of my siblings, she thought my brother was her husband and when he visited she call him your father. She talked all the time on the phone to both my sister and brother and their families with no trouble. It was only when she saw them that she did not know who they were. My dad was in a NH and I took her to visit him every day. Most of the time she would wander around visiting other people she did not even know instead of staying to visit dad. When she became ill and had to go to the hospital, she called all of her nurses by my name. And when I had her in day care she sometimes called one or another of her care givers by my name. She always wanted to come early to get her daughters dinner. Till the day she died she never forgot me and sometimes if she did not like what I was doing for her she let me know in no uncertain terms that SHE was the mother not me. She would get that look in her eye that we kids knew meant she was not fooling around. I feel blessed that she never forgot me and I wondered how the rest felt when she did not know them. But they all "went with the flow". I hope these comments help you. Just don't get upset if today you are a stranger to her because maybe tomorrow you will be her child again. The mind is a very strange and wonderful thing, but it is best not to disagree with her because all that does is make it worse.

This is so upsetting and aggravating even though the reason is obvious. Just say, "Hi, I am xxxx. How are you today?" Don't confuse her with explanations.

Say - "I am your one and only daughter, Michou." As many times as you have to. Your mother is a sweet lady with a broken mind.

My father did not recognize me as his dementia progressed. When I would show up to visit, he would look at me and say, "Who are you?"

I would say, "I'm your daughter." He would usually respond with, "It that good?" And I would say, "Well, I think it is." That would be the end of the conversation. It became a ritual on my visits.

I always believed in telling the truth to my father with dementia, right until the end.

Michou, at least you seem to be close enough to see your mom more often. That's great. I know it doesn't feel good when she doesn't know you, but as others on the forum have said, at least she knows you are someone she is safe with and who loves her. I do know how you're feeling, though.

I live out of state and have only visited my parents 3 times in the last year and maybe a day or two years apart before that. We normally stay in touch by phone. We don't have a bad relationship, we've just never been that close and I only now realize how time slipped by and how much I regret that.

I visited them for two weeks in January, and except for a terrible minute or two, my 86-year-old mother never recognized me. The terrible part came about the second day of the visit when I realized she didn't know who I am, and I mistakenly tried to make her realize who I am. Unfortunately, I succeeded and then I saw the horrified look on my mother's face and the tears in her eyes when she did recognize me but knew she'd forgotten her only daughter. I immediately hugged her and said it was okay and within another couple of minutes, I had become mom's niece or her sister or her cousin again. I don't want to repeat seeing that pain in her face. My brother tried a couple of times to make her remember me and fortunately it didn't work. She just laughed at him, and I think it was a protective reaction from inside her brain somewhere. I'm okay with that. And I told my brother not to try anymore, please.

Mom has never been diagnosed with any kind of dementia - that we know of. She puts on a great show for medical people, but she did have a minor stroke last October and my brother says she's lost a lot of ground since then. In addition, she can't see very well now. My father takes her to doctor appointments, but he may or may not be wearing his hearing aids and he probably doesn't understand the doctor when he can hear him.

My brother and I are sure she has some type of dementia. She's fairly sharp from about 11:00 am to 3:00 pm. She goes downhill fast after that. We have to put eating utensils into her hand the way she needs to hold it. If we don't, she turns it around and around trying to figure out what to do with it. She wanders through the house looking for the bathroom, or she starts to go outside thinking that's the bathroom. And the list goes on. (We're not worried yet about the wandering part - she has terrible balance problems and we're worrying mostly about falls.)

So this situation has hit us very fast, probably noticeably surfacing only in the last year. Finally, I'm getting to a question I have. She doesn't recognize me and I can handle that, but what do I say when she asks questions like "How are your mom and dad doing?" She asked me this type of question a few times, and I did say quickly "Well, that would be you and dad, so I guess you're okay" and moved as quickly as I could to something as lame as "I'm getting some juice, would you like some juice?" Does anyone out there have a better response than my lame one?

Not trying to make fun of your situation at all, but I suggest the possibility of you thinking about wearing a name badge. My mom wears a name badge cause she wants people to remember she was once an administrator. That way your mom can at least address you but what you are her daughter. Instead of not knowing which would complicate the issue. Maybe after 20 or 30 times. It may not longer be necessary these are weak brains not inoperative ones. You'd be surprised these brains even weaken can learn.

When I visit my mom, I just introduce myself every time as I enter the room. I say "Hi Mom. Its your daughter Shirley jo." I think she appreciates not having the stress or frustration of trying to figure out who I am or what my relationship is to her.

Just talk with her. Don't try to convience her it's you. Ask her to tell you about her. Times will bgg e different. Just enjoy her. No worries.

I actually treasure the times that my mom didn't recognize me but liked me very much and was glad that she met me. :) I think that's more important than knowing who I am.

It is hard to not have acknowledgement from your parent about You, hear your name called, etc. You want them to remember, but this is about Them, not You. Our dementia-affected parents can't help it that they can't always process our name and exactly what role we've played in their life. But WE can adapt as to how we react to the inaccuracies.

First, I never, ever point it out because it will only frustrate Mom more. I never say "You know who I am, Mom"or "You should know who I am!", and I don't correct her and say "That's not my name, I'm ____."

I also don't ask her to identify me...that initiates frustration in her because she can't recall, and it makes me feel badly because I want so desperately for her to call my name again!

My father and I have decided to be "whoever Mom sees us as" for the visit that day. If she talks to me as if I'm a friend or calls me another name, I don't correct her. I simply, as others have written, "go with the flow". Sometimes she ask's Dad if he has seen her husband, and Dad just says "yes, I will let him know you asked about him".

By doing this, both Dad and I occasionally get a priceless moment during a visit when we hear her call us by our names or say "You are my daughter/ husband".

It is amazing how the mind works/doesn't work.... sometimes there is a flicker and they are closer to "here" than other times. Early on, before I really understood what was happening, mom identified my daughter as her cousin. I corrected her and she basically clammed up. Hindsight after realizing we were heading down the dementia path clued me in about that! Limited or no correcting, go with the flow.

Everyone's progression will be different, but many experience similar paths. For the first 9 months in MC, mom harped on younger brother to bring her back to her condo. Once when I showed up to visit, she says Oh funny you showed up, I'm going to ask him to bring me home when he comes tonight.... I gave him a head's up, but he wasn't even going to visit that day! Even odder is that somewhere in that tangling mess she knew better (and still does) than to ask ME to bring her home!

I am the one (of 3) who visits the most, so for the most part she still knows me and knows of the brothers. Her perception of them (and my daughter) fluctuates. She enjoys pictures of my son's little boy, but never remembers who's kid he is. When I brought Xmas cards to sign, she didn't know who younger brother's daughters were. When I said those are his girls, she interpreted that as girlfriends, I think. I asked their mother to send recent pics (they are not together), it did bring a little back. Out of sight, out of mind. He is 10 yrs younger so his kids are much younger than mine, but lived close enough that she doted on them for many years! One brother isn't local and based on his last "visit" he won't be back. The other maybe visits once in a while. Pictures can be helpful, but memories will slip away over time. I do try to mention other family members and show pictures (she was still remembering my older brother's daughter.) Eventually I expect her to forget us, but for now we're still there a bit. She has regressed to thinking her parents are alive and often asks us to call her or asks me to take her there or if I see her at all. Last time I just said she went to FL for the winter. She thought about that for a minute or so. I was expecting perhaps anger that they didn't ask her to go, but fortunately she processed it and said well, yes, they used to do that. Phew! Reserving visiting the Canadian relatives for summertime! She does still remember them and our visits there and they visited on their way home last year.

When I showed her a pic my daughter had staff take of us all during a recent visit, she asked who those "girls" were (me and daughter.) Another time when she looked at the pic, she asked if that was Nana in the middle, meaning HER mother, so she didn't even recognize herself! Self perception is definitely an issue for mom, as when I bring new (bigger) clothes, she doesn't look at the item, just the size tag and states that this is a large, too big as she wears medium!!! Not anymore mom, too many ice cream bars for dessert!!! The last ones I cut the tags out and just put them in the closet.

So, basically you have to 'go with the flow.' While it may hurt that she doesn't always recognize you for who you really are, you know it isn't because she wants to forget you. It can also be distressing if she relates negative things about you thinking you are someone else, but again, she can't control that. I only had one instance of that, early on over the phone (regarding taking her car away) where she thought I was my SIL. Hang on to the good times (past or present) and let the rest slide. It is such a sad thing, but mom is the last family member of her generation and got over 90 years before this started. I feel so bad for those who start down this path much younger (there are at least 2 in mom's MC who are only early 60s.) It is like stealing 20-30 years of life away. My sympathies to them and their family for this loss.

My husband thinks I'm different people on a regular basis. In half an hour I can be his wife. His fiance,his sister. He didn't have one, and most of the time his mother
To just go with the flow is easiest. Gets hard when I respond as different person from who he thought he was addressing. God bless

Hi Michou. It's hard. My dad is 89 and started getting confused with who I am and other family too a few months ago. He talks to me and I am confused and I'll say "who do you think I am?" "Why, you're May Dell" (his sister) and so I go along with it. He calls me on the phone and leaves a message "are you my daughter or my sister?". I am the only surviving member of our family other than dad so it's very depressing. But I try to go with the flow and not make him upset. He usually asks where his family is (momma, papa and 6 brothers and sisters. And his wife and 2 sons (all passed). He thinks his wife (my mom) left him because he doesn't remember she died. He always says "Where was I when (whoever) died? How come I didn't know about it? Was there a funeral? I wasn't there?" It's so hard because I miss my mom and brothers so much. But going with what they remember is best for them. Sometimes it works and sometimes it doesn't. It's called a "Theraputic Fib" to let them think what they remember is true. My dad also at times doesn't remember his home is HIS home. He thinks it is his parents home. I wonder how long this will go on. He lives in his home of 36 years with my daughter, SIL, and 3 grandkids. They do pretty well together but daughter has a hard time with the repetitive questions daily. God bless you for being there for your mom, even if she isn't there for you.

This is heart wrenching, but not the worst. My 91-yr-old mother's dementia progressed rapidly. Within a few months she went from being mildly confused to not knowing who any of us are. At times I'm her husband, her brother, her father or a complete stranger. Same thing with my sister who lives with her 24/7. She doesn't recognize any of the many photos we have on her mantelpiece. With most of the past 50 years of memory suddenly vanished, she only remembers her parents and sisters, all of whom died decades ago. She of course doesn't accept that and wants to go "home" to them, pleading with us 20 times a day to take her there. (That old farmhouse doesn't exist anymore and is 500 miles away from the house she has lived in these past 40 years but doesn't recognize.) Complicating matters further, my mother has narcissistic Bi-polar personality disorder, so she becomes angry and violent when we won't bring her "home" in the middle of the night.

When she does not know who you are, she may still know that you are someone important to her who loves her.  Just tell her you are family, or that you are her daughter/son, and that means you love her very much.  My mother says that she knows me, but can't remember who I am. So I tell her I am one of her daughters, and I love her very much.

Arguing with your mother would only cause her confusion and pain, so always just try to go with whatever her reality is at the time, and remind her how much you love her.

Look for the humor in situations. This may seem an odd thing to suggest, but it will help you cope. You can either get depressed or laugh at the odd things that will happen.

Thank you Lymie, DeeAnna and Lealonnie,

your insights are helpful but no more that your desire to help me. And I could say that to those of the previous answers. It is so comforting to know you’re there willing to help and comfort.

Now mom recognized me as usual. That is the worse or a blessing that her decline is inup and down and completely unpredictable. So I began to get used to an attitude and she came back from it and later fell again...

Yes, I enter in her delusion, but I find it difficult when she talks about me ... to me! :-)

Yes, it is depressing and I’m in depression because too many sad things or difficult ones happened in the same time for a very long time ( counting in years), so all of my strenghts have been completely depleted and I’m fighting to regain some of them to taste the good taste of life again.

So thank you all for your helpful heart: much appreciated!

My Mom knows who I am sometimes. Sometimes she tells people I am the lady she lives with. I got upset the first couple of times she said it, but now to keep my sanity I just say ok and go about the question and answering session to find out what she does know. I have a brother that is 17 years younger than me and when she talks to him she instantly smiles and giggles. I've learned to brush that off too because if not it would make me resent her and it's not her fault. As a child, my mom told me you have to pick and choose your battles. This is a battle you have to let go. Love your Mom while she is still here. Hopefully, this will help! Keep Strong!

This is a good time to show up with pictures so she knows you are indeed a part of the family...her daughter in fact. You can say Yes, Mom...do you see here, me and you when we went to...(Name Place) she should catch on and perhaps will recognize you next time..keep the pics handy to refresh her memory.

Hi Michou......Believe me when I say I can relate to your Mom's issue. The first time my Mom asked me who I was, I completely broke down then and for days after. Mom passed away 9-11-2017 and it still hurts. My Mom lived with me for 24 years and we were always very close. As an only child, I couldn't believe this was happening. Our Dr. once said "If your Mom said that then.....don't push it. Her memory is gone". Others would tell me the same thing. I've never been one to give up easy and I didn't. This is my Mom and I would do whatever I could to try and help her remember. The only thing I can tell you is "NEVER EVER" give up Hope. When speaking with Mom during the day or night, I would Always slide into the conversation in a few different ways - "You know me right?" If there was any hesitation I would always respond with "Mom it's Me - Your Son". Once again I never gave up. Our condo consisted of 3 floors so I had baby monitors eerywhere. One morning, I heard my Mom call me by my Name. I was resting and at first I thougth I was dreaming, until I heard Mom call me twice-by name. This was about 2 years after our Dr. said her memory was gone etc. Mom was in her bed watching the T.V. When I approached her and said "Hi"..her comment was - "Can I have something to drink please". Talk about music to my ears. I was Mom's caregiver for 5 years and we went though many different issues and changes. Will this work for everyone? Maybe not - BUT...the only point I'm making is - Never Give Up Hope. Your friends and next door neighbors mean well when they give advice, but they are not Family. I was told early on by a Nurse, that if you have been close to your parents, they will always remember your Voice. When it was nearing Mom's end, I was a true believer when I would speak to Mom and she would squeze my fingers when talking with her. Alzheimeer's-Dememtia-Lewy Body's - horrible diseases. All we can do is give them Love, Comfort and Don't GIve up Hope. Take Care.........

My mother has been confused on who is who for a few years now. At first I corrected her but now if she asks or seems lucid( like a slip of the tongue) I’ll say “do you mean (insert correct name)?” More so I know what she’s talking about but if she’s talking in circles like she does usually, I let it slide.
My older daughter is “her daughter”, my sister( her daughter ) is my long dead aunt, my husband is her stepson, dead husband, maintenance guy, occasionally my brother. I’m nobody, she knows my name but can’t place it with my husband or kids lol.
With dementia is seems once it’s gone it’s not coming back consistently.

My mom had ALZ. And it was shocking the first few times that she didn’t know who I was. After awhile she called me sister a lot. And my brother, her husband Sam. I found as time went on she basically retreated back in time and I became other relatives. My mom had a bad childhood til she was 27 and married my dad. She is not from this country and spoke a different language, until she went to school here in the US and got her naturalization papers and high school diploma. Sadly she eventually went back to speaking her native tongue. Some I understood and some not. Before she stopped talking completely even hospice knew she had been badly abused and I felt so bad but I could not connect to her because I became the ‘bad’ person. It was hard. But with the chaplains help and a very thoughtful husband I manage to keep my wits about me. At least now she is at peace and I know I did the best I could. Good luck honey and God Bless you.