I’d love any and all feed back on this one. I am the sole caregiver for mom, 88. She has mid stage Alzheimer’s.
First of all I’d like to say I have zero intention of self harm. That being said I have had suicidal ideation the last month or so. It’s completely unlike me (generally a glass half full kind of person) and I find it terribly scary and disturbing. The best way to describe it is a general feeling of hopelessness. Like many of us I lost employment due to COVID, my health deteriorated (was finally in remission after ten years of debilitating Lyme disease - all symptoms appear to be back) taking care of mom (it’s only been 4 months - shocked at how fast this despair and the Lyme took hold) and mom does not have the funds for assisted living or a nursing home. It’s like my brain is on a self defeating loop with no way out.
I am planning for her future, I have an appointment with an elder law attorney tomorrow and have applied for several respite grants. To be frank, it’s my future that concerns me. She’ll be fine as I don’t give up when it comes to red tape. I have no doubt that through my efforts she’ll eventually be safely ensconced in a NH. What then will become of this 55 year old unemployed and apparently (per some segments of society) expendable human?
I know that not having employment is a huge stressor (worked overtime most of my life) but I know it is probably not going to happen until I am not her sole caregiver. Add this to my limited number of working years and you have a generally optimistic person up every night at 3am seeing the only way out as death.
The loop is being fed by lack of sleep (she’s not keeping me up physically just psychologically:). There’s other stressors - mom sexually abused and trafficked myself and my middle brother and some of her mannerisms are terribly triggering. I’ve done loads of work but having my abuser in my home will never be simple.
I do have a therapist and my partner is supportive via hugs and feeding mom on occasion but he’s not equipped to handle my despair. Which I get, who really is?
Not sure what I’m looking for here but it feels good to come clean on what’s going on over here in this tiny little house that we could lose if someone (ahem :) doesn’t get a job soon.
To quote Cage the Elephant,
"Oh, there ain't no rest for the wicked
Money don't grow on trees
I got bills to pay
I got mouths to feed
There ain't nothing in this world for free
I know I can't slow down
I can't hold back
Though you know
I wish I could
Oh, no there ain't no rest for the wicked
Until we close our eyes for good.”
Peace and prayers to all of you.
Losing your job due to Covid may qualify you for unemployment, with added benefits from the Federal government. Even self-employed, actors, and others now qualify.
You may need some help to qualify, and to register online.
Then, (it is such a bear) you may need to contact your legislative office locally for help to get paid. Try.
The lions and tigers never come inside the house, so if you are staying home, you'll be safe.
Most unemployment agencies have a program to retrain and place people who make under $40k, look into that.
You need to make this lawyer aware you are not capable of caring for Mom. I have never had Lymes but know people that have and I understand its debilitating. A friend said she was so tired. Plus, a child who was abused should never take care of the person who was the abuser.
Like said, you may want to see if the State can be made to take over Moms care.
I need to be clear that I have no intention of hurting myself, I did however, need to come clean on the intrusive thoughts.
Once again, thank you all. You have made a difference.
Im not sure how you got to the place with a parent who was the level of abusive you describe, that you care for their needs much less bring them into your home and do it yourself but you are obviously a remarkable person with a huge heart, kudos to you. Don’t however short change yourself or ignore your own needs in order to do that. You mention a middle brother so perhaps there are more siblings? Are they involved in decisions about mom or willing to help you in her care, even from a distance? Might they be a good source of shoulders to lean on at least? It may be a mute question since you seem to know how to take care of yourself enough to come here to vent.
As someone who can identify with much of what you are experiencing, though certainly not all I can only tell you what I try to do when I reach these points. I try to separate things as best I can, I mean everything affects the other of course with stress being at the core but your Lyme symptoms and health are separate from your work and financial life, the responsibility you have taken on for your mom separate from both of those and I would try to approach them separately. It always helps me anyway to bite off smaller chunks so I have a better chance of accomplishing something which always makes me feel better. The worst for me is when I feel like I’m not accomplishing anything because then I feel useless and it’s hard enough for me to feel useful especially when Lyme is rearing it’s ugly head. Obviously you need to take care of immediate health needs, you know what helps what for you even if it’s just researching what the new treatments are for symptoms or spending some time on a Lyme group FB page or forum. Once you aren’t feeling as desperate about that I would focus on getting your mom qualified for outside care, for one you sound confident in your ability to navigate that and it always gives me a self esteem boost when I am able to get stuff like that done, even when it takes me all day or longer. This will also accomplish getting her out of your home and away from being her sole caregiver which is not something to feel guilty or negative about. It I’m sure would be the best thing for your health and that of your relationship/household as well as probably being the best thing for your moms care and your relationship with her as well. You are caring for her by getting her placed somewhere safe as well as caring for yourself and others in your life and there will still be planets of overseeing and coordinating to do so you aren’t just washing your hands of her. Get yourself at least stabilized symptom wise and then spend the week or two if you need to focusing on getting mom squared away. Then go back to focusing on getting your health back and my guess is work will come as things aren’t feeling so daunting. No doubt there are some important things missing in my steps here but hopefully you get the picture.
Please, please know you aren’t alone and in fact you have the tools and the strength to get over this life time hurtle too even though I know it feels like you have already climbed over more than your fair share and it isn’t fair to be in that place again. It isn’t fair. Sending lots of positive thoughts and strength!
I agree with what AlvaDeer has said to you in its entirety. You need to REMOVE your mother from your home IMMEDIATELY. Just having her there to trigger your awful memories of what happened to you as a kid is a very very bad thing. WHY are you doing this to yourself? It's like pouring salt on an open wound knowing it's going to hurt really really bad, yet you're continuing to do it, day in and day out. You have no business keeping your abuser in your home, even if she's your mother. You can't see the forest through the trees UNTIL and UNLESS you get her out of your house. Only then can the healing process begin.
Medicaid IS available for demented elders who cannot afford to self pay for Skilled Nursing, and Guardianship can be appointed by the State, as Alva explained.
Your mother is taking up WAY too much space in your head, clogging it up, making it seem like there's no escape b/c she's also in your PERSONAL space. It's too much for any human being to bear.
Please do what you have to do to get your mother out of your house right away, and ask your partner for his help.
Then call the suicide hotline & talk to a person there who has experience with what you're feeling & going through.
Please do it. Right away. Wishing you the very best of luck taking care of YOU now!
Caregiving is a long difficult road, and we're happy you have found the support of others here on this site.
However, there are limits to what untrained members on our site can provide for you.
Please reach out to experts for additional support and the help you need 24 hours a day at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline:
Call 1-800-273-8255
Your mother needs to go into care NOW. This is not a matter of money. If your Mom doesn't have money then the State will provide. They are capable of providing guardianship as well. Instead of employing an attorney to fight for rights for anyone you should be employing an attorney to UNWIND yourself from care that is worsening you mental and physical health.
By your own description you are now in the way of grave harm to yourself. It should be of interest that most who commit suicide do it almost on impulse whether they agree with the concept or not. There are many things that this Forum cannot help you wish. Foremost among the things is suicidal ideation. You need to call a Suicide Hotline right now at 800-273 8255 and speak with them honestly. Or take yourself to Emergency Services at your hospital.
I am so sorry. You are not alone, and especially not alone in this season. Please seek help at once.