My mom and I have been extremely close my entire life. We lived a half mile from each other, got together several times a week, and talked every day. I have two daughters who were equally close to her.
Two years ago we moved to her home town and it’s been a complete disaster since we arrived. She has been telling lie after lie about my girls and I, to the point that many family members won’t even acknowledge me in public. I have defended myself and can physically prove that she is lying. (Example her furnace went out and because of a holiday and snowstorm it took 3 days to get it repaired. I provided her with enough space heaters to comfortably heat her house. She has been telling people I left her without heat for 3 weeks, even though the repair receipt proves it was 3 days. When I confronted her she said “well it felt like that long” and continues to hold firm on her time line.
Her behavior is crazy—I went to see her and she told me her house made her feel like a “dirty bug.” (The house was immaculate.) Two weeks later she moved out and refused to provide a forwarding address. She tells everyone I have abandoned her and poisoned my kids.
I have begged her to go to family counseling to figure things out, given her money for therapy (she ripped up the check), talked to the priest at her church (and she cancelled the meeting with him and lied and said he cancelled it). She had denied any attempt I have made to resolve things yet she still continues to endlessly bash me to family members.
When I confront her about the lying she denies it, even though she’s admitted to family members she has lied. I told her if she’s lying and doesn’t know it then there is a bigger problem and she should see a doctor. After that comment she said “I’m done!” and hung up on me. She despises doctors and refuses to go.
This behavior is not normal, I don’t even know who she is anymore. The few family members I do talk to act like they understand but they don’t defend me. I have repeatedly asked what I’ve done wrong and nobody can give me an answer. It’s like they don’t believe she’s lying because she’s sweet and has never been a liar. This is why I think there is an age related mental issue. Has anyone experienced anything similar? It’s heartbreaking and she’s destroyed my reputation, not to mention broken my heart. Is she sick or is she just a terrible person when she’s in her home town? I’m at a loss.
My story very similar. My father has been acting strangely for a good few years. He’s always right. Doctors,nurses, physios, Carers and numerous organisations I have had to help all hopeless according to him.
People were stealing from him. Burglers in house and he chased them out ( at age 91), people ringing doorbell in middle of night.
He has been in care home 18 months and it continued.I am only child and got told by him care staff scalding him in bath, they were stealing his socks, poisoning him, did not get doctor for him. All lies. Told staff I was hopeless and let him down. My problems well documented on here.
Behaved well for staff and only other person who visits him.
Staff and other friend convinced he was of sound mind. He also could answer all questions doc put to him so dementia ruled out.
3 weeks ago he had a stroke. Has recovered quite well.
At hospital he had brain scan which showed large amount of damage from previous strokes at front and back of brain. Doc showed me scan to explain how bad it was. He diagnosed vascular dementia and explained hallucinations and inappropriate behaviour down to damage.
Somehow I can deal with it much better now. I still walk away if anger directed at me but don’t feel so terrible now.
The bad behaviours been goin on for years but strokes and damage not picked up.
Still don’t have any answer for you. Keep a diary of everything I do. Helps to explain situation.
Could you take her to doc under pretence of something else. Email or write to him with history in advance. Good luck.
1. Have family members you can confide in have your mom over and invite you. Have her priest there to act as a neutral party. Tell priest what is going on prior.
2. Have a priest make a home visit to see your mom to assess situation.
3. Have adult protective services investigate.
Good luck...my guess it is dementia and/or UTI.
Hugs
Start documenting incidents - use the video part of your cell phone & record her lying then down load to your computer - keep a paper trail on everything - start a log of what you are doing for her with the time & her reception including the phone calls - when/if you need proof of items you will be ready
You have taken the first step by coming here to be educated - read some but check out 'TEEPA'S GEMS' by Teepa Snow as she is basically the 'dementia whisperer' - there are multiple short videos [3 to 8 minutes] on multiple subjects for example she shows how to talk to those with dementia
Where do you live as that can change some things? - talk to your own dr. about what is available to help you both -
of this drama?! I.e. a free place to live in exchange for some caregiving. It must be carefully monitored of course; you must find a good soul who can handle it. Mom or Dad may balk, but I cannot over-emphasize the importance of taking care of yourself first!! Be a part of their lives, but watch your own mental & physical health above all!
You are writing our story too. My mom 84, lived in another state by my sister, she committed suicide. Then my moms husband died of sudden massive heart attack. I don’t think she ever recovered from those losses especially so close together. Moved her here and it’s been a disaster. The stories and the lengths she goes to hurt me has been the biggest shock. She’s very convincing then some part is so off that you realize she believes what she’s saying. They are delusional. Get her to dr, it gets worse I hate to say. Come here for help, and don’t fall into the gaslighting trap.
A year and a half ago she fell and we had to call EMS. She told the doctor that we were arguing and I pushed her. I wasn't even in the room when she fell. Come to find out she had a UTI. She used to be so hateful to me, call me names and threaten me. She's on meds now and she doesn't act like that anymore. If she starts having Alzheimer's like symptoms them we know it's a UTI.
Does she ever go to a doctor? If so, can you alert her doctor to this change in behaviour and your concerns in general. Otherwise I am not sure there is much you can do until a major health crisis of some kind occurs.
Living there with disapproving relatives must be very uncomfortable. Have you thought of alternatives? My mother bad mouthed me to relatives _It was her borderline personality disorder. Some of them knew, one I set straight via a long letter, one I told off, then ignored and avoided. At one point I cut contact with my mother for a year to give myself a break. It doesn't look like confrontations or questioning family is helping any. This all must be particularly hard as you were close. Such a large change in behaviour indicates an underlying problem to me dementia and.or mental illness. Right now I think looking after you has to be your priority.
Just to confirm, when you say you and she have been extremely close for your entire life, I'd assumed you meant close and happily so, yes? Rather than close and uncomfortable?
For the time being, only, I'd perhaps try dropping the whole subject and concentrate on getting her to relax enough to talk - about anything normal, not about her health. Consult your own doctor about how you might handle this, ask where you can get further advice, that kind of thing; but when it comes to your mother do anything you can to smooth her feathers and reassure her.
There is, must be, SOMETHING going on. But all that anger, weirdness, fear, frustration - crumbs, it could be absolutely anything; and of course it could be absolutely anything + dementia, or not. But you know this isn't her, don't you. This is not the mother you've been close to all these years.
As far as us being close, we have been my entire life. I was an easy kid, my sister was a bit of a trouble maker (nothing major just teenage stuff). I would see how much it hurt my mom for my sister to be naughty so I never was. I spent more time with her than I did my friends. When I graduated from college I moved to the city where she was living to be close to her. We lived 1/2 mile from each other for 20+ years. We talked every day, saw each other 3-4 times a week, vacationed all over the world together, day trips, weekend trips, etc. She adored my kids and they adored her. I divorced when my girls were young and had full custody so there was a lot of time spent with my mom and the girls, usually the four of us together. we never even argued. Nothing but love and laughter. That’s why this behavior is so disturbing. She’s full of hate, I can’t even talk to her. There has to be something going on by when I address her siblings she’s closest to they either don’t respond at all or say they don’t want to get involved. But they are involved, they are the ones shunning me and mocking me in public. I never dreamed moving here would be so toxic and we would end up this way. That’s why I’m doing the research because I know it’s not normal. My friends tell me to just walk away, cut my losses, but I can’t. I love her.
She flips out when you enquire sensitively about her mental health - is it possible that she is very frightened about exactly this point? Any history of dementia in her - amazingly large! - family?
She has always been anti-therapy and has always refused to discuss anything mental health-related. My sister and I both think something happened to her when she was young. We’ve encouraged her over our adult lifetime to go to therapy to deal with life’s hardships and she would always get angry. Really angry. It’s almost like she doesn’t want that door to be opened. She complains a lot about being suppressed and dislikes my dad (who she divorced 30 years ago) and still blames him and her “farm girl” stigma upbringing for everything that has gone wrong. We always wanted her to rise above her hardships but she prefers to place blame instead. My sister lives on the other side of the country and is minimally involved. My dad tried to write my mom a letter (big mistake) and she’s even more angry at me for it. He was only trying to help. She will only surround herself with people that agree with her, even if she’s wrong. If you challenge her she will get angry or simply dispose of you. It’s so toxic.
Then just out of interest: why? And, had you ever lived in this town before or is the whole social scene there new to you?
The thing is: you say this behaviour is radically different from the woman you've been extremely close to all your life. Plus, her grasp on things like dates and arrangements seems to have gone. Plus, the highlight for me - she told people you had poisoned your kids? What, literally, leaving them dead?
When you take those things out of context they don't sound altogether like the early stages of dementia. They sound like dementia that is well under way.
Try not to be hurt with those family members who say they understand but don't defend you. They have, whether through instinct or experience, figured out that contradicting your mother or trying to prove to her that she's got something wrong is counterproductive - it will make her angrier, more defensive and even loopier in her world view.
But you do need to get allies on board, because no matter how much your mother despises doctors she sure as heck needs to be examined by one or more. One, how is her general health? More, how is her mental health? There has to be a massive question mark over both points; and seeing as your mother won't accept any suggestions from you then we'll have to find another way to get it done.
Whose help do you think you might ask for?
Regarding the poison comment—she uses it in a context that I have positioned their minds and turned them against her. They will both defend me that I haven’t. I have been extremely neutral in their relationship with her and they also both feel they have been kicked to the curb. She has no contact with them. They each have their own cell phone and she is free to reach out if she wants to.
Her general health is excellent. She’s in good physical shape, beautiful, funny, fiesty, charming, and has always been honest. She lives alone, drives, and gets around just fine. This is why she’s so convincing.
Mentally she’s also on point most of the time, unless you bring up mental health and she will flip out and get visually angry. I think she even questions her own mental health and she adamantly refuses seeing a therapist. I almost suspect something maybe happened to her when she was very young that she doesn’t remember and coming back into the same environment is making her go crazy. Her oldest sister claims they were abused which the rest deny. Her sister removed herself from the family many years ago.
I’ve brought up the possibility of it being dementia to family a few times and it gets ignored. I think it’s just a matter of time before it gets worse and they will realize it’s her and not me. Nobody in their right mind would just give you their daughter and grandkids, especially after having such a wonderful relationship.
Thanks again for your input, this all helps me put things into perspective.
Dont waste your time trying to defend yourself. It is the beginning of dementia and there’s not much to be done about it. Although the UTI test is worth pursuing. This can be done at home, at an urgent care, ER, dr appointment. Perhaps one of her confidants could persuade her to get it done if not yourself. If she has an infection she will need an antibiotic. She might not have the symptoms we normally associate with a UTI. It can manifests as dementia in elders and is toxic.
My aunt (92 vascular dementia) did this confabulation for awhile.
She went around telling anyone that would listen that my husband and I were moving in with her. I don’t think she missed a person. That she had made us a deal we couldn’t refuse. (Never did find out what that was).
She told all her friends this and a couple were demanding that their own daughter do what I was going to do!
When they asked me about it, I just laughed and said “It’s news to me “.
I was worried when she said a young niece was moving into an apartment (14 yr old). I let the mother know in case it caused a problem. Many of her comments seemed to do with someone moving into apartments. Three or four different people. She was very believable. To my knowledge she knew not one person who lived in an apartment. She was by all appearances very competent at this time. Driving, mowing her own lawn, cooking, going to church. It was amazing and baffling.
Does your mom take any meds now? It might be a side affect. I wish I had known to check that back in the day.
I am really sorry you are dealing with this. Time passes. It will become clear that your mom has issues. I know you mourn the mother who seems to have disappeared. I can also tell you that those who don’t lose their reasoning can be just as trying.
We are living in a time when the brain seems to be assaulted in ways we don’t understand while often the other organs remain stable.
It’s a difficult burden for those who are caretakers and love them.
Come here and vent. We understand. Hugs
Same thing with suggesting “........if she’s lying and doesn’t know it......” when if she actually IS misstating facts and doesn’t know it, SHE DOESN’T KNOW IT, so rather than reacting to her situation from the perspective of your own sadness, confusion, and discomfort, you or someone else in her loving and caring circle HAVE TO TAKE CHARGE.
Yes, her behavior is not normal, and yes, you do not “know who she is anymore”, but out of love for her you need to start finding out the reasons WHY this has happened and what she needs next. My LO happened upon a geriatric specialist HERSELF, who then became a source of direction to us. A social worker or psychologist with geriatric credentials, a local Office of the Aging, all places to start.
YOUR reputation, if based on the opinions of people who are ignorant concerning the issues that may be part of the lives of the elderly, is not nearly as important as helping the mom whom you love get the diagnostics/therapies/interventions that she needs.
This is HARD STUFF, but we’re all Here for you, and we’re all in this together.
This whole dementia thing is new to me and I’m only in the beginning stage of research, but it all makes perfect sense. I’ve been trying so hard to do damage control with very little consideration that it would be mental/medical, but I obviously need to change my path.
She has not been diagnosed but it’s so clear. Thank you again for really opening my eyes.
Every March, around the time of the Academy Awards, we should have our own AgingCare awards ceremony for "Best ShowTime Perfomance for Leading Actress, Supporting Actress, Actor," etc.!
My mom would be a contender!
((((Hugs))))
From what you've described, it sounds like dementia or its precursor.
Even pre-dementia, Mom said and did weird things. Honestly, I think the dementia thing's been percolating at least a decade, even though her dementia diagnosis is only 2 years old. In those 2 years she's done a total character assassination on me and her closest family members, maligning us to our church family, friends, close and distant family members. Some of the stories she tells are beyond ridiculous. It grieves me to say some people (to their discredit) chose to believe her, I suppose because she's otherwise sweet to them. Most don't believe her. And because the ones that don't believe are sick and tired of defending me (and other family members) to her, almost all have quit calling or visiting Mom. She's run them all off and can't figure out why so few come to visit. No amount of rationalization or explaining helps. Her brain is FUBAR.
Challenging Mom causes catastrophic meltdowns. When she tells falsehoods about those I love, I simply say that's "not how I see it" or "that hasn't been my experience with _____ ."
At first, I was shocked and heartbroken to discover the crazy fabrications my own mother was spreading about me. My own mother! They are so awful I can't repeat them here. Early on I asked her a couple of times not to spread false rumors about me. She went absolutely ballistic. Won't be doing that again.
Anti-anxiety meds and antidepressants helped my mom somewhat; something you may want to look into for your mom at some point in time. I know how hard this is. I had to go low contact and practice "gray stone" (or "gray rock") around her. You can do an online search on these strategies or a search on this forum. It really helped me cope. But not Mom. She's lost in her own mind.
Keep coming here, sharing, listening, and putting into practice what you've learned. It will help! ((((More hugs)))))
Just like you, when I confronted her about spreading rumors and asked her to stop talking about it she flipped out. She has created a culture of hate and hostility towards me from many family members but not one can say what I’ve done wrong. I’ve begged for them to tell me so I can fix it and they just say “I don’t know.” How can they make a hateful judgement without any information?
I guess it’s just a matter of time, if she is sick it will eventually be obvious to everyone. I’m just at such a loss on so many levels it’s hesrtbreaking. Thanks again and many hugs to you!
The hardest thing to face and let go of is that you did nothing to cause the behavior and you can't do anything to change it.
It sounds like some distance is needed. Let her call you but you don't call her. Get other family members to step up and help, so next emergency uncle bob gets called, when they see how her time lines are all screwy that should help your reputation. Let them find out how difficult it is to help her.
There are always 2 sides to every story and people that don't care enough to hear both sides aren't worth the headache. I can't imagine how hard this is for you but you can't control anyone but you.
Is there anyway to get her checked for a UTI? This nutty behavior sounds like she could have a raging infection that is making her delusional. Just a thought.
Take care of you and stand tall when you see people that have shunned you, you know the truth, try not to defend her lies and justify your actions.
You can do this!
I’ve begged to be invited and included in family functions and we are not. That’s fine (not fine but her choice) if she doesn’t want us but she says she does yet continues to bash me to anyone that will listen that we have abandoned her.
In my own defense I have provided the countless failed attempts to make amends and resolve the situation, when she hasn’t made a single attempt, but somehow it’s still my fault. It’s so bad I’ve been mocked and shunned publicly. I keep asking what I’ve done wrong and nobody has an answer.
Ive been told “just apologize” but for what? Honestly for what? I have never wronged her, ever. We were so close my entire life. It’s not beneath me to apologize, but Nobody can tell me what to apologize for.
Ill take your advice and stop defending myself. It’s all one sided and like you said, the people that don’t care enough to hear both sides aren’t with the headache. I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around the fact that I truly believed these people loved us and cared about us and now we are being shunned and they won’t even provide a reason.
The few cousins I have that so still see us say my mom just blasts us. I never initiate any conversation about her I just try to enjoy their company but they always manage to bring it up. It puts such a strain on the family. I just can’t fix it by myself.
I wish someone would get her to a doctor but the people I have shared my concerns with don’t think she has a problem. I think the fact that she’s written her granddaughters off is obvious enough. Something is wrong with all of these people! I just don’t understand.
Thanks for listening, it helps to know people are having experiences like this. My heart goes out to anyone in a similar situation.
Many thanks for your input!
Thanks for the advice!!
But, if she refuses treatment, that's not something you can control. You might give her doctor the heads up, so he can give her a mini eval when she's in, but, if she doesn't go in much......it's problematic. I think I'd get a consult with an Elder Law attorney who regularly handles Guardianship cases. Does she handle her own finances? It may be premature, if she is still competent, but, I would at least find out what is needed as evidence, process, costs, etc. These delusions could end up getting her into trouble if she messes with the wrong people.
Have you tried letting her be and saying nothing? Just let her get in contact with you on her own terms,
As far as letting her be and saying nothing, that’s what I’ve been doing for the past year and a half. I made the choice to back off when she moved and refused to tell me where. That’s when she started with the “they abandoned me” lies. It just escalated from there. I did make attempts to get her to a counselor, therapist, priest, other family to mediate (not thinking it may be medical/mental at that point), all to no avail. But aside from those attempts we have left her alone. I have clearly communicated to her that we want to be included and invited in writing and verbally but she continually keeps the stance that we’ve abandoned her and tells terrible stories that make me look like a horrible person. She’s completely ruined my reputation and in a small down I don’t even wanrt to go to the grocery store. I know the truth but nobody else seems to
care. I guess if she does have a mental/medical issue it will eventually surface. Thanks again for your input!
My oldest graduated last year and left for college and youngest is graduating and will be in college in the fall, it’s so sad that my mom won’t be part of these milestones. I just don’t understand. It has to be a sickness. I just wish she would see a doctor. Instead she says I need help. Why isn’t anyone close to her stepping in to help her? They just believe her lies.
Even if IS dementia, I don't know what we'd do. The time to move her to AL has passed, she's driving B's family crazy and they mostly just ignore her.
I'm curious to see what one does in this situation. She can snow the best of 'em.