Starting from when I was about 14 I’ve been paid $20 to take care of my grandma on my father’s side. Since my father bought the house next door to let her move closer to us, my workload has increased from once a month, to once a week, to twice a week and twice a day while the pay has stayed the same. My sister (15) and my mom, who isn’t blood-related, and I each do two days a week while my dad (the main bread winner to be fair) only does one. This means that on top of college classes full time (I’m dual-enrolled in high school), sports, a part-time job, clubs, applying to scholarships, and maintaining a social life, I have go take care of her. My grandma is incontinent. This means I clean poop off of her sheets, floors, toilet, off of her person, in all of her laundry, and basically anything she touches. She has dementia and will often refuse to bathe and yell at me. The smell is so bad most days that I can’t help gagging. I also have to drive her to the occasional appointment and bring her food even though she is capable of walking. I’m tired of taking care of her, but my dad says she won’t go to a nursing home and if I want to hire a nurse to pay for it myself. I haven’t brought up quitting, but is it really my responsibility to take care of her so often at the expense of my free time?
You do make a good case that you are probably over-burdened with caring for your grandma. No, you do not need to pay for a home health aide - which costs minimum wage for at least 4 hours a visit.
I suggest you have a series of talks with your parents about your workload at school, sports, and caring for grandma. You do need some "time off" for clubs and a social life. I also think it might be a good idea to talk together about the best way to care for her. Since she is incontinent and has dementia, she probably would do better wearing disposable undergarments. Depends is one of many brands available. She will probably do better with the pull-up kind if she can walk; they can tear off at the sides if she soils them. This will prevent a lot of the messes you wrote about. If she has dementia, she needs to be evaluated and diagnosed by a doctor. He/She can also put your family in touch with more resources available where you live.
You might consider that your time of taking care of grandma is soon coming to an end. If you decide to go away to college, then you can not be expected to care for her. And no, your parents can not make you pay for somebody to take on what was your family responsibility.
This will give you an education in how to manage your finances, live below your means and make good financial decisions down the road.
When you apply for housing, loans, grants, everything, make it ABSOLUTELY CLEAR that you do not have subsidized ANYTHING from your parents. That makes you basically indigent, but this is one time in life when that's GOOD.
Do you have a friend from whom you can rent just a room and get away? At the colleges, they always have 'roommates wanted' signs up in the Student Union. My daughter bought out one girl's contract for a fraction of what it would have cost.
You don't have to 'go far away' if you don't want to. You simply don't talk to these people anymore. You could live 100 yards away from them and still never be in contact with them.
I also found school counselors to be typically the worst when it came to helping out with loans and grants. My 5 kids all graduated college--and although we made it so they could live at home and covered their books and car insurance (as long as they were enrolled in school) I cannot say we 'put them through college.'
Actually, I did most of the legwork for them to help them get scholarships and grants. A couple took out student loans, but they were small and used frugally.
My SIL was disinherited when he married my daughter--he had just begun Medical School--his parents thought my daughter was not quality enough for their perfect son, so they pulled all financial help. He had no idea how to navigate the financial stuff, he'd been too busy getting a 5 year degree in engineering in 2-1/2 years. My daughter and I worked HARD to get him financing, she put a down payment on a small condo and worked and went to school to support him. He finished 14 years of medical training last year and came back home and is now making upwards of $500,000 a year. ALL w/o his parents. And boy, do they feel stupid now.
You can do this!!
Even if this is a troll, the info we've all shared could be of use to someone.
1) How much spending money does Grandma have? Does she know what is happening to her money?
2) How much alcohol is Grandma drinking? Alcohol is one possible cause of bowel problems. It is also a way of keeping alcoholics quiet. Look around both properties for alcohol stocks, and trot over in the evening to check.
3) Grandma and mother may also be victims here. Mother may think she will benefit from the extra house ownership, but Father may be quite willing to chuck any family member under the bus.
Keep quiet at home and check carefully. You aren't in a position to confront anyone yet, and if any of this is true, Father may be very very angry.
This dad has gaslighted the mother into providing care, and now this is on not only OP but the sister in 10th grade.
Dad needs a wake-up call for his behavior right now. If the gaslighting does not stop, it'd be fully endorsed for the future grandchildren of dad to be kept from him. And Grandma (I'm aware she has dementia) was not like OPs mom or anything near.
It comes down to that, Dad. You mess this up in 2021, and your kids aren't around in 2035 with their kids. Since obviously you won't help. Dad, you can keep playing games with these two houses when your daughter makes $180K/year on salary with full benefits. You treated her like this, I wouldn't blame her one bit, or her sister, if they just cut you out seeing that you are trying to stop them.
It's about him, it's always been about him...and even above his minor children.
Poo grandma needs to go to a home on medicaid or Dad needs to pay that $170K to make it a private nursing home for her.
It could be a good move for you on many levels
Talk to the admissions counselors at universities about your situation. You'd be amazed at what schools will do for financial aid if you're in a tough situation, but Dad does have to fill out the FAFSA for you to qualify. (He should have done that already.) If he refuses, schools won't give you any financial aid, so if that's the case, you need to become emancipated.
My daughter is an admissions counselor for a state university, and she's dealt with these scenarios a fair amount. At this point in your life, those admissions counselors are your best friends. They're there to help you, so make appointments with them and TALK to them. They want you to talk to them, because they don't have crystal balls to tell them what's going on in your life.
I have a significantly lower opinion of high school counselors, so since you're in the process of applying to schools, the admissions counselors are a better choice IMO.
Please go talk with your school counselor, with or without you sister. If you are under 18, this could almost certainly be classified as child abuse.
He's like what, 50 with a 18 yo and a minor. He probably thinks as long as he's feeding and watering them, that this is enough. His mom is probably only in her 70s and we all know, we all know, that elders with dementia or mental conditions only can go on for decades.
This selfish, sexist dad is making it all about "him" as the breadwinner. In his 50s. He thinks the OP will transition smoothly from taking care to pooping Grandma to dealing with his own fecal.
Just no. The future in 2030ish is that you two have your own family. What goes around comes around.
Or is his plan that you enslave your future children to poop clean up and dementia screechings when the time comes? Just no, not even with the two houses.
Your dad is 120% wrong and reading his pompous statements turned my stomach.
My dad asked me to drop 10 hrs a week of my college classes to be able to stay home and care for my 3 younger sibs when I was 19 and he paid me $200 a month (that was a lot in 1975!) I did so and regretted it to this day. My mom was in a depressive funk and did not leave her room for almost a year.
Looking back, she should have been hospitalized--this lasted for almost a year and I was never able to go 'back' and get my degree or have the normal life an 18+ kids deserves and NEEDS in order to grow.
Dad was not a bully--far from it--and it was a different time. I do have some sense of sadness 47 years later--I gave up so much and nobody helped me or stood up for me. (And my mom was abusive all the time I was raising HER kids).
This hits too close to home for me--please, get away!!
Are you on your dad's income? Do you get financial aid? Both of these are tired together till you are off your dad's income. Discuss this with a financial aid officer at your University. Is your natural Mother still alive? If so you might want to get on her income? You will also need to discuss this with a financial aid officer. I would get these answers before you decide to move to University housing. If you move you will no longer have to care for your grandmother, but odds are your sister and mother will. If you care about what happens to them after you move out, you will need to have a discussion with them. Unless you all 3 stand up to your dad and refuse to take care of your grandmother someone will be left holding the bag.
Your grandmother is not your responsibility - that lies with your dad. IMO he is using you, your sister and your mom to alleviate his responsibility to his mother. He is using manipulation and guilt to hold you there. Telling you that you are selfish and that you're pushing your family away is wrong on so many levels.
Your dad needs to hire a caregiver and let you go live your life.
I am the main caregiver to my 94 yo mother and have never asked either of my two children (26 and 28) to care for her in my place. I have hired sitters to help me out so I can work very part time and get out of the house. I don't lay that on my kids.
I can tell you that you have every right to pursue your life and studies without a ball and chain around your ankle. What I can't tell you is how to navigate your family dynamics in order to accomplish that. Blessings and peace.
Your mother thinks this is okay? If she wants to be a slave, that's one thing, but to allow her 2 daughters to be made slaves, also? NO.
What does your sister think about this? Do you and your sister go to the same high school? I suggest a visit to the guidance counselor - for both of you to go together would be very powerful. Perhaps the school social worker will get involved. In your sister's case, this is abuse of a minor (in my opinion).
Is your father's name on the deed to your grandmother's house? Does she have any assets? Seems like he's making himself feel good (Mama won't go into a nursing home!) at everyone ELSE's expense.
What are your plans for after high school graduation? Will you be attending college locally? How will that be financed? Is the plan to continue living at home?
Dad is paying you $20 a day. If that’s the same for your mother and sister, care is costing $120 a week, or $500 a month. Dad says that Grandma “makes too much for Medicaid.” That's a lot more than $500. Where is the rest of her money going? At a minimum, she should be able to pay you and your sister a more realistic amount.
The ‘stopping point’ will certainly come, for you and your sister, and probably for all of you, once 24/7 care is needed. You and your sister can’t provide 2 days of 24 hour care while studying full time, and College and grades DO matter. You will be gone as soon as you can make ends meet. Dad needs a long term plan. Dad and the whole family need to know just how long Grandma is likely to live - many of our posters have a grandma living to 100.
Dad also needs to know how much care Grandma is likely to need in 6 months, or a year, or two years. A talk to the doctor and a care professional should help you all to make the plan. Dad has good points, including the fact that he is the major income earner, but it sounds as though he is flying by the seat of his pants here.
This will tear your family apart unless you all get some help. Dad needs to think more about how 'family is the most important'.
But first, I see Dad's point - family must help family.. ok.
But I also see your point.
And there must be a stopping point.
For me, it was double incontinence in my home, car & when out.
For an acquaintance, it was his father (FTD) physically lashing out at his mother & pulling a knife.
For my Doctor it was mild dementia. She would not give up her long studied for career to be her mother's chauffeur & maid - nor would her mother wanted that if in her right mind.
So your Dad says has no stopping point? He is willing to throw you all under the bus & destroy your future chances - for what? For Grandma's care? Or because he will not make the hard decisions he needs to. Because he wants to look & feel like 'The Best Son'.
Who is the selfish one here??
Now calling HIM selfish is just going to get you a load of trouble. I would suggest he get some outside perspective: from GM's Doctor, an aged needs assessment, advice from a religious leader (if he has one). He may come to realise he is putting his mother's needs before his own wife & children.
It takes some men a very long time to get this, some never do.
Currently he is stuck in the fantasy of 'family only' will help. He needs to get over this.
Moving out into college dorm accommodation may well be the best solution for you. Then his care burden will increase & some reality may crack through his fantasy.
I talked to my dad and he said:
+It would be selfish and irresponsible of me to push away my family
+If I have so many other responsibilities I should sacrifice some to make time
+I shouldn’t take the advice of friends and people online over family
+College and grades do not matter
+He has done his best to help her but she makes too much for Medicaid and a home is too expensive for him
+Blood doesn’t matter in my mom’s case, if you’re married you’re family
+I should be grateful to have a childhood much better than his
+To be a physician assistant in the future (my dream job), it would be good to get experience now
+She’s not doing well (close to the end) and family is the most important so I should take care of her
+My friends have it much harder than me so I should deal with it
+My mom took his side
Thank you all very much for the advice, but it looks like I’m stuck. Hopefully things will get better once I can move out and hopefully get a college dorm. Thank you again.
The Area Agency On Aging can help dad figure it all out.
At 18, you have opportunities you may never have again. You mention sports--even a partial scholarship would help. Academics or vocational, you need to be in school to accomplish that and right now is when people are most likely to help you!
Whatever "sacrifices" aren't equivalent. You were born in 2003? Your parents had choices, but you weren't born to be a slave.
Stop this, OP. This is serious financial abuse that could ruin your life. If you have to live with six roommates in a crap 2BR house, then do it while you're going to school and making something of yourself. Don't sacrifice yourself for someone who can't wipe their a.
If anything, that is your father's job, and if he doesn't want to do it, it is his money to enable someone that will come into the house and do that personally, as well as the disgusting cleanup.
To me, it reads like ‘house rules: you live here, you help out.’ I may be wrong, but to me I can’t help but suspect that in over to vacate yourself from helping out, you move out.
If this is so, I know how hard it would be on you, working a job as well as going to college. Hard decisions lie in wait for you, I’m afraid.
In all of my years on this planet, there is one thing I know. “There is nothing good in this life that is gotten without sacrifice.” You want to be unburdened? It’s not going to come without sacrifice.
I’m sorry, and I wish life was easier for you. For all of us, really. But at 18, you still deserve to be young and have fun, and not caring for an elderly, incontinent grandmother.
Best of luck. I hope whichever sacrifice you make, makes you happy. You deserve to be happy.
I think you know better than we do how far you should carry your protest if you need to protect your ability to live at home.
As an adult you will make many trade offs. It’s probably too soon to know if this is one you will look back on with appreciation. I know that’s hard to imagine now.
Does GM wear pull ups? Is she getting changed often enough? Is she alone for most of the time? It might be that she needs more time than your family has scheduled for her. You may have noticed that your GM is declining. It’s probably not what she envisioned for her old age to have her grands be cleaning her up. For what it’s worth, I appreciate that she has you as she isn’t able to help herself. I know it’s hard and I’m sure you will never forget this time. You seem to live a full life. That’s great. I’m happy for you. We are often asked to do things that aren’t our job. That in and of itself doesn’t change the fact that your GM needs cleaning up.
You will need to replace my help by (insert date) ie 2 weeks notice. It is not my responsibility to pay for this. The responsibility lays with Grandma's adult children. My help was a GIFT. But my gift must now cease.
I suggest it is time to reassess the whole care plan for Grandma. Her needs have grown & changed, so the care plan must grow & change too. (Dementia is a degenerative disease - will continue to get worse).
The new plan should suit EVERYONE in the plan. Not just Grandma. And also not just YOU" (meaning Dad)
I did want to ask - what's Dad's temper like?
If he is a wild one, take care! Saying NO to a parent is a healthy & normal part of growing up but if there is any danger in doing so.. pls speak up & act with caution.
Dont let anyone use the old ''in our culture the women care for elderly relatives'' BS either.
It sounds like youre quite intelligent and have a great life ahead of you. Don't let it get derailed by this.