Hello all! My family and I moved to a new state so that I could pursue my Ph.D. My wife's parents sold their house and moved with us to "help". However, they moved without telling us that my wife's mom had Stage 4 kidney failure. At this point, I make much less than I did in my previous job so my wife started working full time. She had to cut back her work hours to take care of her mom because her dad wouldn't help or acted like he didn't know what to do. Fast forward and my wife's mom passed away leaving her dad with us. Now, I understand the pain of loss and I would never leave him homeless. He is healthy and can function when he chooses to, but he is great at making my wife feel guilty. He's lazy, doesn't interact with my kids, and only talks when he needs something. He has no savings and will inevitably become ill.
Here's the issue...my wife thinks I'm wrong because I think that I and our kids should take priority. I'm contemplating leaving because I don't want any part of it knowing that my wife is trying to save him because she didn't save her mom (not logical, but that is what she thinks). Our relationship is different and she just expects me to accept it all because she can 'ignore' it all. I can't ignore it and I feel that she has basically chosen her dad over me even though I haven't asked for any choices to be made. I just want to talk about solutions, but she gets defensive and basically says that we're in it for the long haul. Our relationship is struggling, our kids are struggling, and he is as happy as a turtle in the sun because she is doing everything for him. We are both resentful of each other and it feels terrible knowing that our relationship has worsened as a result of her parents moving in.
Nonsense. Do you think your wife would accept that as a fair summary of her thoughts on the issue? Of course she wouldn't! Her reluctance to chuck her father out is not the same as her disagreeing that your kids - though, by the way, I notice you put yourself ahead of them there - should take priority.
"he is as happy as a turtle in the sun because she is doing everything for him"
Nonsense. He may be content to blame everybody else for what is going on in the household, he may sit there like a frog in a pond taking everything he's offered, but given that conflict in the household makes his own position precarious he is NOT going to be happy.
Right, enough. You get the picture - the whole post is full of crooked thinking and false constructions.
You three adults are at loggerheads. Cue: you and lots of other people saying aha! the manipulative old bastard's got what he wanted, he's driven a wedge etc etc etc.
Again, nonsense. The old man is not in charge. You and your wife are the decision-makers in this household. But instead of linking arms to deal with a horrendous situation, you have fallen into the trap of a) blaming one another and b) thinking the other person should do something about it.
And because you're both under considerable strain and this has been so painful, it's very difficult for you each to trust the other to have your best interests at heart. But you must. And you must comfort one another, and support one another.
And for God's sake stop feeling so bloody sorry for yourself. I'm sorry, but honestly! Just you read back over what you've written and see how much of it is poor old you. You're not dead. You're not anyone's dependant. Your wife hasn't died. You're not even facing having to say no to your widowed father. Do count your blessings.
Where do you go from here? Mind-map time, I think. Just you and her, a big sheet of paper and some coloured pens. Can you get a sitter for the kids and grandpa and go away for a night or two?
Mmm. I see what you say about her getting defensive when you, oh Mr Rational Practicality, just want to talk about solutions.
It is possible that she has gone off you, a bit, over the last few months. Also that she is tired and depressed and not feeling any too romantic.
Flowers and "I'm sorry that I haven't understood and I haven't been kinder" might be a start.
Then you can move gradually, carefully, on to how to make the long haul tolerable for all concerned. Softly softly.
First point...we should take priority in any and all cases. Without a strong marriage, the kids always suffer. You have to put each other first...
Second point...he has overtly said to my family that he needs to have his needs met and knows that he is causing strain, but he doesn't care.
Third...you are right. We do need to come together, but she needs to acknowledge her mental block on this issue. I guess you can say sorry old me, but if you were in my shoes you would feel the same.