Ten years has been the duration of my husband’s disease, which has made his movement difficult, and has weakened his cognition. The progress has been slow, starting out mild, and reaching advanced stages in recent years. In his early 70s now, he has various additional conditions, contributing to his poor health.
We reached the 30-year mark of our happy marriage, and then my new role as his full-time caregiver became another milestone for us. He is no longer independent at home, as he had been while I worked full-time during most of these 10 years of his disease. And, now during my full days with him at home, I cannot be the same person I was when we were together only evenings/nights, and weekends.
When he was alone on weekdays, and my caregiving role was evenings/nights and weekends, he had autonomy for his daily meals, medicines, and routines. As his caregiver 24/7 now, by contrast, I cannot spend the days in monitoring his success — or lack thereof — with the autonomy he’s had previously. I’m in this role, specifically, because he needed that much help to stay safe and well. Naturally, I’m not thrilled about this, and neither is he. However, we were happy enough to choose that option from a group of equally challenging options.
My love for him has become more in line with, possibly, a mother’s love for her own aging father. My caregiving for my spouse is now far from romantic, in my mind. I suppose the spark is gone for me, due to my own physiology as much as my repurposed love and affection for my husband. He’s quite different, often behaving more like a rebellious teenager would behave with family. Regardless of the stimulus for his spontaneous, frequent “be sexy now” instructions to me, I’m usually not inspired and therefore will not engage. To which he generally will choose to continue asking/ instructing/ taunting/ begging until he gives up.
I have no one to talk to about this, although I receive a lot of encouragement from friends and family. This is just such a very personal “taboo” for discussion, is it?
maybe he just needs to know you are there for him.. yikes... I am not good on this subject...
for better or worse. . the wedding vows... (?)
spin the situation around in your brain... maybe you can find your true answer there.
perhaps he still sees you long before this came up... (there I go again)
You already have a number of very good, supportive answers, so whether my 2 cents will help, only you can tell. I would suggest you consider what your times of intimacy were like before his disability. I remember, when having some marriage counseling before we tied the knot, that there are 3 pimary areas where most couples have trouble: substance abuse, money and sex. So, sexual relationships can be complex, even for people who do not have the added responsibility of care giving. Years later, I talked about this with a counselor before my husband's stroke and she asked a question?
"If he were hungry in the morning and wanted you to make him breakfast, would you do it?" I said, "Yes, but it might be a peanut butter & Jelly sandwich! I would rather have steak and eggs once a week than PBJ, 3 times." I got her point, tho, sexual appetites vary and it does not mean that is wrong!
I know that sex was one of the things my spouse still enjoyed, and after losing so much, I appeased him when I could. Yes, sometimes, resentfully, but then I reminded my self that after 45 years together, all the crises we faced, changes to us physically and mentally, he still wanted me!!
More recently, he has been unable to finish, and for the last 9 years or so, it was simply me taking care of him, meaning without a lot of penetration. I did not even want him to reciprocate because it was mentally tiring.
I know that I feel degraded sometimes. He still ogles me when changing or after a shower, He will reach out and smack my butt when I go by, but again, it is ME he is interested in. I am not disappointed that his performance is slowing down, I'm actually thankful, but I keep in mind that, even though the physical act was not what it once was, it still had the same meaning. I love you, and I am the only one who can satisfy this need.
We no longer share a bed either, but I do not mind. Many of you have given great advice. I see the caring between the lines and benefited from each of your comments, as well.
Wishing you all the best.
I think you are new to the forum and I just wanted to encourage you when it comes to responding to someone's question.
First of all, I'm glad you gave your comment in spite of what you said "You already have a number of very good, supportive answers..." I've been on the forum for two months now. There have been times when I'll look at a question and see they have plenty of responses so I won't have anything to contribute that would be helpful and move on. But, other times I will go ahead and put my "2 cents" in anyway. There have been many, many times when the person who asked the question didn't find it helpful but, obviously that person isn't the only one reading the responses. We may not help them specifically but, someone else will find something in our responses that is a "take away" for them.
So I hope you will continue to share your thoughts, experiences, advice and suggestions because you just never know when you will reach someone who will really need it even if the original poster doesn't.
I for one, enjoyed reading your thoughtful and considerate comments!
You married for better or worse and unfortunately you are in a healthcare worst. I would first talk to the doctor about medications for both of you. As we age, women lose estrogen, which can cause lack of interest in sex. Get tested and see if this is part of your issue. The other is time away from caregiving to give you a break, where you can go back refreshed as a spouse, not just a caregiver. If you have maintained good communication throughout your marriage talk it out. Give guidelines, once a week or only after a shower where everyone is clean and fresh smelling.
Doesn't hurt to try these things to see if it improves both of your outlooks and so you can end with a happy and satisfying marriage.
If he still functions as a man that’s preferable to any thing else for men :)
Thank you for bringing this subject to light!!
It's a tough one!!
It's not unusual for men with dementia or Alzheimer's to become hypersexual.
As others have suggested, it's important for you to distinguish between caregiving and wife.
As uncomfortable as it is for me to admit, being a caregiver has completely drained my sex drive!
I am caregiver for two people not in my home.
I know that's totally different than your situation.
However, even knowing what I am going through, my hubby, even on my worst days, still wants to have his "needs" met.
In those moments, I dig deep and remember that I love this man!
I take his needs into consideration.
I do this for balance and peace!
I truly understand that this may be offensive to some, but intimacy is a vital part of marriage regardless of mental status.
I pray that you can find peace and balance!
Praying that you can still find intimacy in your marriage!