My mother lives by herself in the same town as I do. She moved here 6 years ago from a larger city where my sister lives. Part of the reason she moved here is because I am more willing to be attentive and Mom feels more comfortable with my husband and children. My sister is a good person, but has always done just what she wants, and on her time schedule, not one to be put out. Also, the city I live in is smaller and my Mom can still drive here (such as to the store, library, dr., etc). Mom has some hearing loss as well as selective hearing. Also, since she lives alone, her social skills have diminished quite a bit. She has alway been a chatter box, but it seems like she doesn't listen to other people, just talks about what she wants. Is not a two way conversation....you know.....I talk, then you talk, when I talk again should be relevant to what you said, and vice versa. A conversation, back and forth. My Mom seem incapable of this anymore, and I find myself getting shorter and shorter with her because she does not listen. She askes me to help her with some issue, but she doesn't listen to the information I am trying to provide her, then I get short with her, and she acts all hurt, but she won't listen. Then, after these encounters, I feel bad, and she thinks I am just being a big B***h. Unfortunately, now I find myself avoiding going over to her house, or having her over at mine. I think I really just needed to vent, but if someone has some insight for me, it would be greatly appreciated
I know how you feel. My stepfather (her husband) died recently and she is forever on the phone to me talking talking talking and talking some more and it's the biggest load of selfish rubbish you can imagine. I'm now having to attend 'group therapy' in order to deal with it - terrified of lashing out at her and making her start her "I'm sure a rotten mother, rotten woman" etc etc etc. Good luck with it - don't know what to suggest :-/
You have described my 90 year old father to a "T". I just moved him to an independent living apartment in my town, and feel like I'm about to lose my wits. My sister came for a visit and he talked non-stop for 8 hours, repeating the same stories he told me non-stop on the 1100 mile drive while moving him here. He never talks about his own 6 children or 7 grandchildren, just about the messed up people he worked with as a crisis counselor years ago.
Unfortunately, he's always been like this except when I stayed with him for a couple weeks this year to prepare his house for sale and move him out. He actually listened to me quite a bit, and I thought our relationship had changed for the better. Now I feel like I've been duped.
This forum has at least let me know I'm not alone in a unique situation, so I'll be trying some of the tips and techniques suggested by everyone for dealing with him. So, thanks for sharing...and listening!
anything I say. I call him every night and it's the same one way conversation. I've
learned to cope as best I can when we talk. It's years of being that way and it just becomes habit. He also can't be told he may be wrong about something. He only sees the world from his point of view which can lead to arguments if I'm not careful. Hang in there, it's not you and it won't change. Just make sure you communicate with other people. Good Luck
I work, walk my dogs, do things at home and set some time for him when I'm rested and feeling good so that we don't argue. Everything becomes a debate.
He did this with relatives when I was younger. It's behavior they were never forced to change.
I find myself doing the same with my daughter and I'm trying to change that, I'm so used to not being heard that it's slowly becoming about me. I don't want to get like that and drive her crazy.
Limit Time with your Mom , love her but take part in other activities and with other people when possible.
Good Luck!
My husband is so kind and patient, and my kids are amazingly good humored about it.....most of the time. The most difficult part of this is when I come home from a busy day outside the house, and am met by mom who has a long and (at least to her) URGENT list of tasks that need to be addressed immediately, like her dry cleaning, or mailing out a birthday card, or getting her to the Clinique counter at the mall. My siblings live on the other side of the country, and want to remember her fondly, so I really hate to tell them what it's like to live with her.
I would have to say that, looking for the blessing in this situation, it is that I am getting a vivid picture of what I might become if I don't make every effort, every moment of every day, to make it my habit to put everyone else ahead of me with joy and a genuine interest in their well being, and in their feelings.
Ask family on the other side of the country to visit and give you a break.
Being far away is not an excuse.
I have absolutely no advice except to say, "I hear you" and understand what you're going through.
I will never live with her. It's bad enough that I have to be her taxi driver. It eats up hours of my time. I resent that I am the only child (of four) that is expected to put up with this.
We talk all the time on this site that some people aren't cut out to be caregivers, and that's okay. Well, that's me. That is why I will not do more than drive her places (unless it is an emergency). I told her to sell the car and use the money for taxis/rides instead of giving me her car and expecting free taxi service. I was ignored.
But I do set firm boundaries on what I will and won't do. And I give my brothers an email report of my outings with my mother. I do this for my own protection, since my mother has no idea of how much time she takes, and has called me a liar to my face.
She really should be in an AL facility. If/when she ever gets to the point of agreeing that she needs that (or needs a nursing home), I'm going to strongly suggest that it needs to be near one of the golden boy brothers. I am very disappointed to read that I won't be able to back off once she's in a facility the way I will be planning to do!
It drives me nuts (short drive), and I find myself avoiding her as much and as long as possible.
I feel bad that she annoys me so much, but it just goes way back to my childhood and her general need for control, stubbornness, critical nature, negativity, impatience, and anal retentive/OCD issues.
I have nothing really in common with her; and I hate to admit that she is quite boring.
I have much more in common with my kids than she ever did with me. I also made/make an effort to engage my kids, where I just don’t think my mom ever genuinely did with me in a super nurturing and relative way.
She goes on about the same things all the time, and it’s mostly criticizing or complaining about what is not right or perfect in her world. I feel she will never be satisfied or admit to any wrong. She does it all in a very manipulative, reticent, and very passive aggressive way. She also tells stories of negative and painful things that happened to me in my childhood. It’s embarrassing, frustrating and just grating.
My dad passed away, and it’s even worse now. She also moved closer to me.
It was all so much easier to deal with when she lived farther away.
I don’t know what to do, so I just continue to grin and bear it - out of sheer obligation and respect to her.
I am an only child, so it’s all on me, as I am all she has. She has lost all of her friends from them either passing away, or just drifting apart from her.
I have tried to help her and encourage her to seek counseling, an elderly support group to meet peers, and to encourage her overall ‘to get a life’, but she doesn’t seem interested.
I have led the horse to the water, and I am just thinking now that it’s not my job to try to motivate her anymore. If she needs physical help with something, I will help, but mentally she absolutely still drains me.
I have had other people essentially tell me what I am describing, so it’s not only me, and not my imagination. I used to think it was my fault, but I have come to understand that this is just how she is, and I have to let it go as best as I can.
Maybe it’s time for me to a visit to a counselor again.
Self care is important too.
Thanks for letting me purge.
DAR