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Thank you all for taking the time to respond to this post, it has really helped me put things into perspective. Everyone had the same advice to offer, which is to ignore the request for whatever junk food item she says she wants.

You're right though- why bother to buy it if it's just going to waste? And for what, on a whim?

I think most (if not all) of this issue of my frustration is the emotional aspect of it: this is just one more sign that I'm losing her. While I accept death for what it is, a natural part of the life cycle, emotionally it's hard because she was such a big part of my life. I can't fight the inevitable, and yet it's instinctual for me to do so (like trying to get her to eat, bathe, do an activity, etc.) But the hard truth is, it's a losing battle.

A few of you mentioned taking a break from caregiving for a little bit and doing something to relax and have fun- again, you are right. I do feel warn out lately and in need of a break. Grandma's dementia antics are starting to get to me and that's not helping anyone.
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Not a day goes by where something my demented mother says or does doesn't annoy the living crap out of me. #Truth. Frustration runs high with dementia and that's the absolute truth.

You work 2 jobs and already have enough on your plate as it is. Buy grandma what YOU think she may like, cut it up, bag it up, and leave it at that. She eats what she wants to eat and leaves the rest. In reality, sedentary humans need wayyyyyyyyy fewer calories to thrive than we THINK they do. Which is why the obesity rate in the USA is as high as it is. Not to say grandma is obese or even overweight, just making a point in general.

Nothing they say or do is 'their fault' which doesn't cut down on OUR frustration levels over their behaviors. I honestly believe some of it is due to being bored while the rest of it is due to the 'broken brain' syndrome. In either event, as long as there is FOOD in the house, grandma is able to eat. Sweet tasting food including fruit will likely be her first choice and like you said, who cares?

Get out and get in some 'me time', even if it's shopping at the mall. Devoting all of your spare time to a demented elder's constantly changing requests, most of which she's unaware she's even made, doesn't make sense. Take some well deserved time for YOU!

Good luck!
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Kimmotion Feb 2021
True, the obesity rate in America is absolutely frightening. I myself am battling obesity and can say from experience how awful it is. And yes, grandma is the polar opposite: she isn't obese by any means, and being on the decline, her body doesn't need the calories. I think it's just a hard thing for me to accept because she's such a big part of my life. She's been like a mother to me. I think this is really just emotionally hard for me to accept. I hate that I'm losing her.
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You are obviously an intelligent, rational woman, so you will be able, if you decide to do so, to realize that your own thoughts about being a full time care giver may be contradicting each other, and therefore not allowing you to accept your grandmother’s behavior as the actions of a someone whose brain is too damaged to make reasonable decisions and choices, to recall previous actions that pleased her and satisfied her, or to filter her reactions to your efforts.

The LANGUAGE of “picky” is a case in point. YOU consider her a “picky” eater, based on the observations you’ve stated. Yet you say you continue to go to great attempts to procure, portion, and present foods that she asks for. You do this while knowing that what she actually consumes are peanut butter sandwiches and containers of Ensure.

So, you CAN “help but get angry at this”. You can stop doing it.

You point out that there is “no rhyme or reason to it”. At 94 with dementia, it may be unfair to her AND YOU to be waiting for “rhyme or reason” that are no longer part of her abilities. If YOU are buying fruit FOR YOURSELF, can you cut a piece or two serve them to her on a small plate, and remove the plate peacefully in a period of time whether she’s eaten it or not?

Yes to daily Ensure and peanut butter sandwiches. NO to unnecessary purchases, serving, then frustration.

You CAN’T figure out how to please her. Then DON’T TRY.

Are you getting enough time away from her care, enjoying activities that you like, treating yourself well? You fully deserve the opportunity to be kind TO YOURSELF.
PLEASE BE SURE YOU ARE DOING SO.
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Kimmotion Feb 2021
I think that's also a big part of this- I'm in need of some time away to have some fun and needing a break. It's hard to do that between the pandemic and crazy amounts of snow/ice we've had here in NY. But I need to get out and do SOMETHING because I'm clearly in need of a break.

You and the other responders are correct in ignoring the "requests". The requests are not rational or practical and I can't expect someone with dementia to be able to control that. But being in full control of my own faculties, I can choose how to respond to this scenario by not letting her get to me and just ignoring whenever she says she wants cake or whatever. Because I know in the end she won't eat it, so why bother? Why make myself all worked up over nothing?

Yup, I think I need a break!
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My elderly aunt's caregiver was freaking out because she only wanted to eat Campbell's Chicken and Rice Soup. Like at every meal. I said so what, she's 98 and has advanced dementia...let her have it at least she's eating! We can't know what your Grandmother will be willing to eat, so just make her what she is most likely to eat or eats consistently when offered. Doesn't matter what it is. Ensure is better than nothing. I agree with Funkygrandma59 to ignore what she asks for — make up a "therapeutic fib" if she asks why you didn't present what she asked for. "The store was out of it" "It went bad" etc. You are a dear for taking such conscientious care of her!
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Kimmotion Feb 2021
Thanks! Yeah, I'm beginning to realize that the "requests" are just more BS... in the same vein as "I wish you would stay home from your job". I just ignore those things, and this is one more thing on that list of ignore. Because I can't keep buying things just to end up tossing them out.
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Have you tried just giving her the Ensure and PB&J sandwiches everyday, to save you from the aggravation. You say that that is pretty much all she will eat along with her candy/cookies, so why not just give her those. Don't give her a choice, and just ignore the things that she asks for and forgets shortly thereafter. I would try that and see if it cuts down on your aggravation. Best wishes.
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Kimmotion Feb 2021
Yes, I already do this. I prepare PBJ sandwiches in advance and leave them in baggies for her. And she drinks a case of Ensure per week. So at least I know she's getting something in, but it's the other occasions where she'll complain "there's nothing in the house for me to eat"... and it's like you DON'T eat anything besides those two things anyway, even when there is other stuff. She doesn't touch it. So it makes absolutely NO sense to me to buy other crap just to end up throwing it out.

And you are absolutely right- going forward, I think it would be best to just chalk up the so-called "requests" to nonsense and not even bother getting it. She'll forget she wanted it anyhow. Thank you, good advice.
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They often have little in terms of appetite at all, or drive to take fluids at this age, whether dementia is an issue or not. This is very common, and nothing to do with the foods offered.
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Kimmotion Feb 2021
I honestly think it may be dementia + boredom. She forgets what she wants shortly after requesting it. This is something of an adjustment for me, too- I once used to buy her whatever she wanted but at least back then she would eat it and enjoy it. So now this behavior has changed and I have to learn to not only accept her new behavior but ignore the requests because I know it won't really amount to anything. I would just be wasting food and grocery money that could have bought something more useful.
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